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polygamy.........????????

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abuayisha View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote abuayisha Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 April 2005 at 9:52pm

"...in keeping with the husbands duty to keep them all happy"

It is his duty to deal fairly with division of wealth and time, but happiness - impossible.

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SimplyMuslim View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SimplyMuslim Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 April 2005 at 10:32pm

Assalamu Alaikum,

"It is his duty to deal fairly with division of wealth and time, but happiness - impossible."

If that is truely the case, as you have stated brother, does it not go against what Islam teaches us in doing all that is possible to please your spouse? Is it fair to be able to crush the happiness of a first wife for no apparent reason in taking a second wife?

I understand that there are certain instances where a polygamous marriage is convenient and beneficial to those involved, and it is in those instances that I advocate them as Islam allows. But when in this day, there is really no great 'need' for more than one wife especially when there is absolutely nothing wrong with the first, I find it hard to swallow that it should happen. It can been seen as having your cake and eating it too.

My main concern is the seeming lack of regard for the feelings and emotions of the first wife. It is earth shattering when you do all you can to please your husband in every way possible, then he turns around and says 'Oh honey, Im thinking about getting myself another wife'. Walah I have the highest respect for those Muslimahs out there that get through it, they are usually much stronger in faith and have greater sabr through the trial that they face.

If, like most generally 'unfounded' needs to get a second wife, the reason is an untamed sexual desire (forgive my bluntness), and to prevent committing adultery, is it not kinder to his wife if the husband tries harder to focus on his Iman, not only for the sake of Allah (swt) but for her sake?

Either way its a difficult choice both to make and accept. I'm not totally against polygamy, but I do believe there is a time and place for it.

A greater teaching of how men can be better husbands to one wife needs to be spread before the teaching of polygamy as an option is sought out. In all this, the feelings of the first wife must surely count for something!

Thats my two cents for now, its early morning so I don't know if I have been coherent, may Allah (swt) forgive me for anything that I have said incorrectly.

Salam

 

 

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iman View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote iman Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 April 2005 at 11:47pm

salam, i red all your msgs & jazakala to all sisters & brothers for taking time & talking about my case. 

''now u said that he needs my Consent to have 2nd wife'' i really need the evedences for this bcose some1 told us that he does not need that &  he does not need to ask me even. but if some1 can find me the proove for this it will be helpful for me inshallah. another thing is that why dont i find some hadith that talks about weman in this case does that mean its not important wat we go throuw? and if i cant do it wat im i sopousd to do? when i think he will marry, i  feel better not to see him as soon as i see him i get upset & in a bad mood.

im sure there is some hadith about it, if u read anythgn please send it to me

i always thought that poligamy is allowd for special cases of marriege so man can be free to enjoi wife & kids. but if everthng is good then i dont get it.

in my case everthng is fine we have 2 beautiful kids alhamdulilah, he is happy with me for everthng. so why?????????he sais he loves me & he does not want to leave him. now he is trying to be more islamic so i will be happy with him more.....i dont know he just cunfuse me a lot & i dont know wat to think or do.............

anyway its nice to have you all & talk with u.

salams Iman

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote ummziba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 April 2005 at 5:59am

Dear Iman,

I really don't think you will find any "proofs" that say your husband needs your permission to marry another wife.  It is more a matter of his character.  Surely this is a trial for you both.  Allah will judge both of your actions when the Final Day arrives.  Be strong in your faith, pray to Allah for courage and strength to get through this trial.

I look at it this way: if your husband has no good or honourable reason for taking a second wife, but goes ahead anyway against your objections, all the blame is on him in Allah's eyes.

If you, on the other hand, keep your faith strong, treat your husband with kindness and respect, and be the best mother and wife you can be, all the grace and mercy of Allah must surely be on you.

This life is a trial, dear Iman, it isn't always easy, and can even be quite horrible.  However, try to keep in mind that the life you have is a gift from Allah, to show Him how you can be the best submitter to His will.  This life is fleeting and the next life, the afterlife, is the one that will remain for eternity, Allah willing.

Let's face it, all the honourable scholars are male.  Perhaps female scholars would have something different to say about polygamy.  Only Allah knows!  As it is, men will and can find many excuses to marry more than one wife.  Allah knows what is in the hearts and minds of all people, He is the best of judges.

(And please, before I get posts saying I must respect the scholars, I do!  I am only saying that they look at things from a male perspective!)

Perhaps this is not helpful at all, but I hope you can draw some small comfort in knowing that being the best Muslim you can be is the best course for you (or any one of us).  Yes, life can be trying, but think of the big picture and of who will look best on the Judgement Day, perhaps that will bring you a small joy to hold in your heart.

Most of all, keep in mind your children.  Try to do what is best for them.  Divorce is always a last option, but is the most dispicable of what is allowed by Allah.  Children need a stable, loving home with parents that love and protect them.

I pray that Allah grants you much courage and strength as well as great patience to endure what lies ahead.  Keep in touch so we know how things are going, dear!

Peace, ummziba.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words...they break my soul ~
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SimplyMuslim Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 April 2005 at 6:01am

Assalamu Alaikum Sister Iman,

I have to apologize for my earlier post sister. I thought that the husband needed the consent of the first wife; I was wrong as Abuayisha pointed out to me. JazakAllah brother for putting me straight on that point.

I too do not understand why a husband would want/need a second wife if everything is fine with the first, surely the respect and accountability of the first wife's feelings should outweigh the carnal desires of the husband. Some will argue that it is better than him committing adultery...in both cases the wife feels that she is/has 'shared' her husband.

Again I reiterate that there are many reasons why it is beneficial and agreeable to marry a second, third and/or fourth wife. However, the question is, when there is no valid reason for it, should it still be done? Does the need and benefit still exist to such a great extent?

The stipulation that the man must treat each wife equally in all respects is usually enough of a deterrent to the idea itself since it is difficult to do.

It is, again, a very difficult issue to deal with and not only for the wife I guess, the husband goes through emotional turmoil too...more than one wife?? One is usually enough to drive the sanest man mad!!

Salaam

 



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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SimplyMuslim Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 April 2005 at 6:06am

Assalamu Alaikum,

Ameen, Ummziba, MashaAllah your words are laden with wisdom.

Great advice for us all is contained within what you said.

May Allah (swt) bless us all in this life and the next!

Salam

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iman View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote iman Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 April 2005 at 11:15pm

salams, jazakala Khayrun to all & especily to ummziba.

ummziba all wat u are saying its right and i do think about that to be strong & excpt it but they are other reosons that i dont want to do it for him. my felings are broken so as the trust on him. im find it difficult living with him& not trus him. when he told for the firsttime  he wants to have 2wife (this was 3years ago) i told him. ok when the time comes i will try to do this for u. he was happy with me. but wat he did he went & propose one girl & just talking with her for long time & no marrige anywher.

now again resently he was seeing another girl & he intend to marry her. but bcose he is not ready fanacialy for that yet he was just talking to her every single day, msg, calls etc. i find this out & i was mad bcose this was his last chance with me as this happen before with some other girls. & he sais oppenly to me that i like this girla & i want to marry her. I ask him when, he sais i dont know but i want to do it my way. now he has realised throwgh me that wat he was doing all this time is wronge, he realised that there is no other way but Allah's way. i really talked to him isalmicly. he stoped talikng to her .....but i cant trust him anymore & bcose wat i have gone thrwogh i dont want to do this for him. i know u will say but u do it for Allah, but i cant. he hurt me so much & still he will get married??? no. he does not deserve it. i want to hurt him.     although he is very good to me.....bcose we are good to each other. & he gets very upset when he thinks that i will leave him.         &n bsp;       

anyway right now we are happy we act that we forgot everthgn. but when it will happen i dont know wat will happen...........inshallah khayr.

yes we will be in touch inshallah, its good to have u all alhamdulilah. with my family i cant talk about this, they are in albania & they cant understand this at all. islam is new there & they never practise poligamy.

love iman.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote ummziba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 April 2005 at 10:32am

Hello Iman,

It sounds like your husband has become more "religious" lately.  Perhaps things will be O.K.  Keep talking to him about Islam and Allah.  Don't think about revenge for what he has already done, dear.  Revenge may feel good at the time, but really, it will only hurt your own soul.

If he brings up the idea of another wife again, let him know, repsectfully, that you are against it and why.  Don't get mad or talk with disrespect.  Maybe, Allah willing, the two of you might be able to work this out.  I sure hope so.  My best to you and may Allah help you both see the right way through this.

Peace, ummziba.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words...they break my soul ~
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