Dear Hadi,
My son is a junior in high school.
When he was younger, he attended Islamic school, and we did our best to help him understand that he has a distinct identity.
But he’s already talking about wanting, like his peers, to attend senior prom next year.
Should we let him go?
Dear Prom Prob,
This is a very common problem that so many Muslim families will face, so we’ll make our answer a bit longer than usual.
We know this issue causes a lot of distress and anxiety for many parents, so first, do not panic and rush into quoting the hadeeth of the Prophet (PBUH):
For one of you to be stabbed in the head with an iron needle is better for him than that he should touch a woman who is not permissible for him. Saheeh Al Jaame, Al Tabarani.
It is not that we disagree with the hadeeth (although there are some concerns about authenticity), but the main issue is that it is unlikely to be effective.
We are taking it as a given that we believe that prom activities, including having a date, slow dancing, etc., fall outside the scope of our Islamic ethos.
So what to do? What are some choices that come to mind?
1) Allow your son to go, but tell him not to do anything wrong because you don’t want to hurt your relationship with him by preventing him from doing what everyone else is doing. You also don’t want him to see Islam that way. We’ll talk about this in a little while.
2) Try to bribe him: “if you don’t go to prom, I will get you a car for graduation.”
This is not a good strategy. While it may alleviate this particular problem, it sends a very poor message.
Obedience to God needs to be based on conviction, and not a profit-loss calculation. Also, when he comes to you wanting to do another thing that everyone else is doing, like having a girlfriend and being intimate with her, you will not be able to bribe your way out of that, as there’s likely not enough money in the world to convince a young man not to have sex.
That conviction needs to come from a higher source.
We all want to be liked by our kids. However, we have two main objectives: to try to please God in how we act with them and to be effective parents.
Among the definitions of the verb “to parent” is to look after, take care of, raise, rear, and nurture. Making our kids happy is wonderful and laudable, but is circumscribed by these more basic objectives.
Therefore, our feeling is that, given these definitions of parenting and our responsibility before God to make decisions based on what is right (rather than what will make our kids happy), we advocate saying that prom is just not part of what we do, and not give permission to go.
However, this should not be done by fiat (yelling “my house, my rules,” then having a nosebleed). Rather, the idea would be something like the following: “I’m sorry, I cannot let you go, but I’m going to do my best to convince you that this is the right decision because I love you, so give me a few minutes and listen with an open mind.”
How do we convince our child that skipping prom is a reasonable decision when everyone else is going, a fact that your child will certainly bring up.
How do we argue against that?
We suggest a two-pronged approach.
First, debunk myths and false assumptions. If the fact “that everyone else gets to go” did not raise a red flag for you when we mentioned it, it should have, because it is not a fact at all – it is “fake news.”
You should let your son know that, according to the latest YouGov research (YouGov is a global public opinion and data company), most Americans (53%) didn’t actually attend the prom. Of those who did, only half (51%) chose a date.
Therefore, only 24% of Americans had the stereotypical prom experience of going and taking a date.
Given this data, it is quite reasonable for Muslims to be among those who do not go to prom, or if they go, going without a date is a very reasonable compromise. Letting your son know that he is actually in the majority rather than the minority would be very helpful – it will go a long way towards alleviating the feeling that you and Islam are depriving him.
Also, further data from YouGov says that most Americans (59%) think that proms are overrated. This objective data should then make your son more receptive to the second prong, i.e., the Islamic angle. Stress that we have a different code of behavior.
We cannot be influenced by those who do not have that code and seek different ends – be they friends, peers, or a faceless “cultural norm.”
This involves holding oneself patiently against the various allurements of the world, but we do this for a higher purpose. It is important to let your son know that this is not easy. That is why the Quran explicitly states that we need patience and perseverance to live at a higher standard (Al Kahf 18:28):
وَٱصْبِرْ نَفْسَكَ مَعَ ٱلَّذِينَ يَدْعُونَ رَبَّهُم بِٱلْغَدَوٰةِ وَٱلْعَشِىِّ يُرِيدُونَ وَجْهَهُۥ وَلَا
تَعْدُ عَيْنَاكَ عَنْهُمْ تُرِيدُ زِينَةَ ٱلْحَيَوٰةِ ٱلدُّنْيَا وَلَا تُطِعْ مَنْ أَغْفَلْنَا قَلْبَهُۥ عَن ذِكْرِنَا وَٱتَّبَعَ هَوَىٰهُ وَكَانَ أَمْرُهُۥ فُرُطًا
And contain thyself in patience by the side of all who at morn and at evening invoke their Sustainer, seeking His countenance, and let not thine eyes pass beyond them in quest of the beauties of this world's life; and pay no heed to any whose heart We have rendered heedless of all remembrance of Us because he had always followed [only] his own desires, abandoning all that is good and true. (Asad)
One final thought – since you have a little time here, perhaps you can join other Muslim families in your area with similarly aged kids and plan a fun alternative event (escape room experience, bonfire at the beach, a day at an amusement park, rent out a theater for a movie screening) so they don’t feel like they’re in it alone, and realize that they are part of a group of like-minded peers and families.
In peace.