Dear Hadi,
I converted to Islam a few years ago and entered into a marriage with a Muslim man. My husband insisted on keeping our marriage a secret from his family, fearing their disapproval.
We made a contract among ourselves; I didn’t have a guardian (wali), but we did have two non-Muslim witnesses who pledged to keep it a secret.
I do not live with my husband, who gives various excuses for our continued separation and keeping the marriage a secret. On top of this, I told my family about our marriage and my conversion to Islam. Since then, they do not want anything to do with me.
Now, I have many doubts in my mind about whether our marriage is valid, considering I did not have a wali and the role of our witnesses sworn to secrecy.
My husband says that ignorance of the rules does not impact the marriage's validity.
This hidden marriage is very stressful, and I feel very alone.
Can you please tell me whether our original marriage is valid given these conditions? I still want to make our relationship work.
Dear Secretly Married,
Thank you for reaching out about this difficult situation in which you find yourself.
Unfortunately, the issue of “secret marriages” is not as uncommon as we would hope.
With regard to the validity of your marriage, in Islam, most scholars believe that for a marriage to be valid, there should be witnesses, an agreed upon mahr (dowry), and consent from the bride-to-be’s wali (guardian) – noting that the Hanafi school of thought does not necessarily require consent from the wali for the validity of the marriage.
We believe the purpose of the witnesses is so that the marriage is “announced” or made public, but your witnesses were sworn to secrecy.
As a technical point, we note that most of the opinions we are familiar with stipulate that the witnesses should be Muslim, although this is not universal.
For example, Sheikh Kifah Mustapha, who is the representative of the Lebanon Dar El-Fatwa in the U.S., states:
“Yes, you can get married and have two non-Muslims as witnesses to the marriage with the condition that there are no Muslim witnesses available at all to witness the marriage contract. Please keep in mind that [the] marriage ceremony is a contract that can be delayed until you find Muslim witnesses. A person should try to meet all conditions of a valid marriage, including an agreement for marriage from both spouses, agreement of [the] bride’s guardian, the presence of two witnesses, the dowry amount, and making the ceremony known to people.”
Please note that the allowance he gives is that no Muslims are available at all to be witnesses.
Also, please note his last condition for the validity of the marriage, “making the ceremony known to people.”
We wonder whether non-Muslim witnesses were specifically chosen since they might agree to keep your marriage a secret.
Unfortunately, we have serious concerns about the validity of your marriage.
This is not just our opinion. Many Muslim scholars do not believe these “secret marriages” are valid.
This is certainly in keeping with the Quranic mandate regarding the nature of the marital relationship, as expressed in Sura al-Ma’idah, Quran 5:5:
And [lawful to you are], in wedlock, women from among those who believe [in this divine writ], and, in wedlock, women from among those who have been vouchsafed revelation before your time - provided that you give them their dowers, taking them in honest wedlock, not in fornication, nor as secret love-companions.
We would like to stress the last phrase of the quoted portion of the verse: “nor as secret love companions.”
It seems that this may be the situation you have been put in.
A secret marriage, in our view, is entirely against the Islamic ethos, where the marital relationship is the bedrock and foundation of society.
This means a recognition by society at large that you are married.
This is for your protection and your honor. With the current arrangement, what happens down the road?
In our opinion, a secret marriage makes no more sense than a secret child.
Below is an excerpt from an article by Shaikh Mohammad Akram Nadwi with his opinion on this, which we entirely support:
“Secret marriage is one of several kinds of violation by men of the rights and dignity of women. I have been informed that it is increasingly common for Muslim preachers in Europe and America and for those visiting the West to marry women in secret and for a short period, after which they, presumably, end the marriage before going on to contract another marriage of the same sort somewhere else. This is a violation of the laws and good purposes of marriage and a vicious exploitation of women whose circumstances oblige them to enter into such contracts.” On Secret Marriages
Additionally, we are very concerned that your husband has come up with “various excuses” for the two of you not living together and for insisting on keeping this marriage from his family because he thinks they will disapprove.
We don’t know the whole story, and while we don’t want to judge him too harshly, lest we be judged too harshly, we do not believe that this has been handled per the teachings of Islam, and God knows best.
Marriage is intended to be a noble and pious agreement and relationship between husband and wife that brings peace and tranquility to the family.
This clearly is not happening in your situation.
Marriage also comes with certain rights and responsibilities.
Based on what you’ve described, we’re guessing your marriage was not legally registered in the state or country in which you live.
If that is the case, then you have placed yourself in a situation where you believe you are married but may have no legal rights, such as alimony or inheritance.
To the best of our knowledge, reputable Islamic Centers and organizations require a legal (secular) marriage license before performing an Islamic ceremony for just this reason.
For example, on the ISNA Canada website, under requirements for marriage, you find:
“Please be sure to acquire the Marriage License from the city hall of the municipality you reside in. You will also receive a Marriage Certificate.”
The organization Muslim Wedding Service likewise states:
“If you would like Muslim Wedding Service to perform your nikah, we do require couples to obtain a marriage license before or at the time of their nikah. This serves to ensure that your marriage is not only Islamically valid but also legal in the eyes of the law.”
If this did not happen in your situation, we again have serious concerns about the validity of your marriage and the spirit in which it was entered, specifically on your husband’s part.
You mention that you still want to make your relationship with him work.
If that is what you truly want, we encourage you to have a clear discussion and set some expectations for moving forward, including no longer maintaining the relationship's secrecy and ensuring that the marriage is affirmed and recognized both legally and by your local masjid.
We pray that you will find a way forward that makes you comfortable.
In peace.