I Need Help

Salaam all,

I just joined this forum to get your honest opinions and advice. I had no idea there were so many Islamic forums mashaallah.

So, this is going to sound crazy to most of you but it is the truth. I have been married for 4 years now. My husband traveled for his work a lot, so we were long distant for a long time. I enjoyed our time together when he came home. Then, one day his flight was cancelled and he ended up staying way longer than usual and that is when I realized how much I loved the long distance thing. I missed being on my own. I missed having the house to myself, doing whatever I felt like without having to consider him and include him in everything I do. I know I know this sounds selfish. But I recently found out that I am genuinely happier when I am without my husband. He is not a bad guy or a possessive guy or controlling or abusive. None of that. He is amazing and sweet but I rather not live with him. I think I am a better wife to him when we were long distant.
Now, we have a baby and I really thought this would change my mind and that living together is the best but it has been 3 months since and OH MY Allah I am going crazy! I dread dread when he gets off work and is on his way home. And I feel such great relief when he leaves for the day to work!! I mean real Relief!! That can�t be normal!!!!
I just don�t him around. I will be happy to see him maybe once a month and that is enough for me. Forget about being intimate, I dread that even more. Since, having the baby, I have been sleeping in the nursery with the baby. Before the baby I used to come up with excuses like the bedrooms are too hot or too cold in the winter, the living room is more comfortable. But now that we have a baby, he is always my excuse. It is getting pretty old.
We talked about the intimacy issue and i tried my best but at the end of the day I don�t want to be next to him. Again it has nothing to do with him. It is all me. I Just want to be anywhere else in the world instead of living with him. It is so weird. I fantasize about buying a plane ticket one day and taking my baby with me and starting a new life somewhere else. And the thing is even if my husband divorces me, I don�t think I will ever want to get married again. Even if I do it would be for a purpose of having more children maybe but only for that. Never someone who would actually want to live with us. I don�t know why, but I crave not being involved with Anyone. I just want to be with my kid and work and of course my family and friends. I don�t want to be in a marriage. I don�t want to share my life with anyone but my kid. This is not hormones talking from having a baby, I have always felt this way. Having a baby was the best thing that has ever happened to me AlxamduliAllah I would not give that up for the world but the husband part, it is just so sad. It is sad because I know I will never make him happy. He deserves someone that will.

Sorry about the long rant...I just had to share it 😟