Feeling Alone

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 akh2014 wrote:

My background: I finished my law degree in England (2007) and I currently live with my husband in the US (New Jersey). To cut a long story short, I am a convert. I don't use convert in the typical sense of the word - but merely a traditional sense. According to Islam (or my interpretation of it), every human being was born a muslim. In that regard, I was born a muslim but my parents (being of Sikh Indian origin) "converted" me to Sikhism. When I was 14 years old, I had a major interest in Islam. Initially, it was slight, but I began to get a little obsessive. At university, I was internally hoping some devotedly religious muslim man would somehow miraculously realize I was not a Sikh, help me with my "reversion" and marry me. I was so scared, and still am, of living this whole life a lie. Fast forward to today, I am married and I have a one year old daughter. However, my husband is Sikh. He is probably the nicest person I have ever met. That being said, he is not a muslim. 

I have tried to indirectly tell him about my interest in Islam. He seems to have brushed it off. He is a lot older then me, so he merely thinks its part of my immature obsessions. Also, if I revert to Islam, I may risk losing my child (one of the grounds for divorce and child custody). 

I cannot stop thinking about Islam. I've done the silliest of things to convince myself Islam is not for me. For instance, I would drink a bottle of beer with my husband and his family; or walk around in mini skirts, knowing full well I would be stared down, left, right and center. My husband loves it, but I feel SUCH immense guilt afterwards. 

To tell you the truth, I am not quite sure why I am writing this. I think its because I want God (or someone) to tell me, jeez, I will help you revert to Islam. I will help convince your husband. I so badly need that support. I want my daughter to know what her mummy is, truly. On the flip side, I want my husband to embrace Islam. And, if he cannot, I will ask God to show me the true person for me. 

My biggest disappointment is that after 15 years, I still don't know how to read the Koran or perform prayer. Further, my insecurities towards embracing Islam is jeopardizing my future goals. I stalk other muslim attorney profiles in New York, trying to convince myself that one day I will be a muslim attorney. I studied Islamic Finance Law, but I can't seem to convince myself to tell others what I REALLY want to pursue in my life. 

If someone has an answer to all of this, please help me. 

Without all the Hadiyth . This is the Real-Deal , No one can keep you from being a Muslim (But -Your-self ) , As far as the Holy Qur'aan , No-one keep you from reading/ following  The Holy Qur'aan ( But You ) . 

As for learning how to make , Prayer I can post the way a Muslim should make Prayer if you like . You must overstand Islam is a way of life , Not something you put On and Off . Or one day a week like Christians do on Sunday . You have to live Islam 365 days a year everyday , Minut / hour , sec . You must overstand something , It's no such thing you can't , 

Also Allah is the judge not mortal's Man or Women . Only Allah !!!