Polyamory Experience, Polygyny & Future

Fellow scholars, brothers and sisters,
I testify that there is only one God (Allah) and Muhammad (PBUH) is the last messenger. Forgive me if I say things incorrectly, but know that I am trying to return to the right path as much as possible...

I grew up a white american christian, non-denominational, and now an US military, revert. I have been married 10 years to another Muslim woman and have two blessed kids. The following is a letter I was intending to my wife which turned out to be a letter spoken to the world/Allah. I changed the document for privacy purposes and bounce between first-person and third-person writing styles. Bismillah:


Timeline:
In 2007, I was American dating my future wife without knowing we would be getting married. Being lonely, horny and naive in college, I was taken advantage of by a woman in the dorms (cheating on my girlfriend, future wife). I made decisions to be free sexually after that and she left me.

In 2008, you had left my life for nearly a year and, in the meantime, I researched Islam and was soul searching. I reverted by the end of the year.

In 2009, we came together this time talking religion and marriage was first and foremost. From the start we worked on marriage contract. I ventured the idea of a weight so that I could enforce you taking care of yourself. Only for that to be held against me the next 10 years. We funded the wedding despite having little money or support from friends and family, barely having my parents blessing. Then we married and I nearly had to beg you to have sex with you on our wedding night. Immediately had an unplanned pregnancy the next year while I was still in school. The next 3 years would be battles between you and my mother for attention and my dad accepting me for leaving Christianity. I was content for a time between us. We were a team, and found refuge in each other when the world was hard on us. I loved my wife with little complaints and gave much thanks.

In 2012, our relationship started breaking down because her priorities became the kid and I was in stressful school/work time for me, we didn’t know how to speak each other love languages, only our own. I had sexual needs not being met because her upbringing was vastly different from my own in this area. (Hers traditional middle-eastern, mine was progressive American/S. American). Up into our first deployment, we fought and fought almost weekly about sex, religion, parents, and money. My wife held sex from me, used sex as a weapon, or just didn’t feel like it. This made me suffer, feeling pain and lonely. My lover turned into a roommate with kids. My deployment, I suffered from the feeling of loss (distance separation), the knowledge of what I was going back into, stress of my family, and neglect of touch. I would be ripping the hair out of my head, crying daily, trying to calm my desires by myself with little satisfaction. I found a possible outlet to be another person.

In 2016, I returned from the deployment and for a time things were good. My thoughts never ventured outside our marriage. Soon realized we had to re-date. But after trying to rekindle for a year, we were breaking down.

In 2017, I had heavy workloads again with work AND working even harder to make career progress at work to better the family. You had medical issues that slowed you down that could have been avoided with better psychical health. And as my counselor (of two years) explained in short terms, we were having a power struggle. You took mine, and I gave it easily. We began to fight over EVERYTHING: family, parenting, politics, religion, sex, finances. Who would win? Wife, wife, wife. Sexual frustration was physically killing me to where I cursed you. Hoping angels would give you nightmares. Problem was, there were kind/normal and attractive people out there that were interested in a giving few moments of intimacy, no questions asked. I was wanted and craved for 15-30 minutes and it cleared my mind for a week! My cold heart didn't feel regret or remorse. We were having a power struggle, but I chose to take some power back in my life like a coward. I started learning and adapting to infidelity as my outlet. And for over 12 months and 12 partners of infidelity, the sexual stress was relieved between us and peace came to our home.

In 2018, one woman in particular was aimed to change our lifestyle. Being a weak and cowardly man, lust with her had me listening to her. She brought to light the ignorance of my actions and showed herself as the answer. I acknowledged my cowardly actions and wanted to get my life back. My answer was to end the marriage. Simply put, my wife (and I) lost her passion for Allah, life, and her desire for me over the years and our paths in life weren’t the same. Our marriage door was closed, and I wanted to try a new one. The mistress decided to push the situation for her own desires. And she did so maliciously, without caring about anyone or anything in her path to get what she wanted. Took everything she knew and made it a weapon against my wife. Torturing my wife psychologically, while my wife tried to win my heart back. Unfortunately, my wife tried leaving her comfort zone (religion), participating in deviant sexual acts solo, and with me, to include extra-marital relationships. Time revealed everyone’s hearts and intentions; their true colors revealed themselves to me over time. My wife won me over by "killing with kindness", forgiving me while the mistresses turned out to be an ugly, horrible person. Honesty and transparency in our marriage became our defining trait that brought us back together.

Current Events:
The summer of 2018, we were both recovering from being in dark places, not a trace of Islam in our lives. We were both still sexually illicit, everything was an option, no rules. This presented the option of my wife to have a female friend and me to have a “play toy”. This met both our “wants”. Our "unicorn", which I will call, "Ms. K" came along. We had learned from our deviant acts that rules and expectations should be set on the table like a business agreement. Things worked very smoothly. Ms. K was amazing in every way. Connected with my wife in her way, connected with me in my way. Four months later, my wife and Ms. K developed “love” and this changed the relationship into a "closed polyamorous relationship". By December, I was saying love and my wife agreed on a individual relationship between Ms. K and I. January, my wife began having problems of jealousy. Ms. K was in the middle of a nearly 4 year divorce and wasn't filing the paperwork in her own set timeline and this made my wife and I start to question how low our morals had gotten. My wife struggled with me spending the night elsewhere, Ms. K and I having private conversations became an issue, and some early lies from Ms. K in the beginning were revealed.

We started calling ourselves, the "throuple". My wife would defend the throuple idea, then was against the throuple, then for the throuple, then against the throuple. Wife started holding me to a married standard, fighting with me over my lack of commitment. Compensating for our near divorce a year prior. She pushed for progress in our relationships. Pushing limits. Fights were weekly. Ms. K would step away for a relationship break. Later, I would back off for a break. Wife would call me an horrible names, call me a fool! She bashed my devotion and took it as my commitment to her being threatened when I debated keeping Ms. K around.

But coming back together as a throuple wasn’t the same anymore. Throuple had some big issues by now. We went to throuple counseling. I had to be the strong one, balancing everyone out. Ms. K and wife polarized (disagreeing on everything). And me, committed and believing and fighting for the bigger picture and being the "strong leader". Wife was no longer being honest and transparent, but lying and shutting down. We were feeling the perks and pain of poly life, and that pain became normalized to me. "Divorce" and "separation" was mutually agreed to be taken off the table. It was "Ride or die". We were “family” until we weren’t a “family” to my wife though.

I was living like a child between two divorced parents and started accepting that. The beginning of the June, I finally felt like things were stabilizing. Couple trip expectations were discussed. I’d have a date with Ms. K, then I’d try with my wife but it was hard, like pulling teeth, to get her to cooperate. I’d take Ms. K on a cheap weekend trip and my wife would cancel our most important week long, 10 year, anniversary trip to the tropics.

Then I find out, my wife was faking/lying herself sexually to keep me for over a year. And I give her a perfect, loving, inviting, supportive response. Ms. K also having her own feeling and hurt by the start of her relationship also being intimate with her. Meanwhile, since day one Ms. K has said she had no interest in marriage. That was my biggest hurtle if the relationship was to make it long term and return to the righteous Islamic path. She made it there mid June. Committed whole-heartedly, engagement level status, to me as a married Muslim man.

Apparently though, my wife had been “dropping hints” since January for it not working out. But now June, wife has had enough and its her turn for a "seperation/break". But her “break” or “slowing down” didn’t go as planned. She is using her wife powers to dissolve the throuple, making me choose between them. And me, listening to that, ride or die, family mentality, now is unable to choose from them, but choose both equally. Something that I now find is my rightful calling, most pleasing to Allah. Not the easy answer. And the answer where I am capable of losing them both.

Now wife was quick to get into the worst fights of our lives, loosing her mind, threatening to do anything and everything under the sun to be monogamous with me. To expose my actions to family and friends, villianizing me and villianizing Ms. K. But also followed with, she doesn’t know what she wants and needs to gather herself. So no, I don’t think that the majority of our time spent should be thrown away because of one day's fight. Especially because she started burning the emotional bridge for Ms. K to return and burning my bridge to return. Can my wife and I even return to monogamy now?

Ms. K is sad with my wife because of the names called, words twisted, cherry picking when she reads our private messages, and just straight up cruelty she has given her. Ms. K has never asked for monogamy, never been unsupportive of my wife and I, hardly even down talked my wife, and never asked me to choose.


Scholars, brothers/sisters, imam/shiekhs...
This brings me to current day. Over the past two weeks, my wife and I were in a separation period. Sharing custody of the kids and calming down. Our anger started breaking things around the house. She would get physical with me then I defend myself and she gets hurt and claims I "attacked her". This separation has us going to the local Masjid, talking to therapist, family, imam/shiekh, as well as online research (why i am here).

I have introduced Ms. K (agnostic/christian) to Islam since December 2018. I let her know what I was doing was far from religious. It's been 2 week now that she has accepted the idea of being my second wife, as long as she is treated EQUALITY that she sees within the religious boundaries. She is now very intrigued in Islam, participated a bit in Ramadan actually, meditated with me while I prayed. Ms. K wants to marry and be a more pious woman herself, including putting boundaries on our sexuality to stay together.

The mutual goal for my wife and I is to return to the basics of Islam and bring in Ms. K, righteously, as my second wife. I am looking for rights and responsibilities of a polygyny relationship. How funds and time should split when I have two kids with my wife and Ms. K has two kids from another marriage. Differences in treatment between one wife from the next. Does my first wife get privileges my second doesn't? More financial split to my wife with kids compared to Ms. K?