Dear Hadi

Dear Hadi,

My oldest adult daughter, 48 years old and married, has spent much of her life going against us. She has turned everything we do or don't do or say or don't say into her argument against us. She slanders us to many of her and our friends and has posted many untrue things about us on social media. She yells and rages at us and then denies it. She says that we abused her and has never given an example except her misinterpretation of our motives. She has a healing practice and her website says she grew up in an abusive family. She is brutal to us. She blames us for some difficult things and abuse that happened to her as a young adult that we had no control over. She says it is our fault. We cannot talk to her about these things because she goes into yelling, name calling and will not share in the conversation. She puts down and misunderstands even our best intentions and actions. Our younger daughter (also an adult and married) is very kind, and supportive in many ways to us. She also has much more financial needs than the older daughter. In regards to their inheritance from us, is there any way that we can leave more to the younger daughter, who is in greater financial need and who has been supportive of us and kind when the older daughter has caused so much harm to us?

Dear Inheritance Inquiry,

We’re so sorry to hear of the troubles in your relationship with your older daughter. We note that you said you cannot talk with your daughter about the relationship because she is unwilling to talk with you in a productive way. Might she be willing to go to family therapy along with you and your spouse? This can often be more productive than trying to “hash it out” on your own.

Please keep in mind that we do not give fatwas, but that we will do our best to answer your question about inheritance by way of advice.

The Quran of course has set out specific shares for distribution to one’s children. Generally speaking, it is important that these proportions be respected and followed, as these are the rights of the heirs that God has ordained. In particular, we believe that the shares should not be changed based on personal considerations, such as liking one child more than another or that one child is nicer than another. Although we have only heard one side of the story, from that side, it seems that your older daughter is doing you a grievous injustice. This, however, is a separate issue from inheritance.

That being said, let’s explore a few important related issues:

- If one’s child is not a Muslim, s/he can be excluded from inheritance. This is based on the Prophet’s (pbuh) hadith that “the Muslim does not inherit from the disbeliever nor the disbeliever from the Muslim.” Assuming your older daughter still identifies as a Muslim, this exclusion does not apply to her.

- You may be aware that in Islamic jurisprudence, people have the option to bequeath some of their assets (up to 1/3 of their total estate) to individuals, charities, or other organizations, at their discretion. However, you should be aware that all four of the major Sunni schools of thought say this discretionary 1/3 cannot be used to supplement the inheritance of an heir whose share is already prescribed (such as your younger daughter), based on Prophetic hadith. Shia jurisprudence, however, does not limit distribution of the discretionary 1/3 in this manner.

- Another method people use to distribute some of their wealth to particular individuals or organizations is to give it during their lifetime as a gift (hibah). In this regard, jurists generally agree that you are free to do this as you wish, and you can give your younger daughter whatever financial gifts you want. There are some considerations to keep in mind here, the main one being the Prophet’s hadith to “be just to your children.” This hadith revolved around an incident where a man came to the Prophet (pbuh) and told him that he had given a gift to his son. The Prophet inquired whether the man had given identical gifts to his other children. When the man replied that he had not, the Prophet asked him to then take the gift back, enjoining upon him equal treatment of his children in giving gifts. The question which the scholars grappled with in the face of this hadith was whether it was a hadith of “manners,” or a hadith of “law.” Meaning, was the Prophet (pbuh) giving advice that it is best to be equal with the children, or was he laying down a religious edict that it had to be so. Three of the four major schools of thought in Sunni jurisprudence interpreted it as a general guidance but not a legal stipulation. Therefore, according to them, preferential gifts are allowed, but not encouraged, and so you would be able to give your daughter a preferential gift. This may be quite justified given the nicer way she treats you, or even simply because you like her more. They rely in their opinion on the fact that major companions, like Abu Bakr and Umar (ra), are reported to have given preferential gifts to some of their children, taking that as proof that this is not haram.

The fourth major school, the Hanbali mathab, feels that this hadith is a legal ordinance, and invalidates preferential gifts absent certain valid reasons. However, your situation may constitute valid reasons. For example, among the Hanbali exceptions which would make such a gift valid is if it is done for a justified reason such as a child who is in greater financial need (as your younger daughter seems to be), or one with special medical needs. In one source reviewing the matter, the authors who analyzed the issue of differential treatment in gifts (Are Parents Free to Bestow their Wealth onto their children? A Juristic Discourse on Equality and Justice in Hibah) said that Ibn Taymiyya, a major Hanbali scholar, considered it “permissible to favour one child over the others if the favoured child is pious but poor and in greater need of material support for the cause of good, compared to his siblings who are richer but less pious who would only squander their gifts in unlawful ways.”

To give you very concrete advice (and God knows best), we would say that you can give your younger daughter more of your wealth than the older. Our specific recommendation would be that you do this through the instrument of hibah (a gift during your lifetime) if possible. Based on both issues of character and financial need, we do not see a problem with giving your younger daughter a preferential gift (and again, God knows best).

Lastly, we recognize that it may not be possible to simply give your younger daughter a large amount of money now, while you are alive. Therefore, we want to point out that various Islamic countries have come up with creative alternatives which do not violate the Quranic injunctions on the shares in the will, but do not require you to give a large gift up front. In the spirit of such alternatives, some people, for example, take out a life insurance policy on themselves and pay the premiums now, and name one of their children as the preferential beneficiary.

If after reading this, you decide that you can use your discretionary 1/3 to bequest to your younger daughter additional inheritance, or that you can gift her additional funds while you are living, or pursue another of the alternatives such as the life insurance policy, please keep in mind that this must not be done in a manner that is unjust e.g. giving away all of your wealth to your younger daughter in order to deprive your older daughter of her rightful inheritance out of anger. That being said, we believe that Islam’s aim is justice and not specifically equality. Often, the best way to ensure justice is through equality, but in your case, that may not be so.

May God bless you and guide you a decision that pleases Him and comforts your heart.

In peace.

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