I am a second wife and I feel ashamed

Assalamu Aleikum, dear sisters.

I want to ask you for advice as I am confused and feel that I do bad things, but still the story drags on.

I am a newly converted Muslim and I hope to become really strong in my belief and behavior. Ethnically, I am very far from Islamic world and was brought up in a Christian-atheist environment, which is typical for Europe. However, later on I studied Islam at university and then took up a job in one of the Gulf countries. There I was blessed to get to know more Muslims and appreciate this beautiful and true religion even though it was not an easy way.

I used to work with one Muslim man who I regarded as a very religious, honest and decent person. He was married with kids so I never even thought about him as a potential husband. I was not Muslim at that time. However, after some time he approached me and offered to become his second wife. First of all, I was shocked, then we talked a lot, he described Islam, expressed his wish that I should become Muslim and I somehow started to give up. I believe the reason was my strong desire to have family and children and I knew that unlike most of men from my culture, he would not leave me one day and would want a lot of children. In the West, the notion of having lots of kids is usually frowned upon, but this has been my long-standing dream. So I finally agreed to marry him but insisted that his first wife should give her approval, which she did not. Thus, we stopped our communication and I started to forget this story feeling ashamed of the pain I inflicted on his wife. I even dated another man who was not Muslim but these relationships did not work out at all.

Nearly a year and a half afterwards we met again as I agreed to work for his new company. I would not have agreed had I suspected that we could ever bring up the old and seemingly forgotten question of marriage again. But this was in fact his aim while offering me a job. At the moment his wife and children live in their home country as his job implies frequent travelling and it is easier for his family to live with their relatives. After a month of our communication I agreed to become his second wife without the knowledge of the first one. I believe that the main trigger was my desire to embrace Islam and live a life of a devote Muslim woman. This is complicated to me without a Muslim husband as my friends, parents, everyone I know would put pressure on me and maybe potentially turn away. Moreover he is very knowledgeable about Islam and I hoped to learn a lot from him.

We�ve been married for a very short time now, but I feel that I did an awful mistake. First and foremost, being a secret second wife is shameful, I feel that I betray his first wife (who I even used to know and she was very kind to me) and kids. He is not a rich man and I feel that I do not have any right to ask him for anything and that he should dedicate himself to providing for his real family, not me. I need to work to provide for myself and I really do not feel like I have any rights at all. I haven�t told my parents about him and I can�t imagine how I can ever bring up this subject. Moreover, I believe that he does not care about me personally, that he chose me out of convenience and to accomplish my conversion to Islam. I feel that the physical part of relations is overwhelming in his attitude and this really repulses me. Shouldn�t there be spiritual connectedness and understanding? But he claims that all women are similar and the main feature in a wife is her strong belief and the following of Islamic precepts. As for my feelings, I do not love him, easily get irritated and at times do not care at all about him.

I feel that our relationships are unhealthy, at least in my perception, I feel ashamed of myself, but we work together, need to travel together, I can not just leave. Finding a new job can be very difficult for me. And I also think that maybe I need to be more patient and get distracted from my desires. Maybe obedience in my marriage will lead me closer to God and his pleasure.

Sorry for having written so much. But I really-really feel lost and would appreciate your opinion.

Wa-aleikum al-salam, dear Chrysalis.

Thank you so much for our advice, it really is comforting to read your reply. JazakAllah Khair.

At the moment I am trying to practice patience and obedience to make this marriage work. Probably breaking up after such a short period is not wise. I really want to be a better Muslim and a better wife, reading Quran or books about Islam helps, but still I lack patience and easily get irritated. My husband seems to have become a bit more attentive and interested in me, my thoughts, my life in general these last days. Maybe our marriage can still turn out well.

Another point concerns the concept of the 2nd wife: being one, I have embraced this idea for myself, but I fear that still a lot of women frown upon second wives and regards them as mistresses who steal husbands from the first lawful wives. I am grateful that you did not express this opinion. But still I feel ashamed to tell anyone that I am the second wife meaning that I do not say about my marriage at all.

I went back to re-read your post, and I have a feeling that you DO want a separation, but you want somebody to tell you you're making the right decision? You do mention you are confused and that you realize you made an awful mistake. I am personally try not tell people ''do this'' or ''do that'' online because these are serious decisions that the person needs to make themselves. Nobody on an online forum can tell you ''get a divorce'' because that's a huge responsibility to take up.

However, re-reading the things you wrote, I am left wondering, why are you still in this marriage? If a man is THAT shady & horrible, is he REALLY WORTH sharing???? The only scenario where I can even remotely imagine being a co-wife is with a wonderful, amazing, one-in-a-million guy who is worth the ''pain'' of being a co-wife. Otherwise, why SHARE a guy that's not even half a man in the first place????

Muslima Jadida wrote: Assalamu Aleikum, dear sisters. I want to ask you for advice as I am confused and feel that I do bad things, but still the story drags on.

I believe the reason was my strong desire to have family and children and I knew that unlike most of men from my culture, he would not leave me one day and would want a lot of children.

What makes you think you cannot have a big family? There are so many fish in the sea, and fish you won't have to share. Your local masjid may have a match-making service. If not, try the various online options! halfourdeen.com is a very nice marriage platform.

In the West, the notion of having lots of kids is usually frowned upon, but this has been my long-standing dream.

You can find many converts or born single muslims who share that dream.

I believe that the main trigger was my desire to embrace Islam and live a life of a devote Muslim woman. This is complicated to me without a Muslim husband as my friends, parents, everyone I know would put pressure on me and maybe potentially turn away. Moreover he is very knowledgeable about Islam and I hoped to learn a lot from him.

If he is so knowledgable about Islam, why is he being so hurtful & deceitful? A knowledgable muslim would not pursue women in his office for a 2nd marriage, and keep his family in deceit while he enjoys a secret 2nd life.

Many people around us ''SEEM'' knowledgable and devout, but they are fake. A devout muslim's muslimness will show in his honesty, character, behavior. Not on what he SAYS or what he looks like. Actions speak louder than words. If he were truly a good muslim, he wouldn't be running around chasing women at work with a family back home.

You don't need a man to be a devout muslim woman. You will need to make that journey on your own, regardless of a husband. You have the resources around you, learn on your own. Ask scholars and teachers for help.

We�ve been married for a very short time now, but I feel that I did an awful mistake.

I believe you have your answer.

I haven�t told my parents about him and I can�t imagine how I can ever bring up this subject. Moreover, I believe that he does not care about me personally, that he chose me out of convenience and to accomplish my conversion to Islam. I feel that the physical part of relations is overwhelming in his attitude and this really repulses me.

Can you imagine a life where your kids are forced to live a secret life of shame? If you are planning on having a family, how will this secret arrangement work out???

Shouldn�t there be spiritual connectedness and understanding? But he claims that all women are similar and the main feature in a wife is her strong belief and the following of Islamic precepts. As for my feelings, I do not love him, easily get irritated and at times do not care at all about him.

I feel that our relationships are unhealthy, at least in my perception, I feel ashamed of myself, but we work together, need to travel together, I can not just leave. Finding a new job can be very difficult for me. And I also think that maybe I need to be more patient and get distracted from my desires. Maybe obedience in my marriage will lead me closer to God and his pleasure.

Thats the silliest reason to stay married..... finding a new job will be difficult??? You will find a new job! how were you faring before he came into the picture? Allah is the Provider.

You know what you should do sister.... re-read your own posts.

Dear sisters, thank you so much for your replies, I can't overstate their meaning for me at this time of uncertainty. I constantly ask Allah (swt) to guide me and help me make a right choice.

Probably in my first post I exaggerated my husband's negative features because I was too upset at that time. Actually, I believe he cares, maybe not the way I would dream my husband to care, but at least he does not treat me lightly and understands that he has responsibilities towards me. There is no romantic love in our relationships, but probably, as Rofexa notes, another kind of love and affection may grow over time.

As for the question of his first wife, as he once tried to talk to her about 2nd marriage and she rejected the idea, he does not want to bring it up again, at least for some time. He is ready to disclose our marriage to everyone except his wife. This really is the point that hurts me most as I do not want to be the reason of her suffering. And me personally, I am not sure if I would be able to tolerate the 2nd wife. Yet, Islam permits the concept of polygyny, therefore, maybe this is just jealousy that has to be tamed? My husband claims that a man is not obliged to inform his wife/ves about a new marriage and a woman can be happier staying in the dark at least at the initial stage. I should sound horrible, do I? But I am just trying to make out the right path based on what Allah (swt) prescribed to us and not on our own wishes and desires.

Dear Chrysalis, you made very precise remarks based on my story. Yet, as I have explained, probably I exaggerated the situation in my original post. I am attracted to this man in some way, I find it very easy and natural to talk to him about any matter and he really is patient with me even when I get irritated. Yes, chasing women at work is by far not decent, but at least he offered me marriage from the very start and wanted me to be his legal wife and a good Muslim. Am I fooling myself now into believing him to be better than he really is? Maybe, I am not sure.

I am still so hesitant, I do not have enough determination to quit. Of course, I do not plan to bring children into this now, as you both advise. Maybe I need more time to understand.

Thank you so much once again, may Allah (swt) bless you and your families.