Dear Hadi,
Dear Reader,
Thank you for your question. We’ll do our best to provide you our perspective on this question, both in terms of the traditional teachings of Islam, as well as some additional thoughts regarding whether there may be some flexibility in the traditional viewpoints.
If the question you posed is limited to financial responsibilities (i.e. your wife does not believe she bears any responsibility for financially providing for the household), we believe that all traditional schools of thought would most likely agree with your wife on this issue, namely that it is the husband’s obligation to provide for his wife’s maintenance according to his means. There is some variation in what is included in the notion of maintenance, but at a minimum, it generally includes housing, food, clothing, and medical attention. For general reference, you can refer to John Esposito’s book, Women in Muslim Family Law, or Jamal Nasir’s book, The Status of Women under Islamic Law.
This traditional view is based on both Quranic support and hadith. The Quran in surat al-Nisa’ (4:34) states that: Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means …
This verse clearly indicates that men have been given the role of "qawwam" (maintainers and protectors) over women, which includes the responsibility of financial support. The term "qawwam" also conveys the idea of leadership and guardianship, which is linked to the provision and maintenance of the family. The responsibility is not just a matter of material support but is tied to the idea of ensuring the welfare, safety, and dignity of the wife and children.
Moreover, in surat al-Baqarah (2:233), the Quran reiterates that it is the duty of the father (husband) to provide for the family:
Let the mother nurse their children for two whole years. But if they decide to wean, then there is no blame upon them, and let the father of the child provide for them and clothe them according to what is acceptable. No soul shall be burdened beyond what it can bear.
In this verse, the Quran emphasizes that the father is responsible for the sustenance and clothing of the mother and child during the period of nursing.
Additionally, during Prophet Muhammad’s (pbuh) last sermon, he stated, “O People, it is true that you have certain rights with regard to your women, but they also have right over you. If they abide by your right, then to them belongs the right to be fed and clothed in kindness. Do treat your women well and be kind to them for they are your partners and committed helpers …”
Moreover, the responsibility of the husband extends beyond just basic material support. Islam emphasizes the dignity and well-being of the wife, and men are encouraged to provide for their wives in a manner that reflects kindness, respect, and generosity. A husband is expected to maintain his wife with due consideration, ensuring that she is not subjected to hardship.
The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) provided exemplary guidance on this matter through his own actions and words. In a hadith, he is reported to have said:
"It is enough sin for a man to neglect those whom he is responsible for." (Sunan Abu Dawood)
This hadith underscores the seriousness of a husband's duty towards his wife and family. Neglecting to provide for them is seen as a significant failure in fulfilling his role as a caretaker. The responsibility for financial maintenance is not simply an optional or discretionary task, but a fundamental aspect of the husband’s role within the family structure.
Another Hadith from the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) further elaborates on the nature of this responsibility. He said: "The best of you are those who are the best to their women." (Sunan Ibn Majah)
This hadith highlights that the financial support provided by a husband is not merely a transactional obligation but also an expression of his character and moral standing. A husband’s financial provision should be characterized by generosity and compassion, ensuring that his wife is treated with kindness, fairness, and respect.
We do not know if you and your wife are having a good-natured academic debate for fun, or if you are seriously facing an issue in your marriage regarding spousal responsibilities. If the latter, although the weight of traditional views favors your wife’s point of view, it is important to understand that a successful marriage needs much more than a set of rules about rights and obligations. Such a marriage, where each partner holds each other strictly accountable to the rules can become contentious very quickly. For example, these same traditional views hold that in return for the husband providing maintenance for his wife, the wife is expected to be faithful, available to her husband for marital relations, and obedient (remember traditional Western wedding vows where the wife promised to “love, cherish, and obey, till death do us part”).
So, although technically, we believe your wife is mostly correct with regard to the limited question asked about basic financial responsibilities, we don’t believe that this division of obligations is necessarily the most conducive to the type of tranquil relationship the Quran anticipates when it says, “they are your garments and you are their garments” (2:187). In explaining this verse, commentators often emphasize the mutual responsibility and intimacy within a marriage, and highlight the notion that spouses should be a source of comfort and support for each other.
Lastly, we want to explore the notion that traditional rules may be open to change and reconsideration based on changing circumstances (a “heretical” notion to some, we are aware). That is because the rules are meant to uphold principles (such as justice and harmony in a marriage), and if circumstances change such that a particular rule hinders rather than helps in realizing those principles, it may be open to reconsideration. There are clear examples of this in Islamic history. For instance, in Islamic law, Muslim men are permitted to marry women from the "People of the Book" (i.e., Jewish or Christian women), as stated in surat al-Ma'idah (5:5). However, during his reign as Caliph, Umar ibn-al-Khattab restricted these marriages when they ran counter to the interests of the Muslim community. Similarly, he made changes to the rules of zakat, such as levying zakat on horses, although this was not done by the Prophet (pbuh), when Umar felt that this would be overall more economically just. Moreover, although the Qur'an lists "those whose hearts are to be reconciled" (mu'allafah qulubuhum) as one of the eligible categories for zakat, Umar suspended this practice, arguing that Islam had grown strong and no longer required financial incentives to strengthen ties with new or would-be converts.
Therefore, if social circumstances have changed, such that a two-income household has now become the norm, and what is needed for most households to adequately provide for their children, we feel that it would be “more Islamic,” to have a division of responsibilities that is different than the traditional view – e.g., your wife can chip in economically, and conversely, you can help with household chores and child-rearing.
We think it is very important that couples engage in respectful discussions of how various marital and household responsibilities will be shared. Doing this ensures mutual engagement, and results in shared decision making that increases the satisfaction of both husband and wife. Sometimes, couples discuss these things prior to getting married, and even include the agreed-upon expectations into their marriage contracts. While we see the upside to being that clear about things, sometimes this misses the mark with regard to the natural evolution that happens in a relationship over the years, as both husband and wife grow together and share more life experiences.
In peace.