Marriage Dilemma - am I wrong to feel this way?

How do you know? I did not come here to have my proximity to my religion scrutinised, I came here for help. Just because I do not make my religion obvious doesn't make me further away from Islam as you. Yes, I have said much that many will not like, but you know what? I still have faith that Allah will show me the right path at each and every turn as he has done so. I am still alive, I am still here and I am still a Muslim.

The way I live my life, the way I think and the way I do things - everything is a result of my life experiences and those of my parents generation before me. Allah has given me the strength to educate myself and give myself a career so that I do not have to go through the poverty and abuse that my mother had to go through just to bring us children up. I will not apologise for my life choices.

If I am to hear such unhelpful comments then I really shouldn't have bothered. Please, if you know the admins then get this topic deleted because this is clearly not the right forum.

Don't bother responding, I won't be reading it.

Dear Sisters, I am here for some advice about my marriage and feelings. Apologies if anything I say here is controversial.

I'm a 35 year old British Moderate Muslim. Being female, my parents brought me up with a different set of rules to my two brothers. I did not socialise with friends, never went on holidays, and as such, kept myself romantically away from the opposite sex.

At 21 I completed my first degree and was offered the job of a lifetime (the best possible job after my degree) and begged my parents to allow me to leave the parental home. They let me leave but regarded me as a corrupt child for doing so. My parents then spent the next few years trying to marry me off by forcing me to meet suitors. Each and everyone of these wanted me to quit my job and forget about my career. I hated the idea!

I went to Pakistan with my parents a few years later and met a 2nd cousin who wanted to marry me. He said he would run a business in the UK and had business partners who were willing to fund him (I also met them). He also promised me that he would let me carry on working so I saw this as an opportunity. A year later I married him in PK.

Days before coming to the UK he told me that his partners had pulled out and that he would no longer be doing a business in the UK. He also told me that his family had a �8K debt from paying for his two sisters weddings (overly lavish) and that he was expected to pay it back despite them having a family business. My parents lived in London while I was renting in another city. I asked my husband to live with me but he refused to do so, as there were more Pakistanis in London (plus he claimed I was renting). Instead, he lived with my parents while I lived in another city. Not speaking much English, and refusing to do just any job, my husband struggled also to find work. If he managed to get a job, he would only work for a few months and then decide to go to PK for a long holiday and promptly lose his job as a result.

In mid 2007 (over 2 years after marriage), I bought a property just to get my husband to live with me. He moved in and paid me a small sum (�200) monthly while I paid for everything else (>�1200) and basically looked after both of us. At the same time, he paid back his parents loan and sent a monthly sum over to them and his adult siblings. I grew more and more resentful by the day. His family lived lavishly and I had to look after myself. When I broached the subject of us having children and financially looking after them together, I was told that in Islam is it said that children come with their own destiny and look after themselves. As time grew on, I saw no future for myself and became severely depressed as a result. My depression was also fuelled by having feelings for a non-Muslim. I did nothing about this having had the childhood that I did. The only thing that saved me from my depression was a sudden decision by my company to make everyone redundant. At the same time my husband was sacked from his job in my city. I saw a way out and told him I was moving in with my parents. I suggested he live with his sister as I saw it as a way for him to look after himself and become more responsible (she wasn't going to look after him for free). After leaving my job I was given the chance to do a PhD so accepted this, moving to another city as a result. In some ways I felt bad, but I knew that my husband needed to be more independent and responsible by living without me. A year in to my PhD however, my husband went to PK to see family for 6 weeks. This 6 weeks turned into 2 years, with him only coming back a few weeks ago. Any longer, and he would have breached the 2 year out-of-country limit on his visa and would not have been able to return.

I am about to complete my PhD and start looking for a job again. My husband's views have not changed. He is with his sister at the moment but is not keen on sharing any financial bills equally if we move in together and are both working. His says his parents always come first and I know that he is keen on them moving house. If I broach the subject of us starting a life and living or buying somewhere together, then he says he will unlikely be able to save for anything. He has also repeatedly told me that I am rich and can buy my own place, which will be my responsibility.

I have now been married for 9 years but know deep down in my heart that my health will rapidly decline if I am in a similar situation I was in before. I feel bad as I am asking my husband to favour me over his family. I only want a normal marriage and to live like a normal couple but I feel my husband does not want this. I also feel I am being taken advantage of. Am I being unreasonable? Am I asking for too much? I have thought about divorce but feel I will likely be alone forever as I don't know the first thing about meeting someone new. Admittedly, I feel my situation has made me feel like I will be better off with a non-Muslim who will neither force me to be a housewife nor take advantage of my independence.