Salam Sisters,

I have a question regarding how my husband acts sometimes (very rarely). My aim is not to talk crap about him but to get advice on how to pinpoint the factors that make him act this way so I can help him out with it. We share a very good marital relationship and we rarely get into arguments and fights. However, we r going through a tough time as I just moved away from my family and I tend to feel down sometimes. Everytime I mention to my husband that I am feeling depressed, instead of cheering me up, he starts getting frustrated and if i tell him that the only thing i need is his love and someone to talk to and this feeling of depression will pass, his frustration increases even more and he starts blaming me that my mood really affects him and that I am not the only person in this world who's burdened with problems and that in this mood he can never give me love etc etc and one thing leads to another and sometimes he ends up throwing stuff like breaking a glass for e.g. To me, it looks like a sign of weakness for only a person who can't control himself does these kinda trivial things but then i re-think and I don't understand how he can be this way at rare occassions when 90 percent of the time he's a very loving and patient person and does take care of me and listens to me as well. It's only when I mention i am feeling down or the word "depression" that triggers this monster inside him. Also, i must add that he has never physically abused me or hurt me and i know that he'd rather hurt himself then raise his hand on me but after these rare episodes of anger I get really scared and feel like who knows maybe he'll start hurting me as well if this thing is not cured soon? I rarely share my blues with him now cuz i am scared he would react in a weird way but sometimes when I unconsciously do end up telling him, it results in a nasty situation. I want to help him out and I am just trying to understand his psyche. I am not even the kinda wife who whines all the time or demands stuff from her husband. We have a very good relationship but is it unfair of me to feel down once in a while esp. when I am missing my family and the fact that I feel lonely at times? I need some positive advice from sisters. I don't even care about the emotional hurt his weird action causes me but I am more concerned about his health now cuz he does suffer from high blood pressure and for his age he shouldn't be. Thanks in advance.

Seems that his temper tantrums are from immaturity and his feelings of helplessness over not being able to alter our melancholy and especially after �all� he has done for you to be happy and still you seem to want �everything� to be wonderful.  You may want to express your separation feelings during happy times as this will likely put less pressure on him and allow him to articulate his feelings as well, so when your depression returns he would have learned better ways of coping and expressing his feelings and frustrations.  Also, strive to meet new friends and purchase phone cards to keep frequent contact with your family.  Above all be patient and make plenty of dua. 

salaams sister,

You know, moving house is a big upheaval, and perhaps this is adding to his tensions, as he does seem tense right now. You are in the process of adjustment with some things. It takes time to settle again. Also, you feel tense to a certain extent becuase you are further away from family.

try to keep busy as much as you can, and these low episodes will pass. Do you have a back yard at your new home? If so, try and get outside. the warmer weather is coming soon. And as the other sister suggests, try to meet new people. It can be so isolationg when you move area.

I'm sure that this is a minor hickup, as you say you have a good relationship usually. try to act in a positive mood when he is at home. try to relax. That will be of so much benefit to him. And you will see, I'm sure, that he will soon be back to his old self.

Take care. Let us know how you get on. 

Salaams and welcome to the forum,

i agree with Abuayisha and Martha.. you need to keep busy.. make new friends.. gain more Islamic knowledge. .want info for on-line courses?  

You are going through a challenging period.. moves are one of the biggest upheavals. I am sure both of you are feeling it..

Also, women like to talk about feelings..so I can say I am a bit depressed to a friend.. no problem.. She'll "get-it." Not all men do.. You need friends in your life so that you can not put so much burden on the husband to be all things.. not all of us are to each other..  it clearly is frustrating to him to not be able to hear you are happy.. and he feels he is working hard.. he may feel you are blaming him.. just an idea..

Do things togther that make you both laugh.. get outdoors (it is warmer in Canada now I hope)

Expand your box a bit.. isolation is not good for long periods.. volunteer.. do something..

Assalamu Alaikum Sister:

I am in a similar situation to you. I moved away from my home, but it has been almost nine years now.  The Muslims where I used to live were very united, they were warm and welcoming and I loved my Muslim Sisters there very much. My Mom also lived less than 120 miles away and my birth sisters would come visit often because we were geographically closer than we are now.

Here, well, there are many more Muslims but they are just very different. They are separated by ethnicity or cliques, and even though I have tried to make friends I just haven't been able to.

I don't understand the way they think here. I can give an example: I met a sister a few times four years ago. I do not really know her and the few times I did speak with her she was not friendly. One time she even became angry because I beat her at a board game. I never went to this sister's home nor spoke with her on the telephone, we were not that close.  Four years later I get an e-mail from her, I am not sure how she got my e-mail, asking me to call her it is very important. I didn't recognise her name on the e-mail, but I called because I didn't know what was going on. As soon as she started talkng I realised who she was, and she was calling because she was having an aqiqa the next afternoon and she wanted me to bake these special desserts I make. I was very quiet because I was thinking, HUH? I don't even really know this sister and the few times I did speak to her FOUR years earlier she was not nice to me and now she is calling me to make cakes for her aqiqa. She realised I was being quiet so she says: "Oh, well you can come to the aqiqa if you want."  I guess her plan was for me to make a couple hundred little dessert cakes, drop them off at her door before the other sisters arrived, and take off.

To me this was just amazing behavior.  And it is very typical of the community here.  I miss my family and my loving Muslim sisters from back home. I have tried to tell my husband that my Iman is suffering here but he won't move because of his work. I feel isolated and very depressed sometimes.  When I am depressed I try to talk to him about it, but he just doesn't get it. He doesn't become angry, he just glazes over and stares into space. He knows the way the community here is, but for men it is different. They don't need that personal bonding and socializing that women need. No matter how many hobbies or what type of busy work you have, you still need to connect to other people.

Unfortunately I think I am stuck in this situation, but Insha'Allah sister you will find some good friends where you are.

Writing this has made me very sad and homesick. It is so important to be in a good community. I miss that feeling of love and sisterhood so much.

Shasta's Aunt.. that is very sad.. people can be SO messed up..

You know in my karate school.. we havea real community that welcomes new people, everyone is friendly to them, we seek them out etc.. And it is hard to do to that to some Muslim functions and no one talks to you or is warm and friendly.  Maybe its because we have a certain value in giving to people that permeates the community.

In karate.. we all wear a uniform... and yes we have ranks but no one is more important than another. And in fact that the longer you have been a student he moreyou are held accountable for the community. Recently we had someone visit our school. They were looking for anothe school as they had moved. They chose our school based upon our friendliness and values. Some schools are like the place you are in.. closed. And they almost "test" you before you can join them. "Are you like us?" type of thing.

Sad really..

Herei s the contact for the Institute. .I like these people and someone may be interested. http://www.zaytuna.org/distancelearning.asp - http://www.zaytuna.org/distancelearning.asp

Shasta'sAunt you are right. Why is it so hard to re-locate and especially move away from your family? I miss my parents and two younger sisters so much. I was so used to doing everything with them and my friends like going to the mall, watching movies etc etc and now all of a sudden it feels like no one is there anymore :( but i am trying to keep a positive attitude. It's so hard to make friends esp. nice muslim friends who u can relate to. I feel isolated and depressed just like you but i have no option but to accept loneliness as my fate and just strive to make every day better. My doctor even told me that I will have to start anti-depressants if I don't change my lifestyle and try to get adjusted here as i am having major adjustment issues.

Btw where do you live sister? I pray that you find some nice friends as do I! Thanks for sharing your story.

kiny wrote: Shasta'sAunt you are right. Why is it so hard to re-locate and especially move away from your family? I miss my parents and two younger sisters so much. I was so used to doing everything with them and my friends like going to the mall, watching movies etc etc and now all of a sudden it feels like no one is there anymore :( but i am trying to keep a positive attitude. It's so hard to make friends esp. nice muslim friends who u can relate to. I feel isolated and depressed just like you but i have no option but to accept loneliness as my fate and just strive to make every day better. My doctor even told me that I will have to start anti-depressants if I don't change my lifestyle and try to get adjusted here as i am having major adjustment issues. Btw where do you live sister? I pray that you find some nice friends as do I! Thanks for sharing your story.

Assalamu Alaikum Sister:

Sadly I know many Muslim Sisters on anti-depressants. I don't know what that says about the Ummah.

I haven't gotten that depressed yet, but I have thought about taking them a couple of times. I am just very paranoid about taking any medication, even Tylenol.

The most difficult part for me is that my whole family has a really quirky sense of humor and we love to laugh and play jokes. My husband wouldn't know a joke if it hit him upside the head, and I have no-one here to even laugh with. The last time I really laughed and had fun was when my sister and her husband came to visit 2 years ago. Now THAT'S depressing!

Insha'Allah you will find someone soon.

sakooooot wrote: I have a question regarding how my husband acts sometimes (very rarely). My aim is not to talk crap about him but to get advice on how to pinpoint the factors that make him act this way so I can help him out with it. We share a very good marital relationship and we rarely get into arguments and fights. However, we r going through a tough time as I just moved away from my family and I tend to feel down sometimes. Everytime I mention to my husband that I am feeling depressed, instead of cheering me up, he starts getting frustrated and if i tell him that the only thing i need is his love and someone to talk to and this feeling of depression will pass, his frustration increases even more and he starts blaming me that my mood really affects him and that I am not the only person in this world who's burdened with problems and that in this mood he can never give me love etc etc and one thing leads to another and sometimes he ends up throwing stuff like breaking a glass for e.g.

So you're depressed.  And he's depressed.  You try to talk to him about your feelings, but he won't listen.  Instead, he tries to tell you about his feelings, but apparently you won't listen.

This is way beyond me.  Frankly, this combination of depression and alienation sounds dangerous and potentially explosive.  IMHO you really need to talk to a marriage counsellor, or therapist or social worker of some sort.  I don't know exactly what services might be available to help you, but I would urge you to look for qualified professional help ASAP.

Unfortunately, I worry that your husband might not cooperate and might even get hostile about it.  From what little you've told us, I suspect that part of his depression is that he feels responsible for the "tough time" that the two of you are going through.  That would explain why he reacts so badly when you try to talk about it.  He sees it as his responsibility to make his wife happy, and by talking about your depression you are implicitly telling him he is a failure as a husband.

My only suggestion is to sit him down, tell him that you love him, and that you can see that he is not happy.  Don't mention your own feelings, but try to get him to talk about his.  If you can get him to open up about it, then you're probably halfway toward a solution already.

Then a couple of days later, you can suggest some kind of counselling for the two of you.  Not the same day, because you don't want him to think your concern for him was not sincere.  The first conversation must be only about him, to reassure him that he can talk to you without feeling guilty or inadequate.  The second one can be about the two of you, and how you can solve your problems together.

Those are just my thoughts, but like I said, this is really beyond me.  Good luck.

Ron,

Thanks for the reply and advice. However, I must say the situation is not as dangerous as you seem to interpret and we definitely don't need any counselling. As I said earlier, this happens very rarely that we get into these types of weird arguments. I have yet to see a couple who doesn't get into fights. We never yell at each other or say bad words it's only when I mention the depression part he gets mad and you are right he does feel responsible for my depression at times. I am trying to take care of my depression by making new friends etc. and experimenting if this helps. We did discuss his frustrations and breaking things etc. and he promised he won't break things again. I am taking his word for it for now :)

Look at the following list; moving away from the family is not one of them. Alhamdulilah

What is the move distance, is it within the country or across globe? As you said he started a new job, he must have more stress than you would!

What are your ages?

Was this some thing not in the cards that a move will take place and out of the blue for no tangible reason?

People are moving across borders to make a livings in today's economy!

Stressful Life Events

 
(the order of this list varies with individuals)

 Rank of Life events (most stress at top)

 
1. Death of a child

2. Death of a partner

4. Death of a close family member

5. Serious financial difficulty and moving house

6. Miscarriage or stillbirth

7. Court appearance for serious offence

9. Marital separation due to arguments

10 . Unwanted pregnancy

11. Divorced

12. Fired from a job

13. Death of a close friend

14. Serious illness of family member

15. Unemployed for 1 month

16. Serious personal physical illness