Why does my husband act this way?

Salam Sisters,

I have a question regarding how my husband acts sometimes (very rarely). My aim is not to talk crap about him but to get advice on how to pinpoint the factors that make him act this way so I can help him out with it. We share a very good marital relationship and we rarely get into arguments and fights. However, we r going through a tough time as I just moved away from my family and I tend to feel down sometimes. Everytime I mention to my husband that I am feeling depressed, instead of cheering me up, he starts getting frustrated and if i tell him that the only thing i need is his love and someone to talk to and this feeling of depression will pass, his frustration increases even more and he starts blaming me that my mood really affects him and that I am not the only person in this world who's burdened with problems and that in this mood he can never give me love etc etc and one thing leads to another and sometimes he ends up throwing stuff like breaking a glass for e.g. To me, it looks like a sign of weakness for only a person who can't control himself does these kinda trivial things but then i re-think and I don't understand how he can be this way at rare occassions when 90 percent of the time he's a very loving and patient person and does take care of me and listens to me as well. It's only when I mention i am feeling down or the word "depression" that triggers this monster inside him. Also, i must add that he has never physically abused me or hurt me and i know that he'd rather hurt himself then raise his hand on me but after these rare episodes of anger I get really scared and feel like who knows maybe he'll start hurting me as well if this thing is not cured soon? I rarely share my blues with him now cuz i am scared he would react in a weird way but sometimes when I unconsciously do end up telling him, it results in a nasty situation. I want to help him out and I am just trying to understand his psyche. I am not even the kinda wife who whines all the time or demands stuff from her husband. We have a very good relationship but is it unfair of me to feel down once in a while esp. when I am missing my family and the fact that I feel lonely at times? I need some positive advice from sisters. I don't even care about the emotional hurt his weird action causes me but I am more concerned about his health now cuz he does suffer from high blood pressure and for his age he shouldn't be. Thanks in advance.

Edited by sakooooot

salaams sister,

You know, moving house is a big upheaval, and perhaps this is adding to his tensions, as he does seem tense right now. You are in the process of adjustment with some things. It takes time to settle again. Also, you feel tense to a certain extent becuase you are further away from family.

try to keep busy as much as you can, and these low episodes will pass. Do you have a back yard at your new home? If so, try and get outside. the warmer weather is coming soon. And as the other sister suggests, try to meet new people. It can be so isolationg when you move area.

I'm sure that this is a minor hickup, as you say you have a good relationship usually. try to act in a positive mood when he is at home. try to relax. That will be of so much benefit to him. And you will see, I'm sure, that he will soon be back to his old self.

Take care. Let us know how you get on. 

Thanks for your replies sisters. I really appreciate the positive encouragement. Right now I am just trying to figure out what's going on in his mind. I know he just started a new job and I just moved here etc etc. but to act in this way is pretty insane and childish esp. for a person whose normal at all times. I remember when I was a kid I sometimes used to see my dad doing these irrational things and I would think that my husband would never be like this but it turns out history is repeating itself. Maybe he needs to look into anger management or counselling? I do talk to him about these acts when we are in a good mood and he always shifts the blame on me saying I trigger it and that he doesn't need anger management cuz if that was the case he would be mad all the time. I feel restricted in being myself cuz God forbid if I am ever hit by the blues I am scared he would act this way.Also, I am trying to make new friends like I am trying to do voulnteer and stuff but it takes time to make good friends. Regardless of friends or not, a human is bound to feel down sometimes and those times are the most challenging for me cuz not only am I feeling down but I also have to take emotional torture from my husband's acts when i need his support the most. However, I am leaving everything to Allah and I know He tests us in many different ways. All i can do is forgive my husband for being so irrational and help him find ways to cure it.  

Assalamu Alaikum Sister:

I am in a similar situation to you. I moved away from my home, but it has been almost nine years now.  The Muslims where I used to live were very united, they were warm and welcoming and I loved my Muslim Sisters there very much. My Mom also lived less than 120 miles away and my birth sisters would come visit often because we were geographically closer than we are now.

Here, well, there are many more Muslims but they are just very different. They are separated by ethnicity or cliques, and even though I have tried to make friends I just haven't been able to.

I don't understand the way they think here. I can give an example: I met a sister a few times four years ago. I do not really know her and the few times I did speak with her she was not friendly. One time she even became angry because I beat her at a board game. I never went to this sister's home nor spoke with her on the telephone, we were not that close.  Four years later I get an e-mail from her, I am not sure how she got my e-mail, asking me to call her it is very important. I didn't recognise her name on the e-mail, but I called because I didn't know what was going on. As soon as she started talkng I realised who she was, and she was calling because she was having an aqiqa the next afternoon and she wanted me to bake these special desserts I make. I was very quiet because I was thinking, HUH? I don't even really know this sister and the few times I did speak to her FOUR years earlier she was not nice to me and now she is calling me to make cakes for her aqiqa. She realised I was being quiet so she says: "Oh, well you can come to the aqiqa if you want."  I guess her plan was for me to make a couple hundred little dessert cakes, drop them off at her door before the other sisters arrived, and take off.

To me this was just amazing behavior.  And it is very typical of the community here.  I miss my family and my loving Muslim sisters from back home. I have tried to tell my husband that my Iman is suffering here but he won't move because of his work. I feel isolated and very depressed sometimes.  When I am depressed I try to talk to him about it, but he just doesn't get it. He doesn't become angry, he just glazes over and stares into space. He knows the way the community here is, but for men it is different. They don't need that personal bonding and socializing that women need. No matter how many hobbies or what type of busy work you have, you still need to connect to other people.

Unfortunately I think I am stuck in this situation, but Insha'Allah sister you will find some good friends where you are.

Writing this has made me very sad and homesick. It is so important to be in a good community. I miss that feeling of love and sisterhood so much.