Can I attend a gay wedding?

Dear Hadi,

Dear Reader,

Thank you very much for your question. You have raised a very important issue that not only Muslims are grappling with, but all communities of faith.  See for example, this article addressing the issue from a Christian perspective:  The Case against Christians attending a Gay Wedding

The question you raised was recently asked on another Muslim website, and the answer was basically along the lines of “Homosexuality is a heinous sin and you are not allowed to attend this wedding.”

However, while ultimately, we believe it is best not to attend such a wedding, we do think the question deserves a more nuanced answer, rather than a simple dogmatic reply. As Muslims living in the West, with social and work relationships with non-Muslims, we often find ourselves in situations that require a more thoughtful approach. For example, if you had a Hindu colleague who invited you to a funeral for a loved one, would you not attend because they are considered “mushrik” and certain prayers may be said at the funeral that go against Islam?

Back to your question, a prime consideration is precisely what you have raised, and what was stated on the Muslim website we referred to above. By attending the wedding, there certainly would be a component of accepting and endorsing a behavior which Islam and Muslims cannot condone.  However, the other facet is that we, as Muslims, can and do maintain relationships and friendships with people of other faiths, as well as people who don’t ascribe to any religious faith. So, the question becomes what are the limits on those friendships and relationships?

We believe that there is Quranic guidance on this matter. For example, Prophet Ibrahim (pbuh) kept up a relationship with his father up until the point where it became clear to him that his father was not only an unbeliever, but an enemy of God: “As for the prayer of Ibrahim for the forgiveness of his father, it was only due to a promise he had made to him. Later, when it became clear to him that he was an enemy of God, he withdrew himself from him. Indeed, Ibrahim was very tender-hearted, very forbearing” (9:14).  We believe, essentially, that this is the upper limit (once someone becomes an enemy of God) that Islam sets on socialization and cordial relationships.

In the Muslim website we mentioned above, this also seems to be a tacit assumption in the respondent’s answer that a Muslim would not be allowed to attend a gay wedding, because “by marrying so, those people are waging an open war against Allah Almighty.” However, we do not agree with this point of view. By that logic, anyone who commits a major sin, or anyone who openly says they do not believe in God would be judged as declaring war on God. Clearly, this is not the Quranic guidance regarding unbelievers or sinners. Declaring war on God is just that: actively engaging in efforts to disparage God and harm those who believe. With that logic, where do we draw the line? Will we socialize with non-Muslims? Will we socialize with Muslims who do not say their prayers?

To make it clear that the Quran has a different line, we turn to Sura Al-Mumtahina that says: “And He does not forbid you to deal kindly and justly with anyone who does not fight you because of your religion and does not drive you out of your homes. God loves the just” (60:8).

Additionally, when the Quran is talking to the believers, it tells them that they can sit with the unbelievers, but if they begin mocking the verses of God, then we cannot participate with them, or continue to be in their company, but we can return to that company when they stop doing that and begin talking about something else (see Quran 4:140).

We believe these are the Quranic guidelines that define what is and isn’t allowed with regard to social relationships. We cannot be in the company of those who will be actively indulging in disparaging God, and faith. We are, however, allowed to have a relationship with them, and to be in their company when they are not doing that. We share these verses in an effort to say that there is no prohibition in having friendships with non-Muslims.

Let’s get back to the question of attending the wedding. Your question very eloquently presented the dilemma: I don’t want to damage my friendship, but I also don’t want to compromise my values. Although there are mitigating considerations in Islam allowing relationships and friendships with those who do not share our values, we ultimately feel that the consideration which you raised – that attending the wedding is a form of endorsement – is probably the stronger consideration. Thus, we suggest the following:

If you feel able to do so, we would suggest that you have a heart-to-heart conversation with your friend. You can let him know how much you value his friendship and even elaborate on why you value it (perhaps he is very kind, charitable, fun etc..) but explain to him that as much as you value his friendship, your own faith limits your ability to attend his wedding. He may, of course, be offended by this and it may impact your continued friendship with him, but we genuinely believe that ultimately this is the choice that you will bring you the most peace.

If you feel unable to do this, but still don’t want to attend, you can always make a plan to be unavailable for the wedding. For example, you can plan to be out of town so that you can decline the invitation without having to openly discuss the issue with your friend. We know that there will be some readers who will say this is a cowardly approach but again our goal is to genuinely understand the difficulties of these situations without being harshly judgmental and dogmatic. By doing this, you avoid having this difficult conversation with your friend, but you also have attempted to act in accordance with what you believe will please God. We are reminded of this hadith of the Prophet (pbuh): “Whoever seeks the pleasure of Allah by the displeasure of people, Allah will suffice him against the people. Whoever seeks the pleasure of people by the displeasure of Allah, Allah will leave him to the patronage of the people.”

Sometimes, out of embarrassment, we find ourselves unable to act in accordance with our values. While we would like for none of us to ever feel that way, we know that’s not how most human beings are. If you find yourself simply unable to decline the invitation, then take some solace in the mitigating considerations we mentioned above, as well as in the Prophet’s (pbuh) hadith “He who sees something wrong should modify it with his hand, and if he does not have enough strength to do that, then he should do it with his tongue, and if he does not have the strength to do that, then he should abhor it from his heart, and that is the least of faith.” Although, according to this hadith, disliking the situation with your heart may be the “least of faith,” it is still faith, and God’s mercy is wide.

We hope that some of what we have laid out here will resonate and bring comfort to you as you make this decision. We would venture to say that many Muslims living in the West face similar dilemmas. Given that this is an anonymous platform for readers’ questions, if you are comfortable updating readers with how you chose to handle the situation, we think it may be helpful to others. If you are inclined to do so, you can submit another question with an update or go to the IslamiCity forums and provide an update there.

May God guide you and bless you for the thoughtful care you are taking to handle this situation.

In peace.