Time Limit on Engagement?

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   Bismillahir rahmanir raheem 

As salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh:

My husband and I are divorcing after nearly 10 years of marriage. We separated, with my hope being reconciliation, but with his being divorce. He also reconnected with his high school girlfriend while we were separated and said some pretty harsh things to me, burning all bridges and any chance that we could ever reconcile.

Anyway, we met online and had only known each other about 2 months before getting married. He put on a good face, but underneath was nothing like he represented. My question is: How long can Muslims be engaged before marrying? Is there a time limit? I do not intend to get married again without knowing the brother for quite a while, to hopefully see all sides of the personality insha-Allah, ...and DEFINITELY do not intend to find my next spouse online!

Jazakallah khair,
Rashidah

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sr_rashidah Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Starter Female Joined: 10 May 2009 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 3	Post Options Post Reply Quote sr_rashidah Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Topic: Time Limit on Engagement? Posted: 12 May 2009 at 9:40am
	Bismillahir rahmanir raheem As salaamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh: My husband and I are divorcing after nearly 10 years of marriage. We separated, with my hope being reconciliation, but with his being divorce. He also reconnected with his high school girlfriend while we were separated and said some pretty harsh things to me, burning all bridges and any chance that we could ever reconcile. Anyway, we met online and had only known each other about 2 months before getting married. He put on a good face, but underneath was nothing like he represented. My question is: How long can Muslims be engaged before marrying? Is there a time limit? I do not intend to get married again without knowing the brother for quite a while, to hopefully see all sides of the personality insha-Allah, ...and DEFINITELY do not intend to find my next spouse online! Jazakallah khair, Rashidah

Chrysalis Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 25 November 2007 Status: Offline Points: 2033	Post Options Post Reply Quote Chrysalis Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 16 May 2009 at 2:11am
	Wa'alaikumsalaam Sister Rashidah, From an Islamic perspective - there really is no such thing as an 'engagement' - even if culturally it is acceptable - it is not recognized as anything 'official' in Islam. Ofcourse, you can meet and discuss future marital possibilities with a man - keeping within Islamic ettiquette. However, any short-term/long-term romantic nonmarital relationship is discouraged in Islam. For those cultures that do get engaged - Muslims should make sure that they do not meet in private, or date, or have any sort of even minimal physical contact. Also sister, there is no guarantee that a brother will not put on a 'good face' in an engagement also. Usually, in romantic relationships - both sides put on thier 'good face'. Things are starkly different when it comes to bieng actually married . . . that is when you know for sure. So, there will always be that 'risk' !
	"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."

sr_rashidah Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Starter Female Joined: 10 May 2009 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 3	Post Options Post Reply Quote sr_rashidah Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 16 May 2009 at 2:04pm
	Bismillahir rahmanir raheem Wa alaykum as salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh: Jazakallah khair for your reply. Yes, insha-Allah, it would simply be the period of discussing marriage within Islamic etiquette. And you are absolutely right that someone may be able to put on a good face longer than others. In any case, only Allah (SWT) knows what is in the heart, and sincere dua to Allah (SWT) asking for a good Muslim spouse is best. I guess I am just still feeling the burn of my marriage, but know that nothing happens without Allah (SWT)s permission and that good things have come from our relationship alhamdulillah. Insha-Allah, please make dua for me and all Muslims to obey Allah (SWT), ...and for those of us who are single, that Allah (SWT) bless us with and to be good spouses. :) Jazakallah khair, Rashidah

Hayfa Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Female Joined: 07 June 2005 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 2368	Post Options Post Reply Quote Hayfa Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 16 May 2009 at 5:35pm
	Aslaamm Alaikum, i agree with Chrysalis that its very hard knowing a person and people give the 'face' they want you to see. There is that risk. I teach self-defense and when dealing with women who have been abused (in nonMuslim life) who date or know them a long time before marriage.. people turn on a switch so to speak. I think of course one needs to rely upon Allah, but its also knowing what questions to ask.. it is hard to ever know anyone.
	When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi

Pati Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Female Joined: 10 April 2009 Location: Spain Status: Offline Points: 304	Post Options Post Reply Quote Pati Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 17 May 2009 at 4:36am
	Unfortunately, the relations between men and women are always difficult, apart from their religion. I know friends who after 12 years of relation, most of them living together, they got married and divorced in one or two years. I don't think that the decision of getting married is having a time, but a feeling. The most important of the engagement period is the conversation, and the feeling that you can be opened to the other person (at least, that's my opinion). If your partner seems to be perfect, be careful. If you need to lie to him or to be another person to keep him by you, be more careful. That's why I didn't have relations with any man before meeting the only one I met, because I didn't trust any man around saying beautiful words, or giving beautiful gifts. My ex-boyfriend and me we started just talking, and I can say that most of our conversations were lasting more than 7 hours (we didn't realize even the time, it was just burned!). After few weeks, we realized we were in love: I was not perfect, nor he was, but we were perfect for each other, what is the most important. The time to get married arrives when you know, first of all, that this decision is not going to hurt anyone, and secondly, you feel that you cannot live without the other person, and you will be able to make him/her happy. But you have to feel free to talk and act with him, if you don't feel this freedom, it's because the moment is not the right. Pati
	No God wants the killing, but the peace. The weapons are carried by people, not by religions.

Gibbs Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Guest Group Joined: 29 April 2009 Status: Offline Points: 939	Post Options Post Reply Quote Gibbs Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 17 May 2009 at 8:31am
	I'm sorry but how do "you know" when it is time to get married? If men and women are truly different, how can one "feel" the readiness of marriage from the other? My wife and I had a different experience. Although Islam discourages dating I had a positive experience. When I was dating my wife we spoke cordially and within our many discussions was the discussion of marriage. She did hint of marrying one day but that was pressured upon her. Since knowing each other (dating for approximately 1 year and a half) we married 1 year later. We didn't marry off the feeling that the other is ready. We eventually discussed whether we were ready. She assured me that she was, but I decided to surprise her later on some time (just to make sure if she really was) by popping the question at a romantic dinner (it was great!). So although I'm coming from a nonmuslim perspective judging by the woman's initally encounter with the man I have to say is (not talking anyone who found their spouse online) online dating is worse than dating in person in my opinion. It's worse because not only do you NOT see the persons facial expression, but its hard to tell who is who online. Also, and unfortunately there aree many men out there who scam women and those who use online services to be "playboys." There are many faces on the web. I would suggest to you to go to your local mosque and congreagate with the women there and if you havent made friends already, make some friends and ask them for a potential mate. Perhaps they will have someone more suitable for you. I sincerely hope you find what you are looking for. I did it is 5 years and going for me!

aizalea Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Starter Female Joined: 19 June 2009 Location: Indonesia Status: Offline Points: 3	Post Options Post Reply Quote aizalea Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 19 June 2009 at 9:56pm
	assalamu'alaykum... I just want to share what i know about this problem... As I know, there is a process before marriage in Islam called Ta'aruf. Woman and man who are going to get married are allowed to meet each other, of course not only the 2 of them. In ta'aruf, we may ask whatever we want about him and so do the man. About engagement...mmm...there's no such thing in Islam.. In Islam, there is a process called Khitbah. It's the process when man propose the woman officially to her family. The range between khitbah and marriage is not allowed to be more than 6 months to prevent fitnah.. that's all i know...

Shasta'sAunt Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Female Joined: 29 March 2008 Status: Offline Points: 1930	Post Options Post Reply Quote Shasta'sAunt Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 21 June 2009 at 5:09pm
	Assalamu Alaikum Sister: If you do plan to marry again I suggest finding a Wali, a guardian (so to speak) whose job it will be to check on the prospective Brothers and find out/verify as much about them as possible before you even meet them. It's amazing how much a good Wali, someone who truly has YOUR interest at heart, can find out when they set their mind to it. My Wali was the husband of my best friend, and he was very motivated to find a good husband for me.
	�No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.� Eleanor Roosevelt