marriage without sex

We have been married for 10 years, have two children together. Since the birth of my youngest, my wife has lost her sex drive.
I gave her time, spoke to her about my desires and have been patient. She understands that I have needs that need to be fulfilled. And it is not in my nature to force myself upon her.
Ours is not yet a hopeless situation, there is always hope for everything.

Here's my concern, I recently listened to an Islamic lecture part of it was concerned martial relationship and why it has been ordered for Muslims to be married. So that they can act out their sexual urges with their Halal partners.

So given the biology of a woman, menopause or hormonal changes after child-bearing etc., she loses her interest in sex. What is the husband to do? I understand that therapy or medication might be needed. But until that point what is man supposed to do when he has those urges.

I understand that at the time of the Prophet pbuh, they had slave girls and the spoils of war which men could use to satisfy their urges. But times have changed, that is not an option. And neither is masturbation.

What is a man supposed to do in such a situation?

On a side note; would the wife be punished for not letting her husband have intercourse with her?

Thanks for reading, I realize that the answer to most of your questions is yes but I�ve broken it down anyway.

when was the last time you arranged for childcare in order to take her on an evening or day outing?

Last time we visited our home country, we got plenty of chances to leave the kids with grandparents and aunts while we went on date nights.

Have you considered hiring help for her inside your home?

Living in the States, it�s not cheap to hiring help. Plus, then she wouldn�t have much to do in the free time.

Do you help her with chores at home?

Yes, I help her whenever I can, doing dishes, cleaning meat etc.

If she lives away from her family, how often are you arranging for her to visit her parents?

When we used to live in our home country, she would go visit her parents every week. Living abroad, and by the grace of Allah being able to afford it, I arrange for her and the kids to visit our home country almost every year.

If she doesn't work or have personal wealth, are you providing funds for her to purchase new outfits for dressing up at home?

Yes, she can purchase shoes and outfits whenever she pleases. I also tend to buy her expensive perfumes and outfits as gifts.

Are you making sure you have proper hygiene and grooming, as well as allowing for proper foreplay prior to relations?

Yes. I am all for foreplay. In fact, I like foreplay better than the actual deed.

Does she have interests that aren't being fulfilled because of the children that you can help her realize?


Her main interests have become raising the children. Other than that, I always encourage her to bring back the old interests she used to have, art, books etc.

Are you taking walks with your wife as a form of exercise and enjoyment?

We do go on hikes along with the kids on weekends. During the week it�s not possible.

Are eating habits not healthful and balanced?

She�s has a very healthy diet.

Are there any causes for underlining resentments in this relationship?

Not that I am aware of. I try to be very communicative and always inquire if there is anything that is bothering her in our relationship so that we can work together to fix it.

Perhaps something you have said or didn't say. Are you overly critical, and not sufficiently praising her for all the good qualities she possesses.   

She gets conscious of the weight she put on after our youngest was born. I always try to convince her that that�s not really true, that she�s not gotten fat or anything and that I really find her the most attractive woman ever.

Agreed. And like I mentioned earlier, I just need to be patient.

My main concern/question was that what is the husband to do while going through such a situation until the matter is resolved. Allah has created man this way; and to curb urges, marriage has been made the solution. But what if the marriage is not the solution for some situation. What then?

You sweet brother, your story made me sad, such a nice man you seem, I know how you feel I am a divorced women