? about one person slandering another

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   Firewall, that is all nice and good if you are treated nicely by your
in laws. Many girls now do not want to live with inlaws when they get
married now because of all the bad stories and problems that can arise
and what about just plain old privacy. My mother in law has lived with
me 3 times for about 6 months. And we had no problems. My husband told
her in the beggining that mom, you can't boss her around and tell her
to do stuff or offer her advice like you do me. He also told her that I
am very smart and when our kids were born that I would want to do
things my own way(like exclusively breastfeeding, when her generation
thought babies allways needed a bottle too, and delaying solids to 6
months when she though it should be 3months)So when she had any opinion
she respected me, stated it nicely and I would kindly tell her no, I
will not do it that way because this way is better for me and the baby.
My hsuband allways backed me up, because after all it is my and his
baby and we should make the decisions. Plainly stated there was no room
for disrespect between us and we loved and respected each other. I
expected her to not go in our bedroom and to give us our privacy in the
eveing(so we could watch tv and talk and hold hands) and I made sure
she had privacy with her own bedroom and bathroom. So I know there are
good in laws because I have one, however I know many women do not, and
it is not said in the Quran anywhere that you should live with your
in-laws and tolerate abuse from them. Some expended families work, but
being married to a southasian I have heard way, way to many horrer
stories from the women, who basically feel like mistreated children
living with thier inlaws. So Sad for them and shame on thier husbands
and thier families.

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Jenni Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 10 June 2005 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 705	Post Options Post Reply Quote Jenni Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Topic: ? about one person slandering another Posted: 29 September 2005 at 7:56am
	Firewall, that is all nice and good if you are treated nicely by your in laws. Many girls now do not want to live with inlaws when they get married now because of all the bad stories and problems that can arise and what about just plain old privacy. My mother in law has lived with me 3 times for about 6 months. And we had no problems. My husband told her in the beggining that mom, you can't boss her around and tell her to do stuff or offer her advice like you do me. He also told her that I am very smart and when our kids were born that I would want to do things my own way(like exclusively breastfeeding, when her generation thought babies allways needed a bottle too, and delaying solids to 6 months when she though it should be 3months)So when she had any opinion she respected me, stated it nicely and I would kindly tell her no, I will not do it that way because this way is better for me and the baby. My hsuband allways backed me up, because after all it is my and his baby and we should make the decisions. Plainly stated there was no room for disrespect between us and we loved and respected each other. I expected her to not go in our bedroom and to give us our privacy in the eveing(so we could watch tv and talk and hold hands) and I made sure she had privacy with her own bedroom and bathroom. So I know there are good in laws because I have one, however I know many women do not, and it is not said in the Quran anywhere that you should live with your in-laws and tolerate abuse from them. Some expended families work, but being married to a southasian I have heard way, way to many horrer stories from the women, who basically feel like mistreated children living with thier inlaws. So Sad for them and shame on thier husbands and thier families.
	You cant be a good muslim if you are not decent and have a cold heart. Be a decent and kind person and care for women and children and the elderly.

firewall Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 06 November 2004 Location: Malaysia Status: Offline Points: 215	Post Options Post Reply Quote firewall Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 29 September 2005 at 5:08am
	Edited by firewall

ummziba Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Female Joined: 16 March 2005 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 1158	Post Options Post Reply Quote ummziba Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 28 September 2005 at 7:54pm
	Assalamu alaikum, It sounds like you have a good outlook on your problem, Sister 222. Of course, your own parents take precedence, but I am glad you have managed to remain kind to the one who is causing you so many problems! I do hope things are resolved soon. Sister Jenni, I don't see anyone in this thread advocating that Muslim women should all be doormats! No one here is saying that one should remain in harms way, if that is the case, only that one should try their best to be kind and respectful to all people. No one here is saying that we should "just smile and take more c**p", that would be ludicrous. What is being advocated is solving problems by diplomacy and through kindness. Look to the example of our Prophet (pbuh) and you will see so many examples of treating others with kindness and respect, even when they treat you badly. Not much gets solved with anger or disrespect. What has how my in-laws might treat me in case of divorce got to do with treating them with kindness? When push comes to shove, I would rather have hurt feelings while continuing to treat others with kindness, than to lash back and displease Allah. This does not make me a "door mat" nor does it make me "repressed" - it makes me a Muslim striving to please my Creator. Peace, ummziba.
	Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words...they break my soul ~

222dnallohc Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Newbie Joined: 21 March 2005 Status: Offline Points: 27	Post Options Post Reply Quote 222dnallohc Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 28 September 2005 at 7:04pm
	Asalamu Alaikum Thank you sisters for all of your replies. The different views really do help me. herjihad- Unfortunately, my MIL has forbidden my sisters in law from speaking to me, and they have obeyed her wish out of "respect" they say for their mother, although they know what she is doing is wrong. My idea of talking to family members will have to come when we are all on speaking terms again, and inshAllah I know that will happen eventually. If my husband and I remain married, it will have to happen. Jenni and Ummziba- In my life, my own parents will always have priority over my inlaws. I do want to have a relationship with my inlaws, and have always treated them with kindness and respect no matter what they say or do, but like I said I already have my own parents and they will always have to come before my inlaws in my eyes. I can never give preference to my MIL over my own mother, but I can treat my MIL with kindness and respect. My MIL didnt give birth to me nor raise me. As for my relationship with my husbands family, there will be a long period of healing that is for sure. I will not allow the rest of my life to go by without having a relationship with his family- I feel its extremely important for me to have a decent relationship with my husbands family and want them to be involved in our childrens lives- when we have children. I also dont think it is acceptable for my MIL to pressure my husband to wait to have children with me because she doesnt trust American women, yet this is what has happened in the past. But a child does not have to obey their parents when they tell them to do something unIslamic. When I do speak to my husbands family, I will definately discuss with them how I have felt as well as get their opinion of the whole thing, so we can clear up any misunderstandings. I have tremendous patience, so for me to get to this point is a first for me. But I am a 32 year old adult and will do my best to be diplomatic about the whole thing...its just the best thing to do. When my MIL yells at me, I will remain calm as I have in the past, because its the right thing to do...no sense in making things worse. So at this point my MIL and SIL are currently visiting my other SIL in the US for an indefinate period of time. Although they are far away from us in another state, I do expect for them to come to see us where we are at some point. So inshAllah we will have the opportunity to work things out face to face. I do not want to punish my MIL, because that is not for me to worry about, its for Allah and Allah alone. Salam

Jenni Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 10 June 2005 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 705	Post Options Post Reply Quote Jenni Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 28 September 2005 at 3:33pm
	Ummziba-if your inlaws are as your parents, if you divorce will they take you in and care for you even though thier son has left you? Or when they die will they leave you an inheritence like thier own daughter? No because they are not like your parents. They are your husbands parents and your childrens grandparents and should be treated kindly, but they are not your parents and most will never really consider you like thier own daughter...
	You cant be a good muslim if you are not decent and have a cold heart. Be a decent and kind person and care for women and children and the elderly.

Jenni Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 10 June 2005 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 705	Post Options Post Reply Quote Jenni Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 28 September 2005 at 3:29pm
	To all of you, if you have the opinion that your inlaws are like your own parents, that is fine, what I have stated is exactly what I have read here on Islamicity. You do not have to obey your in laws, yes you should treat them with respect and kindness, however you do not have to tolerate things from them that you may have to from your own parents. Search Islammicity if you don't believe me, I am just restatning what has allready been said. My husband and I make our own decisions, and would never think of consulting our parents on things related to our marraige, if others choose to that is your choice, however it is not a religious obligation and a marraige is a private relationship between the couple. No woman should have to tolerate slander and abuse and I am tired of the apologetic sisters here allways telling women to tolerate more harm. Oh sister, just forgive this, just look the other way, just take your husband back. Please, Muslim women DON'T HAVE TO ALLWAYS BE DOORMATS!!!! And so sad our sisters encourage us to just smile and take more crap even though the people who are wronging us are commiting sin. No wonder people think we are so repressed...
	You cant be a good muslim if you are not decent and have a cold heart. Be a decent and kind person and care for women and children and the elderly.

herjihad Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 26 January 2005 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 2473	Post Options Post Reply Quote herjihad Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 28 September 2005 at 9:01am
	Bismillah, 22 your hurt feelings are real. May Allah, SWT, help you cure them and lead you to peace. I suggest working on your relationship with the other family members since you say you are concerned about what they think. Speak to your husband's sisters. Find a way because in the end, that could hurt your relationship with your husband more. The most important relationship discussed here is that between you and your husband. Does he expect you to call MIL endelssly, or will he understand if you just focus on other things in your life? May Allah, SWT, cure your back and bring ease to your life and help you with your children to be strong, supportive, and enduring for all of you.
	Al-Hamdulillah (From a Married Muslimah) La Howla Wa La Quwata Illa BiLLah - There is no Effort or Power except with Allah's Will.

ummziba Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Female Joined: 16 March 2005 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 1158	Post Options Post Reply Quote ummziba Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 28 September 2005 at 6:34am
	Assalamu alaikum, If we look to the Qur'an, we find that our in-laws are mahram to us; does this not make them "as our parents"? ".....and not reveal their adornment except to their husbands, or their fathers, or their husband's fathers......." Qur'an an nur 24:31 As Muslims striving to please Allah in all that we do, would we not strive to have good relations with all people, and most especially with our family? Sister 222dnallohc, I am sorry to hear of your troubles. Perhaps you might put your own hurt aside and ponder how best to please Allah, as that is what matters. Consider this, if you are kind and pleasant to everyone, at all times, who will believe the slander against you? Slander is only words, your actions speak much louder. Remember that the life of this world is a trial, so, not all things will be lovely and pleasant. How we react to the unpleasantness, the trials in our life, greatly determines our status in the Afterlife. Again, let us look to the Qur'an: "Every human being is bound to taste death: but only on the Day of Resurrection will you be requitted in full [for whatever you have done] - where upon he that shall be drawn away from the fire and brought into paradise will indeed have gained a triumph: for the life of this world is nothing but an enjoyment of self-delusion." Qur'an al imran 3:185 Is it better to endure hurt feelings from a mother in law who displeases Allah, while you please Him or is it better to displease Allah and have your feelings all better? Allah reminds us many times in the Qur'an that this life is a trial. Enduring hardships in this life with grace and kindness towards others can only benefit us. It is a shame that your husband cannot convince his own mother to stop her bad behavior, but, if you both treat her with kindness and gentleness and have both tried to reason with her and she continues, the sin is all hers. May Allah grant you patience and courage to deal with this trial. Peace, ummziba. Edited by ummziba
	Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words...they break my soul ~