loneliness in marriage
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Forum Name: Groups : Women (Sisters)
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URL: https://www.islamicity.org/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14727
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Topic: loneliness in marriage
Posted By: I luv islam 007
Subject: loneliness in marriage
Date Posted: 19 May 2009 at 10:04am
As salaamu alaikum , I have been married for 5 years , however I am not happy in my marriage there are rare times when things are good but there are many more times when things are bad and when things are bad they are bad . My husband who has been muslim for about 25 yrs.He has verbally and mentally abused me for 4 out of our 5 years being married. He shows me no affection , there has been a lack of intimacy for at least a year, no interest in me at all. He is not interested in any of my passions , he does not and has never supported my interest we have one child together , he yells at me , has called me st**id many , many times in front of my children , tells me to s*****p in front of my children , has said hurtful things in the way of my weight gain after giving birth to his child, never ever complaints me or has anything nice to say about me , and often belittles me and picks me apart totally my husband has no patients with me at all. He totally ignores me. I have tried and cried many many times to get him to paticipate in this marriage. to no avail , he blames every thing on me I'm always wrong everything is my fault , nothing is never ever his fault please help! , any suggestions. I continusly pray to Allah (swt) for guidance and help , I continusly ask Allah(swt) to grant my husband sabr in reguards to me . I am soooooooooo lonely , there is no affection at all , no conversation, no walks to the park , no dinner dates, no let me get to know you, what do you like , what is your favorite color , what is your favorite meal, what are your fears, what is your joy , what makes you sad , what is your drive , none of this after 5 yrs of marriage . I am often depressed, just simply surving I have 5 children total 1 with him . I am a homeschool mom I love my children with all my heart. I have none , I mean no friends/ sisters at all to talk to . I think I cry 3-4 times daily. sometimes I can barely perform or even prepare for salat , I get so down . The thing is I often will put up a mask to protect my marriage . But it is starting to take a toll on me . I try , Allah nows I am trying to ke ep it all together . I also need to feel loved, vauled, appreciated, and present in my marriage . Please help , any suggestions would be great . I do love my husband. please sisters responses only! . Islamically, is this right? . Dont get me wrong I do stand up for myself when needed, however I'm just not into this way of communicating. What I do know is if things aren't better between us by the winter, I'm out. As salaamu alaikum.
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Replies:
Posted By: Pati
Date Posted: 19 May 2009 at 2:04pm
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Dear I luv islam 007,
I feel sorry for what you are living. It's very sad to read what you wrote.
I am not muslim, but woman, and my suggestion is to look at your children's face, and to think, internally, if that situation is what you want for them.
Before taking any decision, you have to make yourself strong. I know it's easy to say but not to do (myself, I am just doing now). Just think about how you are, and the life you want to live, and start making it possible, maybe with small things. Do you have any hobby? Painting? Writing? Anything there that you enjoy? That helps you to feel free? That is a starting point, I think.
And in the moment you feel you are strong, just tell him that you have to talk, and the things you like/don't like from him, as well as your needs. In the same way, you have to show him that his needs are very important for you, and that your only aim in life is to make him and your children happy.
If you love him, fight to save your marrige, but if you are on depression, it's going to be very difficult. You need to be very strong to face all these troubles.
Maybe, a good point would be to go out for a weekend together, without children, because sometimes, when there is any problem between a couple and the children are around, the problem grows because the couple tries to hide the situation from them. Just try, in the moment you feel you can do it.
Really, whenever you feel down, just look at your children. You are very lucky and valuable, just assert yourself.
I wish you all the best and if you need anything, just tell me.
Patricia ------------- No God wants the killing, but the peace. The weapons are carried by people, not by religions. |
Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 20 May 2009 at 10:52am
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Salaams I luv Islam, I am sad to hear this. It is very hard when someone is going through such turmoil. Are you close to your family? Do you have support? You need it. Pati gave some good advice the ONLY thing I would disagree with is "your only aim in life is to make him and your children happy." The reason why I do is that you then give up all your power to your husband to make you happy. Some people are predators.. they abuse the weak. If you give him power.. some people, frankly abuse this. And it sounds like it in this case. You must find your own strength. First and foremost. You know we cannot know force anyone to love us. Feeling are feelings. But you deserve to be treaty with dignity and respect. To be ridiculed, etc is not at all Islamic. As Pati said, You need to strengthen yourself. If you are home all day with your kids, where do YOU get support. Never mind he is basically being an idiot, its not healthy to be isolated. Honestly, I think when you are a bit stronger, I would calmly ask, why does he stay married to you? If you are SO horrible why stay? YOU deserve more.. You really do My duas are for you. ------------- When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi |
Posted By: sr_rashidah
Date Posted: 20 May 2009 at 11:14am
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Bismillahir rahmanir raheem Wa alaykum as salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh:Unfortunately, you are not alone in how your husband is treating you and how you are feeling, subhanallah. The first thing I will say is that from the way you describe him treating you, he has a problem. Whether it is self-esteem issues or whatever, he needs to seek help. Have you sought counseling? For both of you individually and as a couple? If he is unwilling, he obviously does not seem to be married for love and companionship, so you may need to ask "why"? I am glad to hear you are strong enough to leave if the situation does not change.
I feel I stayed in my marriage longer than I should have (almost 10 years), thinking it was what was best for our child. My husband says the same. However, seeing us both miserable and unable to properly interact with each other as a couple, has most likely affected our child too. Counseling didn't work for us because my husband did not want to work on or save our marriage. It cannot be one sided. Allah (SWT) has told us in the Quran that if both are truly seeking reconciliation, He will reconcile you. Now, we are divorcing, and both realize it probably should have happened years ago.
I pray that Allah (SWT) blesses you with what is best.
salaam,
Rashidah
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Posted By: Shasta'sAunt
Date Posted: 23 May 2009 at 7:37am
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Run!! ------------- �No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.� Eleanor Roosevelt |
Posted By: Danty
Date Posted: 23 May 2009 at 5:44pm
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As-salam-u-laikum! Allah akhbar! Islamically, this wrong! Sister I have had my share of the same mess and more. I understand what you are going through and I am sorry. Some men are very complicated to understand. Like what the sisters above said, try to see if your husband would get counseling. It is so very important. The thing is that many mens egos are so high that they refuse any type of help. Please get help as soon as possible because your situation might become worse. I know you love his good side but his bad side may outweigh his good. You and your children donot want to live unhappy for the rest of your life. Think about it please... I will definitely keep you and your family in my duaa. ------------- Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said "Be kind, for whenever kindness becomes part of something, it beautifies it.Whenever it is taken from something, it leaves it tarnished." (IMAM BUKHARI) |
Posted By: Shasta'sAunt
Date Posted: 26 May 2009 at 4:52am
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Walaikum Assalaam Sister:
I reread your post and I wonder what it is about your marriage you are trying to protect? It seems as though you are not in a marriage at all but rather in a very distructive non-relationship with someone who keeps you around to abuse.
You say you love your husband so I am compelled to ask, what is it about him that you love? Seriously?
You have one child with him, and I'm assuming children from another marriage since you said he verbally abuses you in front of your children. I cannot express to you how wrong this behavior is. On his part for the abuse and on your part for allowing it to continue. What do you think you are teaching your children right now? That it is o.k. for men to be abusive, uncaring, aloof, unloving, absent from the marriage, show a total lack of respect toward women, etc... and that as a female you just take it. If you have boys do you want them learning to treat women this way? Not only their future wife, but any daughters they may have? And if you have girls, do you want them growing up thinking that men are allowed to treat them this way and they should accept it?
Think Sister, if your daughter came to you in this situation and her husband was abusing her in front of your grandchildren, what would you tell her to do?
My former husband was abusive. We were married for less than a year, but looking back that was way too long to waste on such a worthless piece of trash. You are probably telling yourself that you want to be fair and give him every chance, but Sister, if he hasn't changed in 4 years, he's not going to unless it's for the worse. And who is being fair and giving you every chance in this scenario. He certainly isn't. Your children are, but if you don't do something soon they will give up on you because it is your job to give them a safe a loving environment in which to grow up and they are trusting you to do so. But they won't trust you forever, and everytime they see him treat you badly it chips away a little more of that trust.
Ultimately you will do what you choose to do. I just know that personally if I had it all to do over again, the first time my ex-husband called me a name instead of being shocked and hurt and accepting his lame excuse I would have calmly packed my bags and left. That's certainly what I would do now without even a second thought. ------------- �No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.� Eleanor Roosevelt |
Posted By: I luv islam 007
Date Posted: 26 May 2009 at 6:14am
As salaamu alaikum Shasta's aunt , seriously I do not wish to be judged , Its one thing to give sincere advice and to sincerely counsel a sister who may be in trouble , how about doing so with out judgement like some of your questions in the way of my children , I will not even address because there ridiculious , I am a mother. not to mention my children are of limits just as I tell my husband . I question when said what you do is ulitimly your decision , I know this .Maybe you didn't quite understand my post ,you ask what is it I love about my husband , as stated in what I wrote we have and continue to still have good times, he is also the father of my daughter , yes, there are times when things are good . I was simply looking for some positive encouragement , we as sisters must stop placing judgement on one another. Stating what WE would do. Sister, some things come easier for some and not as easy for others , however Allah ( swt) is merciful and he provides us with tools. Thank you for your response to my post , but I still say we musn't ever, ever jugde. As far as my family and I , I have since taken some positive advice both me and my husband . ALLAH AU ALAM. Allah IS THE BEST OF PLANNERS. SHUKRN. THANK YOU TO ALL WHO HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO RESPOND TO MY POST , THANK YOU TO THOSE WHO HAVE INCLUDED ME IN THERE PRAYERS, PLEASE CONTINUE TO DO SO, INSHA ALLAH. AS SALAAMU ALAIKUM
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Posted By: Shasta'sAunt
Date Posted: 28 May 2009 at 9:33am
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Sorry if I sounded judgemental, but anytime I hear of children in such a situation I find it extremely bothersome. You are an adult and you have a choice of where you want to be and what type of behavior you will accept, as children they have none. I am ALWAYS adamant, and will never remain silent, about removing children from any type of abusive environment. I can find nothing encouraging to say about keeping children in such an environment.
------------- �No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.� Eleanor Roosevelt |
Posted By: I luv islam 007
Date Posted: 28 May 2009 at 10:22am
| shasta's aunt, judgemental as stated. no need in apologizing if followed by the word " BUT" you now have become in the catergory as my husband . Judgemental and insensitive. As stated above i will tell you as i tell anyone else my children are off limits , GOT IT!. Not to mention you really dont know what you are talking about . When I posted about my then situation I posted about me NOT my children!. Take your gradness and adamantsie some where else . I CANT STAND JUDGEMENTAL INSENSITIVE PEOPLE!.They remind me of All and any type of abuser. My children are Not IN ANY WAY in a abusive enviroment . I havent posted my entire situation be it living arrangements etc. As I am not suppose to and I wont I touched on where I felt i could use some suggestions just as some have offered with out judgement . Allah u alam . However I do not desire to go back and forth with you its a waste of time . like I said you really dont know what you are talking about . Please when you talk say something. nOW i HAVE NOTHING AT ALL ENCOURAGING TO SAY to you! LIKE WISE . YOU ARE WASTED TIME! PLEASE LEAVE YOUR WORTHLESS AND JUGEMENTAL COMMENTS TO YOUR SELF . And mind to your own children ! if you have any. AND GET OFF OF YOUR SELF - RIGHTOUS RANT! . LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING DO YOU IT WAS EASY TO ADMIT SOMETHING AS SUCH. It's because of sisters like yourself why other sisters who may be in trouble search for help outside of the islamic community . Because SOME dont help they choose to judge instead to some how boost there own self esteem. Abuse ! hell thats abuse . I will never ever seek help in this form again. I will CONTINUE to seek help from Allah (swt) first . lesson learned !!! |
Posted By: Shasta'sAunt
Date Posted: 30 May 2009 at 5:39am
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"My children are Not IN ANY WAY in a abusive enviroment ."
"we have one child together , he yells at me , has called me st**id many , many times in front of my children , tells me to s*****p in front of my children , has said hurtful things in the way of my weight gain after giving birth to his child, never ever complaints me or has anything nice to say about me , and often belittles me and picks me apart totally my husband has no patients with me at all."
You can call me as many names as you like. Any time children are forced to watch a parent being verbally abused and demeaned in front of them they are in an abusive situation.
------------- �No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.� Eleanor Roosevelt |
Posted By: Pati
Date Posted: 30 May 2009 at 6:05am
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Dear I_luv_islam_007, What is clear is that you are really confused. Your basis to fight for your relationship with your husband is the few good moments you have with him.
A marriage should be based in the commitment, in the respect and mutual support. Do you feel that your husband is giving you all that? Do you feel he is making you happy?
Really, you have to ask yourself about your real needs, and if it was enough for you to have 2 or 3 happy days per month with him, go on with your life. But if you think your needs are different, you have to change your life, you have to face him in order to solve the situation.
You may think that the children don't realize the situation between you, but believe me, the children do. They are too much sensitives, and they are learning from both of you, the good as well as the bad things. Do you want them to have the ideal of marriage that you are showing them?
I don't want to hurt you, that would be the last of my aims. I just want you to think about your self, and about your needs. In your first post, your words were showing lot of pain. Re-read it, please, and remember how many times you felt this way, and think if you want it to happen again.
I wish you all the best, and I pray for you.
Patricia ------------- No God wants the killing, but the peace. The weapons are carried by people, not by religions. |
Posted By: martha
Date Posted: 30 May 2009 at 7:41am
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Quote :- 'What I do know is if things aren't better between us by the winter, I'm out. As salaamu alaikum.' It is extremely difficult to assess one's own situation when faced with emotional battering. This sister is clearly experiencing this. Unfortunately none of us can help her as the decision ultimately is hers. But my guess is that her husband, in front of the kids, will 'push' her once too often and 'mother mode' will kick in, and she will have had enough. She and the kids deserve a kind, loving husband and father, period, not as and when he feels like it. What a jerk he is! Sister, you DO NOT have to live like this! YOU DESERVE BETTER! Suggest he sees the imam and goes for counselling. If he refuses to do either, then I am afraid he already KNOWS he is at fault. PLEASE DO NOT DELUDE YOURSELF.
Your husband is unlikely to change...only you need to see that. Doesn't matter what any of us say at the end of the day.
One final thing......when you do salat, ASK Allah what you should do. Ask Allah if you have done all you can in this marriage. You WILL get the answer.
All the very best, (from a once abused muslim wife now happy to be single, thanks) ------------- some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set |
Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 30 May 2009 at 10:29am
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Hey Martha, Good to see you back!  Hayfa ------------- When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi |
Posted By: Chrysalis
Date Posted: 31 May 2009 at 11:40am
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Dear Sister 'love islam', Nobody is bieng 'judgemental' here at all - we are all trying to help. All our comments are based on what you told us in your post. From the looks of it, I dont think anybody here has any positive hopes from you husband, considering 5 years have passed. Sometimes the right decision is the hardest to make. Shasta'a Aunt was giving you good and honest advise, she shared her own experiences with you. . . perhaps you were a bit unfair. You may be the best mother in the world, but you cannot deny that the family atmosphere and negativity in the environment does have an effect on children and thier personality. So Shasta has a point there. Don't get angry sis.
We are all trying to help in our way. Anyway, I hope everything works out for you - inshallah. Will make dua for you.
Also, you are correct, we all should turn to Allah first. . . Prophet Muhammad said in a hadith that even if your shoelace breaks, turn to Allah for help. Your matter is far more serious. Pray to Allah - Salaat-e-Haajat is a good option (specific prayer to Allah when we have a problem/want something) Let us know if you dont know how to pray that Salaat. . . will post the details.
Take Care Sis.
------------- "O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young." |
Posted By: Shasta'sAunt
Date Posted: 02 June 2009 at 6:31am
 Chrysalis------------- �No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.� Eleanor Roosevelt |
Posted By: Chrysalis
Date Posted: 04 June 2009 at 12:37am
------------- "O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young." |
Shasta'sAunt wrote:Posted By: sophykhan
Date Posted: 28 June 2009 at 6:04pm
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asa
I feel sorry for what you are going through. It's very sad what you have said.giving you suggestion on one side of story that would not be right because of the story of" prophet dahud pbuh" in Quran.but what you have said if it is 100% right then my suggestion to you to be seperatted.also i wants to mention to all of others too one hadith"prophet muhammad pbuh was passing by a group of women He said heaven and hell had shown it to me,i seen in hell majority of the people were women.women asked why? He said because when their husbands do mostly right to them and if they miss one or more ,women say our husbands have never done any thing good to us."
Walla o allam.
massalam
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Posted By: MOTHER
Date Posted: 03 July 2009 at 3:15am
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As salama alai kum,
After reading your problem and also the coments i feel that as we all know that at the end nothing is in our hands we are at the mercy of Allah subhantalla. I have also gone through this type of situation and first of foremost i would suggest you to do tahajud prayer and ask Allah help he will help you come out of it.
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Posted By: Monia
Date Posted: 05 July 2009 at 7:57am
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To, I luv Islam 007
Assalamo Alaikom sister, I am going to try not to judge you, but I was real hurt from reading your post about the way your husband treats you. I am also a mother of 2 little boys, I WILL NEVER EVER let any man on this earth treats me the way your husband does, like you said I don't know your OTHER problems in marriage but I am responding based on what you described, honey you don't deserve to be treated like that especially in front of your little boy, what you doing by staying in that marriage is you are hurting yourself and your son, I am not telling to get divorced that should be your choice "ONLY" and not anyone else. one last thing sister is yes we all seek "allah's " help in life but not when you r in a hell of a marriage like that, and a man that abuses a woman is nothing but an animal. sorry if I happen to be rude or harsh "NOT MY INTENTION"
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Posted By: LiberalMuslim
Date Posted: 31 July 2009 at 7:56pm
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I totally agree with Shashta.
I luv Islam YOU NEED HELP PROFESSIONALLY. YOU ARE SOOOO BRAINWASHED THAT ITS SCARY. YOU DONT EVEN REALIZE THAT YOU ARE LETTING HIM ABUSE YOU AND YOUR KIDS.
DONT POST STORIES LIKE THIS WHEN YOU DONT HAVE THE OPEN MINDEDNESS TO CHANGE AND UNDERSTAND WHEN OTHERS ARE TELLING YOU WHAT IS THE RIGHT THING.
YOU CAN GO BE WITH YOUR HUSBAND BUT THEN DONT COMPLAIN THAT HE TREATS YOU BAD.
ABUSERS CAN ONLY ABUSE THOSE WHO LET THEM GET ABUSED.
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Posted By: Zaharah
Date Posted: 09 August 2009 at 5:30pm
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Salams sisters, I really agree with everything that everyone is telling you in this forum. But the sister above summed it all up. you are being treated this way because you ALLOW it point blank. May sound harsh but its the truth. You are in the USA and we chic's (most of us) over here don't play that. You might as well be a dog or a lap animal if you allow this man to treat you this way, please be careful. You are ALLOWing him to abuse not only you but your kids. Now that is a whole different thing. NO MAN IN HIS RIGHT MIND ON GODS GREEN PLANET WILL EVER DO that and get away with it. Let me stop im out of character
RUN sister.... FREE WILLY
Z------------- CHANGE- Let's change the way we eat, the way we live and the way we treat each other. You see the old way wasn't working, so it's on us to do what we gotta do to survive. Tupac A. Shakur... |
Posted By: RASHROUSH2222
Date Posted: 17 August 2009 at 1:21am
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Dear.
i have read ur topic....too many replies to read..
i donno actually wat to say since family is sensitive issue..
u r the one who knows better.u love ur husband,dont u think he should love u back?if he does,y is he not carin about u?is there a reason?if there is a reason and am not deffendin him but maybe he has a huge reason for that such as work pressure or anythin,maybe u need to support...i was engaged for 10 months my Ex was ok but i have seen some proofs to know that our relation is not gonna last..so i have chosen to quit it and now?am gratefull to allh all the time since i have met this reverted australian muslim guy and am deeply in love with him..he loves me too thats y our story is goin we r engaged and we will marry in few months time inshallah...he reverted 10 years ago.he is practisin islam well elhamdulillah thats y am feelin ok he fears allah and a muslim who fears allah weill fear allah in his house...am not judgin u or ur husband dont get me wrong plz..but if there is a reason for this huge painfull gap try to know and fix it.if there isnt then maybe u should get divorced.it will hurt for awhile but u will start feelin rational and u will be able to think in a balance way if u know wat i mean?am not advisin u to leave him...am just tellin wat i have in mind and beleive me u r the one who can judge best.
with all best wishes and prayers
Rasha
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