I am in desperate need of some sort of help or guidance before i go completely insane....

I have been married almost 2years and have a baby girl aged 4months... my husband and i are having so many problems... i do not know what is wrong with him.. he can be normal one day then just totally flip the next...sometimes i fear he may have a jin in him the things he says and does...

He used to be so nice now i do not know what happened to him... he is always so nasty to me, and is always bringing me down in front of people, especially his mum. She interferes so much in our life and she is one of the reasons for our probs...

We live on our own in a different town... but his mum puts things in his head... she is always saying stuff about me to him, and obviously he comes and shouts at me... i do not know why...

Another thing is that he always accuses me of having affairs etc... i have never and will never ever be unfaithful to my husband but he does this... sometimes i think he is using that as an excuse to shout and swear at me...

 

He has no respect for anything i say, and if i try to tell him how i feel he gets angry and says he will divorce me and take my child so far from me i will never see her... how can he say things like that which are so hurtful? He also says he should have rather married his ex girlfriend (she is not muslim)... why is he so nasty? He never listens to me at all... i work over 8hours a day and help with bills etc but he takes control of my bank cards and money... and he never gives me any money, he will give me the exact amount for my train ticket... i never buy anything but he can spend money as he pleases...

He gambles our money in the casino, and sometimes loses so much, he also drinks alcohol... i have never judged him for these things but he is so bad to me. And his parents have no idea of his bad habits but i have never said anything. My parents live in South Africa and he does not let me keep in contact with them..he says he does not want my baby to ever see them, he will not let me travel there... how can he be so mean?

 

He does not let me see my family here in the uk, i feel like i am in prison... he will not even put money in my phone, so if there is ever an emergency i cannot even call or text anyone... the worst thing is that he beats me up so badly and calls me such bad names...

After i had the baby he treated me so badly... i suffer till now from back problems because i could not take care of myself after the birth... i had to clean the house like a maid and i hardly got any sleep. He and his mum used to make me clean when the baby was sleeping so i did not ever rest.

 

I am so depressed and i do not know what to do... Please sisters give me some guidance, i am so unhappy...

About the girlfriend... i know most men have lots of girlfriends before marriage so that does not really bother me. What bothers me is the way he treats me. And i do not know what to do.

 

 am sorry to hear you are in such troubles.  Everything about this man's behavior is quite unislaimic...what can one say except you really should consider leaving. You really should. Get help from anyone.. so you can leave. He is a batterer and abuser.

 

Men like this will try and isolate you as he has done. This is a sure sign of an abuser. ANd if you cannot think of yourself, think of your daughter. What is she going to grow up seeing?

 

Where did you find this guy? Did your parents find him for you? He really is the classic type of abuser guy.

 

You are a human being and deserve better treatment. And this has to  start from YOU. You should not accept this behavior. It is unislamic. You are a person, with rigts and feelings. It IS hard. Hard to change.

 

He also sounds like a 'mama's boy" whose mother never taught him true responsibiity, never taught him consequences and maturity. Sometimes it manifests itself it terrible ways.

 

Did your MIL approve of his marriage to you? Really approve?

 

You have to get help. If you go to work, I am sur someone will help and let you call your family. Sometimes the hardest thing IS to ask for help. People are good. Tons of people have phones I am sure  they will let you borrow it.

 

You need to take care of yourself and your daughter.

 

My Duas are with you.

 

Hayfa

 

 

My parents were ok with the marriage because they obviously had no idea the monster he is, neither did I actually.

 

His mum actually confronted me with the proposal... now she has changed as well. Yes he is mama's boy....

 

This one is a no-brainer. Sister, dump him.

 

I dont think you can 'help him' or 'repair him' . . . no need to waste your time. This kind of behaviour is usually deep rooted, and such habits are hard to kick. If he just had one or two bad things about him, one could have managed. . . but I dont see anything good about him.

 

Remember sis, no husband is better than a bad husband. Insha'allah Allah will do better for you. It will be extremely tough, if not impossible to continue living with a man who threatens to take away your infant daughter, who is dependent on you, who drinks and gambles and has a short temper - not to mention an inferiority complex that causes him to fly into jealous rages. . .  You dont know if he could stoop to beating you, or harming you . . .

 

Please take care of yourself and your daughter, and consider both your lies and happiness, and make an appropriate decision. To hell with customs and norms and society, and what-ppl-will-say.

I wish i could leave him, the thought has crossed my mind...

But i have nowhere to go, and what about my baby? Hewill make sure i never see her, i know that... i have nowhere to run to, and no money either becuase he keeps all my bank stuff, and my passport as well...

And i am a foreigner in th uk, my visa expires in feb next year... so what do i do...

 

I know his habits are terrible and will never change... i pray everyday that Allah gives me strength, and patience... i am not worried about myself but only my baby, she is so innocent...

 

His parents are also a big factor in our problems, they interfere too much, especially his mother... and she is supposed to be a good muslim, she is a 5time namaaz prayer, she fasts and everything, and yet she is such a nasty person...

 

I have never hated anyone in my life and now i am beginning to... i do not understand how people can be so horrible... what is the world coming to?

Please sisters make dua for me and my bay that all will be okay... 

 

I would like a married man to read my topic and also give his views on it... i have tried my best to be a good wife and get kicked in the teeth for it...what makes a man behave in this way, please help me to understand....

think about your baby and yourself for now. may god help you.

Call the cops on him. atleast once, so he will learn his lesson

 

If you live in the UK there are laws against him taking your child. Go to see the authorities and an attorney to make sure you have protection in place, then you can get rid of him.

 

It is true, isolation is a huge red flag when it comes to men who are abusive. He is already being verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive. Don't wait for him to start physically beating you, or perhaps your child.

 

Will it get better..doubtful

 

Why are some men like this.... cause they are what commonly referred to as PIGS.. sorry for so blunt. They are just mean people. And actually having a baby can exacerbate things as once you have kids you cannot do the free-wheeling lifestyle.

 

Is he a British citizen?

 

He cnnot keep your child from you.

 

My duas are with you.

He always says he will fight me to death for custody of the baby and will make sure i never see her and that i suffer...

Yes he is british, born here...and baby is too...i am from south africa so am just on a visa, i have to apply for indefinite stay next year. He also says that he will tell immigration not to grant me stay and send me home...those are thre types of threats i get... so i am so scared...

 

Nothing i ever do is enough, i work like a slave, in the office and at home, yet he has no respect for me and no consideration... i do not have access to my on money because he keeps my bank cards etc...

 

I have heard from a womens aid helpline, but they require too much evidence to file a law suit, which i do not have...they need doctors reports, police reports etc...which i do not have...and how can i get them... now he has become clever, when he hits me he makes sure its in a place where no one can see a bruise....

 

 

Does he work? Is he the one who takes care of the child?

 

You can go to the authorities and ask for assistance? Can you go to the South AFrican Embassy and ask for help? Call them and ask what you can do. Tell them you are here and held against your will, the person holds your papers and won't give them back, what should you do? THey should be able to get you copies.

 

Can you take your baby with you to the embassy? If you are in the embassy he cannot do anything to you.

 

 

How does he get your paycheck? Can you ask your employer for help? 

 

How did you mee this guy????

 

Also you need ot see an immigration lawyer. Do you want ot stay in country or not? The safest thing to do is to leave the country. But it all depends on circumstances back home.

 

And tell the aid people you don't want a lawsuit, you need protection and a place to hide with your baby unti lyou get the paperwork from the embassy, hospital etc.

 

if you were in thr US I would know how to help.

 

Can your parents or another relative come and take you away? You have relatives in UK right? Have them come get you and the baby or meet them at work and go into hiding with the baby for awhile. You need advocates for you. You relatives should be doing that. Don't try to do this on your own. You will not be able to "fight" emotinoally and mentally if you stay with him. Take the baby with you and fight it out in court. But to stay it will only get worse not better.

 

And no, you cannot reason with people like this. Sorry to say. Its not just one thing, its many factors and if he is abusing you.. it won't get better. And maybe not now, but he could turn on the child. You never know.

 

You really need to get assistance. There are people who can help... you just need to keep looking. Don't give up.  The good thing is you do go to eork and are not trapped at home. 

 

My Duas are with you.

 

Hayfa 

 

wasalam alikum...im  when i read your story... hes not a good husband... i pray for you..inssha allah.. take care.. /one sister from sweden

MAYBE SEE A SOCIAL WORKER ABOUT THIS AND GET ADVICE.

 

I only wish you were in the US, I would come get you myself and get you and that little angel away from him.

 

I know how hard this is, I was in an equally abusive relationship for 15 years, where his family also caused a lot of problems. I am not sure but I am pretty sure that the same type of laws that we have in the US against domestic violence is equal more or less in the UK.

 

The best advice I can give you is the next time he hits you, go to the police, report that he has hit you, they make take pictures, but that is a good thing because it will serve as proof of domestic violence, if you can call the police while he is beating you even better. If he has charges against him no judge will give him custody of your daughter.

 

Go to a woman's shelter, get help from them , a  lot of time they will provide you with protected shelter, food, child care, legal help, clothes, you name it. Maybe even a ticket for you and your you back to the UK. I know sometimes it is hard to accept charity, but you need to get away from him, not just for you, but for your daughter more.

 

He is emotionally and physically abusive to you, it has been proven that a child that is raised in this type of home grows up to either be an abuser, or to be a victim of domestic violence. Do you want your daughter to be a victim one day????? of course not, she has to be the reason you find strength to get away. Don't go THEY DO NOT CHANGE!!! They only become more abusive and more controlling.

 

His insults and treatment of you is intentionally to lower your self esteem, so he can always control you. Please, as your sister in Islam, and a victim of domestic violence, I am begging you to get out and stay out before you or your daughter become a fatality statistic of domestic violence. He may not have hit her yet, but as she grows he will most likely also turn to her to beat. Don't let him hurt her, like he has done to you.

 

My story - I spent 9 years being abused, had guns at my head, chased with a hot iron, punched slapped, kicked, called all kinds of names. Belittled until I had no self esteem and had lost myself. When I got pregnant with my daughter, I told him that I would nit allow her to be raised in an abusive home, and he knew I was not bluffing, and from the time I was 3 months pregnant until she was 4, the abuse stopped, or so I thought. I actually had lost myself so much that I was doing everything I could to please him so that he wouldn't go into a rage and abuse me in front of my daughter.

 

One evening, I came home from work and looked at my daughter and told her, "be a good girl, Dadddy is tired". Alarms went off, and I wanted to turn the car around and run. But I went in and told him that I needed him to leave, that I couldn't live like that anymore,  he asked to stay until he could find someplace to live. I accepted, and he treated me like a diamond, anything I wanted, I got.

 

My best friend from high school invited me to go to an Iftar with her, and he actually gave me permission, but I had to take my daughter. He called me every 15 minutes screaming, telling me to get home. I stayed, and enjoyed my evening the best I could. When I went home, I carried my sleeping daughter to her bed, next to our bed. He came in and told me he wanted to talk to me. I told him that I would prefer that we waited until the next day because he was drunk. He jumped on me, and held me down on the bed and started screaming at me, calling me names, and accusing me of infidelity. I apologized and did everything to calm him down, scared that he would wake our daughter and she would witness the abuse.

 

The next morning, I went to the court and got a protective order, and went to my best friend's house (November 17, 2003). The police went to our home and allowed him to get his clothes, and made him leave. I stayed at my friend's house for several days, too afraid that he wouldn't respect the court order. He had also threatened that he would kill me and kidnap our daughter.

 

When we went to court for the protective order to be made permanent, he tried to have the judge give him shared custody, for her to live with him 3 days out of the week. But because of the domestic violence and threats, the judge gave him 3 hours a week to spend with her, he wasn't allowed to take her out of the county. If he was 5 minutes late he would have been arrested for kidnapping. Alhumdulilah, we lived in a county where the judges go very hard on abusers.

 

I did this for my daughter, I had to break the cycle of abuse so that she wouldn't be a victim. Alhumdulilah, I am now married to a loving man that loves my daughter like his own, and treats me with complete respect. My daughter is now 10 years old and mashaAllah is very strong, and was not affected by her father's abuse.

 

Sis, you need to be strong and do this for that precious little angel, don't let him scare you with his threats. You need to be strong, so that your daughter can grow up to be a strong young woman.

 

I will keep you & your daughter in my prayers, may Allah protect you both from this neanderthal, and may he give you the strength to escape and go forward to become a strong Muslimah.

 

Salam,

 

Jacquie

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

where is your family, they need to know what you are going through.Where is your Wali, you need to contact him and have him talk with your husband.

 

jihad

Jazakallah for all your replies, it makes me feel better to know that I can express my feelings and thoughts in confidence. This is a fantastic website and I am so happy to have found it...

 

I have not been able to reply the last few days, been tied up at work...

The weekend was surprisingly ok. He did not shout at me or hit me... but i am keeping my guard up becos i know he can turn in a split second.

 

I have made a decision though... i have decided that if he dare lays a hand on me one more time, that will be his judgement day. Then i don't care about a thing, i will do whatever it takes to make sure my daughter and i are safe and far away from him and his family.

 

I have many things i can use against him to prove that he is unfit to have custody of the baby, but he has nothing on me, becos i have never done anything bad, and i do not have any bad habits.

 

I also work and contribute to paying the bills. He has my bank cards, cheque book etc, and my wage goes directly into that account. I cannot open another account rite now.

 

I do know the best way is for me to go back to my country, but my daughter does not have a passport. He is purposely delaying getting her a passport becos he thinks i may do a runner. he has also said that he wants to put her under his passport, so she obviously cannot travel unless he is present.

 

He has totally isolated me from my family, and i am not allowed to contact them. Even if i do, what can they possibly do for me? Everyone has their own issues and i do not want to be a burden on anyone.

 

I hate that this has happened to me, and i feel sorry for my child that she has to go thru this...

I know he will never change, once a man calls u such bad things and abuses u he has lost all respect for you.

 

And honestly, i don't want to be with him at all... and i will never trust him again, even if he says he will change, the damage has been done.

 

Just let him even hit me once more, and i will get a protection order against him, i can leave his house i don't mind, as long as i have my baby.

 

I have called a womens aid helpline and they have given me some advice, and told me the necessary documents etc i need to fight against him.

 

Inshallah it will all be ok, Allah is great... Jazakallah for keeping me in ur duas sisters...

 

 

Assalamu Alaikum Sister:

 

A man who does such things has lost all respect for himself. He abuses others to make himself feel better or superior in some way because he knows that he is worthless. His only consolation is in trying to make someone else feel weaker and afraid.

 

You personally have nothing to do with it. You just happen to be the unlucky woman who married him. If he had married someone else he would be doing and saying the same things to her. But you yourself are far above him and you should NEVER let anything he says to try to demean you or to try to make you feel less than you are matter to you.

 

I know that the words are far worse than the hitting, and long after you are gone some of what he has said will come back to haunt you. Just decide now that his words are meaningless and he is a useless human being that doesn't deserve your consideration.

 

May Allah keep you safe until you can get away.

 

 

Another incident yeaterday, but not as bad as it could have been, just some verbal abuse... my husband brought my daughter in to my work to show everyone, but my company is such high security not just anyone can come in, nad we were rushing for a meeting so only had 10mins to show baby to everyone... so i told him i will take her in and bring her out quickly... and oh dear...the things that went thru his mind... he started shouting at me when i got home that i did not want to take him inside my work place because i am having an affair!!! I mean where on earth did that come from!!!

And a friend of his works in the same office, and he has been telling my husband things which are not true...unless my husband is just making it up to try and get information from me...

I have colleagues at work but i have never and will never do anything bad, it is not in my character. I am a married woman, regardless of how nasty my husband is i keep my respect in that way, i would never ever be unfaihful or anything like that...

 

So now he said once more that he is taking my daughter away from me...and leaving me... he told me his parents are coming tomoro and he is sending my baby back with them...which he cannot becos if he just dares, i will call the police because they are taking my child without my consent, so that is called kidnapping here... they cannot do that at all...

He accuses me of so many thngs, and he was calling me a wh*re as well... i have never cheated or done anything bad...

I don't know if he is insecure about himself or something that he has to treat me this way.

 

Salaam Alaikum,

 

Yes, i'm a guy but not qualified to give counsel. I'll just give my opinion.

 

I think your husband is dependent on his mom for concurrence in every issue. He maybe wanting to come out of it but doesnt have the courage. He's totally depressed. Explains the drinking, gambling and mood swings. Reasons could be that he feels he's not being man enough or he may have aspired  to marry his ex. Thats probably why he's harassing you, trying to prove who the man is. Whatever, he's made you his punching bag and acting like a sadomasochist. Trying to change him will work only if he's willing to change and you got to know what his problem really is. I dont think you should wait for that. Probably change would come when his mom kicks the bucket. On what to do next, do whats best for you and the baby. I would suggest what the other members did, divorce the guy. Get in touch with your parents and a women's organisation for support. Or like Hayfa suggested contact your embassy.

Pray and keep your trust in Allah. I'll pray for you.

 

I need some quick advice... my husband has started to suspect that i am planning something, even tho he does no tknow what exactly. Because of this he said in order to protect himself, since he does not trust me, he wants me to write a letter saying that under any circumstances he gets full custody of my baby.

Now obviously i cannot do that, but if i refuse then he is going to accuse me of doing something, and say its because i must be guilty of something.

I am hoping to see the doctor on monday and get a reprt to say i have been physically abused. if i do that i can then call the police and demand my passport and bank stuff.

In the mean time, what do i do till then?

He wants to send my child to his parents over the weekend because he is going to be working, and he does not trust her at home with me in case i do a runner...

if he does take her however, i will call the police and say they have taken her against my will...

 

How are you? Please send us an update as soon as you can.

 

Sarah

Alhamdulillah I am doing alright. Over the weekend my husband attacked me again, but this time I went to see my GP and  Health visitor, who recorded the incident on file. They have made an appointmnet for me to meet a lady that works in the police dept, especially to do with domestic violence. They have seen proff of my bruises etc, and are going to advise me on what to do next.

 

As for my husband, i think he suspects i am up to something, so since the incident he has been exceptionally nice to me... but i am keeping up my guard just in case...

 

Thank you for your concern, I will let you know how things progress... I have been offered accomodation by a friend if i need to leave urgently. And my health visitor has told me that there is no way he will be able to take the baby, especially because now thay have recorded domestic violence in my file.

 

Take care,

Salaams...

 

And yes people will "Turn around" and give the face they think they need to show. Some people are really, really smart. Jusy don't be fooled.

 

Keep us posted so we know you are alright.

It does seem as though i do not want to make it better, but it is easier said than done...

i do want to get ouot of this hell of a marriage, but i am just scared to take that initial big step... i have many worries... not about myself but for the future of my daughter. What if we have shared custody and she has to be moved up and down, imagine how that will have an effect on her life...it would not be fair...

 

i know in my heart staying with this man is no good for her as well... but what am i to do...i am in no position to just take control and go through with everything...

 

Where would i start? Lawyers are an extra expense as well...and to apply for my visa is very expensive as well... things are very confusing... and i don't know how to go about things...

As for concern with joint custody remeber truth always comes out. Allah will show your daughter the true colours of her dad. It'll be worse if she see's you more miserable and abuse later on, now's the perfect time while she's still small and before there are more kids.   

It's very easy for other people to give advice and say dump him, because they are outdsiders and its easy for us to make judgements but it is you and only you who will face them so its best for you to make a safe decision. Sometimes its not easy to walk away because there is too much to lose and leaving the person will cause more problems than staying with them.

But i guess ur in a no win situation, the only thing you can do is, fulfill ur duty as a wife and bring up your daughter and so atleast he cant put his finger up and say oh u havent done this or you havent done that. If u want you can privately msg or email me and i can offer some help or if not i can atleast lend you an ear:)

 

Just wanted to let you know that this weekend i got the courage to tell my family what has been going on. they came to pick my baby and i up, nd i have been at their house since last nite. i am not going back to my husband, i am going to live here with my cousins, and they are going to look after my baby and i. i have spoken to my parents and they have advised me to leave this man as well. his parents also know what is going on.

Today my husband came to my cousins house and i spoke to him nicely and told him i do not want to be in this relationship any longer, but he can see his child because i will never stop that...

I got my bank card, passport etc back from him as well...

My family have been here for me, and i am not scared anymore. i am very sad that it has come to this but i know that Allah has  plan for me nd Inshallah i will be happy. i just had to get out of the hell i was in...

Jazakallah to everyone who has kept me in their duas, may Allah forgive all your sins, protect you, and grant you jannatul firdous Inshallah...

I will keep in touch just to let everyone know what is happening... Assalamu alaikum....

 

Subhanallah, great news sister. Will keep u in my prayers. . . keep us posted. And keep ur chin up! :)

 

 

I am very happy that you and your baby are safe, Al HamdilAllah.

Please let us know how you are both doing....

 

 

 

 

I'm so happy for you and you did the best thing, it's a blessing that you got your personal documents in your posession.

I hope he has no access to your bank account/card. Just to be on safe side you might want to change the access code or take his name out of the account to be on the safe side.

I have a feeling now that you stood up he could be scared.

I know alot of other children even from broken homes but when they are nourished with good love from the parent the child ends up being supportive.

 

Duas are with you and the baby still.

 

Everything will be alot better foryou now inshallah. 

 

Give yourself space and time for you to recover. Often it is not the physical wounds but the mental and emotional ones that pain us the most. Be kind to yourself.

 

Allah has made we women Strong! Some perceive us as "weak" due to physical stature. But we deal with alot.  May Allah reward you for your patience.

 

My Duas are with you and the baby.

 

Hayfa

 

Sisters i also want to ask a very important question so please respond as quickly as you can...

We have had so many arguments, and in almost every one of those arguments, even tho it was just us two, he has said to me "i am giving you talaaq" Does this mean we are already divorced a long time ago? Because he has said it ore than 3 times... about 20 times even!!! I need to know, because my uncle is coming from south africa, and we were going to go with him to my husband and ask him to give me talaaq. Please let me know if you know about this, because maybe that will not be necessary if he has already said it.

 

Baby and i are doing fine Alhamdulillah... Yes women are very strong... i thank Allah for giving me the strength to take such a big step. I know Allah hates divorce but i will make dua and pray everyday that he makes me maaf Inshallah...

 

I will keep you informed as to the progress of the matter. Please respond to my question as soon as possible.

 

Allah will forgive you inshallah as this was the last thing you wanted(a divorce), you only did this as the last choice since there was no other option.

You had a legitamite reason for your divorce so Allah will forgive you Inshallah.

By the way do not sign anything without knowing what you are about to sign, and he can't threaten you to sign against your will.

For the talaaq I may be wrong so please confirm with an Islamic Scholar, but even a woman can obtain through the Islamic Scholar/Islamic court and get divorce by asking for it.  

 

I am not sure anyone would know the answe, as qumus said, you will need to ask a scholar.

 

Keep us posted. We are your sisters here.. we may never meet but we are here for you.

 

Hayfa

 

My husband was supposed to meet with me on saturday to do talaq and he just stood us up and ignored our calls. I went to the police last night and made a report and they have arrested him and taken him in for questioning. Inshallah it will all work out... i will keep you informed, but i think we are taking it to court on the charge of actual body harm...

Insha'allah you will find happiness.

 

Peace & love to you,

 

FatimaNicole