Obligations to an Uninvolved Parent?

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   Salaam Alaikum everyone.  I am new to this forum and alhamdullah I'm a muslimah; a revert.  I wanted to ask if anyone could give some advice to me.  I really feel a lot of freedom from old pains and hurts in Islam.  It just makes a lot of things not so important to focus on the afterlife inshaAllah.  A lot of worldly things just become not worth my time and I can overlook many things.  

I've made some progress on this one issue in particular but i wanted to get some advice.  In Islam, alhamdullah, women and children are legally protected and given the best rights by Allah.  However, growing up, my experience with my own father was very much the opposite.  My parents were married when I was born but divorced very soon after and not on friendly terms.  My father chose to be uninvolved in my life on most levels though I have seen him a few times (like 2-3 times in about 18 years).  His family has been connected but I feel a pain in me that I'm not sure what to do with regarding his conscious lack of involvement in my life.  I feel like it's better to have a dead parent that one who is living but just chooses not to be around.  While I have found forgiveness and the ability to move on on certain levels there are aspects of growing up with this experience that I really find difficult to heal from.  Are there any passages in the Qu'ran or hadith that offer advice on this type of situation?  Currently I do not speak to my father and haven't done so in several years.  Is there any islamic obligation to do so on my part given the circumstances?  I actually did try and reach out a few years back to receive a hurtful and curt response that discouraged me from doing so further.  He claims to be some kind of a Christian and doesn't have a phone and lives out of state. Thank you so much in advance for any advice you may have.  Even when you think you are over certain things it keeps affecting you in new ways but my goal is just to do what is right inshaAllah even if it hurts my feelings.  

Edited by musulmana - 09 November 2011 at 8:10pm

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musulmana Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Starter Joined: 09 November 2011 Status: Offline Points: 2	Post Options Post Reply Quote musulmana Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Topic: Obligations to an Uninvolved Parent? Posted: 09 November 2011 at 8:00pm
	Salaam Alaikum everyone. I am new to this forum and alhamdullah I'm a muslimah; a revert. I wanted to ask if anyone could give some advice to me. I really feel a lot of freedom from old pains and hurts in Islam. It just makes a lot of things not so important to focus on the afterlife inshaAllah. A lot of worldly things just become not worth my time and I can overlook many things. I've made some progress on this one issue in particular but i wanted to get some advice. In Islam, alhamdullah, women and children are legally protected and given the best rights by Allah. However, growing up, my experience with my own father was very much the opposite. My parents were married when I was born but divorced very soon after and not on friendly terms. My father chose to be uninvolved in my life on most levels though I have seen him a few times (like 2-3 times in about 18 years). His family has been connected but I feel a pain in me that I'm not sure what to do with regarding his conscious lack of involvement in my life. I feel like it's better to have a dead parent that one who is living but just chooses not to be around. While I have found forgiveness and the ability to move on on certain levels there are aspects of growing up with this experience that I really find difficult to heal from. Are there any passages in the Qu'ran or hadith that offer advice on this type of situation? Currently I do not speak to my father and haven't done so in several years. Is there any islamic obligation to do so on my part given the circumstances? I actually did try and reach out a few years back to receive a hurtful and curt response that discouraged me from doing so further. He claims to be some kind of a Christian and doesn't have a phone and lives out of state. Thank you so much in advance for any advice you may have. Even when you think you are over certain things it keeps affecting you in new ways but my goal is just to do what is right inshaAllah even if it hurts my feelings. Edited by musulmana - 09 November 2011 at 8:10pm

lady Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 20 September 2006 Status: Offline Points: 314	Post Options Post Reply Quote lady Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 10 November 2011 at 5:58am
	Assalaamaoalaikum wrwb sister. I really love your id picture of the heart. how nice. Anyway I am sorry for your hurt. I definetely would advise you to be careful about allowing your mind to linger about how life for you would be if your father was not physically here. I know you love him much and that you want a better relationship with him. My husband reminds me sometimes that ,when you do something for people or anything then try not to expect anything from them in return. And that what you do in this life is for blessings. There are many reasons for this but one one is so that your heart and feelings will be protected against any assumptions you have of other people. Yes we do want to feel appreciated and loved from our family but if that person or anyone is not showing you love back and kindness then you can not force this to happen. I will encourage you to make dua for your father's happiness. Ask Allah for his forgiveness in your father's sins and your sins. Continue to ask Allah to make your relationship close with your father. Ask yourself were you also gentle with him when you talked to him last? Advoid questions like, "why dont you call me?" Maybe you can ask those type of queestions later when your relationship is better. Tell him that you miss him alot and that you are coming to see him or that you want to pay for him to come to see you. Look sister sometimes you have to be the one to intiate ways to make your relationship with him better even though you are the daughter. And I am sure that you want that reciprocated as well. You will get more blessings this way then to stay away from him. there are so many goals we should have for ourselves as muslims. One of those goals is to try to make peace with people especially our parents. Also to gather as many blessings we can get on this earth. Try to be the best muslim you can be regardless of what the other person is doing to you. I hope that you feel better. Also too everyone has some form of this relationship with someone in their family but there are alot of people who try to make the best out of that relationship even if it is not the relationship of their dreams.

abuayisha Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Muslim Joined: 05 October 1999 Location: Los Angeles Status: Offline Points: 5105	Post Options Post Reply Quote abuayisha Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 10 November 2011 at 6:31am
	In addition to the sound advice above, and by the way, I also like your heart avatar, you may want to begin offering small gifts along with notes of friendly greeting. He is likely fearful and needs non-judgmental encouragement from your end. Allah bless you for seeking to maintain family ties, and may He guide your dad to Islam.

musulmana Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Starter Joined: 09 November 2011 Status: Offline Points: 2	Post Options Post Reply Quote musulmana Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 10 November 2011 at 8:54pm
	thank you lady and abuayisha so much for your kind words and advice. it is definitely felt and much appreciated you are really helpful in making me see that the real focus is not my father at all but trying inshaAllah to receive the favor of Allah. How my father is or how he responds is truly not the issue and you've helped to point this out to me. I wasn't looking at it this way. Thank you both for shining your light and knowledge my way. Yes, inshaAllah that would be wonderful if my father one day became Muslim inshaAllah. xoxo, musulmana p.s. I'm happy you both like my avatar too!