forgiveness

Asalamu Alaykum

This might seem like a stupid question but I need to know so... 

I am having a hard time with asking for forgiveness or repenting. It's just that I have asked for forgiveness and stopped doing what I know is haram (ie drinking alcohol and smoking no longer a part of my life at all) but what I still am very troubled with is how our deeds are counted.

I mean every single bad thing we have ever done we will be held accountable for right? Well, I just can't even remember all of the bad things I have done. Its really hard for me to even wrap my head around that concept-- all of our deeds. Everytime I gossiped or lied or disobyed my parents. I mean I have done millions of things that are wrong. Do I just pray for forgiveness collectively for all the bad I have done or do I have to recall everything (the best I can) and ask for forgivess for things individually.

I really need help with this. I can't get through a single prayer without crying because I feel so guilty and because I am afraid that I have done too much wrong. I won't be able to ask for forgiveness for everything before I die.    

Jazzakallah khair

Dear Hope,

None of us are perfect. We all make mistakes and god knows if and when he chooses to forgive us. We need to recognize the divinity in all of us and pay respect to it. Your conscience is your friend in a situation like this.

Many times when we sin, we wrong someone. That someone may refuse us forgiveness, even if we ask for it. And god is inscrutable. So the only logical choice that I see is that I forgive myself. Sounds self centered, but remember that I have that spark of divinity in me, no matter what kind of lowliest of the low scumbag I may be. One may call it soul or the humanity that is manifest in all of us (or Allah if you prefer). I need to respect that spark and stop punishing myself. Only way to do that is to forgive myself, with the resolution that I will be a better person next time.

Forgiveness is very powerful. I must forgive myself and those who have wronged me. I must remember that hatred is an enemy that conspires to haunt me 24x7, unlike the more humanly ones (paraphrased from a book by Dalai Lama).

Hope this helps.

Human

jezekullah khair. I am very comforted by what you all have written. I was just so filled with guilt and I think I will be some time before I forgive myself and stop feeling ashamed. But, Allah (swt) is more compassionate and forgiving than I am. He is the most compassionate and forgiving. Alhamdulailah