I am white British, and converted to Islam 4 years ago. I was so happy, but my life completely changed because I became a muslim. I moved away to a big city, with nothing, but gradually adapted to my new life. I found work and somewhere permanent to life. I was then 42. I met a Pakistani man who became my friend. I dreamed that I would marry him, but I didnt tell him for fear of sounding foolish. After a year we married, both legally and Islamically. I thought life was as perfect as it could be. We both worked hard. He had a large family in Pakistan that he needed to support because he was the oldest son and his father had died years before. SO I knew he had many responsabilites. Last year we both felt that it would be better for him to return to Pakistan to get his spouse visa there, as there were some difficulties getting it here. It is long and complicated. He returned to his country and was there for 6 months, returning last December. It was very difficult without him. I felt that something wasnt quite right. On his return I place the Quoran in his hand and asked him if he had another wife. He replied that he had. I was shocked but also not surprised. This year has been very hard for me. He returned to Pakistan again in May for 4 weeks. He contacted me very little. When he came back I was in a bad way. We argued, and it resulted in me asking him to leave, so I could have time to think. I never intended it to be longterm. However, we are now in October. I moved away from the city to be nearer my family. He understood my reasons, and he has visited me weekly for a few hours. We both love eachother, that has never been an issue, but I am still on my own. He has again returned to Pakistan, this time for 6 weeks. I find it very hard. He has said when he returns to England this time that he will move to be with me, and work locally. I have accepted the fact he has another wife, even tho' it is hard to share him. I have always desperately wanted to go to Pakistan with him, because I believe his family are now also mine, despite the culture difference. But I have never been to Pakistan. And this hurts me. Also I dont know if I am wife no1 or wife no 2, as he does not directly tell me the truth. My suspicions are that he was already married. Knowing which I am would not make any difference. I dont want us to be separate, I dont want a divorce, and neither does he. How can I resolve my situation? My western feeling and upbringing tell me to move forward in life without him, however my faith and love for him tells me I must not part from him. I have been married before, but this muslim husband is so special that I cant bear to think of a life without him. He has never been cruel to me, but his deceit has left me feeling hurt. Can I trust this man? Sometimes I think he has used me. But I know his conscience is pricking at him. He tells me not to worry, that he is always with me. I dont believe he is a bad man deep down, just someone who has done some bad things, that have made life complicated. Can anyone offer any suggestions please? Can I just add that I have accepted the other wife. But the problem comes more from me wanting to be accepted by his family. In Islam I am right in thinking that there is no caste system? So I find it hard to understand why I cannot be accepted in the asian culture. My husband wants to keep both lives/wives separate, but is he right to do this? I keep thinking about the Prophet Muhammed, peace be upon him, and his example to us. I dont want any problems, I jyst want us all to be friends. Is that to much to ask?

I certainly feel your pain and anxiety.  It is so sad that men are fickle and deceitful.  Unfortunately it has been my experience that men like your husband marries Western ladies out of convenience while they are abroad studying and/or trying to achieve citizenship, only later to return for their wife or to marry inside their own culture leaving a wreck of emotions and destroyed relationships behind.  I suggest that you gather your strength to consider carefully � using your head and not your heart, deciding whether to stay or leave.  Forget the idea that his other wife and family will ever accept you, this is extremely rare.  Based upon what you have said, I really don�t see how he can be trusted. Allah Knows Best.

As Salamu alaikum Sister

I agree with Abuayisha.

I just wish to add that maybe his family in Pakistan have no idea that he has another wife in the UK.

If he was sincere, you would have told you that truth from the outset and taken you to Pakistan with him.

Not all men are the same, I know of many sisters married to Indians and Pakistanis who have visited their in-laws and co-wives too in some cases.

May Allah make your decision easy for you and ease your burden. Ameen

sister martha..i am so sorry that you are going through this.  what an aweful experience.  i am an american convert, and love a man that is from another culture.  i, too, am hoping for acceptance from him and his family.  so...i can relate to your sense of rejection and frustration entirely.  i can only imagine how much pain you must be in, given that you're married (i'm not yet, but hoping to).  for those of you who aren't converts, hear my cry:  you must stop looking at us as "different" from you.  Allah views us in light of our piety...not by our skin color, where we were born, etc.  Families that are on the right path must accept us just as Allah does.  surely you are not better than Allah, right?  If we're good enough for Him to be chosen among so many non-muslims in our western society, then you are "off" if you reject us, or believe we are just "not right for your families"....particularly becuase we are your muslim sisters and brothers.  Well, enough ranting and back to you, martha.  Of course continue praying...maybe even istakhara...if and only if you are truly willing to choose the right path (Allah's way).  ensure you are praying 5x a day (at least).  I've found that when i'm close to Allah, He's close to me.  Sometimes i need people to "smack me" and tell me what i'm not seeing.  and here i go:  this man has been dishonest and unkind to you.  he lied and he is keeping you from being happy by not mixing you with his family.  even if he is doing it to protect his family's feelings, it is wrong...becuase you, as his wife, come right after Allah.  Marriage is half of islam, and a source of pleasing Allah.  If it exists under deceptive circumstances, then it is wrong, wrong, wrong.  A strong, pious man would not do this.  you deserve someone who is honest and 100% dedicated to you.  There is no reason for a man to be married to more than one woman unless there are highly unusual circumstances...not just becuase he feels love for another woman, or needs citizenship, has plenty of money, prestige, etc.  He was selfish in marrying two women.  It is very clear to me, the only reason you should stay with this man is if 1) he is honest to the world (Allah, first) about you and brings you "out of the closet" and 2) you are happy given the outcome of "coming out".  So, if his family continues to reject you and he fails to say, "I am a grown man, i love martha and she is a good muslim woman AND you accept who i've chosen as my wife or see me a lot less and 3) you can deal with sharing him.  It is my understanding that a man should take a second wife only with the first wife's permission.  either way, he's wrong.  Since he is clearly not following the right path, and he deceived you, then i think you are entirely permitted to ask for divorce.  yes, i think you should sever ties with him and move on.  i may just have to do the same for similar reasons...it is so very hard.  surely there are brothers out there that are truly seeking pious wives, and know that they need to answer to Allah, and and to their families, if and only if (Allah tells us this in the Qur'an) their parents are leading the right path (think of Abraham going against his father when he was wrong).  So, don't live any longer in misery.  You are not truly happy with this man...how could you be, western or easter alike?  Allah wants you to strive to honor Him and in all the roles He gave you.  It sounds to me that you're in distress over this marriage.  Surely it keeps you from brining honor to all your other roles in life, because you are distressed.  It hurts...Allah know it.  It's difficult to believe (for me, too), but He has the ability to fill all of our voids.  And He is merciful.  Ask, beg his mercy on you, and Insha'allah, He will comfort you.  So, again, i'm not an imam, but i think you have no reason or obligation to stay in this marriage given that it was based on deceit and continues to exist in unkindness.  i'm so glad you wrote...i will pray for you tonight, sister martha, and i hope you will for me, too. 

Assalmo-Alaikum Sister,

Considering following things

• He has never been cruel to you
• Muslim husband is so special that I can�t bear to think of a life without him
• I dont believe he is a bad man deep down
• You love him

Let me tell you sister that to have good husband now a days is very blessing; only few people are with good attitude, if you have this blessings don�t lose it. Life is short try to accommodate him in current situation, don�t get panic or anxiety. Islam permits man to have four wives providing if he giving all equal rights.

So not think bad for you loving husband, I do agreed that he should tell truth to you before marriage; anyhow leave past and don�t curse it what so ever happened was good and perfect; and that�s the FATE believe. In your case I even believe that nothing happened bad Allah have blessed you with good human which are very few in this world.

Regarding your shift to Pakistan I don�t see any issue except you must should ask separate home otherwise you will be in real trouble. Don�t even think of that 2^nd wife will accept you, and should not care; and not even it�s your need, you have to live your life and you will. Other than 2nd wife may be there are some good relatives who will accept you but it all depends. So far in current conditions just think of your husband; if he is enternal good then jump in without fear.

Pakistan is not that much backward country, good communities do exists. If you are working women you will survive even better. I don�t know your profession but I am sure you will get opportunities.

Let me again suggest you that don�t get panic or anxiety, take care of your health, �Count your blessings not difficulties�

And at last welcome to my Pakistan.

Asalam Alaikum,

What a difficult situation for you!  I have bene to Pakistan and can understand some of the challenges you face.

I think that is all would depend upon his individual family. Having more then one wife is not that common there, from what I have encountered. And you have to take into account if they have a joint family system. Cause if they do, his other wife will be living with his family. That means she is mostly like intergrated into the family. And to be honest, I would find it extremely difficult to live there without the support of his family. Some families may be fine with it. Some will not.

When I was in Pakistan I was asked to be a 2nd wife. It is different cause I know they were married.  But knowing what I know, I would not have done it unless the family instigated it.  For you do not know if his marrying you is seen a a betrayal of the family.  You just don't know.

And really if his other wife (and possibly) kids live with them, it will be very hard to intergrate into that. Yes they may be "forced" to accept you as they are often at a disadvantage economically and 'educationally" but it won't necessarily be good. If he has not already told them that tells you all you need to know, they won't be happy.

I don't think, necessarily, your acceptance hinges on your not be Asian, it is the situation at hand.. coming into a household as a 2nd wife. He then has to face to the reality that he also deceived his family. But your ethnicity is less of a factor. Plus they also don't "know" you. This again puts you at a disadvantage. 

Chances are also that his marriage is not all about "love."  Not all marriages end up on that level, but they will stay married. He met you and found a "connection". So I see how it happens.

So it seems that you have to choose

1. leave him

2. Continue as is.. knowing that you will not be part of his family in the way you would like. Knowing he does have another family.

3. Try to go to Pakistan. I tell you, it may be a nightmare.. Keep in mind that the other wife probably has no idea you exist. She will be almost forced to accept the situation as she is at a very big economic and educational disadvantage (9 times out of 10). Divorce for her would be very difficult in that culture. If there are children involved it becomes even more difficult.

I do think you need to confront him more and get more knowledge before making a decision. You need to know exactly what he has done. Of course you would not know, depending upon his age, that he was probably married. As I say everyone is married in Pakistan. It would be rare to be 33 and not married for a guy. And I am not sure how old your husband is...

I do feel for you. I don't think there are any easy answers. The saddest part is the deception. It shows how much people can realyl hurt others.

Knowing what I know about Paksitan soceity and culture, I could not ever go to Pakistan as a 2nd wife. I just know too much. But you'll need to decide for yourself.

My duas for you.

As Salamu alaikum

Sister Martha, Masha Allah the sisters have given you very good advice.

I agree with sister Hayfa, you need to confront your husband and get all the facts before going to Pakistan.

When you are in a foreign land, you will need your husband's support, as that is the only support you will have.

Most families in Indo/Pak can drain a foreigner emotionally but on the other hand there are families that will shower her with love and affection till she says "stop I had enough".

Don't worrry so much about the co-wife or his family for now, worry about your position in his life.

Insha Allah, Allah will help you make the right decision. Ameen!

Sister Samada, Welcome to the forum. You sound very angry and I was too when I read the post. As Muslims, we need to fear Allah and realize that His is watching each and every action. Unfortunately today's men are very deceitful. Many sisters have faced what sister Martha is facing today, and many sisters will face this situation in the future.

When we truly believe in Allah and trust our affairs to Him, He shows us the way. Don't forget that after every hardship comes ease and Paradise is veiled by hardships.

May Allah guide us and keep us on the Path that leads to Paradise. Ameen

 Wa Alaikum Salam

Alwardah wrote: Don't worrry so much about the co-wife

Wow, how realistic is that? He leaves for extended periods.

Martha, it's my understanding that he is either attempting to keep you away from pakistan or outright prohibiting it.  am i correct? Half of our islam is marriage...it can't be based on lies.  If it is, then it's not two lives brought together as one...it was one life and one fictitious life.  You wrote that you even think he may have just used you for citizenship.  You wrote that you don't trust him.  You wrote that he won't even be honest with you about whether you are wife 1 or 2.  If marriage is half of our Islam, then surely one based on such things isn't bringing honor to Allah.  Have you asked him about this?  I would certainly check with a scholar of Qur'an and hadith before looking seriously at divorce, but it seems that you should find a husband that fears Allah, becuase it surely doesn't seem that yours does, charming, sweet and loving as he is.  Allah is Merciful...he is always there to take care of us.  I often think an important thing to consider is this:  is your marriage discouraging you from bringing honor to Allah or is it encouraging you to bring honor to Allah?  Are you so distressed by the marriage that you are less effective in striving to please Allah in the various roles He has given you in this life, i.e., mother, employee, daughter, sister, friend, etc.?  Just because we are muslim women doesn't mean that we must stay with men that mistreat us.  Sister Martha, be honest with yourself, difficult as it is...you are being mistreated.  We are to be honored, just as we honor our husbands.  I don't accept that pious men are difficult to come by and therefore we should accept that we are more pious than they.  In fact, I think it's quite the opposite--our husbands are our leaders...we are to follow them.   And if they mistreat us and cause us emotional turmoil, then i think it is worth seriously looking into the option of finding a pious man that will be a good leader and partner.  again, as i wrote before, i don't accept that men are allowed multiple wives for selfish reasons.  it seems to me, particularly if you are wife number two, that his reason for marrying two was not to bring honor to Allah.  Honestly, it seems that he is either very selfish or weak.  he wanted what he wanted, at the expense of your well-being.  i know this hurts so much.  but you must look at this for what it is.  What would you tell me if i were you?  And if the demise of your marriage is ahead, stay on the right path and follow Allah's call always.  He is Merciful and Omnipotent.  He will take care of you.  Much love and Salam -

Ii dont know why everybody is taking separation as fun , i have read many books which stated that think thousand time before it. There is a huge difference in islamic marriage vs western marriage, for them its just a fun.

In your case what happened in past leave it forget it, try to accomodate him and have Tawakkal that Allah will serve you on your sacrifice.

On what islamic grounds you will get separation; only future fear, not acceptable. And let me tell you that finding another ideal islamic person will be tough assignment for you. One of my teacher told me that in marriage "serve more accept less"; you will be happy.

martha wrote: I am white British, and converted to Islam 4 years ago. I was so happy, but my life completely changed because I became a muslim. I moved away to a big city, with nothing, but gradually adapted to my new life. I found work and somewhere permanent to life. I was then 42. I met a Pakistani man who became my friend. I dreamed that I would marry him, but I didnt tell him for fear of sounding foolish. After a year we married, both legally and Islamically. I thought life was as perfect as it could be. We both worked hard. He had a large family in Pakistan that he needed to support because he was the oldest son and his father had died years before. SO I knew he had many responsabilites. Last year we both felt that it would be better for him to return to Pakistan to get his spouse visa there, as there were some difficulties getting it here. It is long and complicated. He returned to his country and was there for 6 months, returning last December. It was very difficult without him. I felt that something wasnt quite right. On his return I place the Quoran in his hand and asked him if he had another wife. He replied that he had. I was shocked but also not surprised. This year has been very hard for me. He returned to Pakistan again in May for 4 weeks. He contacted me very little. When he came back I was in a bad way. We argued, and it resulted in me asking him to leave, so I could have time to think. I never intended it to be longterm. However, we are now in October. I moved away from the city to be nearer my family. He understood my reasons, and he has visited me weekly for a few hours. We both love eachother, that has never been an issue, but I am still on my own. He has again returned to Pakistan, this time for 6 weeks. I find it very hard. He has said when he returns to England this time that he will move to be with me, and work locally. I have accepted the fact he has another wife, even tho' it is hard to share him. I have always desperately wanted to go to Pakistan with him, because I believe his family are now also mine, despite the culture difference. But I have never been to Pakistan. And this hurts me. Also I dont know if I am wife no1 or wife no 2, as he does not directly tell me the truth. My suspicions are that he was already married. Knowing which I am would not make any difference. I dont want us to be separate, I dont want a divorce, and neither does he. How can I resolve my situation? My western feeling and upbringing tell me to move forward in life without him, however my faith and love for him tells me I must not part from him. I have been married before, but this muslim husband is so special that I cant bear to think of a life without him. He has never been cruel to me, but his deceit has left me feeling hurt. Can I trust this man? Sometimes I think he has used me. But I know his conscience is pricking at him. He tells me not to worry, that he is always with me. I dont believe he is a bad man deep down, just someone who has done some bad things, that have made life complicated. Can anyone offer any suggestions please? Can I just add that I have accepted the other wife. But the problem comes more from me wanting to be accepted by his family. In Islam I am right in thinking that there is no caste system? So I find it hard to understand why I cannot be accepted in the asian culture. My husband wants to keep both lives/wives separate, but is he right to do this? I keep thinking about the Prophet Muhammed, peace be upon him, and his example to us. I dont want any problems, I jyst want us all to be friends. Is that to much to ask?

Salaamu Alaykum Dear Sister,

I think the best advice I could give you would be to establish a dialogue and hopefully friendship with Sister Hayfa if that is possible.  Don't just ask the question and then leave.  Come back here or get in touch with her.  Whatever you decide, you need to have a community's help through this.  Don't be embarrassed about whatever you decide.  It is your life, and just follow the pillars of Islaam, and that is the most important thing for you to do in the end on your journey.

Salaamu Alaykum

To everyone who has offered me advise so far. It is much appreciated. I hope everyone sees me as a muslim sister, and not visualise me as an English woman. I amtrying to find peace. I tell myself that I was muslim before I met my husband, so I must always remember that Allah is the most important, and of course I know Allah would not want me to suffer longer than is necessary. I know we must suffer, it is the way to learn and grow. I'm not sure I am growing as a muslim when I am with my husband. He does not direct me in the right path. It seems he is always too busy with his worldly responsabilities to think about helping me towards heaven. I have found many kinds of muslims. Those who outwardly do the things they should to show themselves muslim. I know many who are born muslim, but somehow dont seem to understand Islam. Sometimes it seems that there are those who dont really believe at all, but just do the prayers because it is a routine. I hope I dont sound critical. I dont mean to be, but I just dont understand. I became muslim because I wanted to, and I had a lot of problems with other people accepting it my decision. I dont feel accepted by my own people, nor do I feel accepted by asian muslims. I have been unlucky. I hope I can meet some committed muslims who actually understand what Islam is. I dont want people to think I am ungrateful in any way. I am a simple person, I dont ask for much in life, I just want some friends who can be honest and show me the way. Islam is not complicated, why do people make it so? I think I am too innocent. I hope not to offend anybody at any time. Just please someone help me understand more.

Salaams Martha,

I think your words are quite heartfelt. I think that many reverts face this "no-where" land.. we are really somewhere on the Moslem continuum.   And maybe as we have entered into Islam a bit later than those born into Islam, we are more prone to examine our lives. But where exactly do we "fit" in?

I too often think I don't belong anywhere. After having "visited" amazing Moslem families in Pakistan I have felt this more acutely then ever before. Even if your family accepts one becoming A Moslem, unless they also do, things are bound to change. Friendships change. People who you were close to, one often is as close to. Typically you no longer "join" in their activities.  Some people loose their families and friends all together. You know that you are "separate" from many others.

It is hard to find any type of "acceptance" or should I say "community" with born Moslems. I often think it has to do with the way we are raised, what we focus on, etc. For instance, when I was in Pakistan, I had a harder time relating to the women then the men. Having been raised in the west, I was raised to be independent, focus on education, discuss politics, travel on my own, etc. It is a different world then what most women who either live overseas or come to US experience. And they had one thing we don't typically have, very strong families and a sense of place. They have something very precious. So I never, ever have looked at my life as "better." It is all what one is used to.  

One thing I did find was that my goal had to be is take each person as an individual.  People get SO caught up in group identity, cultural identity that they view everyone through that prism. I met some really amazing women in Pakistan. Some of them are actually illiterate. And yet they showed me a lot about myself as a person from them. They were genuine, kind, funny, smart people.

I agree with that people often make Islam quite complicated.  It is our human weaknesses I believe. I think that people often cannot 'see' what is right in front of them. It is sadder if you see it in Moslems as they have it "given" to then. I think that true spiritual living appears hard to experience.  People, as you said, are caught up in this world. And often have nothing but petty things to focus on. It amazes me. There are so many greater things to worry about and people spend a lot of time putting others down or judging them.

It is good you have spoken to his family. Would any of his sisters or mom be better able to help you understand the situation? The unknown makes it far more difficult to make a decision that is right for you.  Does his other wife live with them?

I also think you need to have a heart to heart talk with your husband. Part of it is finding out what does he want? What he truly wants will give you insights into his motivations and what the future may hold for you.  I  can imagine it is quite difficult for you.. and remember, you don't have to make any major decision today. Pray and reflect.

Take care..

Hayfa

marchfriday wrote: There is a huge difference in islamic marriage vs western marriage, for them its just a fun.

That is a very unfair, biased and simply a false statement, unless, of course, you can support it with evidence.

Sister Martha, here are your own words: 

"I'm not sure I am growing as a muslim when I am with my husband. He does not direct me in the right path." 

i think we all agree that a marriage with Allah at the center of it is more pleasing to Allah and to ourselves, no matter its cultural context.  I think a marriage without Allah in the center is displeasing to Allah, particularly if it is based on lies, manipulation and selfish desire, all of which are in opposition to Allah's commands.

Justification for remaining in Martha's marriage is weak...her interest in ending her marriage is quite different to wanting out because of boredom, family problems, love for another, affair, growing apart, career, etc.  Her marriage was based on deception.  Allah gave us divorce as an option, and I really can't think of a better reason for it than Martha's--a totally deceptive marriage to someone that deters her from honoring Allah, is unkind to her, doesn't fear Allah in his life, bars her from having a fulfilling relationship with her in-laws, etc. While Allah has commanded us to be firm in our patience,  He also clearly provides us with means of divorce in the Qur'an. 

I see our discussion here as twofold:

1.  whether Allah will be more pleased with Sister Martha if she uses the divorce option He gave the Islamic Ummah, to find a man that loves, fears and honors Allah, and will foster her growth in Islam, in himself and in their union

2.  our haram tendencies to allow culture, skin color and predispositions to cause pain and lack of acceptance within the Ummah (as we see in Martha's difficulties with her husband and his Pakistani family and Hayfa's expressed difficulty in experiencing acceptance with "born Muslims")

Allah judges us in light of our dedication to Him, without any heed of culture (as far as I know).  If this is how Allah limits his view of us, then who are we to view one another in any other light? 

I live in the NYC metro area and am blessed to have Sisters hailing from all over the world in my life.  Alhamdullah, we benefit from one another's different perspectives.  We must consciously limit our differences to positive usage only.  Martha, are you active in your immediate Muslim community?  Masha'allah, I found wonderful, pious, brilliant friends by simply going to masjid for Salah and through attending classes.  It seems that you may need sisters that cherish you, and desire to bring honor to Allah through your friendship.  Am I correct in identifying your need?  Of course, we all need this.

I think using cultural differences as a basis for separation of anything Allah has joined together  is wrong.  If a mature person fears Allah, then he will focus on his/her spouse's character and Islam, and demand that his family and friends do the same.  He will not succumb to their pressures that are in opposition to the criteria set forth by Allah.  A righteous family will view her as a sister of the islamic Ummah and shower her with love.  If that's not the case, then they are wrong.  Allah commands us to be content with our muslim brothers and sisters, whether in the immediate family, local community or the islamic Ummah.  Being sensitive to cultural differences is one thing; using them as a means of physical or emotional distance is another.  And I think we must be very conscious of this as muslims.  Let's always cherish our differences and use them as a means of brining more honor to Allah.

As for #1 above, Sister Martha, I am in no way a scholar, but as I see it, I think you should love yourself as Allah loves you.  He chose to guide each of us reading this post closer to Him becuase He loves us, becuase He is Merciful, and we should therefore love ourselves enough to take good care of ourselves--to chose husbands that will help us grow closer to Allah, and to rid ourselves of those who harm us.  How can a marriage built on a foundation of deceit and continuing in lies and imposed turmoil honor Allah and you, His very precious female creation? 

On a final note, I have no idea if you're praying 5x per day, but once I began doing it, my life changed completely for the better.  I recommend Istakhara for your situation, if you haven't already done it.  It took me a long while to finally be in a place where I was truly ready to pray it.  but once i did, specific direction didn't come, but a peace that guides me did. As for a community, maybe your best sister-friends will be on this board for now.  love and salaam...

abuayisha wrote: Alwardah wrote: Don't worrry so much about the co-wife  Wow, how realistic is that? He leaves for extended periods.

Very realistic she is entitled to half his time. 3 month here, 3 months there.

Alwardah wrote: abuayisha wrote: Alwardah wrote: Don't worrry so much about the co-wife  Wow, how realistic is that? He leaves for extended periods. Very realistic she is entitled to half his time. 3 month here, 3 months there.

My point is not concerning division of time, which is nothing to worry about, but what certainly troubles most women, and that is knowing their husband is with another woman.  How do you ask they not worry about this?  How realistic is that?

Salaamu Alaykum,

Dear Sister,

When you say that all that you want is...

Sometimes and indeed very often, we don't get the least of the things that we want or need.  In Shah Allah, you will find these things. 

But if they are lacking, treasure your Islaam through your own heart and soul because Allah, The Loving, has chosen you, and Allah, The All-Knowing, chooses wisely.

As-salaam alaykum warahamatullah wabarakatuh

This is a little "off" the present discussion,but i thought of sharing it with you because I believe it would be useful considering what the main topic generated..

Labelling,tagging,talkingdown,discriminating,relegating,segr egating&any other adjective you can find similar to these words,cut across every Race,Tribe,Ethnic,Culture,just name it.And I want to correct your impression that these things only 'exist' amongst"Born Muslims" & "Reverts".That is not the case my dear brethren.I am a born-Muslim,who's had the privilege of visitng another Continent besides my Home Country.And it isn't because you're not born-Muslims,but because there's a difference between a "Muslim" and a "Muhmin".Anyone could be a Muslim,by name,by birth or by Reverting.This doesn't mean such person has the'knowledge of Islam" or have enough Taqwa to appreciate&respect any other Muslim who's just getting to understand Islam better.A Muhmin would have the fear of Allah to appreciate that we differ in our intellectual capability& piety.Anyone who taggs another fellow Muslim for being a Revert, because he or she's a born-Muslim,obviously has a lot to learn about the meaning of "Islam".Allah is Al-Hakam,--The Judge.That attribute isn't any human's, which is why nobody,irrespective of your level of Religious practices or if you're a Reknowned Scholar has the right to say so and so is 'more Pious' because of the mode of dressing,the type&size of Ijab,the Race, or whatever.We are required as Muslims to guide ourselves &encourage each other in doing good&forbidding evil.But it doesn't give anyone the right to call other Muslims names or rebuke them,just because you feel they are less knowledgeable'.

I equally want you to know that it doesn't matter if you are a born-Muslim because some people just find themselves born as a Muslim,but do not go beyond 'bearing Muslim names'.All other acts of Ibaadat are neglected.Imagine what comments would be passed if such person treats another Muslim unfairly.They would say,afterall...........My point is,we born-Muslims amongst ourselves have been prejudiced by our fellow Muslims & people of other race.I for one have experienced it.I do not mean any offence to Pakistanis,but they are far from friendly&when they come across Muslims from other race.I have heard people call them'Racists'&would not blame anyone for their conclusion because of what I went through as well.

However,one must be fair&not make a blanket judgement.The fact that a person,amongst hundreds of others behaved badly towards you doesn't mean the rest are like that.And it definately doesn't mean,that's what Islam "preaches".Individual characters must be considered before one makes a'general conclusion'.

It might interest you to know that in my Country,some people with the full"Jilbab" consider themselves as better Muslims(mostly more Pious)&refuse to relate with a fellow sister in Scarf or other forms of Ijab besides theirs.I was rejected for this same reason&considered myself as a lesser person in hierarchy of Pious people ,until I learnt & understood Islam better.And my case is just one of many.I personally made it my responsibility to talk to upcoming Muslims to ignore whatever comments anyone passes on them about what they wear or what they think of them.Only Allah knows the hearts of us all.So,please,do not think that a born-Muslim is better than any other Muslim,revert,convert or whatever,just because they act or think so.They're just wallowing in their shallow minds devoid of true faith&understanding of their Deen.

I broke away from being a subject of such mentality & suggest you do the same.

May Allah guide us all to the right path&that which pleases Him most.