I feel like I don't have friends anymore.

Assalamualaikum sisters,

I am not usually a person who tries to spread negativities to others but lately I've been a little sad. I will be 28 years old this year, never had any relationship (which I don't really care about anymore lol) and not much friends. I guess I do have friends that I'm not close to, the hi and bye kind but not proper close friends or confidantes.

Being an introvert does not really help to and I do have slight trust issues when it comes to forging new friendships. I do make some friends at work but due to trust issues and lacking of confidence, I never really attempt to ask any of them out or even make an attempt to know them better. I felt that people my age usually have their group of friends already or at least their own bff so even if they are no close to me, it's not like they need another friend.

I know I shouldn't think like that and I should probably give them and myself chance to know each other but because of what my own friends did to me, I guess I am scared to get abandoned if I happen to get close to someone.

I had 4 friends whom I was quite comfortable to be around with. M, R, Z and A. I've known M since we were 15 years old but she got married really young and had kids so her priorities shifted to her own family instead which I am fine. I met S when we were 19 years old, we were classmates and because we shared the same interests, we got along well. Z and I met when I was working as a temporary staff in a company 2 years after I met S. S was working there too so she knows Z as well. R however, I met her when I was around 24 years old.

I guess I got a little depressed lately due to recent events. R has always had a habit of spending too much and due to family issues, she has financial problems. She borrowed money from me from time to time and there was this one time where she disappeared after she borrowed money from me, disappeared from whatsapp, ignored me in normal texts. I was so angry cause I didn't understand why she needed to do that. I was happy to be friends with her but when she ran away from me, I felt disappointed. I wasn't even asking her to return my money too. Recently, a few weeks back, she whatsapped me again, asking to borrow my money. She used to say that her future husband is rich and that is good for her but why is she always looking for me when it comes to money? I felt that she is only friends with me cause I'm financially "stable".

But I guess what affected me the most are my friendships with S and Z. S don't even wanna go out with me anymore I suppose, S has always been negative due to her family problems and I try my best to be encouraging. But due to my own personal problems, I don't have enough motivation to be encouraging to her as I was feeling down myself. We don't really text anymore for a month, and when I text her to confide, she don't even reply. Lol. Well. You reap what you sow I guess. And when I ask her out, she just avoided going out with me. But when Z ask her out lol, she immediately go out. Z too, everytime I ask her out, she's busy. Well okay. I guess I felt betrayed. I haven't seen Z for a year and I thought I was closer to Z compared to how S is to her, guess I thought wrong lol. Bet they had fun yesterday with each other hahaha.

I don't even know what was the point of me saying all of these but I guess I needed someone to talk to. I'm not saying I'm right, I probably did something wrong somewhere too. But, I really want to have loyal friends. Friends that don't do things sneakily behind my back.