Dear Hadi,
I want to share a little about my marriage and could also use some advice.
Our marriage has been less than a year long. In this little time, I studied him and thought I had found my person.
I left my full-time job to dedicate my life to my little family; it was just me and him. And I have no regrets when it comes to this. In this little time, I learned so many things about him.
He liked apples more than oranges, so I only bought apples. He liked spicy food, so I ensured I never ran out of chili powder. He sometimes fell, so I wrote some cheesy notes here and there. He liked that perfume on me, so I never wore any other.
Little things no one cared about, but I paid attention to.
His struggles became the reason I stayed awake at night, his worries and fears also became mine, his anger became my nightmare, and his sadness became what shattered me.
I will not say that I was the perfect wife because I wasn't.
Many times, I made him angry, and many times, I lost my patience. Many times, I wasn't kind, and many, many times, I needed to do things right. Sometimes, it felt like I didn't know how to be a good wife.
But I know one thing: he was dear to my heart, and my love for him was sincere.
He was the person I made dua for during the last third of the night, between the adhan and iqama, the last hour of asr on Fridays, and during my longest prostration in the house of Allah; I asked Allah for his provisions, and protection, good akhlaq, and for me to be the wife that he's pleased with.
My husband informed me that he is marrying a second wife. It broke me, but I stayed quiet as I didn't want to take away his rights. I don't know what to do, but I'm thinking of divorce now.
Dear First Wife,
Thank you very much for your question. We are so sorry to hear of your situation.
Firstly, may God bless you for your devotion.
Secondly, please don’t be so hard on yourself regarding anything you think is less than being a “perfect wife.”
There is no perfect husband or wife.
The best any of us can hope and pray for is that each spouse does their best to honor, cherish, and please the other.
There will always be shortcomings on both sides.
In the USA, polygamy is outlawed in all 50 states. Under this law, the second "wife" has no share in her "husband's" property, and their children would be classified as illegitimate! So, it is impossible for any man living in the USA to treat two or more wives equally as required, so forcefully, by the Quran.
Beyond the legality of the situation, you said you stayed quiet when he told you about this because you didn’t want to take away his Islamic rights.
Let us discuss this for a moment since polygamy is one of the most misunderstood aspects of Islam.
The prevalent opinion among Muslims is that a man may marry more than one wife (up to four), which is based on the third verse of Surat al-Nisa (4:3).
However, the Quran gives only a conditional allowance for polygamy. The goal was to restrict the unregulated polygamy that was present before Islam.
This permission was not intended to establish Polygamy as a special privilege for Muslim men.
The restriction is further circumscribed by the condition of "treating the wives equally," which cannot be ignored:
“but if you have reason to fear that you might not be able to treat them equally, then [only] one…”
Significant classical scholarly opinions state that although polygamy may be allowed, it is strongly recommended that men refrain from this practice and confine themselves to one wife, even if they can treat the wives equally.
Among these scholars are luminaries, such as Imam Al-Mawaardi from the Shaafi school, Imam Ibn Qudaamah from the Hanbali school, Imam Al-Ghazali, and Imam Al-Shaafi himself.
For more details on these opinions, you can see the following IslamiCity forum: Is Polygamy a Sunnah?
What might support such opinions?
Well, for example, the Quran states in Surat al-Rum (30:21),
"And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect." (Yusuf Ali)
Indeed, a man deciding to take a second wife is likely to impair the ability to "dwell in tranquility" with his first wife, which is a primary goal of the marital relationship.
In our times, Sheik Ahmed El-Tayeb, the Grand Imam of Al Azhar in Egypt, issued an opinion in March of 2019 that polygamy has been misunderstood and has been used in a way that is unfair to women.
Therefore, the matter is not as simple as that if you express your opinion against polygamy then you are somehow curtailing his rights.
Even if he has the right from a religious perspective to take a second wife, please know that you also have a religious right not to accept that situation.
While separation (divorce or khul’) is not anyone’s first choice and is certainly not encouraged in Islam, it is nonetheless a right that you have that you can choose to exercise.
You may be aware of the story of the woman (the wife of the companion Thabit bin Qais) who approached the Prophet (PBUH) and told him that, although she could not say anything negative about her husband’s character, she did not feel affection towards him and could not see herself continuing to live with him.
The Prophet (pbuh) directed her to return the dowry her husband had given her and directed the husband to proceed with the divorce (Al Bukhari hadith 5273).
We understand divorce is a difficult decision to make, and only you can decide for yourself if this is something you want to do.
But it is essential to know that just as your husband has rights, so do you.
We also encourage you not to stay silent in this situation but to honestly discuss your feelings and thoughts on what he has decided to do with your husband.
We pray that God will comfort your heart as you consider your options.
In peace