Sitting on a bench overlooking the lake, she unexpectedly hears the whispering voice of her once-upon-a time college-life sweetheart. Now in their senior years with greying hair, they reflect on their past and embark on a journey of recollecting their pure yet passionately innocent encounter. "Breezes" is a romantic novel yearning to uphold the values and sacredness of love, loyalty, and family ethics.

To read the book in Arabic Click Here
لقراءة الكتاب بالعربية إضغط هنا

To my family, the dearest thing I own in this world.
To the brother, the friend, and the colleague.
To everyone who facilitated the writing of this book and the opportunity for meditation …
I dedicate these Breezes.

Second Edition
Copyright © 2012 by Wafica M. AlDoueiri

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or used in any form of or by any means-graphic, electronic or mechanical including photocopying, recording, taping, or information storage and retrieval systems without the written permission of the publisher.

Cover Lines by The Artist: Hussein Majed
Cover Picture by Director: Ziad Doueiri

Copy Editor and Cover Design by: Mahbuba Hammad

ISBN:  978-1-935293-02-6
[email protected]

Wafica Mansour ElDoueiri is a lawyer, human right activist, social activist and a public speaker. Her professional career as a teacher with the UN in Congo and in her home country Lebanon. She then pursued a graduate degree in law and started her practice specializing in civil law. Among her various social activities that span several Arab countries, she is an active member and a board member of the Lebanese Family Planning Association and Friends of the Handicaps.
She currently resides in Lebanon with her husband, and have 3 children and 5 grandkids.

MOUNA MANA, Ph.D.

Dr. Mana is a teacher educator and educational researcher by trade, but a poet, screenwriter, storyteller, and writer at heart. She does not alternate the hats, but rather wears one fusing and hybridizing her talents, skills, and passions in as many ways as possible. Her writing ranges from research articles about Arabic language in HipHop to lyrics and poetry about her views and experiences as a minority Muslim woman in the United States. Dr. Mana is of North African origin and frequently uses her writing as an avenue to explore, and hold up a mirror to interpersonal relationships, particularly those between Muslim men and women. Translating "Breezes" presented a thrilling and inspirational experience for her continuous quest for culturally-rooted and creative ways to address lessons drawn from the school of life.

• Ch 1 - Deep Emotions
• Ch 2 - A Farewell On The Harbor Boardwalk
• Ch 3 - On The Path Back
• Ch 4 - The First Trip
• Ch 5 - A Definitive Trip
• Ch 6 - Dreams Of Joy
• Ch 7 - Will My Happiness Last?
• Ch 8 - The Seperation
• Ch 9 - The Dream Encounter
• Ch 10 - The Impossible Attachement
• Ch 11 - Dreams That Could Not Be Realized
• Ch 12 - Wishes
• Ch 13 - ...The Years Pass
• Ch 14 - The Impossible Deletion
• Ch 15 - Will I have a Clear Answer?
• Ch 16 - Overcoming Oneself
• Ch 17 - Until The End Of A Lifetime

Rowboats on both riverbanks
Lean and dip to the beat of the rustling trees
Approach, draw back, and dance on the water’s surface
Like lovers dancing on a clear night.
The glittering river flowed gently
Droplets of water shining within it
Reflecting sunlight or evening lights
Making the ripples seem like a diamond necklace
Flaunting its splendor wrapped around a beauty queen’s neck
As if it chose her with its heart and soul
She adorned by it
It embellished by her
Sparkling, emitting light
Illuminating the path of lovers.

On a wooden seat, under the enormous shade of a tree
She leaned her head on her palms
And began gazing onto the river’s waters which glistened as they ran their course...
Ducks swam in it as doves and pigeons flew overhead
At times diving into the water to quench their thirst
And at times sipping up whatever would moisten their throats
Only to return to the edge of the river in flocks and groups
Running
Dancing
Cooing happily.

The river seems pleased with the innocent life of these docile animals living on it
Its surface reflects the gloomy sky’s shades of gray
The sun’s rays and gleam appear only seldom
And over the river edges pour trees that dangle their branches shyly
While in front of it rise proud trees
Showing off their multi-colored leaves
Some green, some yellow, or brown dotted with deeper liquor-colored hues
And behind all this
Stood homes that reflected the finest and most artistic architectural craftsmanship
The scene was recorded on nature’s canvas
Leading the observer to forget life’s worries
To swim in one’s imagination among the ducks
Fly with one’s dreams among the doves
And dance to one's emotions with the sway of branches
And to let one’s thoughts flow gently along with the flow of the current
As if living the most carefree moments of life
Far from the falseness of the material
And the hardship of life
The selfishness of humans
And the polluted ways of the city.

She was there in that place physically
But her thoughts
Living in the past
Opposed her body
And awoke in it all sensations.

Suddenly, it appeared to her as though she heard a voice asking her:
—What are you daydreaming about?
* ...on the way my life’s been running... as if it were one long TV show series whose events are still rolling before my eyes.
-And is there room for me in this series?
If only a guest appearance- however brief?

She didn’t reply...
And a long silence hung in the air.
Should she tell him the truth of the matter?
Should she tell him that his presence overshadowed every other presence?
That his image erased everything else
That he eclipsed all of the past
And continued on in the present?

It never occurred to her that fate would drive towards her
In front of this beautiful landscape- a beloved companion
Whom she longed to meet
And whose friendship she wished for
Even for a few fleeting moments.

Suddenly, she saw him approaching her slowly, hesitantly
Examining her from nearby
Could it really be her?
How could fate just have it its own way to separate and reunite us however it wants?
How does this world go on?
How does it sketch the fate of people?

They checked to make sure that the one standing in front of them
Was the person they thought it was?
And so they became part of the tableau-
A part of the captivating natural beauty around them,
As if they transformed into two lovebirds sheltered by this enchanting place....
Letting matters unfold without either of them planning
Any kind of conversation
Or any kind of amusement.

And so,
Without a prior appointment
And on the path of happenstance
They found themselves standing before each other.
It was a fleeting handshake
That camouflaged intense, repressed, invisible emotions.
It was stirring,
Making the greeting a nagging invitation for a get-together.
Yet neither of them revealed or announced this unspoken wish.
It was merely an innocent glance.
The eyes met... understood
And agreed to sit together.
What for?
For what purpose?
What underlined it?
What did they intend to talk about?
What would it result in?
None of that was known.
None of it was planned for.
Years melted away with that glance, the moment the gazes met and interlocked.

And so both stood before the other
Face to face
With surprise obvious on both their facial expressions
They shook hands with their palms
With their gazes
With the subtle smiles
And with warm emotions.

They sat without a word
While on the inside, talk flowed like a torrent
The reel of the past passed by
No. Not a reel
But rather, a dream of affection and emotion
And love lost- many such things.
This imaginary reel spun in each one of their eternities
In their depths
Only it was more of a still frame inside both of them
As if it were a reality they summoned.
Their astonishment at meeting hung in both their eyes.
They watched and waited for this meeting in their past times of torment.
And here now, the days reunite them to realize the dream
That was condemned to the impossible.

They sat facing each other
Each one inviting the other to start the conversation
And as before with the greeting all was communicated silently-
Without uttering a single word.
Fear of rejection was likely,
Or indifference,
Or a lack of desire to meet...
Their fears seized them
And it was a contradiction that defied understanding
Except by lovers
Who desire
And fear their desires coming true
At the same time.

They long for a date
And check to see if the other side is or isn’t receptive
Or if he or she gets no response at all.

So the silence hung for a few moments
As if preparing for a defining moment:
Either a follow-up date or whatever each one could reveal
About innermost wishes and desires.
Or an outstretched hand
For a greeting and a farewell until some other date.
Maybe after some long years.

When a person wants to say something
It is not hard to say it.
And whoever wants to write a phrase
Is handicapped by nothing if he wants to take pen to paper and record this phrase.
But where does a person start?
When there is a flood of words on the inside
A spring overflowing with expression in succession
Where does a person start?
And from where?
The voice of the water interrupted their silence
Asking what they wanted to order:
Drink...food?
What kind? When?
And then on the spot
Or after relaxing and enjoying the beauty of the place?
They had to order something
But what?
Food seems almost irrelevant in such a place
Where thoughts were colliding internally
And where premonitions seemed to come true
And be caught
Between longing on the one end
And rejection on the other!!
There had to be some way of extinguishing that blaze inside
And untying the knot that seemed permanently fixed on their tongues.
There had to be some way to jumpstart their throats
And distance that lump stuck in it, or at least moisten it.
So she ordered a soup thickened with cream.

He followed her order
By ordering the same.
And of course, she asked herself why.
Did he order the same thing out of love?
Or to reflect the harmony of their desires?
Or as a way of flattering her?
Or is he too struggling with that lump in his throat
And wanted to overcome it by quenching his burning throat?

And they each kept on trying to read each other
Thinking maybe it would help turn out the agonizing torment of waiting
He dreamed of scoring high, nothing less
Because patience lasted quite a long time
And the long, long years that separated them
Deserved such a reward or grade.

* It’s a beautiful place

She barely whispered it
Directly opposing the scream inside her
Where she begged him to speak to her.
But that scream never reached her tongue...

He replied,
— Everything in this place is beautiful…as well as those in it.

*The magic of nature here washes away every concern
And renews a person’s body to younger days
To long, bygone years.

—And which one of those years would you like the days to return to?

*The school days....especially the last few
They halted
And time halted with them.
Life seemed to drag on and on for years after that period especially.

—It’s a dream I wish would come true.
But you’re asking for the impossible !!
How can time stop while life continues?
They have to happen in tandem
Either in their pauses
Or their pace

*Reality is something with laws of nature we cannot change
As for hopes
And dreams
Which we draw at our will
And paint according to our desires-
These are ours
We own them
We build them as we like
And we live them outside the laws of Time-
Or rather, in spite of them
If we find happiness in doing so.

He spread his hands on the white cloth covering the table
Moved them a little
Put them back on his knees
Set them again on the table
Palms facing upward
As if he were praying for her hands to come nearer
For their fingers to interlock
And all of this through a sheltering silence
All while watching and waiting for what would happen.

Their thoughts crashed like waves in a storm
Desire
And longing
Muzzled them with a fear of the unknown
That could disturb the purity of their moment.
They sat there
Thinking
Whispering
Preparing
To say so many deeply repressed things
And this folded silence reigned over the situation.
All it was
Were gazes meeting?
And dropping.

—How could I hold her hands now?
When I couldn’t even dare do that in my twenties?

This is how their silent dialogue began
And it was a guaranteed conversation that united their thoughts.

—I couldn’t dare cradle her hands in my own
She was always the very model of a polite girl
Who would not allow any young man to demean her.

*He is calling me to him, stretching his hands out like that to hold me...
Why doesn’t he continue the gesture?
Is he afraid of my rejection?
He’s right.
He knows that I would not allow now
What I forbade myself when I was young.

—I’ll be a bit bolder this time,
I’ll follow through to the gesture that I’ve longed for, for so long
I’ll get closer to her
And I’ll hold both her hands so that they’ll rest between mine.
Wait. No.
Maybe I should hold off to make sure that my gesture would not be rejected.
That would be pretty humiliating for a man my age
And how painful would it be to be rejected twice !!

*Why is he so hesitant?
Is he just being loyal to his family?
Is he afraid of a negative reaction from me?
Or is it that the beauty he sought in me
No longer matters to him after all these years?
After all these years?
Isn’t he old now too?
Has time stopped for him to preserve his youth?
While I march towards old age?
Maybe his loyalty to his family is motivating his silence...
That wouldn’t be too different from his way in the past
And the manners that I knew him for then
He was noble, honorable
Politeness was the title of his conduct
And appropriateness was his style; it never left him under any circumstance.
...but why are we talking about sincerity in this situation?
If he doesn’t talk about any topic
Then he won’t reach any of the mutual feelings
Would there be anything wrong with that?
And is what’s really required of him talk that would express deep longings?
That would be a stretch of imagination
There would be no need to mention or discuss them.
So I only have one possibility before me,
And that is fearing the rejection, which would injure his pride.
But if he feels at ease with my responsiveness towards him
Then there shouldn’t be a problem
With the embrace of hands
And the connection of souls
And exchanging hopes
And returning youth its long lost glory
Summarizing it in a few moments of gratification.

His hands remained outstretched in an eloquent silence.
He followed a bird with his gaze
As it flapped its wings on the branches of a tree whose shade covered them.
He remembered the day he shook her hand.
He was still on the classroom chair
And his hands trembled with love and infatuation
Trembling to the beat of his racing heartbeats,
Just like the bird shaking himself in front of him now.

—Do you remember when we shook hands?
Without any sign or motion that would hint to my love
Other than the trembling of my hand…
Maybe that would reveal what my tongue failed to utter.

*Your hands are still too afraid to approach !!
Do you remember the day you shook my hand in the school courtyard?
And I felt nothing other than your hands shaking like volcanoes in my own?
I didn’t realize that day what you meant with such a gesture.
I thought that the cold weather was the cause for the trembling...
And it took me a long time afterwards
To know that it was a sign of a deep pure love.

And suddenly...
The embrace of their gazes accompanied the approaching of their fingers across the table
Which was covered in white linen.
White like the purity of their hearts and their souls.
And little by little, they closed their eyes
And dreamed of their hands meeting with a fervor
That melted all the years before
And it was as though they returned to their younger days.
A sense of calm he felt-
Unparalleled by any luxury
And that neither of them tasted before.
They each invoked images from memories of the distant pastÉ
From the very first few moments in which they knew one another.
The memories chased one another as the images followed one another before them.
They returned to the traces of a past that they thought time had erased.
Only it reemerged suddenly
With all its moments and details
Memory took it back to a period when
Youth’s blood pumped with vigor
And the heat of passion blazed.
Only now... what reunited the past with the present
Was a silence that did not expose itself
And a dialogue that stayed repressed...
Transported only by thoughts... not by speech.

—I stood on the boardwalk of the harbor…
Furtively glancing at the ship’s passengers.
Suddenly…
I noticed you waving from its deck to the family members who were saying goodbye.
You were, that day, as I remember exactly, no matter how long the years-
Setting off on a trip to Egypt with a group of students.
I found out about your trip,
And I had no way of saying goodbye other than with those furtive glances…
Even if it were nothing than a scorching sigh that my heart exhaled
Onto the ocean breeze which would carry it to you along with my longing and hope.
You didn’t sense my presence
Your acquaintance with me was only a short while
And nothing occurred between us other than greetings in passing.
The ship set sail and disappeared from view
And left no trace
Not even white foam stirred up in her wake.
I didn’t leave the port,
I felt as though my feet were nailed to the spot.
I wasn’t strong enough to walk away.
I wasn’t strong enough to follow the ship’s path
Which by now left no visible traces
You appeared to me as if you were swimming in a far-way horizon
Waving with both your hands.
I heard a whisper in my ear
And it was as if an echo carried your voice to me
Promising that you would return to me
That you’d return and in your hand would be a gift that I would safeguard for memory...
I stopped this daydream of mine
I chased away my thoughts which seemed to travel away with you at the word: memory.
I rejected it because I didn’t want there to be any memories between us
Just a reality we would live at the same time
That we would be a book we publish together
That we would be a notebook we write every letter and every word on
Together
For memory!
It was harsh for the heart of a virgin just
opening up to the world
Painful for someone living a first crush
Filled with all the flowers of all the gardens
And all the expectations of everlasting joy.
The noontime sunrays
Took part in making me stray and in melting away my dreams
And I had to return.
But with belabored heavy footsteps
And with waves of longing thoughts calming themselves
Transporting me with sails that raced the wind
Catching up to you and landing me on your ship.
Maybe our seafaring trip together would allow me the opportunity to approach you
And to draw you closer to me.
I wish I could have been with you during this trip…
And by way of sea especially.
Haven’t you ever heard of that saying which describes?
That only a few rare women withstand a trip across the seas?
I lived day by day waiting for your arrival
And what a surprise it was for me
When we met and you gave me a keychain with the picture of Abdel Nasser
On which you hung some keys
At the time it signaled to me that I might find the keys to your heart.
Days passed
The echoes of those keys
And the heart beyond it…
It wasn’t really the keys themselves which were required or desired
But rather the relationship with her keys which remained saved in a locked box.
I’d return to them, stealing away,
On days when the longing and revolution of memories intensified.
For they certainly have become for memory.
Do you remember?

*How stupid I was...
It took many years for me after that
To revisit, with my memory, a distant past
And to see things clearly with the images passing in sequence before my eyes.
I examined them, analyzing their every detail
Exactly as had happened
When I realized the meaning behind your trembling hand in mine
When we greeted each other... but after many years.
What I’m attempting to do now is to collect scattered pieces of our lives
To assemble a complete portrait
A canvas on which can be added every now and then a color, a new event
As it grows and grows
And expands until it encompasses my existence and reality
Taking on a life of its own-
The pictures in it stirring
Mouths on it speak
And music on it plays the song of an eternal love.

Every event was narrated through another
And every image summoned a subsequent one.

*That evening
On my way back from school with one of my girl friends...
He joined us, and walked with us.
The distance that stood between us and my friend’s home
Did not take up longer than a fifteen minute walk
And after that she left us
And we stayed, the two of us, together.
I paused walking... as if asking for him to go back,
So I could continue on my path on my own
But he pre-empted me with that surprising question,
"Does my accompanying you bother you?"
I felt embarrassed.
I didn’t want a hurtful word to come out of me
Because he was extremely polite
Sensitive, high-mannered...
So I answered him without hesitating:
No, No.
And what I meant was that there was no need for his accompanying me.
Only he understood my reply as though it were assent, or an expression of a wish.
Before I even completed my response...

He continued walking
And we walked together...
Fifteen minutes or maybe a little more, and for the first time
We walked alone.
He began the conversation...
I don’t remember what general things we talked about,
Except for one sentence which still hangs in my memory.
I said it to him after he spoke about a topic which came up between him and his older brother:
Your brother revealed what was secretly going on inside of you.
He agreed with me
And I understood from the gist of the conversation
That he revealed his love... and his brother found out his situation.

I reached home...
How quickly time went by
He said goodbye and wished me a good evening,
Then returned... to his home
Or to the beach... maybe,
Confiding to the waves and the shore
And staying up talking to the stars and the bright full moon,
And it wasn’t for either of us to know that this moment of being together
Would be the only such occasion... not followed by another.

—It was a night full of sweet hopes,
Sleep didn’t come except in short quick bursts of naps,
I was sketching up in my imagination, portraits of happiness that we’d experience together on our trip with friends.
Beautiful nature
Would be even more enhanced by meeting all day
And we’d spend hours of leisure.
It would be a chance for me to reveal boldly to you
The extent of my deep feelings towards you
And to find out what friendly emotions you harbored for me.
Even in the momentary snoozes
My dreams didn’t really differ from my daydreams while awake...
They were just continuations of them
That I dreamed of realizing, so that we’d melt together
And publish one existence that would not be split.
Dawn barely appeared and I was the first of the arrivals to the meeting place.
The friends?
None of them had arrived…
The bus?
Hadn’t arrived yet…
Time of departure wasn’t close
But it was impossible for me to wait.
I was as impatient as a hot coal for this day to start,
For a trip that I prepared myself for, for days,
And that I dreamed of so we’d be together,
Living out our happy youth
Filling the world with our bliss and joy.

A group of friends and travel companions gathered.
We left before sunrise
And our chants and songs took off with us…
I was carrying with me a little hand drum, my darbouka,
Which I’d learned to play since I was a child.
Its beat embellished our songs with a quality
That made everyone want to dance and sway
To the high-pitched beautiful rhythms.
I was, with every stroke of every beat
Knocking at the door of your heart and calling it to communicate with me
And with every tune that came out of it
I sent with it a whisper
In the hopes that it would send a letter I didn’t write
But that I wove with the threads of my love and longing.

We reached a wide-open space
Filled with shady trees
That lined both banks of the glistening flowing river.
There was a large boulder there in a corner, and I saw you lean on one side of it
Your hand held a book you read out of…
And it were as if the hours of relaxation held no pleasure to you unless you supplemented them with knowledge, cultivation, culture…
I saw you
After searching for you everywhere
Afraid that someone other than me might have lucked out in accompanying you
And taken your heart and attention.
When I spotted you from a distance, I came closer little by little
And peeked from behind a tree
Watching your moves and trying to figure out who was with you.
You were sitting beside one of your friends
You had your back to “one of the them”.
The sight disturbed me very much
And I started to ask myself:
Was he trying to get closer to you?
Was he following you?
Why doesn’t he sit on the other corner of the boulder that you chose?
Did you want him to sit by you?
Or was it the case that your turned back was a rejection of even his existence?
Questions kept turning over in my mind
Without finding an answer to any of them.
Yet I had to take a stand
To calm my fears
And to instill a little peace into my heart.
The only thing I could do
Was follow you for the rest of the trip…
You didn’t do anything that would hint to any special attention to any of them
Everyone was friends
Interacting with one another within the limits of friendship
And the boundaries of manners, which I knew of you.
I slept that day restfully
But I decided something determinedly, something that I had to plan for
And work seriously to realize:
I have to let my family know my desire,
And to take their view into consideration, and to get their blessing for my intention
Because days are passing quickly
And I can’t pass up a chance that someone else might snap up
And beat me to asking for your love…and your hand.
But,
Will I be rejected because I’m still a student?
I haven’t completed my studies yet
And school takes up an enormous effort, time, and long hours of work
So that I’d prepare to start a family
I’d provide for her and be responsible for her.
No. I won’t be rejected,
You’d be by my side supporting me,
Convincing everyone with how correct our decision was
We’ll overcome all difficulties
And we’ll realize our dreams together…
What’s wrong with me? I’ve gone far with my dreams
And convinced myself that you’d consent and that you’d desire to be with me
And I haven’t even taken a step towards such a relationship with you!
It’s true that the dreams of young men overcome distances
And passes crises
And leaps over every hurdle, stepping over them…
But I have to start…
I have to be bold enough to be clear…
And after that, I can build my castle of dreams…
So that it wouldn’t be a castle in the air!!

There has to be a meeting between you and my family…
There has to be another trip where that would happen.

*I combed my hair and put two pins to hold it back
So that the two white pearl earrings on my ears would show
That day, I wore my white-collared red dress,
Why did I choose that dress?
And why that collar and those white earrings?
Aren’t they the emblem of purity and sincerity?
Why did that red color tug at me that day?
Was it because of some hidden feeling that reflected the flames of my emotions?
Or was it a kind of divine intuition and a destiny that drove me to put it on so that I would appear totally elegant?
Was it the red hue that attracted me that day?
Or was it the distinct story of my dress
Named "princess"
That motivated me to truly be a radiant princess on that day?
It was an expedition of a trip to explore the different regions and villages of the country
With all of what they had to offer of landscapes cloaked in greenery
And irrigated by springs, rivers, and cascades, no less.
We gathered before sunrise
And freed the bus to ramble with us into villages and towns that we did not know before
And on our way,
The sun rose behind the hills
Accompanying the light of hope in both our hearts.
Deep into our lungs we inhaled the sweet wind
Clapping and singing and chirping like two lovebirds...
And each one of us was in a seat far from the other
Stealing glances at each other secretly
Content with the being in each others’ presence...
Because hearts communicating with each other aren’t limited by distance
And not disabled by barriers
And not prevented by silence and inability to speak what stirs in the heart.
In every beautiful spot our expedition stopped we gazed at the natural scene
Visiting the area together
Racing steps
Flying without wings from rock to rock
And sipping the water from springs out of our hands and splashing each other with it
We picked flowers
Decorating our hair and clothes with it
And striding through the fields and meadows
Stealing whatever fruits we wanted from them
Relishing every bite as if we were deprived of food for days...
Our joy added a flavor to the food that could not be surpassed!!
The bus stopped in front of a house
They told us to enter to eat some snacks
And to rest for a bit.
We entered
We greeted the people of the house and they were many
They met us with welcomes and open arms...
They raced to host us and surround us...
And I realized this was his family’s home!!
I became aware at that moment
The meaning of the looks which the family glanced my way
They all revealed satisfaction, acceptance with their son’s choice
The image is no longer clear in my eyes after all these years
But the voice of his older brother
Continues to ring in my ears as he approached me and said that they will visit me soon.
The message reached its target
And the mind rested at ease
And the happy dreams communicated
And the trip after that took on a very different sense.
Nature’s beauty no longer caught my eye.
The songs and chants no longer found their way to my ears.
The loud drone of the engine no longer bothered me.
Nature seemed to have added to its colors a bright playful shade
And the songs that I listened to and joined singing
Took on a symphonic quality with a melody that overshadowed every other song I heard.
Heartbeats raced practically audible
Drowning out the roar of the engine.
What the brother dared to air.
Was enough to know what stirred inside his brother’s spirit for a while.
His bashfulness prevented him from expressing anything
And was what caused him to conceal what he feels and what he wished to announce...
Until the precise moment arrived
And he earned the approval of his family
And left it to his brother to give a promise of a visit
With all that phrase meant...

*The road back seemed more glorious and marvelous
How could the trees seem more beautiful when they hadn’t changed?
How could the darkness of night seem so clear, when just beyond lay the sun to light it
A light of hope which shone upon the depths of the deepest place
It was the flower of love unfurling, spreading its scent and perfuming the breezes
This was the return trip, maybe even more so.
Our presence didn’t limit itself to our being in the same place
It shortened distances.
And the back seat of the bus
Which usually held a bunch of revelers busy with games and songs
All of a sudden held room for us
Side by side
Arm by arm
And gazes met without caution.

—Do you remember what songs we repeated for a while?
Do you remember that Abdul Halim song
where he says:
Passed by me and her eyes were my love
Made me forget the ones living beside me…
And we kept repeating over and over again those words:
Beside me… beside me
We clapped chirping almost swimming in the sky of wishes, hopes, and joy

*It was a picture that carved itself into my memory
Days couldn’t erase it
And it will continue to be a never-wilting rose blossom
But rather opening to return to a blossoming. Perfuming my wistful soul
Back to youth
To passion
To a paradise that never fades.

—A bud of a never-wilting rose.
Your words here remind me of a card with a rose sketched on it
Which you sent me…
I still have it saved with the keychain.
It was a rose that flared with the color of love in our deepest being
And the pulsing blood in both our hearts.
You sent it to me without a signature
And you wished me a happy year with hopes that my dreams come true.
That rose is still fresh
Unchanged by time
Its color hasn’t faded in spite of our separation
It reflected what was within us…and persisted in defying fate…
Avoided winds and rains
Standing challenging hardships
To prove that there is no love except for the loyal lover
Which endures and endures even if it falls asleep or retreats.
One chance meeting is enough for it to shake off the dust of forgetfulness
And to rise up rebellious
Telling lovers:
I am here to repeat what passed
To send life an even greater sweetness
And a deeper root
And a longer life.

*Every event you mention
Reminds me of another memory.
I thought that time had folded it over and that it disappeared out of mind
Do you remember how often we repeated Abdul Wahhab’s song?
Oh Rose, who can buy you
Tell the beloved to gift you
That song was a secret message between us
Where I confirmed that it was I who sent you that card
With the sketch of a red rose..
And where you confirmed to me, that you received the letter
And here now is the sender in front of you,
whispering so that you’d respond
Scattering around you rose after rose
Following each other without fail to make up for the silence and secrecy
And you confirmed in turn that every rose you found
You’d turn into a bouquet
Spread on the ground to walk over it together hand in hand on its infinite carpet
Until the end of our lives.

—It was amazing how much meaning those songs had to both of us.
When we sang them, we meant them
And when we heard them, we’d comment on parts of them
Without the others noticing what we mean…

Do you remember when we were in a large hall?
For an occasion I can’t remember, right before the festivities
And Feiruz’s voice was echoing everywhere…
I will never forget her song where she said:
I spoke with him about my worth…and I’m not waking
Maybe in winter I’m not waking…
And I could do nothing other than reply directly “winter, winter”
As I was confirming that our get together would be in the beginning of winter
School days
Where I met you in the school courtyard, or its field or its hallways
You were the one I meant, you were the goal, and you were the wish
Yes.
My first encounters with you were in the winter months.
My everyday meetings with you didn’t take up more than a few seconds
And didn’t last longer than the moment of greeting
During which my hand clutched your soft one
And all of my being filled with hope
Greetings endure and time forgets us
And our hands remain intertwined.
How often did I wish to hold that hand to my chest?
So that it would feel my hearts longings
And perhaps draw from the warmth inside me
That would ensure warmth and safety.
Your cold hands reminded me of the winter season
The season of our lives’ springtime
When the petals of love opened up inside of me.
I don’t know if you were oblivious to my condition
I revealed to someone that your cold hands were that I loved them, I loved them…
I sought refuge in them to put out what ignited in my pubescent man’s heart
Who found something he’d lost, a phantom that stayed with him
And an image that never split from his musings.
People around me started to tease and ask me
Who those cold hands belonged to
And my answer was nothing but a long continuous silence
But the eye of the lover exposes his secret
They knew who I meant and pinpointed her identity!!
Forgive me, it was not my tongue that sinned and disclosed it
The one who was clearer about you were my eyes
My head turning every time you passed by.

—Your ghost accompanied me
Haunted me
Surrounded me
Chased me wherever we went
Resided with me wherever I settled
And I was happy with it
It sufficed for me…
Why did my wishes limit themselves to the phantom, imagination, and dreams?
Was it true that emotions that find themselves a way to breathe
Melt or slim away with days…
And if suppressed, grow and rise out of the folds of darkness?

I thought that our attachment was on the verge of happening, inevitable…
And then suddenly I found brusqueness in you, a pulling away that I couldn’t interpret
I used to ask:
Did you love me?
You showed no indication to that effect
In spite of the fact that my feelings confirmed
That you reciprocated my feelings with similar
ones
That you desired to be with me
Without speaking that secret of your inner self and the truth of your feelings.

Only there’s a question that has haunted my mind
And how often has it recurred…
I tried to get past it and make myself forget it
Except that your position towards me and your lack of responsiveness
Burned and still burns me internally and wipes away my sleep:
Why did you distance yourself from me?
Will I ever have a satisfactory answer?
One that would restore tranquility to my heart?

*You ask me why I withdrew from you?
I withdrew fearing an inferno that would flare up deep inside me
As a result of a betrayal that might emerge or appear from you
Its signs began to show.
I did so to escape from pains that would gnaw at me in my deepest and that would suffocate me
From a jealousy that would eliminate my sleep, and darken my daytime.
So I opted to withdraw
I preferred to cut short the tortures of a future that I wouldn’t be able to bear
And I contented myself with tears that thought that would be dried by time.

—What are you talking about?
What are these pains that you escaped?
And the tortures that you cut short by distancing yourself?
What was the reason for the tears that time was unable to dry?
This vagueness just triggers more questions…
Speak plain.

*You made an attempt (!!) with a lady friend of ours...
Only she rebuffed you and didn’t respond.
This is what she, my friend, told me
Conveying it to me in passing during a casual conversation
That carried no signs of gossip or anything like that.
She had nothing to benefit from that
And it wasn’t out of spite... she was just repeating what she heard.
The news was shocking
Strange and painful.
I could not comprehend it or interpret it
Especially since the days had not given me any experience in life
And I had no way to ascend into the depths of the matter
Nor to divine the basis for such words.
I used to ask myself:
How could he be in love—no, melt with the longing for his girl
And even work seriously toward his decision to be attached to her
And inform his family and some of his friends of such.
Then tries to flirt with another girl!
Not slight words
That could be taken or interpreted along the lines of mere flattery
But rather more of that!
What was the matter?
What did this phenomenon conceal?
And to what extent could matters reach further on?
With a person who had a character like this?
Was he a player?
Was he looking for better?
Was he requesting from the other girl what he couldn’t from his own girl?
Or is he one who loves change and movement how ever and with whomever...?
The ugliness of "the other girl" was obvious to see
And her social status could not be compared to his own girls’
Let alone his...
So
It’s impossible for the reason to be that he was looking for better.
Did he ask for something he couldn’t with the "first girl"?
What does this reckless conduct mean?
Does it not point to a taste for change and variation?
Even if he descended in making his second choice
From the status where he was supposed to be?
The possibilities for such conduct were numerous...
And the truth needed to be known
But from whom?
Who was "the other girl"?
And how would it be possible to ask her?
What kind of awkwardness would that cause?
It might be meaningful and best to ask him!
How would that be?
When there was no personal discussion between us related to our personal lives?
How could I engage in such a sensitive and specific topic?
With a person I couldn’t allow myself- nor he allow himself
To exchange any speech that would concern feelings?
And with what right would I address him?
Or blame him?
When there was nothing to tie us to one another that would permit me to have access to a topic such as this?
The situation was worrisome...
And I had to take a decisive stand.
But how?
And based on what kind of supporting or detracting evidence?
...and the decision was made
And there was the boycott.

—Was it easy…taking such a cruel decision?
Did it not occur to you what kind of an effect this would have on me?
Was it easy on both of us?
To accept the idea of separation easily?
I don’t know how many evenings I spent without closing my eyelids.

*And I don’t know how many evenings I spent without a single tear drying.

—I counted the stars in the sky and the fish in the sea
And I passed all the numbers past a thousand…
And I couldn’t close an eyelid.

*I read verses of the Noble Qur’an to calm my fears and regain some serenity...
And I continued paying, humbly... with longing.

—I bought some prayer beads called “The thousands”
And I passed each bead thousands of times every night
And your name was coupled with each bead
Can you believe it?

*I emptied the waters of the sea drop by drop
And your name was on my tongue in each drop...
As your ghost made me wish for gardens of Eden, gardens of bliss.

—The sunshine every morning used to pain me when I met them
But with the hope they inspired…I was revived.

* And the light of the sun at dusk would remind me of departure
But on the hope of a new morning... I was revived.
I escaped from myself.
Rushing towards the gardens, spreading myself over the dewy lawn
Picking the aromatic flowers
As my eyes reached to the underbrush
Where birds flew
Singing happily.
I used to whisper to them
Scattering oat seeds so they would come closer to me
Playfully...
Did they let you know that I met them?
Did they convey my unsent greetings to you?
My un-uttered yearnings
My un-disclosed longings?
I tried to find your scent on its breezes
It was as though you emerged to me through them
The image of you was reflected in the page after page of faces I saw there
That image was before me and I would gaze
And see you
I would speak to it
And I would hear you answering me.
So why would I escape from you and avoid meeting you?
Wasn’t it out of fear of that look which would reflect what was inside your soul?
Or that word, a slip of the tongue
That would expose what was hidden away and concealed.

—It’s true that you were resolved to boycott…
But are you aware of what happened to the two of us?
My heart searched for you everywhere
Calling you from the depths of my existence
But not finding anything except a phantom, a shadow of a person.
Years passed and the love was folded into secrecy
Would love subside and be folded away by time?
I don’t see anything but renewal happening on the heels of forgetfulness
Blazing, subsiding, arising, in my love struck heart.

*There is nothing after these long years other than an intensifying longing
I thought those sparks would die down day after day
But I found only a dormant volcano storing its lava
And erupting every time I found myself alone.

—I realized that I was storing an immense amount of emotional energy, tender feelings and love
Searching for a vent
For someone who would deserve this affection
This pure clear love that spilled from every breath
And out of sight
In the darknesses
So no person would sense it
Storing every shred of emotion
Only to have it burst in a flood like an uncontrollable river.

*You remained with me night and day,
In my waking moments and in my dreams,
When I resided and when I traveled
I became like one who breathed from your lungs
Saw from your eyes
With my veins pulsing from your heart.

—Are you still thinking about your distance stance?
Are you still convinced with the decision you made??

*The French proverb says:
"Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait" (If only youth knew, and if only age were able)
Do you have any idea how much this saying affects me
If I had known in my early youth
About the psyche of an ugly girl, the effects of her words on others
If I were aware of what a girl who’d be prevented from beauty could be capable of
If I knew what stories she could create... what adventures
To prove that she is loved, desired, sought after...
If I could have doubted what that girl spread about you...
If I knew what would follow these stories
what crises and problems
Stories which were possibly fabricated
And what consequences they would drag that would change the course of many people’s lives...
If I were only aware or could notice such a thing?
What, I wonder, would have happened?
And now, knowing everything, aware and noticing...
What can I do?
"If youth only knew!"
If I knew what is done in the heart of a girl who was not endowed
With a beautiful or even acceptable appearance
Would I have believed the accusations placed on you?
If I knew the pain stored in such a girl
When she sees young men flee from around her to other than her
Would I have taken such a negative stand towards you as I did?
If I noticed what emotional complexes her looks spawned
Leading to made-up rumors
Without any regard for what such rumors might provoke
Of hurt towards the person in question and his surroundings
And towards the closest person to his heart
Would I have resorted to the boycott?
And the harsh stand that I took?
And "if only age were capable"..!
Can old age
With all its experience and knowledge and expansiveness
Return time past?
Can old age
Fix what youth lacked in experience and knowledge?
Dare I even ask?
Do you truly still love me?
And how can I ask you
When I am the one who stayed away from you
And caused you to suffer a deep wound
I don’t know if it has scarred or if it still bleeds?!
But I don’t see a darkened face?
No matter what a lover faces
at the hands of the one he loves
Suffering is forgotten
In the instant of a renewed love
And in the instant of free-flowing affection
And in an instant of emotion
Pains are erased
And wounds heal.

—After a long search, and after a long period of waiting…I found you
I drowned my eyes in your eyes
My heart rested at peace in your nearness to me
You were silent, drowning maybe in your dreams
And I, drowning in gazing at you.
How often were the times I searched for you... how often did I wait hoping to meet you
Hoping for that one loving glance I’d cast
Sending it with a silent greeting
With an infinite longing…
I whispered to you with an inflamed heart
I poured out to you what dwelled in my heart and my deep love
You appeared to me
With your silence
As though you were exchanging my greeting with better
Ushering to me your happiness in meeting me
And with a longing that, in its meaning, exceeds the reach of words
You were in your silence more expressive of what stirred inside you
And this was enough for me
To cool my senses
And rest my mind about the consistency of your love
I want nothing more…and I won’t seek anything more.
I heard you whispering to me gently, sweetly
Confiding in me and asking me about how I was in your absence
You asked me if we suffered separation just as a result of feeling separate
The pain itself
The burn itself…
And I answered you in a whisper, with the same gentleness and sweetness
That our condition was one and the same…so take comfort
And that the blaze inside of us is not different
And that the continuous depth of our emotions
Will never die down nor stop.
Your gaze aims towards something unknown
But your heart’s eye approaches me and exchanges a glance for a glance
And sends me a yearning that I felt could never end.
Would it be enough for you that I greet you in the morning?
And another like it in the evening
Entrusting you in it to God for tomorrow
Of the scents of flowers in our garden
What would perfume our breezes?
And ask me what pleases me?
Would you be surprised if I confided in you?
That I embrace the image of you in my mind between my arms…
And I whisper to it…. live with it…
That is enough for me.

* My only love
My desire that tugs at me from afar
Hope we weaved together that unraveled..
And affection remained the only trace.
We had an appointment that morning
Just as with every morning and evening...
But today I wished we wouldn’t meet
So you wouldn’t see me while I was in poor health.
My cold annoyed me, and coughing hurt me
And my tearing eyes unsettled my mood.
I wanted you to always see me at my best
In the most desirable condition, with the best of health.
Why do you look at me so disapprovingly?

—Our intertwined souls don’t know the meaning of illness
And don’t acknowledge age
Because the soul remains in its pristineness, youth, beauty
No matter how surpassed by the days and no matter how long time takes.
Send me a greeting in the morning at every sunrise
And send it to me on the air…
It will reach me and echo
Hope
As long as I dream and wish for it to become real.
And don’t forget your sunset greeting
Because its setting is my delusion unperturbed by the realities of the sun, its presence
And its continuous sunrays in a corner of the world
In any given place on earth
Is exactly like our love
Even if its absence appeared, it still exists
Continuing
Ongoing
Even if it appears to be setting.

*Well then
You have from me at all times salaam
Always... like the revolving of the earth in its orbit
Bright... like the light of the sun filling
The earth with its glow
And our path with hope.
Hot... transmitting heat to us
To substitute for the cold of distance and separation.

—The past was harsh on us both.
The years separated us…
However that didn’t mar the continuing affection in our hearts.
We tried to choke them
Stamp out its signs
We ignored it at times
Only it appeared in front of us.
Each one of us went on his own way
Only that blaze in our depths did not dissipate
Did not cover itself over time
And days were unable to erase its traces
It had taken root in our hearts
And here were the days to confirm such.
And today we are
Here face to face before our reality which we couldn’t deny:
Would you accept me so that one roof could house us both?

*They say that marriage is often the cemetery of love.
So if each one of us has saved for decades and for ourselves
A pure idealistic love...
Then why try now to bury it?
Let’s spend the rest of our few days
With each of us impatient to see the other
To talk with one another at length
To listen to the narratives.
I’m afraid if we do become attached
That we’d forget the sweetness of our heart’s fluttering
Or that one of us would turn their back on listening to the other
In something that you or I would have hoped for the other one to listen to.
Let us meet at an agreed time
Impatient
With quickened step
To a desired and needed meeting
Not to become identical to the point of each taking a corner away from the other to read
Avoiding sharp discussion
Or argument that lurks in the horizon certain to happen.
Let’s continue in our joy... because it’s continuous
So that we would not have regrets one day
About separation paired with consistent communication
Replacing it with a communication cloaked by the coolness of emotions
Let the river run bright
Let the spring overflow without faltering.
Our souls have embraced...
So let us forget everything else, and
accept the situation as we are.

—My offer stands
And the decision returns to you.

* And my sentiments will stand and continue with the same depth
And that is why I persist in my opinion
What I have preserved to the point of contract
I cannot abandon as a result of a whim
Whims are for teens and youth
While love stays afloat
As long as life pulses in us.
Haven’t you read Nizar Qabbani’s poetry and his view on love?
Where he says:
Love isn’t an eastern tale
In whose end the heroes marry
Rather like sailing without a ship
And feeling that arrival is impossible

—I wished we could have spent the happiest and most beautiful honeymoon
Any newlywed could know.
Why are you forbidding me this wish?

* Newlyweds spend a honeymoon
Not knowing what will happen between them afterwards.
As for those who are united by a true love
They enjoy a definitely everlasting sweetness.

—And do you really believe that we will truly taste this sweetness?

* If you believed truly in the sincerity of our emotions
Then let us transform it into a friendship and a permanent brother-sisterhood
Then, this sweetness must extend itself to us
And fill our days with a joy that’s missing
From many who are united by a common roof.

—Well then may the sky in its expanse…be our roof.
And the stars our lanterns…from which we seek light.
And the light of the sun…a torch and candle for our days.

* And the heat of the sun... a simple extract from the blaze of our emotions.
And the pure air... reflecting what was inside of us
And the white snow... address for our chastity
And the perfume of flowers... a scent like our purity
And the green of the meadows
And the flowers of the meadows... a symbol for the spring of our age.
You were and would stay with me everywhere
I would whisper to you... and you would respond
I pictured you in front of me
And forgot everyone around me.
My visits to all the places I went to meant nothing to me.
The image of you overshadowed the most stunning nature canvases
And I’d forget them, and remain with you.
You took form in every one of the gardens’ flowers
In every ripened fruit
In every tall tree
In every statue that represented vigor and strength.
I used to seek solitude but never feel lonely
And I wasn’t overcome by angst
For you filled the breadth of the world
With your haunting presence.
How could I replace you with the scenery of a lake... when you were the spring?
With a stroll in a wood... when you were the shade I sought return to?
With buying a dress... when you were the cloth with which I covered myself?
With a fur coat... when you were the real shelter from winter frost?
With a piece of jewelry. When you were the crown that adorned me and in which I took pride?
With an excursion in a sailboat... when you were the shoreline destination I aimed for?

—I wasn’t aware of the true meaning of what
we repeated daily
That a lifetime is not measurable by the number of years
And that youth
Is the youth of the heart and soul
Now only
And only after I heard it from you,
Did I live the youth of the heart.
After I traversed a long phase of life.
I am returning with you today to the years of my youth
With all its strength
And hope
And openness to life
And adventure
And love.
In these simple moments
I erased my sufferings and pains
I folded over a dark page
And what I find before me
Is nothing but a glow illuminating the coming days,
And reassuring to me once more that love is not short-lived
And that no matter how much it covered in its sleep
It can once again roar ablaze
With a mere breeze that blows away the ash of forgetting.

* How strange people are
Thinking in ways opposite to the reality of circumstances...
Confirming that if they realize a priceless wish
That they can- after that, surrender to the angel of death
In comfort and satisfaction.
I now, after our meeting...
Dream of a lifetime that is equivalent to time in its entirety
Which surpasses the oceans in its expanse
And the wind in its widespread nature
And the flowers in number
And competes with their scent in fragrance
And the sun in its luminescence
And the galaxy in its revolutions...
I would swim among the stars for infinity
And fly with the birds
To wherever there is warmth and water...
Wander with the sheep
To graze the green of the blessed earth
And sip from its rivers and pure springs...
Holding each of life’s hands...
Holding your hands...
And we would disappear into a dream we wove with the threads together.

* I remember the sand of the ocean
Where we built atop it the castle of our dreams with our own two hands...
Grain by grain
And then the wave came to sweep it away after such painstaking work!
How we laughed
And how often did we send our hopes into the ocean waves
So that it would spread them wherever it goes
And widen the ripple of our dreams
To widen the horizons of our happiness...
How often we walked hand in hand, on the shore’s sands
Whose grains caressed our feet clinging
The way our souls clung to each other...
Then the sands would disappear with the waves and be lost
And we would stand as resolute as ever
side by side
With our hands allowing not even air to pass between them.
So how could we allow angst?!

—Do you remember our whispers on that moonlit night…
Where the moon was eavesdropping on us behind the clouds one moment
Then floating above us after chasing the clouds away.
So that it may see us, touch our love at proximity
While we were oblivious of it
We did not even feel its presence nor its light nor its words
And it were as if the world summarized all its beings into the two of us
And it was as if we were the center around which everything revolved for us, for our sake?
We abridged all of age with a few moments of bliss
We condensed all of happiness into a meeting that melted us both
Making us become an inseparable unit.
How often did we feel incapable of speech?
And then in an instant
How much speech sped and flowed like a flood…
Do you remember?

* I see that we are not distinguishing between reality and fantasy
For reality with us is mixed with dreams
Becoming just one state of mind.
What are we doing talking about meetings that never happened?
And whispers that never saw the light of day?
Where are those sands upon which we built the castle of our dreams?
Where are the waves that swept away that castle?
That time didn’t allow us to build?
Where is that moon that eavesdropped on us?
And when?
Where are those moments of bliss that we spent together?
Where? Where?
It’s true that we built palaces
But each one of us built it alone
And their construction was in the air that toppled them.
It is true that there were waves that swept away the sands
But they swept away our happiness with it
Without meeting
Without excursions.
It is true that our souls clung to one another
Only both of them are still lost
Still desiring a time to meet.
It’s true that we stood resolute
But we did so without being side by side
Our hands both turned towards the sky
Pleading for the realization of impossible aspirations
And did not one day clasp except for in dreams.
They were fantasies we lived as though they were reality
We returned
Tanned in our seats.
We laughed
And the creases in our brows refused to undo themselves.
Together we swam in an ocean
Emptied of water
And we sailed along the winds of happiness
Concealing the lump in our throats.
We were happy with the love that filled our lives
And an emptiness in our hearts that was filled by our presence
Our dreams were our refuge without a guard
Dreams of wide awake heal without a doctor
And our heart will feel the bliss of love without a lover.

—What do you wish for?

He said it as if he held Aladdin’s magic lamp in his hands
And with a touch of his hands, could make her desires and wishes come true.

*That I could lean my head against your chest
And fall asleep there and dream
And then fall asleep again and dream...
Dance to the beat of your heartbeats
To feel the warmth of your affection envelope me
And with the touch filled with love surrounding my existence
Forget the cruelty of the past and its pain
To fly in the air clear and cleansed
Carried by a pure heart...
I had no hope in arrogance
And I hated hypocrisy
I listened to warmth after the cold of a cruel winter
To a true tenderness
After years of tedious performing from others
And the appearance of fake emotions far from reality.
This is what I ask for...
To remove off my chest a nightmare
To leave room for the clean air to enter my lungs
And blow what trash from others hung inside of them.
I desire to throw off a heavy load off my shoulders
That exhausted me...
Tore my sleep.
And to have you beside me... Supporting me.

—I will be your assistant and pillar
Because I chose you to be my queen
Placing on your head a bejeweled crown that I bought for you myself
From my own hard work and earnings
I would dress you in satin and silk
And provide you with comfort in a cozy bed
Planting your path with roses picked free of thorns
And tasting with you the sweet honey of life
Without being stung by the stingers of bees…
I dreamt up a sweet heavenly luxury we’d live in...
Swimming in the skies of happiness forever…
So why did you choose burlap for your clothing…
Straw for your bedding.
And thorns for your path…
And the sting of the bee without its honeycomb for your food?

* After what I heard about you
I stayed away from you and searched
For loyalty.
Because it was in my view, everything I
desired
Along with the warmth of a constant affection...
Because it was all my hope
And the shield which protects me from the heat of all torments
Guards me from the thorns of roses
And the sting of bees
And the calamities of time.

—And did you find this away from me?

*..........!!

* Both of us avoided meeting the other, in spite of the strong desire to do so...
A contradiction whose own reality is not comprehensible
Except by whosoever enjoyed an upright character
And a nobility in dealing with someone towards whom one holds all of her amicability
No all of her love
Without sullying one’s own self-respect.
Peace of mind overrides everything
And protection of reputation is above every emotion
And more valuable than every emotion.
If this were my position...
Then yours was not far from it
Even if we did not speak or declare the reasons for outward distance...
We met at a gathering for the first time
After a long series of encounters between the two of us.
It was a gathering filled with the elite of all people
It was impossible for there to be a more well-favored or choice group.
Do you remember when the gathering ended and we accompanied each other to the elevator?
My gaze seemed nailed to the floor, waiting for that elevator.
I didn’t look at you
I didn’t want our eyes to meet
And I went about on my own path afterwards
Exuberant, cheerful
Overcome by happiness in meeting you and speaking to you...
Even if our conversation was as far as possible from what hid in our hearts.
I didn’t look at you.. Out of fear.
Yes. A fear of myself
From inside me
From feelings that would show in my eyes...
And expose what I try to conceal
What I try to fold.
Fear from the lightning in the eyes
That would express my internal state...
Because the key to the stomach... is a bite
The key to conversations... is a word
And the key to the heart... is a look.
It’s enough that you read something I wrote myself
And repeated reading it in a loud voice
And you asked to keep a copy of it even though it had no connection to you
So that I may know what feelings were inside you and wake up.
Forgive me if this feeling has not slept yet
It remains awake over the course of a long period of time...
So my fear was that our gazes would meet
Yet we should not weaken
And weakness is prohibited for those like us.
Don’t say that none of your emotions were stirred...
I saw my name written on your schedule book
And the days were many
It was recognizable
I won’t utter anything of that.
I promise.
Do you remember?

—I used to sit at the head of a long rectangular table
When you entered the room.
It was a table for meetings surrounded by leather chairs.
Interrogations between us will take time.
You had to sit near me to exchange
You tried to drag the closest chair away from me
From the other side of the table
But the chair wouldn’t be dragged out in spite of your attempts.
My leg pushed it in so that it would not come out of its spot.
So you pulled out the next chair, and sat.
Do you remember?
Your proximity to me had to stir that ember inside me
So that it would roar
Almost announcing the suppressed affections…
Without reservation…
I wanted that distance between us to be further, even if for a bit
Several centimeters.
I thought they were enough for you not to notice my turmoil and yearning
So that you wouldn’t catch sight of what I wrote about you in my schedule book.
Do You Remember?
Do you see how much we’ve wronged ourselves and still do?!
Do you see how hard time has been on us?!
Do you see the tax and exorbitant price of upright behavior?!

* And after that, you contacted me by phone
Do you remember our conversation?
I am sure you did not forget
For you reminded me of several events tucked away by long years
You can’t have forgotten a conversation that is not even a few months old.
You made sure in the course of that conversation to check on the impression left in my heart from the first meeting
It did not differ from the effect it had on you
But,
Each one of us did his and her best to maintain certain limits.
As for the conversation of that phone call—
It was an advanced step along the path to disclosure...
And of course, within complete guidelines of conduct
Without doing harm to oneself or others.
Do you remember when I asked you?
And always in the course of our phone conversation...
If you wanted to collect certain pieces of information
And you didn’t allow me to finish my sentence at the time...
You stopped me after I said "if you would like..."
And you instantly repeated my last word...
In a way that prophesied the feelings inside you
But in your own polite guarded way
And this was your habit in maintaining your level
And the reputation of whomever you address...
And there was no problem with a slip of the tongue
Even in hinting...
Or with a word that would summarize volumes.
As for me, well, I became unable to speak...
A vertigo in my head muzzled my tongue, but moved my feelings
And increased the rhythm of my heartbeats
So I lived on the melody of that symphony
The symphony of immortal love
Soaring in pure air
Unchallenged by pollution of any sort.

* I deleted your name and number from my notebook
Hoping to delete you
From my existence
My dreams
And from being stuck to your ghost at all times of my life.
My attempt barely lasted seconds
Before it encountered the picture of you
Accompanying my vision
And your name emerged in every letter I read
And your phone number took shape in front of me with every number I wrote
And with every ringing of the phone I heard... or imagined I heard.
There is no point in attempting to forget or suppress feelings...
For suppression enflames them
And escape deepens the sensing of them.
Why walk in the opposite direction that fate chose?

—What crime did I commit so that I would be dealt this “deletion”?
You must be in pain over a certain situation
That pushed you to think of deleting me:
Did you try to greet me and I failed to respond?
Did you contact me and I did not answer?

* …!!

—I remembered…
But I wish you were aware of my circumstances
Permission for the blame or the deletion from the schedule book and memory…

* The deletion? I wish I could do it...
It was a failed effort
That only increased my determination to continue
Only I
In that same moment when I behaved as I did
I felt a sudden shock
That made me seek my schedule book for refuge
A vent for my anger...
There was nothing before me except the name to delete
And the phone number whose traces needed to be erased...

—Don’t you think you wronged me with this reaction?

* Haven’t I told you that my attempts met with failure?
Do you know why they failed?
I won’t let you guess
I won’t let you remember my reaction of a long time ago.
In the past, when I heard what I heard of you
I was short of experiences in life
And so my reaction matched the narrowness of my horizon
And lack of analysis
Which led me to consequences
That an adult would not want after becoming wiser
And how often regretted after the passing of time.
As for now, the problem has been placed on the surgery table
With all its parts and components
With its causes and its background...
So the picture becomes clearer
And perhaps the justifications for any stand or position
Would become more rational and realistic.
Ever since years ago
And after I heard what I heard about you
My reaction was to boycott and distance
Without asking
Without verifying the accuracy of what was said
And I realized my error early on—
Unacceptable after advancing in years.
This is why the "deletion" did not last longer than a few seconds.
After which I rewrote the name and the phone number.
And why it did not reach the depths or feelings
Rather it closed the doors without trickling to the inner recesses of my heart
And limited itself to a material deletion
Not affecting anything other than a piece of paper
To which I return the light of hope by writing what was deleted from it.

—Your leniency here
Reminds me of something that occurred recently:
I was passing by the center where my work was located
And I saw you from a distance walking slowly
As if something was preoccupying your thoughts and taking control of you.
I said to myself
She must pass by me
And we would have a meeting no matter how brief.
So I slowed down my pace in order for you to reach me...
I saw you turning towards my workplace
As if you were waiting to see me
And suddenly
You passed near me…
And did not look at me, my presence did not stop you
You ignored me.
And you continued on your road like a breeze on a hot night…
And that breeze passed without making my weather cooler…
And hope in meeting was lost.
It affected me.
I thought at that moment that you sought to abandon me
And the situation felt very tough for me
And I revisited the memories of the painful past
It increased my pain.
Do you remember?

* Have you forgiven me that abandonment and neglect?
Did you delete me from your memory and schedule book?

—You are my purest honey
You are the one I kept in every corners of my body for so long
To make my love come true
To verify the truth of my feelings
And preserve you in a safe place.
And who was capable of maintaining the flood of feelings
For so many long years
Would it be possible to take even one step towards deletion?

* I will confess the truth to you:
That day...
I was aiming to walk through that very street on foot
So that I might perhaps catch sight of you,
Greet you,
Exchange with you some phrases of greeting
And asking after your health
And there would be nothing wrong with extending the conversation
And maybe walking together even if only for a few steps
I used to inspire myself with the thought of such a meeting
I wanted it to seem coincidental
When the truth was I planned it and worked on it
And I was so happy when I spotted you from a distance
I hurried my footsteps so that you wouldn’t disappear out of my sight...
Then I slowed down and told myself:
We will have to meet if that is written for us
And I must take it easy, for if he saw me hurrying
Then he might skip the greeting or have refused to speak with me
Out of a desire to not disturb me
And thinking that I am in a hurry in my matters.
I approached you some steps
And with each one a hope opened up
And a heartbeat raced
And rosy dreams appeared...
I will meet him
I will greet him
I will talk with him
I will loosen the reigns of my affections
And nail my gaze into his.
And suddenly
I lowered my head
And passed in front of you quickly
And crossed the street to the other side
And continued my walk...
And drew the curtain on my dreams.
Yes. I ignored you.
I passed by a few short meters away from you
Without turning towards you
Without giving even a passing greeting
And I remembered at that moment the poem of Nizar Qabbani in which he said:
“How often does a female show non-inclination while the burning heat of passion dwells inside her.”

—We are both cut of the same cloth…
Everything that is inside of us we repress and conceal
And all it does is increase in depth and in taking root.
Each one of us told the other without speaking to the other
Without open declaration.
So forgiveness is mutual
As is affection.

* Your eyes prophesy a depth of emotion
Your words hint to a deepest love
To which the doors of happiness closed
And so nothing remained other than a longing in which memory finds refuge
To lighten the load of separation and its torment.
The past we both retrieved or memories
Every excursion reminded us of what happened afterward
Every smile awoke the tenderness of meeting
Every bird that chirped, revived the sweet melodies we heard
Every event relived our memory of another event...
Each one of us reminded the other with things
Believing that forgetfulness had tucked them away
So we sent the distant past
And we clarified several obscure issues that plagued the consciences of each of us
Deep inside each of us.
Our book which was sealed inside the folds of our souls
Allowed for the days after a certain age
To open its pages
So that we may read its events and clarify its obscurities.
We no longer were perturbed by disclosing feelings we once hid
Nor with revealing affections on which we threw a heavy drape
So that it would not appear to the observer.
For manners, in spite of their constant presence
And control over every step or turn
No longer caused pain by a word avoided during youth
Neither did the tongue stumble
Nor the faces redden
Nor the hands tremble
To be biased and the expanse during this stage of life
Refraining has become entrenched
And there is no fear of mishaps...
Just as there is no awkwardness in sharing innocent memories.
Only a question keeps turning in my mind
And I can’t find an answer for it...
I try not to stir it up
Indeed, I try hard to bury the topic
To forget it
And considering what happened in the past a page to be folded away...
And yet I still find myself constantly remembering
And indeed in a constant state of bewilderment to know the truth.
And I wish you would be frank with me:
Why did you not respond to me when I informed you about what I heard about you?
Was it a lie?
A rumor?
A character assassination?
Hatred?
Was it motivated by a desire to banish you or to seek revenge or out of desire for you?
Or was it merely conveying about something that actually happened
And the person to whom it happened to wanted to send a message to whomever it concerned?

—And what do you think?
What do you believe?

* In the past I believed that what I heard was true
That’s why I stayed away.

—And now, after the experience you’ve gained of all these years?
After knowing humanity and their kind
And after interacting with so many different groups and characters and personalities…
What do you say?

* I’ve known many types of people:
Of them are those who are truthful by nature
And those who are truthful for a goal of their own
And of them are liars who take pride in themselves and their capabilities
And of them are liars for a goal of hurting others
Of them are the candid and friendly...
And of them are the silent and ill-willed...
And if I wanted to list the descriptions of humanity
It would take up hours and hours of my time
What is the matter?
I was asking you a question
And now you are the one asking?
I was asking you for an answer that could be summarized in a word
And all I see is that you are gradually drawing me in
So that my answers become words upon words.
Should I understand from this stance, that he is evading giving an answer
And escaping from telling the truth?

—If I told you that I was innocent of this accusation…
I’m afraid that I will be stunned with not being believed…
And so I would have another stab to my chest
Another wound in my heart.
And if I told you that what was transmitted
about me was in fact what happened…
Then it would necessarily make you lose respect for me
And I may lose your trust and love
And I have not once ever desired to lose you.
It’s enough for me to know that I am still in your memory and heart
Throughout all these long years…
And it should be enough of a proof to you of my feelings
That I still hold towards you all the friendship and love
I assure you...

No two were with me at the same time.

I hope that I was clear in my reply
And I hope that my clarification here
Has caused you serious regret for your past position.

* Two matters tug at me:
The first one I actually desire but fear its consequences
The second I’d like to distance... but I find comfort in its effects!!
Do you see how I want a particular thing and it’s opposite at once?
Are you puzzled by my words?
Do you find it strange?
I see bewilderment in your look...
Don’t you see the meaning and allusions and aim of what I intend?
What do I want?
I believe you in what you say
And that what was spread about you was only a cheap lowly rumor
Done for an aim that did not benefit its instigator
And resulted in loss for all.
What are the results that scare me?
Sorrow and sadness that will last from the wealth of loss
From the treasure I lost
From a priceless gem that girl interacted with
As though the girls she addressed were a value-less stone
Thrown to the corner with other discarded items.
And what do I wish to distance?
Believing in rumors that turn out to be true
This kind of a reality would drop the curtain on what we call loyalty
For to many people, there is no trust that can be purified after that.
And how can I find rest in that?
I will content myself that my previous decision was not frivolous
And that I withdrew from a battlefield
Where my loss would be certain
And that my sufferings would become my companions in life.
Should I believe you or not!
My feelings head in one direction
And my experience with others pushes me
in the opposite direction.
And it is as if the ship of my life is being tossed by the waves of fate
And it is as if the sky of my life is crowded with rain clouds
And sunshine
The cold of winter, and the flowers of spring.
My heart is torn by the innocence of childhood
And the caution of one stung
And I alternate between a desire for revenge
Then forgiveness unknown to any prophet or wise man...
Generations are in conflict...
But life moves and continues
Waves crash...
And yet the ocean remains steadfast and its waters are never depleted.
And so too are the heart and mind in rhythm and in collision...
And they are inseparable, the heart pulsing, and the mind planning.
Do I believe you or not!
This issue is no longer risky
Now that ice has covered the mountains’ peaks.
(meaning that: We have white hair)

I sent him a copy of her book
About their story
And after two days, the phone rang cheerfully.
I picked up the receiver, and there was a familiar voice on the other end saying:

—Good morning

* Good morning, yes

—May I meet you?

It was his trembling voice announcing clearly that he had read the story
And knew its heroes.
It wasn’t possible that he was the one in question:
His words, his mannerisms, his character...
Every word was one he was intended for
Since giving it, and until the end.
She did not reply.
She did not find the words with which to reply.
Maybe she lost her ability to speak?
Maybe she lost her memory
In trying to retrieve the few letters with which to return the greeting?
She sensed that her heart had stopped beating
And she stood nailed to the spot...
From what?
She didn’t know
Was it the shock?
Not at all, for she expected this call and awaited it every second.
So then
Why the loss and turmoil?
Was it the first call from a treasured beloved?
In the first years of adolescence?
And why not?
The voice returned her to years past
That moment erased all the long long years
And she felt nothing but a pouring youth appearing suddenly inside her
Making her forget all her age, and returning her to the heyday of youth
With all it had of innocence
And shyness
And little experience
Of dreams and virgin love
From the opening up to the world
And a first love, no more wondrous.
Her silence held for a few seconds... which she felt was a lifetime
What a separation!
In one instant, she returned after hearing his voice... years
And in seconds... time advanced ages!
He did not hear her voice,
But rather felt her successive rapid breaths.
He realized that she wanted to hasten meeting to the same manner
So he repeated his question:

—May I meet you? Can you hear me?

And had his voice escaped her even a day?
She heard him
She heard him now just as she had always
With the morning breeze
With the chirping of the birds
And the cooing of the dove who whispered to its mate...
She heard his heart beats fluttering in passion
She remembers his hand shaking out of love
And remembered his eyes wide-eyed straying in ardent passion
She remembered all of that
But she hadn’t the strength to express it before him...
Even over the phone.

* The pleasure would be all mine
Just let me know when and where
And I will be ready.

And they met.
Each one stood facing the other
Silent
Astonished
Unable to utter a word.
Only the eyes met
Then lowered their gaze.
It was the innocence of childhood
And the purity of heart
And the sincerity of their inner thoughts.
They had not changed... and it could not be other than that.

Learn more: Buy the book

On a hill overlooking the sea, and surrounded by it
Cedar forest and evergreens spread in all directions
A building was erected in the middle of a garden
And it was as if it were a piece of paradise...
With its flowers and fruit trees
And a lake in which poured a cascade of sweet clear water.
On a bench in this beautiful garden
And on the rhythms of the birds’ songs at times
Or in the library room
They sat side by side
She read and re-read this story to him..
Until they memorized it by heart, because it sprung from the heart.
And in this stunning retirement home
Was their meeting until the end of a lifetime.