REAL NOTES IN PATIENT’S MEDICAL RECORDS

(I wonder if the doctors accidentally dictated these idiotic notes, or the transcriptionist's brains were "out to lunch" when she transcribed them.)

DOCTORS NOTES ON PATIENTS CHARTS
     (ACTUAL NOTES--UNEDITED!):

 1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a
    year

 2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it
    disappeared completely.

 3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband
    states she was very hot in bed last night.

 4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me
    in 1997.

 5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly.  She also 
    appears to be depressed.

 6. Discharge status:  Alive but without permission.

 7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert
    but forgetful.

 8. The patient refused an autopsy.

 9. The patient has no past history of suicides.

10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably 
    insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past
    three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady 
    pregnant.

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you
    might like to work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,
    until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for
    physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a
   job as a lawyer instead.

27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we
    should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

30. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.