The following has been extracted from the CD, "The Quest for love and mercy" 2006, by Bilal Dannoun.
Being in happy in the home results in lots of benefits to the individual as well as the society.
Following is a list of dot points that will inshala assist in cultivating love in the home:
1-Compatibility (Al-Kafa'a), chap. Al-nisa, v.3, when mind-frames clash, problems occur.
2-Taqwa (fear of Allah), distancing yourself from the things that hurt you, acting upon the Quran/Sunnah, being content with what you have, preparing yourself for the hereafter (definition by Ali ra).
3-Balanced lifestyle-time for your deen, time for your body, time for your soul...hadith on: your Lord has a right over you, your body has a right over you and your family has a right over you, so give each its due right.
4-Be open and frank with your spouse (musaaraha). Theres two types of openness-positive and negative. Don't reveal your sins or say hurtful things.
5-Understand the spychology of the opposite gender, dont expect the opposite gender to be like yourself, couples must acknowldge the differences between the genders. Al-Imran 3, verse 36 "And men are not like the women". Understand your spouse's language and don't force each other to change unnecessary things.
6-Don't say anything during extreme anger nor make any decisions when angry.
7-Express your gratitude when your spouse does something for you.
8-Compliment to the detail, dont generalise, be specific and go deep into details.
9-Praise your partner before you criticise them. Put yourself in their position.
10-Get rid of the word 'but' from the marriage vocabulary. The word 'but' negates the positives that came before it.
11-Be vocal about your love and feelings for your spouse. hadith 'if you love someone, TELL them you love them for the sake of Allah'. The Prophet asw said to Aisha ra that his love for her was like the tight knot of a rope.
12-Don't knit-pick, develop the quality of overlooking some mistakes, how would you like it if Allah sw held you accountable for everything? therefore overlook people's shortcomings.
13-Never put down your spouse in front of others, speak well or keep silent (hadith).
14-Acknowledge your mistakes and shortcomings.
15-Reforming the family and its members is MY responsibilty.
16-Don't be a baghil-a miser. Stingeness is an illness for which you should seek Allah sw help.
17-Remember the household is not a place exclusively for your service. It is also the right of the household upon you to service its members.
18-Get the members of the household involved. Think aloud. Share your feelings with your family in order to get support.
19-You are a role model and an example in the home, be a leader, the family that prays together stays together.
20-Get your partner involved in something serious that will raise their self esteem, self worth and motivation.
21-Exchange gifts.
22-Hug each other frequently, our skin remembers a good touch.
23-Make your partner feel that they are the most important person to you after your parents, make them feel more important than the children.
24-Be innovative in your relationship and dont just live a routine life, find common interest and cultivate it.
25-Be content with what you have.
26-Don't hold grudges-never sleep on an argument, appologise when at fault and kiss/hold hands before going to bed.
27-Give your spouse time to change, patience is mentioned over 90 times in the Quran, hadith on whoever practises patince, Allah sw will make them patient!
28-Make your spouse feel they are at the top of your priorities.
29-Divorce is serious, find an alternative method than using the weapon of divorce when wanting to reform your wife. Ayat on not making a mockery out of the signs of Allah, divorce is serious!
30-Expect the unexpected.
31-Keep your problems within the house and away from the children. Dont talk about YOUR problems to anyone not even your parents or the sheikh, rather talk to each other. Begining of divorce is when problems leave your doorstep.
32-Don't pour fuel over fire, when spouse is angry or upset, tell them something like they look cute when angry and walk away, dont make things worse.
33-Be the first to reconcile even if you are in the right.
34-Know the path to your partners heart, be the earth to him/her and they will be the sky for you.
35-First impressions are lasting impressions, dont neglect your appearance (hadith on the best of women being those who please you when you look at them-this hadith has two meanings, one is that they please you with their righteousness and two is that they beautify themselves). Meet each other at the door cheerfully, that initial meeting could determine the rest of your night.
36-Dont leave work half finished, rather perfect it. Take heed of the final touches, do things sincerely and properly.
37-Adhere to anger management techniques during a dispute, hadith-the prophet asw once adviced a man thrice not to get angry when the man asked him (asw) for some advice. Seek refuge in Allah from satan.
38-There's a time and place for everything (please see the CD)
39-Compete with one another in acts of worship, hadith-May Allah have mercy for the couple who wake each other up at night for prayers, and if one refuses, the other sprinkles water over his/her face.
40-Reconciliation is best.
PLEASE see the DVD, it is SOOO worth it, it's called "The Quest for love and mercy, the path to marital bliss" by Bilal Dannoun (a fantastic speaker), produced by Ghuraba in 2006.
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Judge the deed, not the breed. Islam & Muslims are two different things, a Muslim should not necessarily be associated with Islam.
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