Dear Hadi,
I find myself in a challenging situation that I am ashamed to discuss with my family, friends or someone at my local mosque. I hope you can give me some guidance.
I've been married for two years and currently live with my in-laws. My husband is a wonderful man and we both love each other.
Approximately a year into our marriage, my husband's father started making advances towards me. These advances include unwanted touches on my shoulders, arms, and back, creating a considerable level of discomfort. On one occasion, he touched my leg, and when I expressed my discomfort, he dismissed it as innocent affection. Recently, he went further, grabbing my arm and pulling me onto his lap, leaving me feeling deeply ashamed and disgusted.
I finally mustered the courage to share this with my husband when he found me crying after the most recent incident.
However, he seemed to downplay the issue, suggesting that his father was merely being playful, and I might be overreacting. I know as a son, to acknowledge his father's behavior must be difficult.
I've seen my father-in-law's inappropriate gaze towards other women, which confirms my concerns about his intentions.
I am at a loss on how to address this further with my husband.
I am desperate for advice.
Dear In-Law Troubles,
We’re so sorry that you’re in this situation. Your father-in-law’s behavior towards you is completely inappropriate and you should not have to tolerate it.
The Prophet (pbuh) specifically warned about issues with in-laws. When he was asked about whether a brother-in-law could be alone in a room with a woman, he answered, “The in-law is death.” With this expression, the Prophet was warning the believers not to let the familiarity of the in-law relationship lead them to where they should not go. Most scholars feel that this hadith does not apply to the husband’s father or sons, because they are a "mahram" to the wife (i.e., cannot be married to her), so they can be alone with her in some location. However, there are some dissenting opinions who feel that this hadith applies generally, and we incline to that opinion, and God knows best. In any case, the point of the hadith is that the familiarity of the in-law relationship can lead the unwitting into inadvertent errors, taking certain licenses that they should not. More devastatingly, it can provide a cover for the malicious to do what they should not, and then claim that they were just being friendly or affectionate, as you described.
We understand that your husband may have some trouble acknowledging his father’s behavior, but we think it’s important for you to talk with your husband about it again. You said your husband is a wonderful man and that you both love each other, so we’re hopeful that if you let him know that while you may understand his inclination to dismiss his father’s behavior or chalk it up to “playfulness,” it is not something you’re willing to put up with, and that the two of you, as a team, need to address it, just as you would if something were bothering him.
We would also suggest that you and your husband come up with concrete suggestions to dealing with this. Primary among these would be moving out and no longer living with your in-laws. This would certainly help minimize these interactions and could, in other ways, help your marriage thrive. Even if someone has wonderful in-laws, we think it’s important for couples, especially newly married couples to have an opportunity to live on their own and focus on forming their own familial identity. If you’re able to move out, we strongly recommend that.
If moving out is not an option, or even if it is, an additional course of action is for someone to directly address your father-in-law about his behavior. We think this would be best coming from your husband, or from the two of you together. During this conversation, you could even give him the benefit of the doubt and explain to him that although his intention may have been to show innocent affection, you are uncomfortable with such displays and let him know that he is no longer to interact with you in that manner. Be prepared that this may be met with defensiveness and that he may take a “fine, I’ll just not interact with you at all then” approach – that’s fine.
If your husband remains unable to come to terms with his father’s behavior, and will not assist you in talking to him, we would suggest enlisting the help of a local Imam, community elder or close family friend. We know that you mentioned that you are too embarrassed to go to friends or to your local mosque members. We would recommend that you kindly, but clearly let your husband know that if he is not willing to help you, that you will have no other option left but to seek outside help, and that this is something you would rather not do for a myriad of obvious reasons, including tarnishing your father-in-law’s reputation. However, it may well be that once your father-in-law realizes that the situation has become public, and that there is now oversight from the community, that will be the incentive he needs to control himself.
A near-last resort would be to consider letting your husband know that if he will not help you, that you will need to move out yourself. You love him and he loves you, and you could stay married, but you would live elsewhere.
These options are in a sort of graded severity level, but we believe one of them will insha’Allah hopefully bring a remedy to this terrible ordeal.
Finally, we don’t know what your relationship with your mother-in-law is. Is she aware of her husband’s behavior? Could she be of any help here?
We’re very glad that you spoke up for yourself with your father-in-law and that you shared with your husband what was going on. Please be firm and continue to do so. It’s inappropriate for your father-in-law to behave in this way with you, and you must insist that it not continue, because no matter how much you and your husband love each other, allowing this situation to continue will take a toll on you and your marriage.
In peace.