Dear Hadi,
My wife follows the Jamat Ahlay Sunnah. I gave her the Haq Mahar in the first year of marriage. About four months into the marriage, in a moment of anger, I told her talaq. Two days later, we reconciled, and I performed ruju. After a while, Allah blessed us with a baby boy, now two years old. One day, after a heated argument, I pronounced the talaq again. I also informed her brother, making him a witness that I had done so. Upon returning home from work, I discovered she had left with her brother.
Deciding to let things settle, I refrained from contacting her. After some days, her brother came by and collected her belongings. After a month and a half of trying to contact her in vain, I went over to her brother's home and discovered she was in iddat. She said she consulted with an imam who claimed I had divorced her twice. Although I clearly told her brother that the second talaq was on a different day, she insists it was pronounced twice.
I regret I was angry and, on two occasions, told her Talaq. I want to reconcile with her, and she is willing to do the same but says, Islamically, the divorce cannot be reversed. She wants me to get a fatwa from a mufti before returning.
I am very distressed and don’t know any mufti who will give a fatwa. What steps can I take?
Dear Am I Divorced?,
We’re sorry for the situation you have created for yourself, your wife, and your child. Regardless of what happens with your marriage, we strongly encourage you to find a way to better manage your anger. Allowing yourself to get angry to the point of these regrettable actions is not something you should accept of yourself. It is our personal opinion, and God knows best, that given the elevated state of marriage as a sacred relationship that should be treated with the utmost integrity, compassion, and respect, that verbal divorce should not be a valid way for a marriage to end.
Regarding the logistics of your marital state from a secular perspective, if you are in a country or region such as Canada, the United States, or Europe, where your marriage may have been formally registered, then your pronouncement of divorce is likely of little legal consequence.
From a solely Islamic jurisprudence perspective, there are varying opinions on verbal divorce (talaq), and to that end, it would be important to have a clear understanding of whether you actually verbally divorced your wife once, twice, or thrice and whether this occurred on the same occasion or separately. According to many opinions, if the 2nd and 3rd pronouncements were done at the same time, it would count as one divorce so that you could reconcile. However, according to other opinions, the 2nd and 3rd utterances would count as separate declarations, leading to the view that divorce is now irrevocable and that it can only be overcome if and when she marries another and that subsequent marriage is later dissolved.
The article linked here (Three or One Talaq) provides some analysis of this issue and notes the difference of opinion among the Ahl al Hadith scholars.
As a side note, you mentioned having given your wife her mahr – please keep in mind that since you initiated the divorce, she is entitled to retain her mahr and you should make no attempt to deprive her of any portion of it.
Since you both seem to be in agreement that you verbally divorced her at least twice, perhaps you can concur on that and proceed with a reconciliation. However, as noted above, we strongly encourage you to find a way to not engage in behavior that diminishes the sacred bond of marriage. During his later years of rule, Caliph Umar is said to have enforced the “triple talaq” (three utterances in a single setting) as he was upset that men had made talaq a joke by verbally divorcing their wives several times but then repeatedly taking them back. He thought this was inappropriate as it left women in a disadvantageous position, unable to actually be free of the marriage, so he believed holding men to the triple talaq would be an important way to have men take their responsibility more seriously.
As we have always stated, our role here is not to give fatwas, but rather to give advice. Before Caliph Umar enforced the idea of “triple talaq” counting as an actual divorce, there is strong evidence from hadith that during the lifetime of the Prophet (pbuh), during the caliphate of Abu Bakr and for the first part of the caliphate of Umar, when a man pronounced talaq (divorce) three times at once, this was treated as only one talaq:
Abu Sahba' said told Ibn 'Abbas (Allah be pleased with them): Do you know that three (divorces) were treated as one during the lifetime of Allah's Apostle (may peace be upon him), and that of Abu Bakr, and during three (years) of the caliphate of Umar (Allah be pleased with him)? Ibn Abbas (Allah be pleased with them) said: Yes. (Sahih Muslim link)
The explanation that goes with this hadith is as follows: “This hadith is about the practice of divorce during the time of Prophet Muhammad, his companion Abu Bakr and the second Caliph Umar. During this period, three divorces were treated as one. This means that if a husband said "I divorce you" three times in succession then it would be counted as only one divorce instead of three. This was done to ensure that people did not take advantage of this situation by saying something they did not mean or regret later on.”
Therefore, here is our summary:
- Both you and your wife wish to reconcile.
- There is some disagreement about whether in the second disagreement you pronounced divorce once or twice.
- There is prophetic guidance which allows treating even three pronouncements of divorce pronounced in one fit of anger as only a single pronouncement.
Given these factors, and the fact that Islam prefers marriage to divorce, we believe (and God knows best) that you can take God’s mercy and consider that you are able to reconcile with each other one more time. Again, please know we are not providing a fatwa, but just giving you our opinion.
To further bolster this opinion, we note that divorce in Islam is not willy-nilly. You say in your first divorce you reconciled after two days. For a divorce to be “official,” the wife must be divorced during a period of purity, after her menses but before intercourse. This divorce must then be followed by a waiting period (‘idda) of 3 months, during which time the husband may reconcile with his wife (see the relevant portion of verse 228, in Sura al Baqara, Quran 2:228). This is to allow all opportunities for reconciliation and to not let things pronounced in anger ruin a marriage. It sounds like that definitely did not happen in your first “divorce.” Therefore, we wouldn’t consider that a divorce at all.
Our advice: Go back to each other, and have God-consciousness in your relationship. You can follow the advice of the Quran (4:35), and bring in members of your family to try to help adjudicate differences that arise:
“And if you have reason to fear that a breach might occur between a [married] couple, appoint an arbiter from among his people and an arbiter from among her people; if they both want to set things aright, God may bring about their reconciliation. Behold, God is indeed all-knowing, aware.”
Lastly, we again suggest that you find a better way to manage your anger, including the possibility of professional counseling.
We hope this helps and that God blesses you both.
In peace.