Shame of my previous live - to lie or not to lie?

dear sisters and brothers

it took me quite long time to contribute to this discussion. having read some of your posts, my shame is growing more and more inside myself.. you cannot imagine how happy and how thankful i am to ALLAH that he found me in my sinful environment and provided me with his love. Alhamdullillah!

i have a secret inside myself which is eating me from inside. comparing what i had done with most comments i have read here so far is just putting me more down. i wish my confession won't be very shocking for you, i ask you for leniency and patience. i ask you for a sensitive response..

to understand my situation, i need to tell something about my life at first. i am from central europe, from a country which is famously known for the highest percentage of non believers. my nuclear family is atheistic as well, and so i was raised as atheist. then also, as an atheist freeminded teenager, i did what other atheist freeminded teenagers do. sometimes i felt emptiness in my soul, i felt lost and aimless so i once started to be interested in religion. i found my way to islam in turkey. i saw not all muslims are terrorists etc what i REALLY used to think. well i was cool atheist and i thought i ate brains of the world, if u know what i mean. my dad taught me tht way. Meeting the culture made me break the ice berg of prejudice in my head, however, i only felt respect for other believers and muslims, i talked about islam often at school, i had a lot of project thanks to which i said shahada many times. However, it was my next boyfriend with whom i felt the gifts, the beauty and the overwhelmingness of ALLAH and became a Muslim.

And here comes the thing. My boyfriend, who i admire incredibly and whom i am so thankful for helping me find the true path with his loving mother, can�t get along with my past life. It took time since our friendship grew into love and even during that time i was doing things that girl should avoid. I was also telling about it to him, since we were just friends and i didn�t even feel like i am doing something so wrong or outrageous � i was so used to see that things all around me! And now it really makes me sick!

Well, to sum it up, our beginnings were very complicated, i thought he s not interested in me as a future partner, which got me proved after i confessed about my feelings for him. Finally i got chance for scholarship in his town but he had to go to military for half a year, during which he didn�t show much of interest in me neither (though he had a way). Lots of things broke my trust in our future and i fell into a hard sin. Furthermore, i did things like going for trips with other foreign students who were boys etc which is something unacceptable for my bf and for which we are constantly at fight. At first i always wanted to be honest to him, but after i talked about some stories from the times he was at army, i understood that some things are just too hard for him to digest. And so i started with those white lies or avoiding telling some details which would just make both of us sad. In those times, one of the most powerful moments of my life, which i lived together with my greatest love, i pronounced shahada fully conscious of what i am saying. It was the happiest moment of my life. Subhan�ALLAH....

I have accepted his culture and its values for mine altogether with the rules for a muslim woman. I have never been happier in my life Allhamdoulillah.. i have read that the sins of a convert�s pasts are not being questioned by ALLAH the Almighty. Unfortunately, my dear is still being bothered with my past, especially with the time when he was at army. And he is not alone who is bothered, i am disgusted from myself and all i want is to forget.

I don�t know what is the best step to make now my dear family :-( all i want is to be a good muslim and not to hurt anybody, especially the man who i love this much. He is trying hard to forgive me, i know, thats why we are still together. There are still things i haven�t told him, things which i had commited in ignorance, having them reminded is making me feel like mess of the humanity. When i confessed to one of my muslim sisters, she said that he shouldn�t be questioning me of that things and she also said that when my lie is to prevent him and me, us, from pain, it is permitted in islam.

So, that is it. I commited a lot of sins in ignorance, before got myself into the hands of ALLAH. Since then i live accordingly, or at least i try to do my best back in my homeland, its harder than being in a muslim country, especially when ur parents are disbelievers. The only sin i am commiting now is LYING. I am lying to my love, because we love each other extremely, and because i don�t want to hurt him, and finally because of all that dreams we were about to start making true just after i graduate this year. We are ready to set up a family. My question is, is it lawful to tell a lie or sort of omit the truth in this example? I also consider the fact that building up the future of my children on a fragile basement of my lies is very irresponsible towards them, however I cannot imagine loving and being happy with another man. I cannot imagine any other man touching me or raise my children, because he has the values i want their father to give them.

Please give me some hints.. and I beg you, I hesitated with writing this response because i feared to hear some kind of deep moralizing. I probably need to hear it, you are right, but please, be sensitive.. only because of ALLAH I stopped hurting myself physically to replace the psychical pain and i know this is a great sin too. May ALLAH lead me to the straight path. I don�t consider myself a strong person and I might not bear the naked truth about me. Thank you for ur understanding and responses, may ALLAH bless you all, especially those struggling for their faith in unfriendly environment of Europe and the USA and those whose heart is as clean as an unwritten story book. Innocence is so precious and so fragile. Everybody is born with it. For women I say: be proud of your innocence and don�t fall into the commercial world! Be blessed...

Salamu Alaikum dear sister,

thank you for your response. Considering your explanation, I was behaving accordingly to the teachings of islam...

Also, as you suggested, those things in my life are like they never happened, unfortunately I can't keep bearing them on my shoulders, especially when they are being constantly reminded to me.

Anyway, unfortunately, our relationship is over from yesterday night. He is obsessed with knowing everything about my past and wrote to one of my friends to ask what we were doing when we were together. This, first of all, insulted me, and secondly, it is possible that man is going to tell a lie to revenge since I had left all my previous friendships with all men without explaining anything.

Whatever. It's gone through all my trying to save it... I think one can't built up something when the basis stones are lies.....

As about that, I am not angry with him, he prefers knowing only truths, but on the contrary, if he lied to save me from pain, I think I would have even appreciated that. I wish the gates of Eden will be open for his good heart, which just couldnt bear that sinful life of my past. I think that when he kept on asking and reminding me things of my non muslim life, he might have commited sin himself by doing so, when we are separated, there will be no need anymore for him to be sinful.

My heart is being toren with pain but his satisfaction will always be my privilege.

Anyway, thank you again sister for your response and make sure I will contribute in this forum when I have time since I am surrounded with very bad environment and have to feel ummah at least virtually.

May God bles you for your kind words..

Sometimes you dont need to confess, some "good soul" might do it for you! [IMG]smileys/smiley11.gif" align="middle" />
You advised sisters that one should consider the effects of truth and effects of a lie. But the fact is that every lie will get exposed one day from the side you never expected it to happen. Nobody can walk far with lies... and then when the things get exposed, the person hurt of these will not understand what really is the truth and wht is the lie to make me worse than what i was hiding!!!!!

off sisters... may ALLAH forgive me for hurting the only man I loved in my life [IMG]smileys/smiley5.gif" align="middle" />

Edited by meryema - 04 October 2011 at 2:57am

Assalamu 'alaykum Meryema

 Welcome to the true religion. You are really blessed by the almighty to get the real wisdom for knowing the correct path for this life and afterwards.

 

But as a Muslima we must understood one thing that Islam is not allowing any male/female relationships before and outside the marriage. �Boyfriend/Girlfriend/lovers� these are not permitted in our Islamic life. So as true believers we should not encourage these things. Any relationship outside the marriage is a sin and adultery as per our religion. It is clear that we should not start a relationship with a male before the wedlock. So my point is that, you should avoid having contact with your male friend simply because it is not allowed. The life before you enter Islam is totally different than the life after you became a good Muslima.

According to Islam, there is nothing called as love marriage

There is no concept of courtship in Islam as it is practiced in the West. There is no dating or living in de facto relationship or trying each other out before committing to each other. There is to be no physical relationship whatsoever before marriage.