Assalamu Alaikum,

I am currently 14 weeks pregnant with our second child.  After some testing, we found out that our baby has Down Syndrome.  We have been given the choice as to whether to let the pregnancy continue or not.  Obviously it is forbidden for us to terminate the pregnancy...and I dont want to do that anyway.  My husband unfortunately does not think that he can handle this and he wants me to end the pregnancy.  He thinks the baby being disabled will tear our family apart and it will be a disgrace for him to have a son that has the problems that come with Downs.  He told me that in his culture, he is Arabic, that its a disgrace to have a child like that.

Needless to say I am absolutely shocked to hear this come out of his mouth.  I want to raise my son (we found out the baby is a boy), but my husband does not want him.

This seems like such an impossible situation for us right now.  How do I get through this?  I feel like he is trying to push me to do something I dont believe is right.  We are both Muslim, so I would have thought he would respond differently...thats why I am so shocked at his words.

What do I do?

Salaams,

What a difficult situation. Especially if the parents are not "on the same page.

Where do you live? Are you in the US? I have to say there are problems in every coulture but the US has some of the best services with People with Disabilities. And the opportunities that are presented are quite profound. I know in some places in the world, people with disabilities are shunned, cast out, hidden away etc. Probably due to the many resources and the culture, the US is not like that. So it may be a difference of "culture" between you and your husband.

Abuayisha has provided a link regarding aborting the child. Of course it lists for physical deformity that makes living prohibitively difficult.

Here are some other links that are about having Children with Down Syndrome.  In the US it is NOT the end of the world. I don't know where you live.

It is sad that he feels it is a "disgrace." And ties it into his Arabic culture. The child is a child from Allah. Just as any other child. And one thing it teaches us is compassion and mercy.

I had a good friend in college. He was a staff worker at the school. His daughter was born with only half a brain. The daughter is not a senior in college.

I hope these help you to make the decision.. there are no easy answers

http://www.ndss.org/index.php?option=com_frontpage&Itemid=87 - http://www.ndss.org/index.php?option=com_frontpage&Itemi d=87

http://www.nads.org/ - http://www.nads.org/

One thing that struck me was in the last line:

Screening Tests

• At this time the most commonly used screening test is �The Triple Screen.� This is a combination of three tests that measure quantities of various substances in the blood. These tests are usually done between 15 and 20 weeks of gestation.
• Sonograms (ultrasounds) are usually performed in conjunction with other screenings. These can show some physical traits that are helpful in calculating the risk of Down syndrome.
• Screening tests do not accurately confirm the diagnosis of Down syndrome. In fact, false positives and false negatives frequently occur.  

My duas are with you and your family.

AS-salaam alaykum warhamatullah wabaraktuh

I was also going to refer you to'islamqa' but glad that abuayisha  already did.Meanwhile,I've equally read that 'abortion' on health grounds like if it's a threat on the mother's life is permitted within the first 120 days of conception.Apparently,you have even exceeded that now.I don't think you can do the convincing of your husband alone.In the first place,he was more concerned about his own prestige of being a father to a'disabled child'.

Like Hayfa said,there're provisions for such children,if you're resident in the US.Even if that isn't the case,"Dawn Syndrome" happens to be one of the commonest deformity in this age especially for mothers who're in their forties.Their being told all these probabilities before they decide to conceive&bear a child.

You need to make him understand that Islamically,it's already too late to consider abortion,otherwise you'd be committing 'murder'.And again,there're several other deformities that're worst than 'Dawn Syndrome'.People with DS still live a normal life,provided the families're willing to learn more about this defect&give that child all the love&care they would give a normal child.

Wallahu an'lam.

I pray ALlah softens your husband's heart&make him accept this as a test of his faith&i pray he'd have the eeman to go through it masha Allahu!!!

Meanwhile,on your own part,get more informed about DS.lRead it up on the Internet or any Book on it.And there're so many experien ces of people living with DS you can share in order not to fel left out&confused.

Angela wrote: My mother in law was told my brother in law Austin was going to be down syndrome.  He's a very healthy normal 18 year old boy.

Which test was she given?  Just to make sure we're not comparing apples with oranges.

Angela wrote: As Muslims, I think that would be center to a situation like this...accepting God's will.

The Muslim army in Syria was also hit by an epidemic. So heavy was the toll taken by it that the Amir Omar ibn AlKhatab himself had to go to Syria to study things. At Saraa, he was received by army leaders. They implored him to keep out of the affected area. The Calpih sought the advice of leading Companions. They differed. At last Omar chose to go back. Seeing this, Abu Obaida said "Omar, are you running away from the decree of Allah?"

"Yes," replied Omar, "I am running away from the decree of Allah to the decree of Allah."

222dnallohc wrote: Assalamu Alaikum, I am currently 14 weeks pregnant with our second child.  After some testing, we found out that our baby has Down Syndrome.  We have been given the choice as to whether to let the pregnancy continue or not.  Obviously it is forbidden for us to terminate the pregnancy...and I dont want to do that anyway.  My husband unfortunately does not think that he can handle this and he wants me to end the pregnancy.  He thinks the baby being disabled will tear our family apart and it will be a disgrace for him to have a son that has the problems that come with Downs.  He told me that in his culture, he is Arabic, that its a disgrace to have a child like that. Needless to say I am absolutely shocked to hear this come out of his mouth.  I want to raise my son (we found out the baby is a boy), but my husband does not want him. This seems like such an impossible situation for us right now.  How do I get through this?  I feel like he is trying to push me to do something I dont believe is right.  We are both Muslim, so I would have thought he would respond differently...thats why I am so shocked at his words. What do I do?

Down Syndrome is a psychologically devastating disorder among other developmental disorders in children. I was fortunate enough as one of my clinicals for my license in Neuroscience to evaluate a child with Down Syndrome. The parents, both Caucasian, wanted to care for the child. Now, I understand that perhaps culturally, we all think different or perhaps other factors play into why we would or would not accept a child with a developmental disorder. I believe not only the disorder itself, is devasting to parents but the life expectancy as well. On average, most children that grow up into adults have an average life expectancy of 49.5 years of age with mental retardation that possibly fluctuates between IQ ranges of 50-70 (Considered mild by clinical standards) to severe mental retardation (35-50).

Decisions to terminate pregancy is largely based upon what "the parents do not want to deal with" and quite honestly, if I were in this situation I wouldn't want to deal with it either. HOWEVER, because life is indeed precious and important, it is also important to not terminate possible life all beause of what makes us feel good and what doesn't it should be based upon the decision between both parents. I think the only good reason to terminate a fetus especially if trisomy 21 is detected is because the child will not have a full life and that, letting it live only to 50 years of age without accomplishing all possible goals in life is distressing. Perhaps that is the only argument to terminate a child, other than that the ethical implications are subjective and must be made on case by case situation.

Assalamu Alaikum Sister,

I really dont know what to say here but pray that things work out right.May Allah guide and help you during these difficult times.

I had a friend in highschool who had Down's syndrome.I didnt know what it was then.I just thought he was slow and slightly challenged mentally.He wasnt active in sports and had learning difficulties.I should say that his family;his mother and sister and our principal in school supported him very much.His sister was a doctor and due to her efforts,we saw a gradual improvement in him.He graduated with me and i've lost touch with him since but i've a feeling that he'll be doing good.Allah knows best.

Sister,i dont think abortion is right in this case as people with Down's syndrome have lived good lives.It would be against Islam.Understanding and support would help much.You should make your husband understand that being born healthy and normal doesnt mean a good life is guaranteed.The healthy and macho son could be run over by a bus and end up being handicapped or in a coma.Perhaps your husband should abort his unhealthy mentality.

I think the following site will be really helpful.Its got a lot of information.

http://children.webmd.com/tc/down-syndrome-topic-overview - http://children.webmd.com/tc/down-syndrome-topic-overview

Angela, I agree..

And really, it is like saying we can tell who will turn out like what.. And we should "elimate" all of those who are a "burden." The issue is more about how we view our society and our resources. And what we value and where we invest our energy and time.

It can tie into making sure that we have "purity" and the "superior." And really, how do we define a full life. I haveahighereducation degree. Some people don't. And you know what, they don't want to. They have other interests, other roles in life.

And really, what is a "normal" life anyways..

Angela wrote: So, what is God's will?

The will of Allah, Most High, has two levels.  First is His legal will, such as ordering us to pray five times daily, fasting, hajj, charity etc.  We are not allowed to question His legal will, saying such things as �why not four prayers daily� or Ramadan should only be 15 days and not an entire month.  The second level is natural occurrences, such as the example of Omar and the plaque.  Omar is not obligated to enter an area of plaque because it is Allah�s will that it was affected by sickness.  If a child is born with two heads or three legs, conjoined twins or other such birth defects, this is Allah�s will, but we are not obliged to not seek remedy to change these happenings.  In other words, to say that if Allah, Most High, did not want him to have two heads, who am I to seek a surgical procedure to remove the other head.  The father in this case does not feel that he is able to bear the difficulties associated with a genetically diseased child and that it may very well tear their family apart.  I believe he has that right.  

Angela you said:

Not all Down's Syndrome children/adults have the same functioning scale.  They like all of us have varying IQs and mental function. 

Angela, your comment above is the result of reading too much into my post and actually not reading it. If you read, you'd notice what I said in a previous post by the following:

On average, most children that grow up into adults have an average life expectancy of 49.5 years of age with mental retardation that possibly fluctuates between IQ ranges of 50-70 (Considered mild by clinical standards) to moderate mental retardation (35-50).

Cognitive abilities in children vary yes, but their cognitive abilities are limited and children (and adults) with Down Syndrome do not perform tasks the same way we do regardless whether they are on television shows or not.

Some of them can learn to read, hold jobs, care for themselves like cooking, laundry and even act.

Like I said cognitive abilities differ and many individuals suffering from Down Syndrome have underdeveloped motor skills (which is why "special schools are required to assist those with this disease). Your comments here are misleading to those ignorant of Down Syndrome because you are presenting individuals with disorder as if they could function "normally" and although many of them can, again, they require more assistance with tasks than the average "normal" individual.

You always point to it being religious in nature with me

Well you are and it comes out in your writing. It's not a bad thing, it's what I see.

I'm glad you got to meet one or two people with Down's Syndrome.

Where in my writing did you see that I said I "met" one or two people with down syndrome? Again, this is a product of reading too much into my posts rather reading it (also reading my posts with your emotion rather than simply reading it).

I've known people with this condition my entire life.  I lived in a small town with less 900 residents.  I grew up playing with them, talking to them and experiencing their lives as a friend

That is great and its good that individuals such as yourself were able to experience this, however, as I stated above stop reading too much into what I said, rather, read what I say. I know for a fact I have knowledge of this disorder more than majority of the individuals here. I've had the luxury of using FMRI's to look at differences and variability between those with Down's and those without Down's. I've conducted an average of +2500 hours of AFP screening and Quad screening, as well as PAPPA screening for expectant mothers. I've assessed many patients with organic brain damage. Having an amatuer's knowledge of disorders is no substitute with actually practicing.

A day of clinical study does not make you even remotely qualified to dispense even the slightest professional opinion

I again have to remind you about reading too much into what I wrote. did I say 1 day? I've personally assessed many patients with developmental disorders  and down syndrome is one of them. But allow me to clarify, as residents, we are basically Dr.'s in the sense however, because when I went through clinicals I had so many patients (in addition to my other job) I could not possibly focus on one specific individual (or condition) this is why I chose the broad field of Neuroscience, that means, what I've spent thousands of hours on are evaluations using FMRI (Functioning Magnetic Resonance Imaging). Like I said before, I don't blabber about something I truly do not know.

These are PEOPLE.  You all are acting like its some sort of choice

It is every right for every parent to decide what to do with their child, thus, making it their choice. Just because you define your morality on the basis of your faith does not give you or me or anyone here the right to tell someone what to do with their child even if we disagree. I said before that the decision is up to the parents and I refrained from putting my own moral implications in it. I only mentioned on possible defense of someone who may abort their child.

Angela,

You're a "God conscious" person because you sincerely care for this individual that is why I respect you a bunch. I guess what I'm trying to say here as a male is, what she wants is her choice. Her husband trying to prevent her from having the child is not right because in essence, he is telling her what to do with her body. I agree with you in that children with Down Syndrome are persons and deserve the same respect as any human being. I also agree with you in that those living with this genetic disorder can live functional lives (although rather short than average expectancy). I apologize if I sounded cold hearted because I'm not. I love life and wish life to be fulfilled towards all human beings.

Hello.  I want to tell you mystory.  I was pregnant in 1998 and again in 1999.  I had the triple screen tests done, and both times the test came positive for anecenphaly, a form of spinal bifida which means my daughters would not have any brain, or very little.  When a so called friend found out about my first daughter she asked what did my husband and I do to make God punished us.  I thought about it and told her that I do not believe that God is rewarding us, but he isnot punishing us.  That somewhere at sometime my husband and I must have done something to show God that we would treat this child with the love that is due a human being and we would treat that child right.  We did, she came early and we buried her.  The same with my second daughter.    My husband, who is pakistani, never questioned our decision to carry the babies as long as they wanted to go. 

It is a very hard choice and one I would not want anyone to have to make.  We chose to carry the girls and if they had been born alive we would have taken care of them for as long as they lived.  My husband had a hard time with the birth defects.  He felt that it was his fault.  Maybe what he ate or the water he drank, or the illness he had as a child caused it. Of course that isn't true.  Maybe her husband is afraid that it is his fault that the baby is ill.  My husband never told me this, but told this during counseling.  If she is the US there are so many things you can do for the child.  Treatment can begin as soon as the child is born. It is true the defect affects everyone different.  I rode the bus to high school many years ago, and on there were two down syndrome people, a boy and girl, along with a mentally challenged boy.  They went to a workshop, their job.  The two down syndrome people married, and had a normal child.  They were being helped by the girl's mother and father.  So they can have lives.

Okay I am sorry that I rambled, the upshot of it is that she needs to talk with her husband, see what his fears are.  Have him talk with the doctor. Just be prepared of all possibilities. 

I wish you well and will keep you in my prayers.