Urgent Marriage Advice Needed
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Topic: Urgent Marriage Advice Needed
Posted By: jacquie
Subject: Urgent Marriage Advice Needed
Date Posted: 01 August 2008 at 3:42am
| Salam Alykom wa Ramatulahe wa Baraketo I am in a terrible position with my husband. He has told me he doesn't want to be married to me any longer. I am devastated, I love him so much, he is usually a wonderful man. Our problems usually are caused by my jealousy and insecurity. He has hid things from me many times, and then I learn of them and get angry with him. Last week, he told me he needed to change his life, and was going to leave me. I cried and begged him to please not leave for hours. He left but then called me, I kept crying until I passed out, so he came home, and promised he would stay, and said he was sorry for hurting me. Everything seemed to get better until yesterday. He is in Neptune, NJ for meetings for his job, and among others is a woman, that I had found her number on his phone a few weeks ago. When we spoke yesterday afternoon, he told me that he was in his room with his roommate and said that they were going to go walk at the boardwalk. I asked him if the woman was going to go also, and he didn't answer me, so I asked again, and he said yes. He knew this would upset me, but he chose to go because he didn't want to remain in his room alone. I later found out that she sat in the front seat next to him. I was hurt and mad about this and sent him several text messages telling him how I felt, and told him that I was going to leave. He begged me to calm down, that there is nothing between them. I called him later, but his cell phone was turned off, I called the hotel room and no one answered. I tried for an hour to call him. I sent the woman a text message to have him call me and within moments, he called me. He told me that he had been sitting outside of his room. This morning the same thing happened again. After thinking about it, I decided to go to him to suprise him. I bought a new outfit and drove 2 hours to see him. I was waiting for him when he came out of his meeting, he walked out with her and another man, but she was close to my husband. When my husband saw me, he wasn't happy that I was there. We drove back to his hotel, where he told me that he doesn't want to be with me anymore and that he is not coming home. I tried to talk to him, to calm him down, and asked him to please forgive me, but he said it is final that our marriage is over. He did not give me talaaq, but he says that our marriage is over and told me to get in my car and go home. As soon as I got out of the car he left.I sat in my car for a long time crying, I calmed myself and decided to go home to prevent from making him any madder with me. I had a minor car accident on my way home, and because I could not stop crying the police officer would not let me drive my car, and made me get a hotel room or he was going to make me go to the hospital. I sent my husband a message telling him what happened 2 hours ago, and he hasn't called me. I can barely see through my tears to write this email to you, I would do anything it takes to save my marriage, wa'Allahe, and I told him that, but he doesn't care. He is mad that I over reacted to what happened. I partially agree, but also think that it was wrong for him to take that lady with him, and for not telling me the whole truth. Please tell what I should do, I am an American Revert, and sometimes overstep my boundries as a Muslim wife, Wa'Allahe, I know that I should not get so angry, but it hurts that he hides things from me, especially when it involves other women, even if he has not done anything wrong. I asked him to help me control this by not hiding things from me, but he still hides things from. Please, please help me so that I do not lose my husband. I am so devastated about this, I don't want to lose him, he has made such a difference in my life, I love him, and don't know how I will survive with out him. |
Replies:
Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 01 August 2008 at 8:19pm
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Asalam Alaikum Jacquie,
Welcome. Well sad you came to the forum for this reason. Marriage can be such a challenge indeed.
Allah tests all of us.. every person is tested. This is a test. It is more about what your husband does and does not do as it is about your relationship with your Creator.
Our number one goal is to be closer to Allah. I have moments too of extreme distress in my life since becoming a Muslim. And I have learned painfully and slowly that all of this, "angst" is actually a dis-ease of the heart. Truly this is what it is. Yes your husband may be acting one way or another. But one should never love any person or thing more than Allah. It is a challenge. No doubt about that as we are taught byeverything around us to live for this Dunya. It is hard not to get pulled into it.
I see this time and time again, and it is hard not to, don't mis-understand me, where women make their husbands the center of their world. Men are but human with failings and short-comings. One should only put one's complete faith in Allah.
Painful as it may seem, all of this is temporary. Every moment of time is a drop of sand in the bottle. This extreme angst will pass if you ask Allah for help and guidance.
Honestly, you have given your husband way too much power!
As far as practical measures.. has your husband said why he needs a change? I'll tell you, men like to feel "needed" but they are not, in general, fond of excessive emotionally clinginess.
You need to give both of you space.. do you have support, friends or family? It is not the end of the world.
Yes you are "right" in that he should not be making "friends" with other women. There are legitimate ways to go about things. It is allowable for men to have more than one wife. It does not mean you are or are not doing something "wrong". But groveling is not healthy.
So pray to Allah... And work on your deen where you goal in life is to please Allah
I shall add you to my Duas.
Hayfa
------------- When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi |
Posted By: Shasta'sAunt
Date Posted: 02 August 2008 at 11:46pm
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Salaams Sister:
I am sorry about your situation but you will survive. It may not seem like it right now but you are much stronger than you think you are. We all are.
I'm not sure how you feel you have over stepped your boundaries as a Muslim wife? Because you don't want your husband hiding things and being around other women?
If your husband hides things from you then he is creating an atmosphere of distrust and suspicion. Why should he be surprised if you react that way?
If the situation were reversed and he asked you to stay away from a male co-worker and not to spend personal time with the man wouldn't you do what he asked to keep from hurting him? The fact that you made your feelings clear, which by the way WAS NOT an unreasonable request personally and Islamically, and he chose to ignore them and do something that has caused you so much pain is very telling on his part.
Also the fact that you were in a car accident and he hasn't bothered to call and check on you...
As difficult as it may be you have to let him go. The more you try to hold onto him and force him to stay the more trapped he will feel. If he has it in his mind that he wants to leave, you acting crazy possessive is just going to reinforce his reasons for wanting to go. Just give both of you some time.
If you still want him back after his disregard for your feelings then perhaps he will come back after having some time to think.
But Sister, you have to realise, you can't make someone stay with you if they don't want to. No matter what you do. So it is better to keep some dignity because one day you will look back and wonder what the heck you were thinking.
------------- �No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.� Eleanor Roosevelt |
Posted By: jacquie
Date Posted: 03 August 2008 at 6:39am
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**Update**
That night, I did end up in the hospital due to a pancreatitis attack, brought on by the emotions, he went to the hospital and sat with his back to me, with each onset of severe pain, he wouldn't turn around, did nothing to console me, the only time he'd look at me was with so much hate in his eyes. When we left, he offered to drive me back to my room, but I told him no.
I called several area masjids to ask for some intervention, sadly, no one has returned my calls. Maybe if someone were to talk to him, other then his single friends, it would help.
He called me the other day and I asked him for an explaination of how he loves me so much one day and the next he doesn't, he insists he doesn't know, but that it is over.
I have an appointment on Monday to discuss filing for legal seperation, mostly to protect myself, but also if he is not coming home, this is what he wants. This is still so painful, but as everyone says, I will get over it. I have to.
Thank you all for you advice, please keep sending it. Allah knows that I need as much encouragement as possible.
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Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 03 August 2008 at 7:13am
| Do you have children? |
Posted By: jacquie
Date Posted: 03 August 2008 at 8:56am
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I have a 10 year old daughter from my first marriage that is also heartbroken. My husband replaced her father, she even called him Daddy.
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Posted By: Shasta'sAunt
Date Posted: 03 August 2008 at 7:33pm
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"I called several area masjids to ask for some intervention, sadly, no one has returned my calls. Maybe if someone were to talk to him, other then his single friends, it would help."
Perhaps you should go to a musjid and speak to the Imam directly. Do you have a musjid that you go to or where you were married? Do you know any sisters in your area who know a good Imam: one that won't just take the man's side?
The Imam might speak with him if your husband is willing, but he can't make him come back or stay.
I really do understand that feeling of "what happened?". One day things seem o.k. then the next the man you thought you'd spend your life with is a cruel stranger who is walking away. You are probably going to beat yourself up about all of this and wonder what you could have done to stop it or make him stay. How you could have been better, but it isn't really you. It's him. He made this choice and all you can do is decide how you will react to it.
I know it is so hard and maybe for a while you will lose trust in yourself and your judgement because you didn't see this coming and he isn't the person you think he is, but once again it's him. You saw what he wanted you to see until he didn't want you to see it anymore. Now you are seeing the real man you married. Is this a man you would even want to marry, this man you are seeing now? When things get really hard and you feel totally devastated just remember that this is the real man, not the one you have in your memories.
You will be o.k.. It might take a while, but you will be o.k.. And you have to be strong for your daughter. How you react now will affect how she reacts to men in the future. ------------- �No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.� Eleanor Roosevelt |
Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 04 August 2008 at 6:17am
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Asalam Alaikum,
It must be terribly painful for you to be going through this.
As Shasta's Aunt said, you need to be strong for your daughter... hard as it will be.
Marriage is a challenge. People change as they go through life. It is hard to ever pin point "what went wrong." But often people grow in different directions as people and as Muslims.
Focus on Allah. Pray. We do so get caught up in this Dunya. It is HARD not to.
In any case, give yourself time and space. ------------- When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi |
Posted By: jacquie
Date Posted: 04 August 2008 at 4:53pm
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Salam Alykom,
This is all like one horrible nightmare. He was always so loving and attentive, the perfect Muslim husband. I would never have believed this, if I weren't living it.
He called me today, and again he says he can't come home, that he's just not able to. I asked him if he misses me and he doesn't answer, I asked again and he said yes, but that he can't come home. I asked him if is over then why hasn't he given me talaaq, he says he doesn't know.
Allah knows that I am trying so hard to be strong, but everything I look at reminds me of him, my whole life was built around our marriage, and making him happy. I can't eat, just looking at food nauseates me, if I do manage to eat, it doesn't stay with me, I've lost almost 20 lbs in less then a week.
I tried to go to a fair with my brother and our kids this afternoon and had to leave, but just watching the rides I thought I was going to pass out, and ended up leaving my daughter with him and came home.
Before I reverted to Islam, it would have been so easy for me to just buy a new outfit, fix my hair, put some makeup on and move on. Now, I am just sitting in our house, hurting, and praying for him to come home or for the hurt to go away, I wish there was a switch that would make this go away, Wa'Allahe, it is the most painful thing that has ever happened to me.
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Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 05 August 2008 at 7:05am
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Sister Jacquie from what I have read your husband will most likely return as he undoubtedly loves you and your daughter, but was embarrassed and angered by your behavior, which, by the way, under the circumstances, I believe you acted appropriately. Often men and women in the work place form emotional attachments with co-workers of the opposite sex and even though sexual infidelity doesn't happen, emotional infidelity does and this often strains a relationship. Use this time for reflection on the importance of your religion remembering that Allah has promised to test each of us with hardships and also about how you can keep yourself busy with personal pursuits and interests like hobbies, your daughter, etc. Are you in contact with any of this relatives who can intercede on your behalf? Let the relative know that you have a right to protection and maintenance from your husband and for him to leave you and your daughter alone at night is not Islamic. Try to keep your composure when talking to your husband - remind him that in Islam there is a process for divorce and marriage problems that must be adhered to. Leaving the home and separating himself only causes resentment and each of your hearts to grow apart. Firmly place your trust in Allah and use your intelligence to work through this crisis. I have found exercise helpful for stress. Perhaps you and your daughter can take walks. Even if it is difficult to eat - stay hydrated and eat what little you can and remember you have a daughter who needs you. Men can be so fickle and immature, therefore you may have to rise to the occasion to save him also, but you must be strong. Successful marriages need forgiveness, compromise and mature adults or at least one mature adult. Never will you find good when both husband and wife are out of control and childish. Don't give up and may Allah, Most High, help you and your husband. |
Posted By: jacquie
Date Posted: 06 August 2008 at 5:51pm
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Salam Alykom,
I just wanted to take a minute to give an update. He called me yesterday and asked permission to come home because he had no where else to go. There are a lot of single guys in our area, so I know that is not true. I tried to talk to him but still, he refuses, but still no Talaaq, alhumdulilah. I went to him at 2 in the morning, and lied next to him, I held on so tight and told him that I love him, and he said it back and held me, then I guess he woke up and pushed me away. I am taking that as a good sign, he said it.
Tonight he is back, ate a nice dinner, and has ignored me again, I tried to talk to him, but he still insists that I pushed him too far and that he isn't coming back. I know my over jealousness and holding on too tight is what has caused this, and have promised and sworn to Allah that I would change all of it if he were to give me another chance to prove it.
My final words were that if he feels like he has to go to his friends house, then to go on, but that I would prefer that he stay here because it makes me feel safer having him here, even if it is on the couch.
Please make duahs for us. I am going to do my best at not being overbearing, and loosen the strings, maybe if he sees this he will come back.
Anyone have any other suggestions or advice, please send it, It really is helping me.
Salam Alykom,
Sister Jacquie
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Posted By: Shasta'sAunt
Date Posted: 07 August 2008 at 12:36am
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Assalamu Alaikum Sister Jacquie:
You are very sweet. If he told me he wanted to come home because he had nowhere else to go I don't know if I would have been so welcoming.
But good for you that you are backing off. Perhaps if you made yourself busy, maybe make some new friends and spend time with them away from home and him it would be beneficial for you and he would see that you have your own life.
Did you cook the nice dinner he ate before ignoring you? Since he was the one who left and then asked to come back as a favor I don't think you owe him anything. Is he just going to live with you letting you cook and clean for him but not acknowledging your presence? Telling you all of the while that he isn't back, so he is for all intents and purposes in his mind single? Sounds good for him.
Sister, you have to do what you need to so that in your heart and mind you will know that you did all that you could. Then whatever happens you will have a clear conscience. But you don't have to be a doormat. If he wants to live with you, and Islamically he should, then fine but you don't have to take care of him if he is treating you like less than a roommate. Let him get his own food and clothes and make him sleep on the couch. Let him get a taste of what not having a wife really means. You don't have to be mean or rude, just let him fend for himself. If he wants independence then give it to him. ------------- �No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.� Eleanor Roosevelt |
Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 07 August 2008 at 7:47am
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Asalam Alaikum,
i am glad that he has at least comeback.
For a little bit, give BOTH of you some space.... women want to talk and "get answers" but men...well birds of a different feather..
As I have said, eomtional over-neediness is a big issue for women. As Shasta's Aunt said, keep busy, make friends etc. If he is your only souce of some level of validation you will always have issues. You need to focus on what is your deen about. What is Islam.
I reflect back to the Prophet's (SAAW) time. He married several women. All must share his time not only with the other women but his myriad of responsibilies in the community. Some had no children. What did they do, they must have kept busy. It was a hard time where you really worked for your survival.
He probably does love you.. but he cannot be all for you. You cannot give him this much power in your life. At a point in the distance you can bring up Surah or Hadiths about his contact with other women. Use Islam as your base. But do it at another point.
And on the other hand you must work on yourself and making yourself closer to Allah.
Keep us posted. My Duas are with you. ------------- When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi |
Posted By: Chrysalis
Date Posted: 07 August 2008 at 10:02am
Assallamualaikum Sis Jacquie . . .
Your comment above stuck in my mind. Do you think that you cannot distance yourself from him due to Islam or because you love him? You also mentioned before something about bieng a good muslim wife and not asking questions . . . Sister, Islam gives you the right to discuss/ask things from your husband - especially when there is a misunderstanding.
Why do you feel that reverting to Islam has something to do with this painful feeling you have? You can still move on sister, it seems to me from your 'it would have been easy for me to move on' before reversion suggests that you cannot move on now. . .sister you can! Have stength. Islam does not prevent/discourage women from opting out of an unhappy marriage - remarrying (or not) and moving on . . .
I'm in no way bieng careless or dismissive about divorce and your love for him. But sis, unfortunately, he doesnt seem to be responding! And marriage/love cannot be a one way street. . . it has to go both ways. Think about how unhappy you currently are - versus how unhappy you would be after seperation . . . your daugher's emotional wellbieng is also at stake.
I wish I could offer more constructive advise, but have none. Unfort, I cannot think of any advise to keep ur marriage together . . . just be prepared for anything. If your husband wishes to divorce, unfort its his right, and nobody can stop him, even if they wanted to. All we can do is pray that you and your daughter gain happiness and satisfaction from whatver outcome. ------------- "O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young." |
jacquie wrote:Posted By: jacquie
Date Posted: 07 August 2008 at 2:04pm
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Salam Alykom,
Before Islam, I was far from being an angel. I would have gone out dancing, gone out on dates with other men, things that were fun that would get my mind off of the situation, and able to move on.
Since reverting, and then marrying, I have given all I can to build my life around my marriage and my daughter. I am a "homebody", basically because, I was on every beck & call for my husband, as he was for me, with few exceptions. I do have friends, however the one I need is away for the summer, and the others don't really undertand the situation because they are either not Muslim, or not married. I usually help with Sunday school at our mosque, but even that is off for the next few weeks.
Alhumdulilah, Islam gives me strength, and my daughter must hate me by now, but everyday we work on learning new surahs, and making sure she is praying. It's the only thing I have for right now, other than wallowing in self pity.
I was married for 15 years to a very emotionally and physically abusive man, who destroyed every bit of self confidence that I had. My husband helped to rebuild it, or so I thought. I am finding out that he was my self confidence, and am actually terrified now to face the world with out him, although, I promise, I am pushing myself forward and taking each step at a time, it is just so scary. Maybe this is to teach me to stop being so dependent, and be the independent woman my mother wanted to raise, just with my hijab on.  |
Posted By: jacquie
Date Posted: 12 August 2008 at 9:04am
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Salam Alykom,
I think my husband realizes that what he is doing is wrong, he hasn't called his mom since it all started, so I am trying to find as many as possible about keeping families / marriages together as possible. I remember seeing one that said something about those that help to unite a marriage, but I can not find it. Hopefully, if I can help him to remember our faith, he will wake up and come home.
Also, isn't there a hadith that says something against those that intend to destroy a marriage?
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Posted By: Israfil
Date Posted: 12 August 2008 at 2:14pm
| Jacquie, have you ever consulted a marriage counselor? |
Posted By: jacquie
Date Posted: 12 August 2008 at 2:41pm
| I've tried to get him to talk to some one but he refuses. He feels that there is nothing to fix, but at the same time admits that he still loves me. |
Posted By: Shasta'sAunt
Date Posted: 12 August 2008 at 7:07pm
Salaams,
Those Hadith refer to parties outside the marriage. Allah does not like divorce but it is certainly allowed. There is nothing in Islam that says you should or must stay in a marriage when you no longer want to. ------------- �No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.� Eleanor Roosevelt |
Posted By: jacquie
Date Posted: 12 August 2008 at 7:30pm
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Salam Alykom,
I did not mean directly forbidding it, I meant more of that it should ber avoided if possible.
{And live with them honourably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allaah brings through it a great deal of good.}[Qur'an 4: 19]
"A believing man should not hate a believing woman (his wife) since he may hate one of her qualities, but like another." [Muslim] The Prophet also said: "The woman has been created from a rib (the rib is crooked) and she will never continue to be as you desire her to be (i.e. always obedient). If you enjoy her, you will do so while she is still a crooked rib. If you try to straighten it you will break it, and breaking it means divorcing her. So treat women (your wives) kindly." [Al-Bukhaari and Muslim] Moreover, Allaah says (which means): {And do not forget liberality between yourselves.}[Qur'an 2:237].
-"If you fear a breach between the two (husband and wife), appoint an arbiter from his people and another from hers. If they desire amendment, Allah will make them of one mind". (Surah al-Nisa, 4:35) -�Allah likes most, the house which is inhabited in the wake of a marriage and dislikes most the house which is abandoned in the wake of separation.�
These are the ones I could find, does anyone know of any others? |
Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 13 August 2008 at 8:20am
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Salaams Jacquie,
I pray you are having a good day today.
One thing I would add is that you and your husband need to make Islam and pleasing / fearing Allah as the basis of your marriage.
I remember telling a Prospective husband that he would be #2, NEVER #1. Loving Allah should be the most important intention of any person.
It is hard ot have this focus as we are but human and being in this world and yet separate is a challenge.
Sometimes marriages fall apart. People drift apart. Men are typically less effective at verbal communication. Women who "love" their husbands tend to put all eggs of life into that one person. She is typically at home, taking care of home, he is out and about at work, masjid etc. In west, Muslim women are far more isolated than in Muslim majority countries. So they have more busy social lives and this do not rely upon the husband to meet all of their social, emotional and psychological needs. This is even more applicable to reverts at times as they know fewer Muslims.
I would say that when dealing with your husband your main goal is to remain calm. You cantake classes on effective communication. bUt calmly telling him that mixing with other women is not acceptable in Islam. He should be cordial and polite but not "friendly" Big difference. There are boundaries. And really it is about his relationship to Allah. We all are tested. Particularly Muslim men in the west are tested on this level.
And then change the subject.If he continues to do it, he'll answer to Allah.
And really, does your husband fear Allah? Is he not thinknig of the consequences. And that is by what I mean about focusing on Allah. If your husband is not seeking to please Allah and you are.. then that is a big issue.
Find some funthings to do... if nothing else, go read the "Interfaith Dialogue" on this Forum... quite an experience
  ------------- When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi |
Posted By: Israfil
Date Posted: 13 August 2008 at 9:08pm
No, the question is have YOU talked to a marriage counselor?
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Posted By: jacquie
Date Posted: 13 August 2008 at 9:30pm
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Salam Alykom, No, I have not spoken to a marriage counselor, but I will look into it. We do have an appointment to speak to an Imam on Friday, but I don't know if he will actually show.
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Posted By: Israfil
Date Posted: 14 August 2008 at 8:45pm
| Good luck |
Posted By: jacquie
Date Posted: 14 August 2008 at 8:50pm
 *****GOOD NEWS******
Salam Alykom,
Although he refuses to go see the Imam on Friday, he has accepted to come have dinner with us on Sunday, and admitted that he misses us. His attitude tonight was completely different, so Insha Allah, it's a turn for the better. PLEEEEEEASE keep us in your prayers.
|
Posted By: jacquie
Date Posted: 15 August 2008 at 9:32am
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Salam Alykom everyone,
Another GOOD update,
He called me this morning before I left for work and asked if he could come pick up his electric razor. I waited for him, he went into the bathroom to get it, I went into my room so that I didn't have to watch him walk out that door again. He called me, so I went to see. He just made small talk, which is better then what he has been doing, but most important, as he was walking out the door, he said "I Love You".
Insha Allah, this story will have a happier ending then the beginning.
Please keep us in your prayers.
Jacquie
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Posted By: afeefa
Date Posted: 17 August 2008 at 1:59am
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assalmualikum sister jacquie,good to know things are improving with u. Hope Allah makes things better and bring back happiness in your life in much a beautiful way even than before,and may Allah give you a great reward for all the patience and for all the things you are enduring. you are a beautiful sister, i like u, you are sensitive i can say, and also with a kind and loving heart, keep on that nature sis, Allah will reward u for all the hardships u bear for doing whats good. iam not married, and not much mature, am in my late teens,but i know very well how you feel and what all you have gone through, for i have experienced something similar to what u have,but now alhamduliah i feel much better, its like i can say, when Allah wants to test people whom He loves, He puts on them hardships to see how they react, and thereby if we pass the test then surely we are granted increse in guidance and beautiful faith,and a much better position in the sight of Allah.it will be much beautiful then. believe me.its my experince.i love someone and will never want to loose that person.i know how it pains when they want to end.(i never did anything that would displease Allah in the least bit though.) alhamduliah everything is fine now. you are being patient and seeking help from Allah and you put your trust in Him and hope from Him, surely will Allah grant you from His presence, for He is ever listening and forgiving and extremely merciful to His creation,and He will answer your prayers. ch 65 verse3 ....and He will provide him from a place unthought of and whoever puts his trust in Allah,then He is sufficient for him. Allah certainly fulfils His command ,Allah has indeed made a programme for everything. inshallah everything will be fine.he will return to u,inshallah. keep trying to increase your faith, and pray for guidance,be sure your love for ur husband will never be more than your love for Allah. ch 21 verse 88. So We listened to him;and delivered him from distress;and thus do We deliver those who have faith. ch 21 verse 84 So We listened to him:We removed the distress that was on him,and We restored his people to him,and doubled their number-as a grace from ourselves and a thing for commemoration,for all who serve Us. |
Posted By: Shasta'sAunt
Date Posted: 18 August 2008 at 4:46am
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Assalamu Alaikum Sister Jacquie:
How are things going? ------------- �No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.� Eleanor Roosevelt |
Posted By: jacquie
Date Posted: 18 August 2008 at 7:01pm
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Salam Alykom,
We had our "Family Dinner" on Sunday, and it was like having dinner with a stranger, the only conversation was small talk that I initiated. We watched Con Air, and at the end when they play LeAnn Rimes singing "I Need You" I had to walk out of the room.
He asked to get some clean clothes, but as he was getting them he turned around and started towards the hall. I asked him what he was looking for and he said his luggagge so that he could go ahead and take everything. I told him that it wasn't a good time, and to please wait.
When he left, as soon as the door closed my daughter and I both broke down and cried our eyes out. This is really hard on both of us.
I don't know what else to try, is it even worth trying to have another dinner this week, and maybe it will be a little less uncomfortable. I don't know.
This morning I found a really nice Nasheed on YouTube. It's called "Zawjaty (( My Wife )) A Very Beautiful Nasheed ..", what I could understand it was beautiful, so I sent it to him. All I know is that he did check his email, but I don't know if he actually listened to it.
He called me tonight, and this time it was me not answering the phone, avoiding him. I didn't want to hear his voice because I cry as soon as we get off the phone.
I still want him to come home just as much as the first day, but I am so tired of hurting, and seeing my daughter hurting. I really don't know what else to do. Any suggestions?
Salam,
Jacquie
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Posted By: Shasta'sAunt
Date Posted: 19 August 2008 at 1:25am
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Walaikum Assalaam:
Sister, I think you should try to keep your daughter out of this as much as possible. If this constant up and down with him is hard on you imagine what it is doing to her, she is just a child. It can't be healthy for her.
If it were me I'd just leave it alone. You have let him know that you want him back, and you have given him all of the power in making this decision. There really isn't anything else you can do with regards to him.
You could focus on your daughter and try to make this easier for her. Maybe you guys could go away for a few days and take a break from all of the drama. Show her that even though this bad thing is happening between you and him, it is not happening between her and him and YOU still put her first and will still be there for her no matter what. ------------- �No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.� Eleanor Roosevelt |
Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 19 August 2008 at 12:28pm
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Asalam Alaikum,
Jacquie this is very sad to read. It must be very disheartening for you and your daughter.
I agree with Shasta's Aunt, you need to focus on your daughter and protecting and helping her. You need ot help give her space, she is really young. And this can really affect her in many ways as she gows into adulthood.
I think also its important for you to get support from other adults, it can be friends or a counselor etc. This is important for you and your daughter. Yes it is painful but it is NOT the end of the world.
I agree you need to give things space and time.... the more you push the more it can just cause you heartache.. and really.. as SA said... he'll do what he is going to do. Sometimes the HARDESt thing to do is to let go of the thing or person we want to squeeze and hold onto tight and never let go. Sometimes you have to open your hand up and let it go.. and yes this is metaphorical, but it is mental.. he says he loves you but needs to leave.. well.. he may not know what he wants and such.
My duas for you..
------------- When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi |
Posted By: jacquie
Date Posted: 19 August 2008 at 3:00pm
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Salam Alykom,
I really do appreciate your advice, and agree. Unfortunaley, there are not many Muslims where I live for me to get good advice from. My best friend's idea of helping me get past this was for me to go to dinner with her and 2 men, I did not go of course. My family just make comments about maybe now I'll stop wearing the towel on my head. Alhumdulilah you have been here for me.
I have made an appointment for my daughter & I to speak to a counselor on Thursday, we both need it. I have also decided that I am not going to call him or try to contact him in anyway, either he will miss me and look for me or it will start me preparing my life without him. It's killing me, but like you have said, I have to be strong and accept that this is Allah's will, I don't have a choice, all I can do is be stronger, and keep building my faith in Islam, Alhumdulilah.
Salam Alykom,
Jacquie
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Posted By: afeefa
Date Posted: 20 August 2008 at 7:06am
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assalamulaikum, dear sis jacquie, Its painfull indeed to read, the things are not smooth, but dont loose anyhope sis, trust in Allah whatever the result comes of it, inshallah it will the best for u. It seems ur husband really have no serious intentions of leaving u, or may b no intentions of leaving u at all.Sis he is confused, he is upset for ur sensitivness. He dosent want u to b so, may b he is hurted that u dont trust him.He loves u, may b he is doin this all to bring a change in u(he might b serious about it). you havent done anything wrong , u dint cheat him, or fought with him, u have always been good to him, he dosent have a strong reason to b leaving u.He is hurting u no doubt, but perhaps he feels thats the only way he can bring change in u.for he says he loves u, and so being far from u hurts him too. be patient as u are sis, and dont let urself get hurt much and even ur daughter. hope from Allah and pray, inshallah things will b better soon. will pray for u, dont ever loose hope in Allah.He will answer you and respond to you, inshallah. involve urself in reading of the quran and salaah, it will help u ease , and grant peace to ur heart. certainly in the rememberance of Allah does lies peace.and remember the saying of our prophet Muhammad pbuh,"A believer is not beset by any hardships or fatigue or illness or grief or even a worry except that Allah will expiate his sins thereby. ch 2 verse 45-" Nay,seek (Allahs)help with patient perseverance and prayer:it is indeed hard, except to those who bring a lowly spirit--- ch 14, verse 34" And He giveth you all that ye ask for............." keep in touch sis. hope to hear good from u ... |
Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 20 August 2008 at 12:23pm
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My best friend's idea of helping me get past this was for me to go to dinner with her and 2 men,
Well clearly she does not know you too well!
Well I am a big proponent that sometimes you need mental relief. We women are very intense and we THINK far too much at times, often to our own detriment. So I think escapism is a good thing. Go see a movie, read a good novel. Now of course you should see to be closert to Allah..
This past weekend I just closed the shades, and did my own thing.. watched a little TV etc.. sometimes I and anyone just needs a break. Especially if you are the type to push and push yourself.. Its like an athlete, yes you need to push hard to achieve, and sometimes you need a couple of days off to rest. I watch sports to relax sometimes.. its mindless stuff and I need to give my very active brain a break.
And also, admit if you feel like crap and maybe are depressed. You know what.. it happens. Your life has just had the rug pulled out from it.
Men are a different kettle of fish... Its the same devistation when a man wants a 2nd wife etc.. ------------- When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi |
Posted By: afeefa
Date Posted: 23 August 2008 at 8:15am
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Well I am a big proponent that sometimes you need a mental relief.We women are very intense and we THINK far too much at times, often to our own detriment, So I think escapism is a good thing. I agree with u sis hayfa. Men are a different kettle of fish... lol sis, i would say they are a new subspecies in making... |
Posted By: thaniya
Date Posted: 28 August 2008 at 11:12pm
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Asalam aleikum Jacquie and daughter,
Inshallah I hope you are all well. Really sorry to read about what you are going through. You know what whenever I feel down, whenever things are not going my way I always remember that they are people out there who are going through so much worse. Count your blessings Allhamdulilah, you have a healthy daughter (and as sweet as you sound am betting some of your sweetness has rubbed off on her too), you have Islam the very best gift anyone can EVER give you Allhamdulilah think of all those who have not been as blessed, you have your health... you may have lost your husband and feel you've lost such a big part of your life, but you have Allah and that is EVERYTHING my dear. Ramadhan is coming up, a great opportunity to concentrate on improving your relationship with Allah. Try attending halaqas, try going for Taraweh, concentrate on your ibadaah, take up hobbies you had before (halal of course), have quality time with your daughter(organize a pick nick with her and her friends why not), concentrate on the good in your life and Inshallah Allah will make it easy for you. And you have us to boost your morale too, aren't you the blessed one! |
Posted By: jasmine
Date Posted: 09 October 2008 at 1:51pm
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Hi Jacquie,
I hope you read your messages and I hope I am not too late in replying.
I am sooo sorry my dear sister.
This is surely a test from Allah to test your Iman. I can almost relate to you, the only thing you can do is have patient and keep praying and crying to to the creator.
Do tahajjud prayers in the middle of the night.
I know it is hard and I know you are sufferring, but inshallah at the end you will see good results from Allah (SWT) inshallah.
If you want, I can give you my email address , so we can talk, I live in NY.
May allah help you and give you SABr Inshallah.
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Posted By: shawaya
Date Posted: 11 October 2008 at 1:06pm
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Salamu allaykum sister,may God be with you in this hard times.i am sorry you are going thru this, but remember allah and that this is a test. my grandma always said that men's desire increase as womens decrese. what i am trying to say is that show him that you are strong enough, we are human being. we sometimes take pride when someone makes us most important thing in their world, you have your doughter and you health and most importantly you have allah. LET HIM KNOW that this marriage should mean to him as much as it means to you!. i don' want to think that its a game, but for 1 week see if you can't make him belief that you are OVER HIM. i think you husband does want to come back its just that he doesn;t want to be that needy. man do not do well with needy wifes. Summit youself to allah and show him your OK. when he calls You want to change something in your life too. that u want to be happy and that if you do get back together. he should treat you how he want to be treated.
My Duas are with you sister.
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Posted By: jacquie
Date Posted: 13 October 2008 at 6:48pm
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Salam alykom Sisters,
I am sorry for not letting you all know how things are going, but having my husband home I don't seem to have much free time
 I finally had enough of him saying he loved me and then saying he didn't say that the next, that I told him that I was done.
 I told him I didn't want him to call me, message me, or to see him ever again, I told him to give me talaaq through the imam at the mosque, and that I would file for legal divorce.That night after taraweah prayers he was home begging for forgivence and to come home. It was hard at first, but each day I trust him more and more, and it's easy to see that we really love eachother so much, our fairytale is back, Alhumdulilah. I think I say alhumdulilah at least 100 times a day just for having him back home and our marriage happy again. ALHUMDULILAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 Thank you all so much for your support and your prayers, I love you all so much. Please remember that I am also here for any of you that need a shoulder to cry on, an ear to scream in, Allah haliki.
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Posted By: Shasta'sAunt
Date Posted: 14 October 2008 at 5:08pm
Assalamu Alaikum:
Good for you for sticking up for yourself and making him man up. Just remember to stay strong and keep your faith in Allah, not any man.....
Best of wishes to you, your daughter, and husband.
------------- �No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.� Eleanor Roosevelt |
Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 15 October 2008 at 7:32am
 ".....and making him man up."
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Posted By: afeefa
Date Posted: 16 October 2008 at 9:49am
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Assalamualikum sis, am so glad to know that u r happy again.
"When My servants ask thee [O Muhammad] concerning Me, [tell them] I am indeed close: I listen to the prayer of every suppliant when he calls on Me: Let them also, with a will, Listen to My call, and believe in Me: That they may walk in the right way" (Quran http://www.islamicity.com/quran.asp?s=2:186 - 2:186 )
"Your Lord says: 'Call on me, I will answer [your prayer]" (Quran http://www.islamicity.com/quran.asp?s=40:60 - 40:60 ). |
Posted By: azon
Date Posted: 20 October 2008 at 5:51pm
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Assallammualaikum sister,
"Innallah maksabirin" this was what my late great uncle used to say to every people he spoke to, and he was a pious man, alhamdullillah.
the Arabic phrase means "ALLAH is with people who is patience".
So you got your test from ALLAH about love, and someone else like me have man who love me but we face challenges about money to help us go through our basic living cost.
Many times I want to leave him, but what stop me is his obedient to ALLAH, his relationship with ALLAH, although he is a revert since 6years ago.
Please consider the most important in your heart is not human relationship but relationship with ALLAH. You dont need a man's approval but ALLAH.....you will feel peace, loved, cared ....all from ALLAH.
love yourself, love ALLAH, be happy you're healthy
azon
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