Problem between Husband & Wife

Assalam o Alaikum Brothers and Sisters,

Myself Hassan I’ve been married to a very good woman for the last 12 years. A very good relationship full of love, harmony and peace. She cares a lot about me and my kids and I love her very passionately and deeply that even related to a field where you have to see , meet and talk to lots of people of opposite gender I never ever thought about being off track, flirty with them or even tried to be very friendly with them because my whole world revolves around my wife only. She’s world to me and I really can’t explain this feeling and love in words.

For the past 4 or 5 months I was feeling or sensing that something is not all right and my heart kept going to my wife as if she’s doing something that will hurt me and I even saw some of dreams like that. She uses social media like facebook and member of many diet, health and cooking groups and pages over there and even contribute in sense of commenting posting etc I never have had any problem with that (we both know passwords of our phones, everything and no secrets) one day I happened to open her phone and found she’s a member of some secret poetry group and out of nowhere I felt like something’s not right.

I didn’t want to inquire her about it so I started to do some surveillance on her Facebook from my laptop. I never did it in 12 years but this time I don’t know why and what was making me feel something’s wrong and something’s not right anyways her name is saima and I found out that in the group different guys commenting on her poetry posts by calling her lovely nick names like saimi, somi etc. and she even reacted on comments with like and love. I also see her talking with guys in comments and giving hints like as if she’s unmarried. And found that few guys even trying to slightly and lightly flirting with her you know flirting in a joking manner. I started to feel completely depressed and my behavior changed with my wife completely not angry but depressed, hurt and don’t wanted to talk to her so she started to probe and after a lot of trying she happened to find out that I was keeping her in watch so I told her in hints that it’s because she’s doing something she never have done in years and something that doesn’t sound good to me. I didn’t tell her that I had been watching her comments and all that but I said she never joined any poetry group in years like this and all of this sudden change made me worried. So she said there’s nothing wrong don’t worry and said if I want so she may delete herself from the group I said no (what’s the good of asking I rather believe in feel the feelings of other half) anyway after that she started to hesitate whenever I try to hold her phone she didn’t say it but the colors of her face changed every time. It kept going on for around a month and last night I finally burst I love her so much I didn’t shout got angry or anything else like that but I just presented her the screenshots of her comments. She said it’s nothing it’s normal we were just joking so I tried to make her realize that since when light flirting comes under joking??? I further said would it be ok with you If I let other girls call me by sweet nick names ??? will you be ok then ??? won’t it hurt you ?? she went into complete silence and after that kept saying sorry and all the things that were not making any sense to me. I showed her that in few comments you giving hints as if you’re not married so she said being married with you is already in my profile so everybody must know it then I countered the argument that your profile doesn’t show on Facebook group only your friends can see it and moreover even if they know it then why even in joke or funny sense you’re giving them hints that you’re not married because this doesn’t make any sense.
After hours and hours of discussion she didn’t realize the pain or hurt I’m going through although she’s sorry but she says she’s not done anything wrong and comments and all that were just jokes about calling sweet nick names so in that particular group everybody calls each other with sweet nick names.

I said her I’m your husband your mahram what if your brother or your father sees these comments of yours what will be their reaction will they be happy or consider it normal or they be hurt like I’m but she’s stuck on same point she’s not done anything wrong and it was just funny talk , jokes and all that. The funniest part is even after knowing what’s the bone of contention she was asking me that if I say she would delete herself from the group but according to what I feel is she should have done that without myself saying her to do so. Anyways I may be wrong. I just don’t realize what’s so important in the group that she joined four months ago that she’s even unable to delete herself from it on her own??

She was saying sorry and trying to move on but she’s not realizing the pain I’m going through if what she’s saying is good and ok then I must be psychologically unfit what else the reason of myself being depressed and hurt ???


I’m a bit confused brothers and sister I don’t know If I’m being psychologically unfit that I’m over reacting over what’s going on or happened or I’m going through obsessive compulsive disorder I need your help and advice I want to know on this topic that my hurt my depression all these are a justified feelings ??

Should I be feeling this like am I justified??? Or you think that I’m not justified I’m just being over protective possessive and maybe psychologically unfit ???

I just want to clear my mind I know whatever she’s doing it’s just on that particular group on facbeook but I just want to make sure on my side that my hurt and depression are justified or not or else whatever she’s saying is right that there’s nothing wrong and I’m overacting ???

All your kind advises are much appreciated and will help me define the way further.

Hassan, Assalamu alaikum, and welcome!

Unfortunately, it's extremely difficult to give advice to people we know very little about, and all we have is what you have articulated above. Having said that, let me suggest that you seek counseling from a trusted close family member or friend. I am personally more concerned about your behavior and reactions to your wife, than what you perceive as her troubling actions via the internet.
We know that in our religion some suspicions, especially unfounded suspicion, and mistrust based upon dreams, can be sinful. In other words, you went looking for something and found it. Now that you have found what you believe confirms you suspicions you have a crisis of trust to deal with. Your wife has offered to close the account if this will make you feel better and still you're troubled. I suggest you accept her offer and allow her to close the account, then let her change her password so you will no longer have access to find that which may cause you pain. Start rebuilding trust. Stop spying.
Lastly, brother Hassan, I'm a little concerned about your use of the terms depression and psychologically unfit, both of which can have clinical implications. Once again, without knowing you I don't know what to make of this. Are you just sad and anxious, or jealous and angry, or do you need to speak with your healthcare provider? Let me suggest that you do meet with your doctor and see what he thinks about your overall fitness. Often underlying health problems will manifest in changing our attitudes. I wish you all the best and it sounds like you have been blessed with a wonderful spouse. We ask Allah, Most High, to bless you with many more years of happiness.

As salaamu aleikum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatuh.