Looking for some guidance

Assalam alaykum,

I've lurked around for a little while, and I finally decided to register today and make a post. I know this is kind of a big thing for a first post, and I'm sorry. I just really need some help and I don't feel like I have anyone to turn to.

I have been Muslim for almost 5 years now, so I don't know if I still count as a "new" Muslim or not. I guess it's all relative. In any event, I still feel like a new Muslim. No, it's worse than that: I feel like I haven't made any progress, and actually I've regressed. I don't do all my prayers on time, and I've missed far too many. I've done many bad things since become Muslim that I just can't forgive myself for, even though I try hard not to despair of Allah's mercy. In the past I have made so many of the same mistakes over and over again. I am at the point where I think I'm past that, but honestly I'm afraid I'm not. I want to repent, but how can I trust that I'm sincere in my repentance when I've tried to change but failed so many times before?

I've met other women who have converted to Islam, and to be quite honest, I'm jealous of them. They make it seem so easy. If they're struggling, they don't show it. They put on hijab right away and don't have any problems, whereas I am still not even convinced it's the right thing to do. I think about it sometimes, but I'm afraid if I wear hijab it will be just because I want to convince myself I'm a better Muslim than I am and not because I believe in it. I feel like a hypocrite.

I think some of my problem comes from the fact that I've found it so hard to try to integrate myself into the Muslim community. I live in a big metropolitan area, and there's no shortage of other Muslims around. But I feel so out of place and� inadequate. Not to mention that I suffer from what has been in the past crippling social anxiety (at one point several years ago I remember I went days without eating because I was literally too afraid to leave my home), though alhamdulillah I have done a lot of work on that and it's a lot better now.

You might find it hard to believe after all that, but my faith in Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and the Qur'an and everything is strong, and it doesn't waver. When I am praying and I say the shahada, I feel so strong in my faith. But there is just such a gap between my faith, which I think is strong, and my expression of it, which is severely lacking.

It is Ramadan again, and I am really trying to make this the starting point for a "new me", so to speak. I want to change, I am desperate to change, I don't want to be like this. But I am really struggling. Other people say they feel peaceful and happy during Ramadan, but honestly I just feel more lonely.

Jazakallah khair if you've managed to read all this. Thanks in advance for any advice you have to give.

Wa'alaikum salaam Dear Sister!

I really don't have much to add after Hayfa's post... but I just thought I'd chip in and voice my support - because like Hayfa said so correctly, Sister you are not alone!!!

I think our Imaan (faith) is just like the economy, it keeps fluctuating! lol :p. It is not humanly possible to maintain a stable state of Imaan all our life, it keeps going up & down.... the hardest part I personally find is to maintain Imaan and keep practicing... its very easy to fall back into old habits.

You shouldn't be too hard on yourself, you are a new Muslim - and its no easy life change. We have to make a lot of sacrifices. Reverts like you are not the only new Muslims, some of us "birth" Muslims feel like "new" Muslims too, once we try to revert back to practicing Islam and touch base with Allah. If it can feel overwhelming to birth Muslims - you are still new to this!

I heard a lecture sometime back, and the scholar said that some of us get too zealous when we undergo an Islamic transformation (old & new alike) - we try to be perfect like the sahabah and implement 100 things in our life at once... while that is to be encouraged and is not a bad thing at all ... it is impractical .... in the beginning when everything seems new & interesting, it seems easy - plus our imaan is all fresh & warm. But once we pass that initial zealous phase - we sometimes undergo a "burn out"... and slowly start losing grasp until we fall back into old habits...

Sis I have also gone through similar battles, of trying to implement maintain & retain that Imaan. Not Imaan/Faith per se - but the implementation part of it... and it can be a struggle at times. So I can totally relate too. Everyone has a personal and different Jihad throughout their lives, for some of us - it is simple things like Salaat, reading Qur'an... for others it may be Hijab, or dealing with Boy/girl issues, some have bigger problems like alcohol or addiction etc. . . . all of us have to struggle with something. Nobody is a perfect Muslim. Life as a Muslim is all about struggling to get to the next best level in Islam! It never ends!

So... what you're going through is only human. The GOOD NEWS is that your Nafs (conscience) won't allow you to fall back into the old routine, and that is motivating you to do something. Alhamdulilah! This guilt trip is a blessing from Allah, because He is bringing you closer to Him. There is a hadith Sis, that we only need to walk towards Allah - and He comes running to us. So we just need to make a teeny bit of effort, and inshAllah He shall do the rest!

Btw, whenever I go through that phase, reading Qur'an with translation always helps. Alhamdulilah. Don't set an ominous target of a chapter etc, just randomly open the Qur'an and pretend Allah is talking to You. (Which He is). Read even 2 verses if you can.... most of the time you'll feel it's relevance to your current situation. Also, listening to good lectures helps... especially helpful to lazy/procrastinating Muslims like me...

It suddenly struck me that I started off by saying I don't have much to add!!! lol, so I better stop typing now. (Big hugs)
 




Edited by Chrysalis - 27 August 2010 at 7:26am

essala aleykoum sister somebody els

Edited by Nausheen - 06 September 2010 at 10:44pm