I broke my wife's heart

Pati wrote: [QUOTE=mohmmad786] Hi mohmmad786, � I have highlighted one of your phrases, because in that phrase, you said lot of things: she loved you the most, your family were treating her in bad way, she came to you asking for help, and you supported your family instead of supporting her. � If you really love her, you have to support her in the same way she is doing with you. You said it, she loved you the most, but by your side, what she found was pain. The love should be shared at same level by both parts, and if it's not this way, the relation will never work. � My suggestion is to talk to your family and tell them that you love her and you want them to accept her and give her a fair life between them, what is the minimum thing that any wife deserves from her husband's family. � If you don't defend her, and go on telling her "I will send you the papers"... what do you really want from her? Do you really love her. � Imagine if you were in her place: you are with her family, and they are not accepting you, and you ask her for help and she tells you that she would send you the papers... how would you feel in that situation? Really, try to be in her place and you will understand how much pain you gave her and how can you (maybe, I am not sure) solve this situation. � Good luck Patricia

Assalamualekum pati and thanks for the reply, the reason why is said what i said is cause i love her too mnuch to lose her. The main problem here is that we did nikkah as i was living in uk and she was in pakistan so rather than just arrangement we did nikah and said that we would do ruksati(sorry dont know the exact word) where we are actually consolate marriage later. Now as i was in uk and she was in pakistan, the situation at my home got really tough as my brother lost his job and the monetary position got really tight so my parents couldnt call her much or give her gifts on special occasions. the main problem isnt my parents but its my sisterinlaw and she said things to my wife and she didnt like it. Now all i said to her was listen i am living in uk so all i can do is talk and as u are not living with my family i just dont wanna argue about it. My words to her was IF and that is IF i come back to pakistan we will live with my family and IF someone says something to her and i dont standup for her than she can say something like this. I have made this clear to her as well as my parents that i wouldnt let my parents do anything wrong with my wife as i got duties of a husband and i wouldnt let my wife say something wrong to my parents as i got the responsibility of a son as well. Yes i did say that i will send her the papers cause i got really angry and tired of her saying things against my family but that does not mean that i wanna leave her and dont love her. Maybe i am looking at it from a son's responsibilty but i know one thing that if my family would have done or said anything wrong than i would have stood up for my wife or would have left my family and took her and lived seperately. I may have said something which is wrong but i dont feel that i deserved something like that in return.

I can understand how u feel,i know its not the outer beauty u are mad for,same with me,
i was talking about such girls who are very confident and well protected by the family thinks they can have many options in life they will never be left alone,but brother when allah takes the decsion in hands then nobody can save them,

regards
Fias

Edited by fais - 20 December 2009 at 11:10pm

Salam Brother mohmmad,

Asalaam alaikum,

First my duas for you and your wife.

A few points in no order:

1. YOU need to live with your family. She does not. Islamically she has the right to her own home, unless she waives that right in the marriage contract.

2. Is is possible that your family agreed to the marriage but truly they do not accept her? I tell you that may be what your wife is sensing. And NO woman wants to live in that to be honest. You cannot be there 24/7 to protect her.

Women in these situations are rarely ever accepted as part of the family. Either she needs her own accomodations or it will be trouble. Can you not find something nearby. This is why family blessing in Pakistan is SO important for the woman. Families are tight units.. why live somewhere you are not accepted? That is not a home SHE can relax in.

The reality may be setting in for her. It was great to love you, but to view living wth people who do not accept and like her sounds pretty unpleasant. And yes you need to help take care of your parents but if your parents live with your brother already why can't you live nearby and help out? Its not like your parents have nowhere else to go....

I thnk it will help if you look at it from HER perspective.
1. This should be HER home- a place where she feel good to live. A place that she is liked and respected
2. I've lived in Pakistnai families.. you will go out to work, wil lshe be at home with the women? I tell you, if you are not liked and belong, how lonely would THAT be.
3. If you DO live somewhere else, will you-they resent that you did this for her and 'left' the family?
4. Your wife is Your responsibility. YOU have to also compromise. You do have others ot hlep with your parents. You are not the only child.  There is not hing that says (excluding economics) that you HAVE to all live together.

I will say my duas and I hope you can understand how she may see it and feel her condition. Yes, it is common for the daughter-in-law to live with the in-laws but if the family does not REALLY want her well...

I am sure others have some ideas.

Hayfa