Need advise on Love and Relationship

Assalamu aleykum!

Everything here is taken from https://islamqa.info/en. Nothing is from me.

I would advice you to visit these links and read:

https://islamqa.info/en/21380

https://islamqa.info/en/20227

https://islamqa.info/en/87894

https://islamqa.info/en/27259

https://islamqa.info/en/22468

https://islamqa.info/en/46683

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Praise be to Allaah.

It is permissible for a Muslim man to marry a non-Muslim woman if she is Christian or Jewish, but it is not permissible for him to marry a non-Muslim woman who follows any religion other than these two. The evidence for that is the verse in which Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

�Made lawful to you this day are At‑Tayyibaat [all kinds of Halaal (lawful) foods, which Allaah has made lawful (meat of slaughtered eatable animals, milk products, fats, vegetables and fruits)]. The food (slaughtered cattle, eatable animals) of the people of the Scripture (Jews and Christians) is lawful to you and yours is lawful to them. (Lawful to you in marriage) are chaste women from the believers and chaste women from those who were given the Scripture (Jews and Christians) before your time when you have given their due Mahr (bridal-money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage), desiring chastity (i.e. taking them in legal wedlock) not committing illegal sexual intercourse, nor taking them as girlfriends�

[al-Maa'idah 5:4]


But it is not permissible for a Muslim man to marry a Magian (Zoroastrian) woman or a communist woman or an idol-worshipping woman, etc.

The evidence for that is the verse in which Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

�And do not marry Al-Mushrikaat (idolatresses) till they believe (worship Allaah Alone). And indeed a slave woman who believes is better than a (free) Mushrikah (idolatress), even though she pleases you�

[al-Baqarah 2:221]

https://islamqa.info/en/21380

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Praise be to Allaah.

Allaah has permitted us to marry Jewish and Christian woman, on condition that they are chaste and avoid zina (unlawful sexual relations), and that the wali (guardian) of that Christian woman is a Muslim.


What is meant by chaste is refraining from zina (unlawful sexual relationships).

Ibn Katheer said:

This is the view of the majority, which the most correct opinion, so as to avoid the combination of her being a non-Muslim with her being unchaste, which would mean that she is totally corrupt and thus her husband will get, as the Arabic proverb says, �Bad goods and cheated on the weight.� The apparent meaning of the aayah is that what is meant is those who are chaste and refrain from zina.


However, we do not advise you to marry a non-Muslim woman, nor do we advise you to marry just any Muslim woman. For married life is not based only on beauty and attraction, rather the wise Muslim must look with insight at what is beyond that, because he needs to be sure that his house will be looked after in his absence, and he needs to bring up his children, and he will not be able to find that or other things which every wise husband seeks, except with a religious Muslim woman. This is the advice of our Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him).

It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: �A woman may be married for four reasons: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her religious commitment. Choose the one who is religious, may your hands be rubbed with dust [i.e., may you prosper].�

(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4802; Muslim, 1466).

But marriage to women of the People of the Book leads to a great deal of mischief and trouble, such as:

1.      He may have to be courteous to this wife of his at the expense of his religion, especially if she is �very committed� to her own religion. This may mean that she will hang up crosses and go to the church, and the children will not be safe in this environment.

2.      She is not going to wash properly after finishing her period, or tell him not to have intercourse with her when she is menstruating; she is going to make him do something that is wrong according to sharee�ah and cause him physical harm.

3.      He is going to be put in an embarrassing situation because of her careless attitude concerning dress and her mixing with men and speaking to them.

4.      The states and governments of these women of the Book will be on their side and will give them custody of the children if differences arise and divorce takes place. This will cause these children to be lost and to fall into kufr. Such cases are too well known to need mentioning here and too many to count.

One of the poets said:

�Marriage to a Christian is an abhorrent action which leads to the kufr of the children for sure.

Whoever accepts for a child of his to be a kaafir is himself a kaafir, even if he claims to be a Muslim.

A man may become a kaafir, following his wife, and enter the Fire of Hell forever.

You must look for one who is religiously committed, if you want a sound marriage.

Forget about the people of kufr and beware of marrying them, for that will lead to a lot of evil.

The children of such a marriage will not be guided; they will swell the ranks of evildoers.

https://islamqa.info/en/20227

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You should note that if you have not both repented from the sin of zina, then it is not permissible for you to marry her, because Allaah has forbidden the zaani and zaaniyah to marry unless they both repent. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

�The adulterer � fornicator marries not but an adulteress � fornicatress or a Mushrikah; and the adulteress �fornicatress, none marries her except an adulterer � fornicater or a Mushrik [and that means that the man who agrees to marry (have a sexual relation with) a Mushrikah (female polytheist, pagan or idolatress) or a prostitute, then surely, he is either an adulterer � fornicator, or a Mushrik (polytheist, pagan or idolater). And the woman who agrees to marry (have a sexual relation with) a Mushrik (polytheist, pagan or idolater) or an adulterer � fornicator, then she is either a prostitute or a Mushrikah (female polytheist, pagan, or idolatress)]. Such a thing is forbidden to the believers (of Islamic Monotheism)�

[al-Noor 24:3]

https://islamqa.info/en/87894

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Praise be to Allaah.

Zina (adultery, fornication) does not refer only to penetration, rather there is the zina of the hand, which is touching that which is forbidden, and the zina of the eyes, which is looking at that which is forbidden, even though zina that is committed with the private parts, is the zina which is punishable with the hadd punishment.

It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: �Allaah has decreed for every son of Adam his share of zina, which he will inevitably commit. The zina of the eyes is looking, the zina of the tongue is speaking, one may wish and desire, and the private parts confirm that or deny it.�

Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5889; Muslim, 2657.

https://islamqa.info/en/27259

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Praise be to Allaah.

Firstly: The relationship that develops between a man and a non-mahram woman, which people call �love� is a combination of haraam things that transgress shar�i and moral limits.

No wise person will doubt that this relationship is haraam, because it involves a man being alone with a non-mahram woman, looking at her, touching her, kissing, and speaking words filled with love and admiration, which provokes desire.

Studies have shown that most of the marriages that are based on prior love between a man and woman fail, whereas most marriages that are not based on haraam relationships, which people call �traditional marriages�, succeed.

In a field study done by a French sociologist, the conclusion was:

Marriage is more likely to succeed when the two parties did not fall in love before marriage.

In another study of 1500 families, undertaken by Professor Isma�eel �Abd al-Baari, the conclusion was that more than 75% of love marriages ended in divorce, whilst the rate among traditional marriages � those which were not based on prior love � was less than 5%.

We can mention the most important causes of this outcome:

1-    Emotion blinds one to seeing faults and dealing with them, as it is said: �Love is blind�. One or both parties may have faults that make them unsuitable for the other, but those faults only become apparent after marriage.

2-    The lovers may think that life is an unending journey of love, so we see that they only speak of love and dreams, etc. They never speak about the problems of life and how to deal with them. This notion is destroyed after marriage, when they are confronted with the problems and responsibilities of life.

3-    The lovers are not used to debate and discussion, rather they are used to sacrifice and compromise in order to please the other party. Often they have arguments because each party wants to compromise and please the other. Then the opposite happens after marriage, and their arguments lead to a problem, as each one is used to the other agreeing with him or her, without any argument.

4-    The image that each lover has of the other is not a true image, because each party is being kind and gentle and trying to please the other. This is the image that each is trying to present to the other during the so-called �love� phase, but no one can carry on doing that throughout his or her life, so the true image appears after marriage, and leads to problems.

5-    The period of love is usually based on dreams and exaggerations that do not correspond with the reality that appears after marriage. The lover may think that he is going to bring her a piece of the moon, and he will never be happy unless she is the happiest person in the world, and so on.

But in return, she is going to live with him in one room and on the ground, and she has no requests or demands so long as she has won him, and that is sufficient for her. As one of them said, �A small nest is sufficient for us� and �A small morsel is sufficient for us� and �I will be content if you give me a piece of cheese and an olive�! This is exaggerated emotional talk, and both parties quickly forget it after marriage, and the woman complains about her husband�s miserliness, and his failure to meet her needs. Then the husband begins to complain about having too many demands and too many expenses.

For these reasons and others, we are not surprised when each party says after marriage that they were deceived and that they rushed into it. The man regrets not marrying So and so who was suggested to him by his parents, and the woman regrets not marrying So and so whom her parents approved of, but in fact they rejected him because of her wishes. So the result is this very high rate of divorce for marriages which people thought would be examples of the happiest marriages in the world!

The reasons mentioned above are real, and have happened in real life, but we should not ignore the real reason for the failure of these marriages, which are based on disobedience to Allaah. Islam can never approve of these sinful relationships, even if the aim is marriage. Therefore they cannot escape the just divine punishment, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

�But whosoever turns away from My Reminder (i.e. neither believes in this Qur�aan nor acts on its teachings) verily, for him is a life of hardship�

[Ta-Ha 20:124]

A hard and difficult life is the result of disobeying Allaah and turning away from His Revelation.

And Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

�And if the people of the towns had believed and had the Taqwa (piety), certainly, We should have opened for them blessings from the heaven and the earth�

[al-A�raaf 7:96]

Blessings from Allaah are a reward for faith and piety, but if there is no faith or piety, or only a little thereof, the blessing will be reduced or even non-existent.

And Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

�Whoever works righteousness � whether male or female � while he (or she) is a true believer (of Islamic Monotheism) verily, to him We will give a good life (in this world with respect, contentment and lawful provision), and We shall pay them certainly a reward in proportion to the best of what they used to do (i.e. Paradise in the Hereafter)�

[al-Nahl 16:97]

A good life is the fruit of faith and righteous deeds.

Allaah indeed spoke the truth when He said (interpretation of the meaning):

�Is it then he who laid the foundation of his building on piety to Allaah and His Good Pleasure better, or he who laid the foundation of his building on the brink of an undetermined precipice ready to crumble down, so that it crumbled to pieces with him into the fire of Hell. And Allaah guides not the people who are the Zaalimoon (wrongdoers)�

[al-Tawbah 9:109]

The one whose marriage is based on this haraam foundation must hasten to repent and seek forgiveness and seek a righteous life that is based on faith, piety and righteous deeds.

https://islamqa.info/en/22468

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Allaah has enjoined repentance on all kinds of people in this ummah: those who are foremost in good deeds, those who follow a middle course, and those who wrong their own selves by doing haraam things (cf. Faatir 35:32).

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

�And all of you beg Allaah to forgive you all, O believers, that you may be successful�

[al-Noor 24:31]

�O you who believe! Turn to Allaah with sincere repentance!�

[al-Tahreem 66:8]

And the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: �O people, repent to Allaah and seek His forgiveness, for I repent one hundred times a day.� Narrated by Muslim, 2702 from the hadeeth of al-Agharr al-Muzani (may Allaah be pleased with him).

Allaah has bestowed His mercy and encompassed His slaves with his kindness. He is Forbearing and does not punish us or destroy us straightaway, rather He gives us respite, and He commanded His Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) to proclaim His generosity:

�Say: O �Ibaadi (My slaves) who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allaah, verily, Allaah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft‑Forgiving, Most Merciful�

[al-Zumar 39:53 � interpretation of the meaning].

And He says, out of kindness towards His slaves (interpretation of the meaning):

�Will they not turn with repentance to Allaah and ask His forgiveness? For Allaah is Oft‑Forgiving, Most Merciful�

[al-Maa'idah 5:74]

�And verily, I am indeed forgiving to him who repents, believes (in My Oneness, and associates none in worship with Me) and does righteous good deeds, and then remains constant in doing them (till his death)�

[Ta-Ha 20:82]

�And those who, when they have committed Faahishah (illegal sexual intercourse) or wronged themselves with evil, remember Allaah and ask forgiveness for their sins; � and none can forgive sins but Allaah � and do not persist in what (wrong) they have done, while they know�

[Aal �Imraan 3:135]

�And whoever does evil or wrongs himself but afterwards seeks Allaah�s forgiveness, he will find Allaah Oft‑Forgiving, Most Merciful�

[al-Nisa� 4:110]

What is meant by repentance is returning to Allaah, giving up sin and hating it, and regretting falling short in obedience to Allaah. Al-Nawawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

Repentance is essential from every sin, even if it is something between a person and Allaah and has nothing to do with the rights of another person. There are three conditions of repentance:

1-     You should give up the sin

2-     You should regret having done it

3-     You should resolve never to go back to it.

If one of these three is missing, then your repentance is not sincere. If the sin has to do with the rights of another person, then there are four conditions: the three mentioned above and restoring the rights of that person. If it is money or property, etc, it must be returned to him; if it had to do with slandering him etc, then you should allow him to insult him in return, or ask for his forgiveness; if it had to do with backbiting about him, then you have to ask for his pardon. It is essential to repent from all sins; if a person repents from some, his repentance from the sins from which he repented is valid � according to the scholars who follow the right path � but he must still repent from the rest as well.

https://islamqa.info/en/46683

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And Allah knows best.

Wa aleykum salam!