heartbroken over a person. Need insight

I had a family friend from childhood who I got in touch with a year ago on fb. we started talking and realized how similar we were. Our talking became more constant to the point where we were talking everyday for hours and a few months later finally met for dinner, he bought me a book and we met a few times after at his cousins parties and moves. I started really liking him and the way he spoke to me constantly made me feel he felt the same way. I never realized how attached i got to him. His family lives in the states so even when he was there he would be texting me all the time until we both fell asleep. And yes we always flirted with one another. he would bring up marriage with me but in a joking or playful way so i wouldn't respond seriously either. i was waiting for him to ask my seriously. until a week ago he was the same with me, sending me kiss icons and calling me sweety. but one day all of a sudden texted me and told me he really wants to settle and have kids and if i like any of his cousins which i had met i can tell him. i was a little taken aback but said no i only liked him. a week after he came back from his trip he told me he found someone and got engaged and is getting married in the summer. i was so shocked i never even saw it coming. i then told him i really liked him to which he said he had no idea and that he didnt know i was into him. i couldn't find it in me to confront anything otherwise he would say its not like we were in a relationship. I have been crying every day since then, first regretting maybe i should have told him he really didn't know? i wasnt proactive enough or secondly he just stringed me along while he was seriously considering someone else? he then invited me to his wedding and said you are a good friend and i want to keep it that way, if anything he will be friends with my future husband.

how could he be flirting and talking to me for hours everyday for 1 year and then say i had no idea? he said i thought we were just having fun that i was strict about guys who occasionaly drank (which i said a long time ago) and he even told me after he's gonna stop after marriage which made me like him even more. But not to add drama in someone who is getting married's life i joked and said yea i will come to the wedding if i can dont worry and left it at that. but inside i am shattered.

i have been crying everyday since then, i hardly sleep at night. i know its too late and i should move on and know its not meant to be but that does not help. I dont know if this guy was really just having fun and didnt think of me or was intentionally doing this. if i knew he was seriously considering someone else i would have left his life a long time ago. not waited to find out on his engagement day. he still texts me jokes and stuff now and then to make sure we are cool. if he was just seeing and talking to me strictly as a friend why didnt he tell me he was considering another girl? friends tell friends that.

i want to confront him and tell him how could he do this. but i feel like i never earned that right, i was not his girlfriend and it's not like he ever told me we'd get married. the blame is all on me where i cant even say anything to him. and now it is killing me inside. i am really taking this very hard, i have made myself sick smoking, not eating or sleeping. my managers at work took me aside and asked me if i am ok because my eyes are always red and i dont even dress up to work anymore. i just feel so lost, hurt, confused by his actions and even if i should say anything to him because he got away without even knowing how much he impacted me.

Dear Heatbroken

I'm just guessing of course, but is he a US citizen? Are his parents originally from another country, and is that the same country where he met his fiancee? Are there many people in that country who are eager to migrate to the US? What repercussions would there be supposing he 'married into' a family which (a) is not from his parents' home country and/or (b) has already established a foot-hold in terms of US residency?

It's also possible that he thinks very highly of you - so highly that he cannot risk losing you, ever, for any reason. You'd be surprised how easily some guys can mis-interpret actual 'signals' as 'just my own over-active imagination' when there's such a lot at stake.

Sorry, it's not particularly comforting for you...
Maybe a hug would help.

It happens in most of the relationships where there is no religious bond. Man and woman ( who are not �mahrams�) are not allowed to contact, even through phone or any other media. If we are having something to tell we should tell it before the relationship grows to a stage which is not correct as per Islam.

Greetings Heartbroken,

I am not downplaying your strength of emotion, you are grieving, a natural process.  "This too will pass", to cite a famous quote.

You say;
"its been 2 months and i have not improved, cant focus at home, work anywhere, still crying, i hate hearing the words marriage, wedding spouses husband wife drives me crazy!! if you guys have tips, please share. :("

and to this, I tell you... you are not putting God and His will at the center of your life.  He is the answer.  You must make Him your focus and trust Him for the rest.  I wish you peace,
Caringheart

It is hard being young.


Edited by Caringheart - 21 February 2013 at 10:24pm