"The Bush Administration said there will be a delay in restoring a newly elected democratic government in Iraq. However, they said the delay will not be as long as the one we have had in this country." - Jay Leno

"Hey, today we got the four of clubs. A guy named Samir al-Aziz, a Ba'ath party bad guy. And we now have the four of clubs, the five of clubs, the five of spades and the seven of diamonds. I don't know what game they're playing at the White House, but today, when it was confirmed that we had the four of clubs, Condoleezza Rice had to take off her blouse." - Bill Maher

"The Pentagon said this week that the war in Iraq has cost $20 billion so far. The breakdown is operations: $10 billion; personnel: $6 billion; getting Bush re-elected: priceless." - Bill Maher

"We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours." - David Letterman

"The press keeps asking President Bush when will this war end? I think the war will end officially the day after the 2004 elections. If President Bush learned anything from his father it was don't end a war too soon." - Jay Leno

"All over Baghdad, Iraqi looters have been breaking into banks and walking out with millions of dollars in Iraqi money. As a result, they now qualify for President Bush's tax cut." - Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. military has begun handing out decks of cards with pictures of the most wanted men in Saddam Hussein's regime. There are 55 cards and they're handing them out so people can identify them. Apparently, three Tariq Aziz cards will get you a Pokemon." - Conan O'Brien

"We have an important decision to make now about who controls Iraq. You know, that's a critical question, because it's who we're going to be fighting in five to ten years." - Jay Leno

"And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a strong and independent nation that will one day hate the United States." - David Letterman

"In Iraq, the U.S. military's whack-a-mole approach to killing Saddam Hussein may have finally paid off. ... The bombs destroyed the area and left behind a 60-foot crater, or as coalition forces prefer to call it: a freedom hole." - Jon Stewart

"Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?" - David Letterman

"The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral." - David Letterman

"Over the last several weeks, several of TV's so-called armchair generals, of which there are many, along with many of the Army's so-called real generals, have been openly critical of the U.S. military planning. Donald Rumsfeld's frustration with these critics boiled over at a press conference earlier this week. Rumsfeld said the only way you're going to be able to get people to believe something is true is if you print it up two million times and drop it from airplanes." - Jon Stewart

"President Bush said the other day the war is not about timetables. It's about winning. Hey, it worked in Florida." - Jay Leno

"The Pentagon said today they're sending another 100,000 troops into the Gulf. We have 250,000 there and another 100,000 on the way -  it's Operation George Gone Wild." - Jay Leno

"The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fire fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said 'Yes.'" - Conan O'Brien

"As fighting in Iraq intensifies, President Bush delivered his supplemental war budget to Congress. The money will cover 30 days of fighting, then we'll be sent one war every other month until we cancel our subscription." - Craig Kilborn

"New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in Libya with 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesn't know whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut." - Craig Kilborn

"The coalition of the willing continues to grow. It is now an impressive group of 49 countries. Here's the thing, only four of those countries are actually supplying military forces in Iraq. The other 45 countries were like, willing yes, but about the able." - Jon Stewart

"Much of Central America is in the coalition mostly because we already liberated them repeatedly, vigorously and covertly, and believe me, they don't want to go through one of those liberations again." - Jon Stewart

"Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.'" - Craig Kilborn