Trump: Hey Siri, this is 45! Is lobbying at Arlington National Cemetery illegal?

Siri: Yes, it is.

Trump: Jeez, I only had my picture taken at the grave site of a fallen soldier with the family.

Siri: Arlington Cemetery is supposed to be a hallowed and sacred place, like the USS Arizona Memorial.

Trump: Hey, how would I know? No one told me about it.

Siri: Since you're running for President of the United States, do you mind if I ask you a few questions?

Trump: Shoot!

Siri: What are the three qualifications to run for President in the U.S.?

Trump: That's easy! 1) Speak English, 2) Own a U.S. flag, 3) Eat at McDonald's.

Siri: Wrong! The correct answers are: 1) Be born in the U.S., 2) Be at least 35 years old, and 3) Have lived in the U.S. for the past 14 years.

Siri: Name the four states that have capitals named after U.S. Presidents.

Trump: Are you trying to make me look stupid? You must be a Democrat.

Siri: I’m unaffiliated, 45! The answers are: Jackson, Mississippi; Lincoln, Nebraska; Madison, Wisconsin; and Jefferson City, Missouri.

Siri: Name the only U.S. President who served two non-consecutive terms.

Trump: That’s not a fair question. You save the easy ones for Kamala Harris.

Siri: Stop whining! The answer is Grover Cleveland.

Siri: Name four states in the U.S. whose capital cities start with the same letter as the states themselves.

Trump: Damn, Siri, you're harder on me than Megyn Kelly. I have no clue!

Siri: Dover, Delaware; Indianapolis, Indiana; Oklahoma City, Oklahoma; and Honolulu, Hawaii.

Siri: Name one of the U.S.' Western allies that has no nuclear weapons.

Trump: That's easy! The United Kingdom.

Siri: Where did you go to school, sir?

Siri: If you live in Puerto Rico, what citizenship do you hold?

Trump: That's easy! Puerto Rican citizenship.

Siri: Nice try! The correct answer is U.S. citizenship.

Siri: If you are visiting the city of Helsinki, what country are you in?

Trump: Russia!

Siri: Too bad you don't live in Russia! The correct answer is Finland.

Siri: Why did you fire U.S. Navy Captain Brett Crozier from his post as commanding officer of the coronavirus-infected aircraft carrier USS Theodore Roosevelt, only for him to be reassigned by the acting Navy Secretary after protests by Navy leaders?

Trump: No clue!

Siri: Did you call wounded soldiers “losers” and “suckers”?

Trump: That was fake news by Gen. John Kelly.

Siri: Did you accuse U.S. soldiers of stealing Iraqi reconstruction money?

Trump: I don’t remember.

Siri: Can you name the woman who designed the U.S. flag?

Trump: Stormy Daniels!

Siri: No, you fool! It was Betsy Ross.

Siri: Did you, as President, mock the Muslim Gold Star family whose son was killed in Iraq in a suicide bombing?

Trump: I plead the fifth!

Siri: Did you apologize to Muslims for falsely claiming on November 21, 2015, that you witnessed footage on television of a large crowd of Muslims in New Jersey celebrating the September 11th attacks, which was debunked by New Jersey police and even the ADL?

Trump: Oh well, I must have been dreaming then.

Siri: Why did you lie two days after the 9/11 attack, claiming that you rushed to Ground Zero with hundreds of workers that you personally paid to help find and identify victims, when fact-checkers found no evidence that you helped with 9/11?

Trump: Siri, that was not on the list of questions!

Siri: You also falsely claimed that you witnessed people jumping from the Twin Towers on 9/11 from your apartment at Trump Tower, which is four miles away. Later, you refused to explain how you could have seen the victims from that distance.

Trump: I plead the fifth on this one.

Siri: Why did you make bigoted remarks and refer to three U.S. lawmakers (Ilhan Omar, Rashida Tlaib, and AOC) as foreigners, when two of them were U.S.-born citizens? Did you apologize to them or to America?

Trump: That’s fake news, and my words were twisted.

Siri: According to the 9/11 Commission report, none of the so-called 19 hijackers had wives, girlfriends, or family members in the U.S. during the months leading up to the hijackings. Yet you stated that "the wives of the 9/11 hijackers knew exactly what was happening" and went back to Saudi Arabia two days before the attacks to watch their husbands on television flying the planes. Did you retract your statement or issue an apology for your false claim?

Trump: Siri, you're starting to piss me off with your hard-hitting questions. I don't feel comfortable!

Siri: Did you say on camera that the late Sen. John McCain, who was held in a prison camp for five years, was “not a war hero”?

Trump: That was a joke!

Siri: Did you, as Commander-in-Chief, insult the wife of a Black soldier killed in Niger by telling the widow that he "knew what he was getting into"?

Siri: Did you, as President, dismiss the report by U.S. intelligence agencies that determined Russia had paid the Taliban 'bounties' to kill American soldiers in Afghanistan as a dereliction of duty?

Trump: I hate you, Siri! You must be a Palestinian.

Siri: Dude, next time you utter the word "Palestinians," remember the quote by former chef, author, and TV host Anthony Bourdain: “Today nearly everything is made in China except for courage—it’s made in Palestine.”

Siri: After all, you should advise your supporters that carrying signs at rallies reading “Allah is not God and Muhammad is not a prophet” or “NO MUSLIMS ALLOWED” is hate speech, not free speech. Last but not least, how about starting to refer to other countries you dislike by their actual names instead of “shithole countries”?

Siri: You have failed this test miserably. As a five-time draft dodger, you are unfit to be Commander-in-Chief, let alone serve another four years.

Mahmoud El-Yousseph is a Palestinian freelancer for the Islamicity.org and ColumbusFreePress.com. He can be reached at [email protected]