Auzubillahi minash shaitan ir rajeem,

In a recent discussion on the appropriateness in women choosing to work outside their homes, the kind of response I received was quite intersting. Recently came across Helen Andelin's work "Fascinating Womanhood".  Sharing a  portion from this work. There are many comments on this book and Helen's approach available on the internet, for and against her philosophy.  She appears to be a devout Christian, and there are few points from her philosophy which a muslim woman may ought to reject, for her religions commitments. Nevertheless, the similarities are way too many. Still I find her views rather very conservative. Only thing is that despite her conservativeness, I found her very close to truth, or rather I should say I agree with most of what she has to say. On this string there may be few who will agree, few who will agree in some parts,  and many who may not  agree at all, owing to the fact that we live in the 21st centuary, where values and perceptions have changed drastically from the time when this lady first began to teach her Fascinating Womanhood course to women.  Feel free to discuss and debate among yourselves, however I jwould make one request to all who wish to comment. This post may be awfully long for you, but please do not jump to conclusions on any portion unless you have read it to the end, jazak Allahu khair.

Quote

Fascinating Womanhood.

Excerpts from Chapter 21: The Feminine Roles vs. The Working Wife

The moon when it moves from its sphere of night into day, loses its luster, its charm, its very poetry.

 The most important way to enhance your femininity is in the home, serving as the wife, mother and homemaker. Here you have a feild in which to grow as a woman. As you love and care for your children, cheerfully devoted yourself to the ordinary chores of the household, and serve as the understanding wife, you acquire gentle feminine traits. Yer, in spite of this ideal feminine workshop, women are moving away from the home into the working world. Let's take a look:

The U.S. Department of labor reports that 70% of all mothers are employed outside the home - either ful-time or part-time. Of those who are married, 68.2% are employed outside the home. Of mothers with chldren younger than a year old, 53.8% are employed outside the home (2005 statistics). These figures do not include women working in home industries or a family business, helping on the farm, or baby-sitting children of other mothers.

When Women are Justified in Working

If you are widowed, divorced, single, or your husband is disabled, you may be justified in working. It depends on your need for money. If you are married and your husband is physicallt able, you are justified in the following situations:

1. Compelling Emergencies: You are justified in working if a financial emergency give you no alternative. In this case, when you work because you have to, the family more easily accepts the situation. They may even consider your working a noble sacrifice. In a situation such as this, if the family works through the crisis together, little harm results.

2. Furthering the Husband's Education and Training: If your husband is attending college or taining for a career you may be justified in working, especually if he has no other alternative to secure an education. Since his training will prepare him to provide a more adequate living, and since your situation is only temorary, you may be justified in helping him reach his goal. This depends on the number of children, their age, and their care while you work.

Beware of this danger, however: If you help your husband through school there's a temptation to continue after he graduates. He'll need to get established. You'll need many things after going without for so long. Is there any harm in working a little longer? Perhaps not, but after the necessities you add a few comforts, then luxuries. Soon you become acostomed to the extra income, then dependent on it. This is one of the ways mothers become trappped into a lifetime of working.

3. The Older Woman: If your children are married and you have time on your hands, you may wnat to work to occupy your time. Useful employment may seem better than ideling away your time on things of no importance. In this case, you may be justified in working but consider the following:

If you are married you still have a household to run and a husband to care for. Your married children may need you. If you are tied to employment, you may not be available when needed. Your influence is important in the lives of your grandchildren. You may also be needed in the community, giveing benevolent service. Your devotion to your household, family, and charity enhances feminine charm, whereas employment outside the home does little of nothing for it.

When Women are not Justified in Working

1. To Ease the Pinch: You may not have enough money to cover expenses. There are too many things you need and can't afford. You grow tired if never having enough money, so you seek employment, perhaps with your husband's approval. The problem wth gettting a job is that its not worth the price you pay. Your presence in the home is worth far more. Instead of going to work, cut expenses - be thrifty.

2. For Luxuries: You may work for additional comforts, luxuries and conveniences, or you may want greater advantages for your children - music lessons, college and better clothes. Justified as these desires may seem, the sacrifice is too great. Its better to trim the luxuries.

3. When you are Bored at Home: You may be bored with the menial tasks of houskeeping and tending children. You seek relief in the exciting world of work. Your husband may support the idea, to keep you happy. And it may end your boredome, and make your happy, temporarily. The problem is that you are buying happiness at the expense of your family. You are putting your desires ahead of their needs. This is never justified.

4. To do Something Important: You may feel that what your are doing at home day-to-day is relatively unimportant, and that man have the more important jobs. Noble contributions to mankind, you may reason, are made in the fields of science, industry, government of the arts.

Women who think this have a false notion. The exaggerate the importance of a man's work, and underestimate the importance of the woman's work in the home. Noble as the contributions of men are, they do not surpass a well-brought-up family. A doctor spends his time saving lives. You, on the other hand, in the simple routine of your home, are saving souls. Learn to see the distant scene, how your patient devotion to the family produces men and women of worht, the greatest contribution to any society.

5. To Ease the Load for the Man: When you see your husband under pressure and strain, concerned about meeting expenses for a growing family, you may feel it your duty to help him by getting a job. Benevolent as this seems, it is not justified or necessary; God blessed the man with strength, endurance and the emotional makeup for his work. Rather than share his burden, strengthen him for his work. Give him appreciation. This builds his confidence and helps him successd in his work. Ease his burdens at home by reducing demands on his time and money, and by providing a peaceful home life where he can be renewed.

Careers

If you have talent as an artist, writer, designer, actress, singer, scientist, on in the techinial fields, should you pursue a career? Think twice before you take this step. Your foremost duty is to your marriage and family. Here you must succeed.  A career may sidetrack you from your family. Not only will your career demand your time, but your interest, and sometimes your soul. if your husband and family must be second place, you are making an unwise choice. The price you pay is too high. Listen to those who have had experience:

Taylor Caldwell

 The late Taylor Caldwell, on of the most widely read authors in the English language, made the following statement to the press: "There is no solid satisfaction in any career for a woman like myself. There is no home, no true freedom, no hope, no joy, no expectation for tomorrow, no contentment. I would rather cook a meal for a man and bring him his slippers and feel myself in the protection of his arms than have all the citations and awards I have received worldwide, including the Ribbon of Legion of Honor and my property and my bank accounts. They mean nothing to me and I am only one among the millions of sad women like myself."

Beverly Sills

Beverly Sills, the well known opera star and impresario, recently addressed Graduating Students of Barnard College in New York city. She stateed: "Women are told today they can have it all - career, marriage, children. You need a total commitment to make it work. Take a close look at your child. He doesn't want you to be bright, talented, chic or smart - any of those things. He just wants you to love him. He will be the one who pays the price for your wanting to have it all. Think carefully about having that baby. Not to have it would be a great loss. To have it too late greatly increases the health hazards for you and the child. To have it without a commitment to it would be a great tragedy."

A Career Woman Writes

" I am in my early thirties, single, a corporate officer, and executive. I serve on three board of directors, one a national organization. With all my customer contacts, employee supervision, and peer contact, my total contribution does not constitute a drop in the bucket to what a wife and mother contributed to society. She directly affects the mental outlook of her husbad and children. She has the power to make her home heaven or hell. That's what I call woman power."

My Own Career (ie Helen Andelin - the author's career and comments)

Several years ago I received a letter from a lady in Huntsville, Alabama that read: "Mrs Andelin, you are fooling yourself. You tell women to stay home and run their household and not have a career but you are the most professional of all women. In fact you are a business woman par excellence. Hence, your fulfilment. All marriages of my acquaintance where wives are professionals are stable marriages. Husbands of stay-at-home wives are blatantly unfaithful with secretaries with whom they have something in common. They say their house-frau wives bore them to death. Many women follow your recipe and it doesn't work anymore in the twentieth century".

Here is my answer:

 "For twenty years I was a full-time homemaker. I was the typical stay-at-home wive and mother, with only a few small interests outside the home. I loved to clean, cook, baked bread, and try to look pretty. I looked forward with great anticipation to the birth of a baby. My husband often refers to the beautiful bassinet I prepared for our third child, with handpquilted pink satin lining, quilted heart inside the hood, ruffles bows and sheer skirt. He said it was such a visual demonstration of the welcome I was preparing for the little one.

"Although I had a full schedule of homemaking duties, I spent time with the children. I read them stories, taught them crafts, and kept a watch over their playing. On summer afternoons I washed their faces, combed their hair, put my baby in a carriage, and took them for a walk in the park. There was no prouder mother anywhere.

"We lived in a cold climate so I was sometimes isolated at home for two weeks at a time. But I read a lot - marvelous books that helped shaped my philosophy of life. I began to be a better person, a more interesting one. The world seemed broad to me. Live was exciting to me and I could not understand why anyone could be bored. When I was tired of reading, I painted pictures for my children's rooms or decorated my house. On summer mornings I went outside in the sunshine, sat on a box, and watched my children play or helped them dig in dirt. I was enjoying life and felt important.

"Then, we moved to California and lived in the country. We had eight children by now, all living at home. Shortly after my eighth child was born, I looked out the living room window and said to myself, 'This is the happiest day of my life.' I had everything worthwhile-eight adorable children, a husband who loved me, and good friends. I worked hard but it didn't matter. We had financial problems but this is life. In the evening my husband and I wenr for walks down a country lane. He confided his dreams, problems, and his feelings for me. His world was my world. I didn't think of anything else. I lived for him and the children.

"In the business world he had plenty of  chances to notice secretaries if he had wanted to. But I never worried. He spent his spare time at home and when away, hurried home a day or so early. A woman knows when she  is secure in her husband's love and I felt secure. When I was away for a week he put my shoes by the back door so he could look at them every time he went outside. He wrote to me, "you are the joy of my life.' But I wasn't a dull frau wife. I was an interesting person.

"Then I began teaching Fascinating Womanhood, sharing my secrets of married happiness with women in need. My classes were successful and grew rapidly. This gave me the impetus to write my book. It became widely known and I became more involved. But I didn't look on it as a career. To me it was a mission, a service.

"Fascinating Womanhood became more widely known. A career woman would have envied my position or importance and acclaim, would have wondered why I didn't glory in it. I became more involved, not knowing how to reverse the situtation, responding to demands with a spirit of sacrifice. I confined officework to home and travelled only occasionally, but I was definitely over my head in this work.

"Call me what you like, business executive, career woman, or working wife, but I never totally looked at it this way. To me it has been a mission of charity. It was a unique work which had to be done by a woman. Many lives have changed for the better. The personal sacrifice has been well worth it. But I always put my marriage and family first. This is no doubt why they survived."

Several years ago I received a letter from a lady who challenged my ideas about women and careers. Here is her story:

"During the fifteen years I worked at home I felt guilty and dreamed of the time I could be a full-time homemaker like my mother was. When my husband finally earned enough money I quit.  At first I was elated. It was exciting doing all the things I never had time to do before, but soon I ran out of things to do and found I was not really interested in them after all. My years of working double roles had forced me to be organized and efficient. I got my work out of the way quickly, my house sparkling clean and cooked gourmet meals but there were empty afternoons. There was never a need to rush, plenty of time tomorrow for what I didn't do today. I quit wearing makeup and sat around in an old robe. Why should I be all dressed up and nowhere to go?

"I took classes in macram� but dropped out because of boredom. The women's small talk of recipes and their cute kids seemed unimportant compared to balance sheets and sales motivation discussions of my former job. I felt puzzled over my feelings. I had crying spells, became resentul, depressed and sarcastic. My husband responded with a growing distance. My young son did not seem to care if I was home or not. He liked hamburgers better than may gourmet meals.

"Things worsened untill my husband and son suggested I get a job again. They wanted me, above all, to be happy. Working seemed the right route for me, regardless of what my mother did. I got a part-time job and everything straightened out. I am happy now and so is my family".

My comments are these: If a woman has only one child and he is eight years of age or older, there is no reason she can't get a partime job if she wants to. But it isn't the only solution or the best one. If she were creative she could have made more of her marriage and life in the home, and given service to the community.

She accused her homemaker friends of small talk about recipes and their cute kids. This is somewhat true, but what makes her think balance sheets and sales motivation discussions are more interesting, or evem more important? And not all homemakers engage in small talk. A Hollywood talk show director told me the following: "In my ten-year experience talking to thousands of women in my radio audience, I find the housewife more interesting and more widely read than the career woman. I assume this must be because she has more time to read."

End of Quote

____________________________________________________

Some of my comments:

Helen's view is that a woman's primary role is of a wife, a mother and a homemaker. If she does not succeed in these, then even if she has a successful career, she has failed in being a complete woman. Her book is dedicated to ways in which a woman can succeed in this primary role. The reasons for each point she asserts are explained very carefully, and one may need to read the entire work to get a close picture. However it is not necessary for you to do that unless you are a woman, and you agree in the said as a woman's primary role, willing to make the sacrifices it takes to be successful in this role.

I recently sat in a lecture at UCLA by Angela Davis a famous black author and former black panther and in the midst of the discussion we discussed "womanhood" and what women need to do to get in touch with themselves (of course her focus was primarily black women but I thought the essentials could relate universally to all women). After sitting in the lecture some of the professors and some of the researchers discussed the issues of family and such and one of the main issues that came up was about the fluidity of roles men and women have in today's changing world.

Auzubillahi minash shaitan ir rajeem,

Auzubillahi minash shaitan ir rajeem,

She needs to help yes just like I help. I believe in 50-50 responsibility I don't believe a man "takes care of his wife" I don't believe in the patriarchal structures of marriage as practiced in many muslim countries. I believe in a woman's independence not only at home but in the working world. I will be just as helpful around the house and at work as she is. I will not allow the load to shift one way or the other. I strictly believe in 50-50 share the load mentality.