I need help: mother in law issues!

Aoa everyone,

So I’ve been married two years this September Alhamdullilah. Initially I had a great relationship with my Mother-in-law (MIL), for the first year of my marriage. It’s only when I had my son that I REALLY noticed her change.

She’s still lovely to me and did a lot for me while I was pregnant, but after I had my baby, she would always repeatedly say to him, ‘oh you’re a hungry boy! You’re hungry’ in front of me, making me feel like a bad mother and like I wasn’t producing enough milk, just so she could feed him a bottle of formula. She did this again today.

I will never forget, that we had guests over to see my son. One of the guests asked me how I was finding motherhood. I told her that I finding it okay, since I had help from my husband. And how at night, he would change the nappy and I would breastfeed him. At which point, my MIL interjected that he does the hard job. I was so shocked I didn’t know what to say.. I had just undergone a traumatic birth experience and was still recovering from major abdominal surgery. It was dreaded pain just to sit up in bed to breastfeed him for half an hour vs a quick nappy change! I clearly did the more difficult job!

She always said to me, you’re like my own daughter. But when she claimed my husband does the ‘hard job’ in front of guests, making me seem lazy, I realised it was a lie. If she truly meant that I’m like her own daughter, she would have told the guests that we both do a great job.

Every single day, she observes me and picks out fault with what I am doing. She has a right and wrong way to do the most trivial of things.. for example, she doesn’t like me, cutting up my sons food, she likes me to break it off whole. I forgot once, and she irritably told me, ‘I have told you before not to cut up his food!’

She even has a particular way as to how to feed the family cat’s food, because ‘that’s how the cat likes it and won’t eat it if I do it another way.’ That cat will eat anything, regardless of it being mushed or having dry food on top. Fine, feed the cat that way, but I feel it’s unfair for her to suggest how I feed my son, whether or not, I cut it or give it whole, he’s still going to eat it.. so what’s the problem?!

Yesterday, I was giving my son a drink of water from a glass and she had an issue with the glass I chose, which was the only one available as the rest were in the dishwasher. She wanted him to drink from a wide-rimmed glass. She could clearly see he was drinking fine and was enjoying gulping it, but she still gave her daily unsolicited advice.

I’m tired of all the daily unsolicited advice, especially when it concerns my son! He is my responsibility! I feel like a child with all the silly advice.. like I have no control over my own baby. And I feel that is very wrong.

I have previously told her please don’t put on cartoons a few times and she has agreed. But today, after I showered, I came down and discovered that, lo and behold, she’s put them on for him.

If he watches cartoons, he will sit down and not use his energy. If he doesn’t use his energy, he won’t get tired and therefore won’t nap until late. This means, when he wakes up, he will eat late. When he eats late, he will sleep even later. So by watching cartoons, his routine gets messed with.

She always wants to feed him, which I think is selfish of her, since we don’t know how many children Allah will bless me and my husband with, so I want to make the most of my son. I will always cook his food and she will want to feed him and tell me ‘I’ll feed him, you do your job’ meaning, the housework. In my head, I think he’s my job before any housework though! It’s so unfair! She takes away my chance of feeding him but as soon as he’s done a poopy nappy, she hands him straight over. She told me herself, she doesn’t want to change him, as the ‘smell’ gets to her. My own mother has never had a problem changing his poopy nappies!

I don’t know what she’s up to, is she trying to test my limit before I crack or is she taking my softness for granted?

I really want to move out as I think there’s a million rules to follow here but I don’t know how to approach my husband. He loves me and knows I’ve done and do so much for him, but I think he will be defensive about his mother. So I am very nervous about telling him. I live with my brother in law and father in law, although they are very passive and don’t really bother me.

Please help!

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Dr. Aslam Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Admin Group Male Islam Joined: 24 February 2018 Location: California, USA Status: Offline Points: 279	Post Options Post Reply Quote Dr. Aslam Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Topic: I need help: mother in law issues! Posted: 12 February 2021 at 6:43pm
	Wa alaikum Salam, Talk to your husband and explain his concern. Do not directly confront your mother in law. In certain cultures, such a confrontation create more problems. It is a cultural and psychological issue. Probably she feels insecure or she is over exercising her authority. She should give you advise but in a manner that is polite and kind. Hopefully, you will takto your husband and he will communicate your concerns to her. Aslam Abdullah
	Best Regards, Aslam Abdullah

Heretohelp Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Starter. Islam Joined: 06 January 2021 Location: Uk Status: Offline Points: 2	Post Options Post Reply Quote Heretohelp Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 06 January 2021 at 4:40pm
	Aoa everyone, So I’ve been married two years this September Alhamdullilah. Initially I had a great relationship with my Mother-in-law (MIL), for the first year of my marriage. It’s only when I had my son that I REALLY noticed her change. She’s still lovely to me and did a lot for me while I was pregnant, but after I had my baby, she would always repeatedly say to him, ‘oh you’re a hungry boy! You’re hungry’ in front of me, making me feel like a bad mother and like I wasn’t producing enough milk, just so she could feed him a bottle of formula. She did this again today. I will never forget, that we had guests over to see my son. One of the guests asked me how I was finding motherhood. I told her that I finding it okay, since I had help from my husband. And how at night, he would change the nappy and I would breastfeed him. At which point, my MIL interjected that he does the hard job. I was so shocked I didn’t know what to say.. I had just undergone a traumatic birth experience and was still recovering from major abdominal surgery. It was dreaded pain just to sit up in bed to breastfeed him for half an hour vs a quick nappy change! I clearly did the more difficult job! She always said to me, you’re like my own daughter. But when she claimed my husband does the ‘hard job’ in front of guests, making me seem lazy, I realised it was a lie. If she truly meant that I’m like her own daughter, she would have told the guests that we both do a great job. Every single day, she observes me and picks out fault with what I am doing. She has a right and wrong way to do the most trivial of things.. for example, she doesn’t like me, cutting up my sons food, she likes me to break it off whole. I forgot once, and she irritably told me, ‘I have told you before not to cut up his food!’ She even has a particular way as to how to feed the family cat’s food, because ‘that’s how the cat likes it and won’t eat it if I do it another way.’ That cat will eat anything, regardless of it being mushed or having dry food on top. Fine, feed the cat that way, but I feel it’s unfair for her to suggest how I feed my son, whether or not, I cut it or give it whole, he’s still going to eat it.. so what’s the problem?! Yesterday, I was giving my son a drink of water from a glass and she had an issue with the glass I chose, which was the only one available as the rest were in the dishwasher. She wanted him to drink from a wide-rimmed glass. She could clearly see he was drinking fine and was enjoying gulping it, but she still gave her daily unsolicited advice. I’m tired of all the daily unsolicited advice, especially when it concerns my son! He is my responsibility! I feel like a child with all the silly advice.. like I have no control over my own baby. And I feel that is very wrong. I have previously told her please don’t put on cartoons a few times and she has agreed. But today, after I showered, I came down and discovered that, lo and behold, she’s put them on for him. If he watches cartoons, he will sit down and not use his energy. If he doesn’t use his energy, he won’t get tired and therefore won’t nap until late. This means, when he wakes up, he will eat late. When he eats late, he will sleep even later. So by watching cartoons, his routine gets messed with. She always wants to feed him, which I think is selfish of her, since we don’t know how many children Allah will bless me and my husband with, so I want to make the most of my son. I will always cook his food and she will want to feed him and tell me ‘I’ll feed him, you do your job’ meaning, the housework. In my head, I think he’s my job before any housework though! It’s so unfair! She takes away my chance of feeding him but as soon as he’s done a poopy nappy, she hands him straight over. She told me herself, she doesn’t want to change him, as the ‘smell’ gets to her. My own mother has never had a problem changing his poopy nappies! I don’t know what she’s up to, is she trying to test my limit before I crack or is she taking my softness for granted? I really want to move out as I think there’s a million rules to follow here but I don’t know how to approach my husband. He loves me and knows I’ve done and do so much for him, but I think he will be defensive about his mother. So I am very nervous about telling him. I live with my brother in law and father in law, although they are very passive and don’t really bother me. Please help!