Dear Hadi,
My family and I were recently invited to a barbecue lunch at the house of some Muslim friends we recently met. Many others were there.
Soon after we arrived, we realized they were serving alcohol.
This was very unexpected and made us very uncomfortable.
I wanted to leave immediately, but my husband thought that would be rude.
We cut the visit short, made an excuse about getting called to work, and left.
I’m unsure what to do now – should I have said something directly to the hostess? Should I do that now?
Should I continue this friendship?
Dear Feeling conflicted,
There are a couple of different approaches to this situation.
One is doing just what you did – finding a way to remove yourself from an uncomfortable situation without directly addressing the issue with your new friend.
I think it would also have been okay if you had explained your discomfort and why you decided to leave to the hostess.
But this would have to be done delicately and graciously – after all, you were a guest in their home, and while you may have strong reservations about what they were doing, you should not come across as trying to chastise or berate them.
Not only would that be rude to your hosts, but it would most likely be counter-productive if any part of you was also trying to encourage them to reconsider their choices.
You said you were there with your family – I assume you meant your children, but you didn’t mention how old they were.
If you were there with your children and they are of an impressionable age, I would definitely take the time to explain to them why you left the party early and take the opportunity to let them participate in the discussion with their thoughts on how it could have been handled.
Regarding the issue of whether you should continue the friendship, that really comes down to what your goals are for that relationship.
If your goal is to continue the friendship in the hopes of eventually helping these friends make different choices, that may be ok.
Apart from that, however, I don’t really see a need for you to put yourself and your family in this situation, especially if you have impressionable children.
Our friends influence us tremendously, often in ways we don’t even recognize.
In a hadith narrated by Abu Hurairah, the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said, “A man follows the religion of his friend, so be careful who you take for friends.”
Because of the level of influence our friends have over us, choosing friends who share and support our values is critically important.
This doesn’t mean that we won’t occasionally meet or socialize with acquaintances who hold values different from our own, but that’s a different level than friendship.
Overall, do not be dismayed.
Instead, look at this situation as a blessing in disguise since it opens the door for you to have a much-needed discussion with your children, as they will likely encounter this situation again with their Muslim friends.
It may come as a sad and sobering statistic, but academic data shows that among U.S. college students, over 46% of Muslims consumed alcohol, with all of them reporting at least one episode of binge drinking in the last year (reference link: Substance Use among Muslims Residing in the United States: A Literature Review (heraldopenaccess.us) (Alternate Link).
While this number is much better than the 80% rate among non-Muslim students, it is still high enough that both you and your kids need to be aware that simply having “Muslim” friends is not enough to protect them from exposure to this issue.
In peace.