Am I obliged to forgive and return to my husband??

Salam,

walaikum asalaam sister,
I am pleased you came back to reply.
I hope all goes well for you.
Allah will bless you as you remain faithful to Him and insha'allah you will be reunited with your children soon.
We will say du'as for you.

Edited by martha - 17 November 2009 at 2:07pm

Aslaam Alaikum Sister,

i am sorry you are going through this.  You need to trust your gut instinct.

Abuayisha has shown you several hadiths.  Divorce is of course not encouraged but we DO have the right to not be married to people who are either or both  bad for us or a danger to us. You cna forrgive anyone for anything, but that has absolutely no bearing on who you deicde to marry or live with.

For him to say sounds manipulative. Why would he want to force someone to be with him who does not want to??? 

My duas for you.

Hayfa

Walaikum asalaam sister,
Are you obliged to return to your husband? Quite simply..NO!

As muslim you can forgive him if you wish.
You have explained your situation very well in one post.
You are in a woman's refuge. That in itself shows that you have support from the authorities.

I expect you know this website?

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?itemid=1298&itemTitle=Support+for+survivors%3A+popular+questions+about+domestic+violence§ion=00010001002200410001§ionTitle=Articles%3A+domestic+violence#4

I would also imagine you have seen a counsellor from Victim Support. If not then do so. And that the abuse has been reported to the police?

Your husband could be seen as having anti-social personality disorder.

'This diagnosis is characterised by a lack of regard for the rights and feelings of other people, and a lack of remorse for actions that may hurt others. People with this diagnosis frequently ignore social norms about acceptable behaviour, and often may disregard rules and break the law.'

You could look into this type of behaviour and see if your husband fits into it.

Domestic Abuse is the following
1/ physical ( you have experienced this)
2/emotional/mental (        "               )
3/sexual
4/financial

Remorse from the adult is shortlived. Promises mean NOTHING as they are likely to return to the same type of behaviour.

Your husband could be feeling embarassed within the muslim community. THat is not a reason to take him back.
Does he have your best interests at heart then? Or is he thinking of himself?

Do NOT be fooled. Only you can tell if you want to return to the situation. But note, you have made a GOOD decision to leave, next time it would not be so easy.

He will make you feel guilty. He will make you say it is 'all your fault'. He will make you say you are suffering from a mental problem. Abusers say this, but evidence shows that depressed people are the abused and not the abusers.

Sister, I may be repeating what other professionals have already told you.

So consider everything.
1/ advice from the professionals- they know best
2/ look at the facts-he will not likely change
3/ a GOOD muslim husband does NOT treat his wife like this
4/ get support from your GP for depression as you are likely to feel low and responsible for his behaviour towards you( don't feel about about your low mood..it will get better)
5/ get the authorities to help you get your kids back
6/ YOU are not mad
7/ Go for mental health counselling- it will help you see more clearly
8/ rely on emotional support from YOUR family
9/ if the muslim community do not understand, do not assist you if your financially need it, tell you that it is your duty to obey your husband...then look to your heart, pray harder to Allah, as HE will be the ONLY one who will guide you. Keep your religion but remember that not all people understand Islam and rely more on 'cultural norms'.

Try not to complicate Islamic issues. Think of the Prophet(pbuH) Would he have been cruel to his wife/wives? That is all you need to consider to come to your decision. Anything else will only confuse you at this stage. Think of your children. DO they deserve to stay with a manipulative father? As he will likely do the same to them.

Sister, are you a revert? Is it a mixed marriage? You sound of English nationality.

PLEASE pm me if you need my help.
WHy am I SO concerned for your welfare?
I have been through this myself this year.

YOU ARE DOING GREAT! PEOPLE WILL BELIEVE YOU BUT YOU MUST STAY STRONG.

ONE MORE THING.CONSIDER GETTING A NON-MOLESTATION ORDER AGAINST YOUR HUSBAND SO HE DOES NOT HAVE CONTACT WITH YOU. AS YOU ARE IN A REFUGE HE ALREADY DOES NOT HAVE KNOWLEDGE OF WHERE YOU ARE. YOU SHOULD HAVE HELPERS IN THE REFUGE TO HELP YOU WITH ALL MATTERS. STAY STRONG AND BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.
GOOD LUCK.