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arranged marriage
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Israfil View Drop Down
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Originally posted by Jihad1 Jihad1 wrote:

As'Salamu Alaikum,
 
In an arrange marriage the women does have a choice to say yes or no and if she does not like him does have a right to say NO. If there is an attraction to the person that is to be arranged to marry and you like his personality, they both usually end up caring a lot for each other and then loving each other.
 
I did not know my husband and married him within a few days. And yes I do love him.
 
Jihad
 
If women in these cultures had a choice, then that would nullify the concept of arrange marriages altogether. Women may have limited choices in saying yes or no, however, the amount of choices is contingent upon that culture. For example, if a woman from a Bedouin tribe wants to marry a Sudanese man she must seek approval from her family accoprding to some of these cultures for it to be culturally acceptable. If the family refuses, then realistically she could still be married but there would be repricussions for this union. Most cultures of arrange marriages emphasize on endogamous unions, that is, they emphasize on marrying within one's own culture. There is no such thing as "freedom of chocie" in these cultures especially if you are choosing outside your family's liking thus whatever choices that are made are limited.
 
I also agree that there are different levels of love but this is done so by the relationships we establish from birth parents (family etc) to extended friendships and intimate partners. We all love them differently. I don't believe you can love someone after being arrange to them the second day because, love encompasses knowledge of the person as well. I don't think love without knowing the person is rational and realistic. I've spoken to individuals who have been married for over +20 years and the common thing among these idverse groups is that they established some sort of friendship. I don't mean to downplay anyon'e experience but its difficult to establish love after a few days of being married to the person. If anything it's more infatuation of the person.


Edited by Israfil - 07 July 2008 at 1:25pm
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Hayfa View Drop Down
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the choices are limited for both men and women. Even for men, you think to marry without family approval, normally does not happen.

Really what is love?  And yes most marriages that last it becomes friendship. Whether arranged or not. If they maintain their relationship.
 
And really about matters of the heart... i think it goes back to, some people are cabalbe of love, some are not. Some people mistaken the"romantic and sexual" for love. In arranged marriages the purpose is to gettow people who are compatiable to live together and raise a family.  And frianly there are alot of people who have so many issues that deeper love as we know it may not be possible.
 
And friendship, who can beat a great friend to be married to. The person who will stick with you through thick and thin.
 
And no matter the culture. that romantic fairy tale is just that, a fairy tale.
When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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You know what makes me happy is seeing an older married couple who still have that love in their eyes.  It is rare to see, but it happens.  Ma'sha Allah I saw it in my husband's parents eyes.  How much they still love each other after so many years.  Thank God for that because they have really suffered and endured a lot.  It gives me hope that it really can happen.  His parents had not been able to get to know each other before marriage.  It was more of a love from afar so they had to get to know each other more after the marriage.  Yet it seemed to work and they really are happy after all this time.  Ma'sha Allah love can really be an amazing thing if there is commitment and respect between the husband and wife.
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Chrysalis View Drop Down
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Originally posted by Israfil Israfil wrote:

 
If women in these cultures had a choice, then that would nullify the concept of arrange marriages altogether.  
 
 
Hmm. I'm not sure if I can agree with that entirely. More women are proponents of Arranged Marriages, than men. And arranged marriages are also beneficial to the less priveleged, unattractive segment of the society. Its a fact that majority of the society favours an attractive spouse.
 
Especially for women, there are benefits in arranged marriages.
"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."
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Chrysalis View Drop Down
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Originally posted by Hayfa Hayfa wrote:

the choices are limited for both men and women. Even for men, you think to marry without family approval, normally does not happen.

Really what is love?  And yes most marriages that last it becomes friendship. Whether arranged or not. If they maintain their relationship.
 
And really about matters of the heart... i think it goes back to, some people are cabalbe of love, some are not. Some people mistaken the"romantic and sexual" for love. In arranged marriages the purpose is to gettow people who are compatiable to live together and raise a family.  And frianly there are alot of people who have so many issues that deeper love as we know it may not be possible.
 
 
 
And no matter the culture. that romantic fairy tale is just that, a fairy tale.
 
Exactly.
 
Also, I think "Love"  though not extinct, is rare to find. Often (not always), when spouses who have been married for a decade say they "love" each other. . . I think they think they do, but in actuality they are just used to each other, and are dependent on the other for companion-ship. I think there is a tendency to get used to the spouse, like any other person/object, and often that is mistaken for love.
 
I'm sure there are ppl out there in "Love" with each other . . .but I would say its not very common.
"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."
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Israfil View Drop Down
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Hmm. I'm not sure if I can agree with that entirely. More women are proponents of Arranged Marriages, than men. And arranged marriages are also beneficial to the less priveleged, unattractive segment of the society. Its a fact that majority of the society favours an attractive spouse.
 
Especially for women, there are benefits in arranged marriages.
 
I'm speaking from experience perhaps. But regardless whether man or woman makes a choice it is still limited within the confines of their culture. You simply cannot marry outside the culture less you be exiled from it. That is not freedom. The only benefit is whether or not the chosen partner has something to offer to the woman (or man).
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Hayfa View Drop Down
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And arranged marriages are also beneficial to the less priveleged, unattractive segment of the society. Its a fact that majority of the society favours an attractive spouse.
 
This was an excellent point. Let's sat that people can be "blinded" by the view so to speak. And thus don't look for better, more redeeming qualities. The many stories of someone, liking the "beautiful" one who turns out to have not so lovely qualities is quite abound. That if families do a bulk of the work then this may be one factor, but only one.  
When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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Israfil View Drop Down
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Originally posted by Hayfa Hayfa wrote:

And arranged marriages are also beneficial to the less priveleged, unattractive segment of the society. Its a fact that majority of the society favours an attractive spouse.
 
This was an excellent point. Let's sat that people can be "blinded" by the view so to speak. And thus don't look for better, more redeeming qualities. The many stories of someone, liking the "beautiful" one who turns out to have not so lovely qualities is quite abound. That if families do a bulk of the work then this may be one factor, but only one.  
 
 
I'm sorry Hayfa but that was not a good point. That is a superiority complex. Beauty is superficial and subjective. There is no "class of attractive and unattractive people" if there are, then we as a society establish them but these are arbitritious categories. I don't think it's a fact that physical attractiveness is the sole quality we all look for. Yes it is natural to want someone who is physically appealing, but i wouldn't go far saying it is general among everyone. To say people who are unattractive are less priviledged is also wrong. How in what way are they less priviledged? For example donald trump to some is very unattractive but is a billionare. How is he underpriviledged? I find that statement not excellent but horrible. attractiveness and unattractiveness are not classes.


Edited by Israfil - 08 July 2008 at 3:24pm
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