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hi susset,

i wrote long previously. but i think it's simpler like this.

traditional marriege steps in my culture:

1. groom's family eyes the desired girl (merisik)

    1.1 if groom's family loves her --> step 2

    1.2 if not, no marriege

2. groom's family entourage proposed to the bride's family at the her house (meminang)

    2.1 if both family, bride & groom loves the proposal --> step 3

    2.2 if not, no marriege

3. engagement sealed. both family discuss wedding arrangement: 

    - the wedding presents for the bride: the bride can request the gifts

    - wedding suffs: date, arrangements, etc.

4. bride & groom marries (pernikahan)

    - a kadi will take vows from groom & bride, witnessed by bride's wali & people

    - after the vow, the marriege is solemnised

of course this is my, culture. & in Islam, you can actually it can
merisik & meminang the guy, i.e. khadijah. but this is how
traditional Malay goes. he might be in step 2. i don't know if he's in
step 3. so there you go. good luck!

ps: if engagement is broken, the shame might be like being left alone
on the altar on your wedding day. so hearts can hurt. but most people
here just thickens their face & move on. ppl will talk, but there's
nothing else we can do about it. 

Edited by firewall

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firewall Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 06 November 2004 Location: Malaysia Status: Offline Points: 215	Post Options Post Reply Quote firewall Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 27 January 2006 at 8:34am
	hi susset, i wrote long previously. but i think it's simpler like this. traditional marriege steps in my culture: 1. groom's family eyes the desired girl (merisik) 1.1 if groom's family loves her --> step 2 1.2 if not, no marriege 2. groom's family entourage proposed to the bride's family at the her house (meminang) 2.1 if both family, bride & groom loves the proposal --> step 3 2.2 if not, no marriege 3. engagement sealed. both family discuss wedding arrangement: - the wedding presents for the bride: the bride can request the gifts - wedding suffs: date, arrangements, etc. 4. bride & groom marries (pernikahan) - a kadi will take vows from groom & bride, witnessed by bride's wali & people - after the vow, the marriege is solemnised of course this is my, culture. & in Islam, you can actually it can merisik & meminang the guy, i.e. khadijah. but this is how traditional Malay goes. he might be in step 2. i don't know if he's in step 3. so there you go. good luck! ps: if engagement is broken, the shame might be like being left alone on the altar on your wedding day. so hearts can hurt. but most people here just thickens their face & move on. ppl will talk, but there's nothing else we can do about it. Edited by firewall

Hayfa Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Female Joined: 07 June 2005 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 2368	Post Options Post Reply Quote Hayfa Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 27 January 2006 at 10:06am
	Sounds like this person has a complex situation. Since we do not know where he is from its hard to say what might be the cultural influences as well as specifically his family. Some stuff may be Islamic and some of it not. Honestly I'd seperate myself if I were in your shoes.
	When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi

Alwardah Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 25 March 2005 Location: South Africa Status: Offline Points: 980	Post Options Post Reply Quote Alwardah Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 27 January 2006 at 11:45am
	Hi Sussett Sounds very fishy to me! Did he ask you for financial help? The money he needs to pay is for the marriage not divorce, that means that he is already married. If a person can change his mind so quickly from one female to another, he will soon leave you if someone better comes along. I also suggest - Walk away now.
	�Verily your Lord is quick in punishment; yet He is indeed Oft-Forgiving Most Merciful (Surah Al-An�am 6:165) "Indeed, we belong to Allah and to Him is our return" (Surah Baqarah 2: 155)

Sussett Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Newbie Joined: 22 January 2006 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 7	Post Options Post Reply Quote Sussett Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 02 February 2006 at 8:09am
	No he hasn't asked for help with the money. Its the opposite he's always bring gifts for me or my family. Even though I've told him ot to on more than on occation. As for him leaving her, I told him it had better not be for me. I've made no promises except to be his friend. First of his father is from Palistine (sorry if i miss spelled that) he did NOT marry a family member (cousin, aunt, etc.) but a Puerto Rican woman. Now my friend was born and raised in Puerto Rico. I am Puerto Rican, and I see so much of my own culture in him that it's hard to believe the stuff that's going on with him. I grew up with a phrase my mother taught me. That the way a man treats his mother, is how he treats a woman. So far that's worked for me in the past. But this guy is confusing. I mean he's so wonderful with is mother (whom Ive met along with his brother) he's caring, and very detailed oriented. He's the same with my mother. Yesterday he came over to help my dad with some shelves and brought my mom flowers. But at the same time I hear what's going on with his father and it worries me. I could his father be seriouse about the threat? I mean he didn't kill his older son when he got a woman pregnate and than married her instead of the arranged marriage...... As for the money, you ladies have me thinking now because all of you plus what Ive read have said that money is paid when their IS going to be a marriage NOt when there is a divorce.

herjihad Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 26 January 2005 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 2473	Post Options Post Reply Quote herjihad Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 02 February 2006 at 9:10am
	*Bismillah,* *What you said about his brother clarifies the situation that his dad is blowing smoke and those are just words not threats.*
	Al-Hamdulillah (From a Married Muslimah) La Howla Wa La Quwata Illa BiLLah - There is no Effort or Power except with Allah's Will.