Dear Hadi,
Salam,
I hope this message finds you well. I'm seeking advice on some financial challenges I'm facing post-marriage. I am a 28-year-old Bangladeshi woman with a newborn working full time.
Alhamdulillah, my husband works from home, and we are doing well financially.
My in-laws are supporting us by taking care of the baby while I'm at work.
The issue lies in my parents' financial struggles.
Unfortunately, they are not doing well financially and occasionally ask me for loans due to their debt problems.
I grew up witnessing my parents' financial hardships, and it made me responsible with money. My husband, however, is unaware of this situation, as I've been hesitant to share it with him.
Currently, I'm covering my family's phone and internet bills, totaling about $300 monthly. Additionally, I'm responsible for TV subscriptions like Netflix, Prime, Hulu, etc.
My parents have been asking for increasing amounts of money, starting with a few hundred dollars and escalating to $1500, $2000, and now another $1500.
They assure me they'll repay the money in a week or two, but unfortunately, that hasn't been the case. Their latest promise is to return the money once they receive their tax refund.
My mom has even guilt-tripped me by stating that she raised me and that I should help them out.
Meanwhile, my husband, who sees me working and stressing over my job, encourages me to quit and relax, suggesting I become a stay-at-home mom.
I would love to embrace the role of a stay-at-home mom and spend more time with my baby.
However, I fear that my parents' financial situation might negatively impact our marriage. I'm concerned that it might reach a point where they have to ask my husband for money.
My main question is whether I should continue helping my parents, and if so, how do I establish boundaries?
I would appreciate any advice or insights you may have on this matter.
Dear Financial Aid,
Thank you for your question.
We’re sorry to hear about the situation you’re finding yourself in – it involves a few different layers that we’ll try to address.
God bless you for helping your parents during their financial difficulties.
We know Islam’s injunction of displaying goodness to our parents and what you are doing to help them is one aspect of this obligation.
While we never encourage parental “guilt trips,” your mom is not wrong – she did raise you, and you should try to be good to her.
But now, let’s talk about what that means.
With regard to financially assisting your parents, we would suggest that you clearly understand your personal budget and finances – doing this can help you identify a dollar amount that you can comfortably offer your parents regularly (e.g., monthly) to help with their financial struggles.
This may help curb the “on and off” requests for unexpectedly larger amounts. If you can do this, we encourage you to discuss how to help your parents openly.
This can help set some boundaries and help them manage expectations.
Additionally, if part of the problem is that your parents have poor money management skills, perhaps trying to address this underlying issue would also help (e.g., assist them in making a budget, help them to shop more efficiently, and streamline expenses).
With regard to your husband and marriage, we don’t know what your household financial arrangements are – for example, do you and your husband jointly pool your incomes and expenses; or do you keep money matters very separated?
Certainly, if your money is jointly pooled, we recommend you talk with your husband about what has been happening with your parents.
And even if your money is handled separately, it may be a good idea to let your husband know what’s going on, especially if he suggests you stop working because he sees you very stressed.
Trying to insulate him from what’s going on seems to be causing you added stress, and if he eventually learns what’s been going on, he may be understandably bothered that you kept it from him.
This may, in turn, make him less supportive of you helping your parents, even with reasonable amounts that you can afford.
Marriage is about working as a team and facing life’s challenges together.
We suggest that you talk with your husband, letting him know that there is a situation and that you are sharing it with him because you trust him to work with you on it as your partner and friend.
Perhaps working together, the two of you can find a solution that balances helping your parents and preserving some boundaries and the health of your marriage.
In peace.