Husband Issues
Printed From: IslamiCity.org
Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Family Matter
Forum Description: Discuss Family Issues
URL: https://www.islamicity.org/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=15428
Printed Date: 21 November 2024 at 9:22pm Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 12.03 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: Husband Issues
Posted By: salaam123
Subject: Husband Issues
Date Posted: 11 September 2009 at 4:06pm
Hi everyone,
I recently got married about 5months ago, and my husband and I are have st**id problems all the time. Most of the time it is about my cooking, he grew up in Iran...I have never been there or had their food. He gets mad when I can't make the same dishes his mom made for him. If that's not the problem then he gets mad at how i cut things up (say potatoes) in the dishes, or he says it doesn't taste good, or some other excuse. Just 2 days ago he asked me to cook some food for him and 4 of his co workers so he can take it to work so the can break their fasts. I said ok, made some rice, salad and a beef curry. He came home to pick it up and got really angry at me because he didn't like how I had cut up the potatoes in the curry and said the food wasn't going to be enough. and left home without saying bye or anything. He came home at night and there was quite abit of food left over. I thought maybe it didn't taste good, so I had some myself and it was fine. He hasn't talked to me since then, and I'm refusing to give in for this one. I don't think I did anything wrong, and I don;'t think it's ok for him to make me feel like a horrible wife or less of a person. Am I over-reacting? Should I not let this bother me? I'm starting to hate being married and everyday that goes by that he doesn't talk to me and everytime that we fight over something st**id like this I start to like him less and less. Is the problem me? Do you people think I'm doing something horrible that I can't see...or is he just being a jerk?
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Replies:
Posted By: Shasta'sAunt
Date Posted: 12 September 2009 at 1:28pm
Potatoes? Really?
O.K. If he is refusing to talk to you because of the way you cut the potatoes then he is definitely being a jerk.
Perhaps it's an Iranian thing. Maybe in Iran a wife is judged by her potato prowess. It doesn't matter how pious, kind, intelligent or beautiful she is, just how well she peels a spud....
------------- �No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.�
Eleanor Roosevelt
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Posted By: Pati
Date Posted: 12 September 2009 at 2:17pm
salaam123 wrote:
Is the problem me?
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ABSOLUTELY NO!!!
Dear Sister,
Just tell him: if you want me to cook like your mother, please, teach me because I don't know how does she do it!
Cool down and try to arrive to an agreement with him. First of all, you are not his slave, you are his wife, and you have your own costumes and way of cooking. I understand that he loved his mother food too much (myself to, I love my mother's food!!! But I will never reject whatever my boyfriend or husband cooks because my mother's way was different).
Just try to talk with him in nice way, and to ask him for understanding the situation (that is so clear... how does he expects you cooking the same way that his mother? It's so typical!!).
But dear, if you, yourself, think that your food is OK, it's OK. He can understand that you are not his mother or not, but don't blame yourself.
Another option... tell him to cook!!! If he knows how to do it, why is he wasting his time and yours?
All the best, dear, and be strong. Now, you are in the most difficult part of the marriage, just knowing each other. You have to face with courage and patience.
Patricia
------------- No God wants the killing, but the peace.
The weapons are carried by people, not by religions.
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Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 12 September 2009 at 4:07pm
Asalaam Alaikum,
How old is he?? Maybe it does not matter.. If he is mad at how you cut your potatoes.. well... seriously is this his level of thinking??? Its a potato...
Maybe you should sweetly ask him to show you how to cut a potato.. honestly.. I am trying to be helpful.
But really we are all going to die and he is worried about if you cook like his mama??? He needs to speak to other men who are married..
Besides you are under no obligation to chop his potatoes..
I certainly would not put up with being yelled at... that is a big NO NO.
Maybe buy him a bucket of potatoes and ask him to demo.. and you need to see them ALL Chopped..
------------- When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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Posted By: salaam123
Date Posted: 13 September 2009 at 2:16am
Thanks for the replies everyone. You know the worst thing? He had told me like a month ago that if the potatoes are small to cut them in half instead of 4 like i always do. So that say I cut them in half and he still got mad. He still isn't talking to me...it's day 6. And Hayfa he is 27...yup 27 alittle old to be so immature. I don't know what to do anymore.
Oh and want to know something even worse? I came on the computer tonight after he used it, and he has changed our desktop background...from a picture from our wedding to pyramids.... I want to crawl under a rock and die, he is being really mean
And also I checked the history on our computer for what websites he has seen and he has watched to adult videos...I don't know what I'm suppose to do. All this time I have been researching websites on how to be a better MUSLIM and be a better MUSLIM wife...and he is going around doing things that are UNIslamic and haram.
We were engaged for a year and a half and I never had problems like this with him before. The longest he would not talk to me is maybe a day or two.
And why are all messages pending approval?
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Posted By: Full of Hopes
Date Posted: 13 September 2009 at 4:59pm
Asslamu Alaikum
Sister Salam, I completely understand your situation and feel of you. My brother did the same with his wife and we use to blame him for that. Food or cooking is not important for a happy family. There are more important issues for being happy and satisfied. Your hubby has to see this point soon or later. But as Pati said these problems are common for the new married couples. Just be more patient and take your time to know each other.
I also hope you try to impress him by your own taste. Be more patient and try not discuss with him his mom's way of cooking. Make him mindful with your new taste any way of cooking. Get more cooking books and learn new dishes his mom sure doesn't know. Search the web and look for Iranian cooking forums. Of course do not show him you are learning or trying to improve yourself. Smile and calm down when he gets mad. Show him your love to him. Get him a way from the cooking discussing. I do not see the point in making troubles because of cooking. Life is big. We should not be limited and narrow in our thinking.
There are many women I know who are chefs but they are not happy in their lives.
Sister do not let him make you lose your self confidence. Because this happened to my cousin. She lost her patience and hated herself. Do not do her mistake. Look at your own good qualities. Your family and friends had tasted your food and liked it so you are fine.
Here I got you some Iranian Cooking Books:
1- http://www.amazon.com/New-Food-Life-Ancient-Ceremonies/dp/0934211345 - http://www.amazon.com/New-Food-Life-Ancient-Ceremonies/dp/0934211345
2- http://www.farhangsara.com/foods.htm - http://www.farhangsara.com/foods.htm
3- http://www.mage.com/cookbooks.html - http://www.mage.com/cookbooks.html
I hope you like that.
and sister please forgive me for telling this. I really want to help you. I do not mean any harm but I know so many men think in that way in my society. I would like to share you this. My brother is divorced. He got married two times and end with divorce. May Allah keep you and your hubby to gather for ever. The first wife did not know how to boil an egg. She was very spoiled. I liked her but here I am telling the truth. She used to sleep the whole day and wake up at night. He brings the dinner from a restaurant and they have it together. but the thing is that he loved her so much and cares for her a lot. They lived in this way 5 years. We were really surprised; living with the restaurant food. After that a serious problem with his friend made her request divorce. She was mad until he decided to do what she wanted. After one year he got married to another woman. The surprise is that after short time he did serious problems guess why? He said she doesn't cook very yummy. He wants her to be a chef. He wakes her early to prepare the breakfast and wants her to cook 3 meals while I know my brother very well he does not care for food at all. He can eat any thing. But because he doesn't like something with this one he is looking for cooking, the clean home and tiny things. I see when a man doesn't like something in the woman he followed her tiny mistakes to show her he has an excuse to blame her. Sister I do not mean you. I am looking with you for possible reasons. When a man likes a woman he will not have the time to focus on cooking or blame her for the house furniture. He likes her own good qualities. But when he is bored of her for some reason. he start looking for silly excuses to blame her: the cooking- the tidy rooms- the clothes- the kids and so on so that when he leaves her she sees that was her own fault. Believe me when a man likes a woman it has nothing to do with cooking or house work. May be your men differ but so many men here use this trick to be away of being not fair. And this happens a lot when the man thinks that his wife is just boring. I can not go farther than that. But for example some women are really boring!! Frankly, they do not know how to deal with the men. So put in your schedule reading books about family life and how to treat men. This will help a lot.
Please stay with your hubby and discuss everything in your family life. What he likes and what he dislikes. Do not ignore any part in your life.
I hope I helped you. You are my sister in Islam. I do not mean any harm and forgive me if I did without my intention.
------------- And whoever seeks a religion other than Isl�m, it will never be accepted of him, and in the Hereafter he will be one of the losers(3:85)
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Posted By: Allah First
Date Posted: 14 September 2009 at 7:15am
Full of Hopes wrote:
Asalaam Aleikum, Full of hopes, It's like reading my story. It's true that when a man loves you he sees nothing of the negative, when that fades or when reality sets in (being in love for me is temp state of mind), then he starts picking on the tiniest things.
I'm sure he knew when he married you that he was not marrying his mum. You are your own package that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. You both need to compromise. You both need to understand each other , you were meant to be together by Allah's decree so that you can understand and continue to strenghten the Ummah. Believe me, even if he had someone who cut his potatoes just right, he will find something else. Potatoes!!!!!!!!!!! Mine told me that he used to eat such delicious food , different food everyday. Hmm! I went to his country of birth, stayed for a month and only twice the dishes were different. Imagine having the same soup 3 times a day. Please! Sister I'm now divorced and I can tell you my biggest regret is putting myself LAST. He continued to abuse his status and it made me very insecure, Marriage is hard, don't give up but don't ever give up on yourself. Ask for advice when you are really ready to listen and change, do your best and Allah (swt) will take care of the rest.
But be careful to cut the potatoes just right next time :). Smile pray to Allah he'll make it better for you.
� Asslamu Alaikum � Sister Salam, I completely understand your situation and feel of you. My brother did the same with his wife and we use to blame him for that.Food or cooking is not important for a happy family. There are more important issues for being happy and satisfied. Your hubby has to see this point soon or later. But as Pati said these problems are common for the new married couples.� Just be more patient and take your time to know each other.� I also hope you try to impress him by your own taste. Be more patient and try not discuss with him his mom's way of cooking. Make him mindful with your new taste any way of cooking.� Get more cooking books and learn new dishes his mom sure doesn't know.� Search the web and look for Iranian cooking forums. Of course do not show him you are learning or trying to improve yourself. Smile and calm down when he gets mad. Show him your love to him. Get him a way from the cooking discussing.I do not see the point in� making troubles because of cooking. Life is big. We should not be limited and narrow in our thinking. � There are many women I know who are chefs but they are not happy in their lives.� Sister do not let him make you lose your self confidence.� Because this happened to my cousin. She lost her patience and hated herself. Do not do her mistake. Look at your own good qualities. Your family and friends had tasted your food and liked it so you are fine.� Here I got you some Iranian Cooking Books:�1- � http://www.amazon.com/New-Food-Life-Ancient-Ceremonies/dp/0934211345 - http://www.amazon.com/New-Food-Life-Ancient-Ceremonies/dp/0934211345 �� 2- http://www.farhangsara.com/foods.htm - http://www.farhangsara.com/foods.htm �� 3- http://www.mage.com/cookbooks.html - http://www.mage.com/cookbooks.html �� I hope you like that. [IMG]smileys/smiley2.gif" align="absmiddle" alt="Wink" />� and sister please forgive me for telling this. I really want to help you.� �I do not mean any harm but I know so many men think in that way in my society. I would like to share you this.�� My brother is divorced. He got married two times and end with divorce. May Allah keep you and your hubby to gather for ever.� The first wife did not know how to boil an egg. She was very spoiled. I liked her but here I am telling the truth. She used to sleep the whole day and wake up at night. He brings the dinner from a restaurant and they have it together. but the thing is that he loved her so much and cares for her a lot. They lived in this way 5 years. We were really surprised; living with� the restaurant food. After that a serious problem with his friend made her request divorce. She was mad until he decided to do what she wanted.� �� After one year he got married to another woman. The surprise is that after short time he did serious problems guess why? He said she doesn't cook� very yummy. He wants her to be a chef.� He wakes her early to prepare the breakfast and� wants her to cook 3 meals while I know my brother very well he does not care for food at all. He can eat any thing. But because he doesn't like something with this one he is looking for cooking, the clean home and tiny� things.� I see when a man doesn't like something in the woman he followed her tiny mistakes to show her he has an excuse to blame her.� Sister I do not mean you. I am looking with you for possible reasons.�When a man likes a woman he will not have the time to focus on cooking or blame her for the house furniture. He likes her own good qualities. But when he is� bored of her for some reason. he start looking for silly excuses to blame her: the cooking- the tidy rooms- the clothes- the kids and so on� so that when he leaves her she sees that was her own fault. Believe me when a man likes a woman it has nothing to do with cooking or house work. �May be your men differ but so many men here use this trick to be away of being not fair.� And this happens� a lot when the man thinks that his wife� is just boring. I can not go farther than that. � But for example some women are really boring!!�� Frankly, they do not know how to deal with the men. So put in your schedule reading books about family life and how to treat men. This will help a lot. Please stay with your� hubby and discuss everything in your family life. What he likes and what he dislikes. Do not ignore any part in your life. I hope I helped you.� You are my sister in Islam. I do not mean� any harm and forgive me if I did without my intention.� �� |
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Posted By: Akhe Abdullah
Date Posted: 14 September 2009 at 8:49am
As Salamu Alaikum Salaam123,Welcome to the forum,Pati and Hayfa has a good point,try asking him.F.O.H also have a good point you two are newly weds(Alhamduillah) and you should get to know eachother better(likes,dislikes).In Islam there is no dating(without Wali)and there might not be this form of dating at all for some.I think that it is very important to know if someone(husban or wife) has annoying habbits,mude swings,if they are abusive(men or women)the problem in Islam you dont know alot of these things until you are married.Anyways Trust in Allah and everything will work out.
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Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 15 September 2009 at 3:01am
Asalaam ALaikum,
Well you know they say you really never know a person until you live with them.. .that seems pretty true to me.
And sis, why would you know he is so focused on these petty matters? I mean like Full of Hopes said, some men use it as an excuse. There must be something else going on..
Porn: this is another example of a greater issue.
I do not really know what to say, it all depends upon what type of person YOU are. Make duas.. some women would confront about these issues, others won't. There is no reason why such filth is in your house.
Does he have any relatives who would speak to him? Would he listen to a respected elder / Imam?
My 'guess' is that the reality has sunk in with him. You are not Iranian. Marriage is about WORK. Some people are just lazy. They do not want to work. What we call the 'honeymoon' period is over. Marriage takes two to make it work.
Here are some options 1. Sit and discuss these aspects of your marriage. When you are calm. Ask him why did he marry a nonIranian woman if he did not want the inter-cultural lifestyle? He may not have known. But either he accepts you are not mama or it will be tough. 2. Bring in a relative or other outside person to talk with him 3. Go to marriage counseling 4. Do or say nothing. 5. Pray 6. Take time off. Go to visit your family or friends. Tell him you will not be treated in such a manner. The Prophet (PBUH) never treated his wives in such a manner. And we should all be striving.
Yes we should try in our marriages but really, why is he married to you? Frankly I see this ALL the time. Women practically make themselves doormats and get stepped on. Let's face it, many men in other cultures get very spoiled. They have not been raised to be men.
There is civil decourum and sadly some people miss that. When I was listening to a lecture recently on Rights and Responsibilites of Marriage the lecturer was saying most people marry and do not really focus on that. Both of you have them. And that is that.
"Adult Web sites" YOu know I HATE that stuff. As a woman, I find that all SO demeaning to women. And if you are pass the age of 18 and look at that stuff.. GROSS. Now that is me. a goodfriend of mine (she is nonMuslim) I know her boyfriend has that on his computer. I have not told her. But it SO grosses me out, he is 47.. that I have little to do with him. Its like grow up. GRRRRR
Sister: please check your instinct about what is going on in your marriage. Do you REALLY think it is about potatoes??
It is good he married you instead of me.. if he had yelled at me about potatoes... he'd be sleeping with a big bag of them....lol.
My Duas for you.
Hayfa
------------- When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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Posted By: fatmah
Date Posted: 16 September 2009 at 7:07am
Dear Sister
we have been in Ramadhan, so please try to talk with your husban even if he is the one wrong. Muslim people should not stay angry with each other for more than 3days, did u know that?
I have recenlty listened to a bayaan, in which the maulana said, that men should not talk badly with their wifes, our prophet treated is wifes with kindness. If we as women do something that is wrong or unpleasant to them, they should talk kindly to us and make us understand that what we did was wrong, or unpleasant and they prefer things some other way.
Our religion is one...so there are no iranians, arab, english...we are all musslim, our roots are the same.
The problem with food is a very common problem, but men react in diffrent ways...
When you unplease him, patiantly say "i'm sorry", "how do u prefer me to do this?", "ok, do u anyone who cooks this the way u like, i will be pleased to learn""or call your mum, i'll talk to her, maybe she can explain how she cooks this or that"...
If still then he treats you badly or unkindly, he is in great sin and Allah will punish him. Talk to him as a grown up, u know men normally act very much like children and are childish by nature, expecting us to do things just like their mum's do. You need to explain him that u are not his mother, but you can learn few stuff just to please him because u love him. tell him that what he is doing is hurting u, and u didnt expect this from him as u are trying your best...talk, communicate..if he is a hard person to talk with ..then write him..tell him about your feelings...and make duaa for Allah to grant him knowledge to see his mistakes...
If he is behaving in an unproper way with u or unusual, ask him if he has a problem...if anything is wrong...
Men have certain obligations or duties towards women as well as these latter have towards them. Maybe he needs to understand that, each one of you have duties towards your marriage and need to help each other so you can live happily and educate your children, and be in society as husband and wife.
there are a million people who don't have food that certainly would eat with both hands what you cook...it's really a misbehaviour to reject food or complaint instead of making alhamdulilah...
My husband only liked his mum's food. So i learned a couple things with her to cook for him. He didn't like spaghetti. He didn't like because he never ate it, or never ate it the proper way of cooking it...and he refuse to taste it...One day i cooked for me and something else 4 him, and i insisted by feeding him with love in his mouth, i told him just to try...believe me that nowadays he only likes my spaghetti, and he will ask for it at least once in a week...he still doesn't like veggies, but slowly, he will...
I didn't know how to cook b4 getting married, as i was always busy with my studies...i learned two dishes with my in laws, and started to cook alone, with my own ideas or watching tv, creating new stuff...but there is always something that they like as their mums cook...its mummy's taste!we as women also like certain things that only our mum's know to do best.
mum's are the best cook always!
Don't give up in ur marriage and on you! Communicate, try...cry in front of him if u need to express urself, but keep on trying.
Hope to hear from u soon.
Salams and eid mubarak
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Posted By: Shasta'sAunt
Date Posted: 16 September 2009 at 9:52am
Salaams Sister:
Porn and potatoes..... hmmmmm. I don't want to joke about this because it is very serious to you, but you have to admit there are about a thousand jokes just waiting to be told...
Obviously something is going on in his head and until you find out what it is things will probably stay the same or get worse. IF you really want to know what it is then you might have to go to an Imam or third party for help. You should be prepared for the consequences though.
I agree with Hayfa, if a man yelled at me for chopping potatoes well, those taters would have ended up somewhere and not necessarily chopped.
If it were me, I think I would be focusing a little less on him and more on whether or not I wanted to be married to a man who refused to talk to me for 6 days over something so petty. I know you are confused and trying to figure out what is going wrong, but just stop for a minute and ask yourself if this is what YOU want.
------------- �No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.�
Eleanor Roosevelt
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Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 16 September 2009 at 10:54am
Is it at all possible that maybe cooking for you is just another chore in a long list of other household duties, thus you are quickly preparing meals to move on to other daily functions? When asked to prepare the meal for your husband and his co-workers were you upset about this request? I'd assume that your husband would not be this angry unless the felt you somehow intentionally or with little care, did not make the dish properly. Maybe some sort of food processor would be helpful in chopping and dicing to save you time and please your husband. "My wife can't cook" is a common complaint from men. Hopefully with patience, communication, love and understanding you two can work around this problem.
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Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 17 September 2009 at 8:06am
Salams Abuayisha,
I have a question, why do you assume that he is only angry for his perceived 'lack of effort' on her part? Shouldn't he assume the best of intentions? Wed should try and make excuses for people. And it is not Islamic for him, no matter her intentions, to not talk to her for 6 days!
Marriage is about showing mercy to each other. How can she KNOW how to cook like his mother.. that is an unreasonable expectation.
Even if they are not up to standards. He should help her.. not yell lat her. Just pointless.
------------- When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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Posted By: martha
Date Posted: 17 September 2009 at 8:52am
Maybe she should tell him there is a potato shortage, lol.
Seriously though, this often happens with husbands. Their expectations of the wife are too high. Imagine how this husband would feel if the sister told him how useless he was in some areas. I expect he would demand a divorce.
Men are often cruel...it's an ego thing...hang what religion they come from. Women act upon heart feelings...most like to please their man. Men are different. Just today I was talking to a man who is facing the prospect of being seperated from his wife for some time. His answer to that? Well, he was going to take another wife as he is a 'man' and can;t live without sex!
I don't understand this attitude at all. HIs wife, as does the sister who posted this has my sympathy.
Seems men find women disposable...and then move on to another wife. Or keeps the existing wife and makes her feel useless. Men..who needs them, lol.
------------- some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set
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Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 17 September 2009 at 12:41pm
Unfortunately when we only have an opportunity to hear one side of the story, I can only make assumptions and "what ifs" concerning why her husband would take such a position over what seems trivial. As they say, "the devil is in the details" and we really only have her story, which is stated in general terms. Hey, just maybe the guy isn't such a jerk, but has some reasonable explanation for the behavior his wife has articulated.
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Posted By: martha
Date Posted: 17 September 2009 at 1:53pm
abuayisha wrote:
Unfortunately when we only have an opportunity to hear one side of the story, I can only make assumptions and "what ifs" concerning why her husband would take such a position over what seems trivial. As they say, "the devil is in the details" and we really only have her story, which is stated in general terms. Hey, just maybe the guy isn't such a jerk, but has some reasonable explanation for the behavior his wife has articulated. |
Salaams,
You are quite right brother. Who really knows what is going on. But she believes what she believes...
Lol, Christians and muslims also behave like married couples at times don't you agree? Sad we do not allow ourselves to be more gentle with eachother.
Let's hope this sister is able to resolve her problems soon.
BUt I hope for her sake this husband of hers isn't a jerk. Maybe his parents didn't teach him very well how to deal with other people. Who knows...
------------- some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set
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Posted By: Shasta'sAunt
Date Posted: 17 September 2009 at 2:00pm
Salaams,
Even if there is a reasonable explanantion for why he is unhappy with her potato paring skills, there is usually no good explanantion for why a newly married( or not so newly married) Muslim man is watching pornography on his pc.
I personally can't think of a valid reason for this, no matter whose side of the story it is. And it's insult to injury to be doing so during Ramadan.
------------- �No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.�
Eleanor Roosevelt
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Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 17 September 2009 at 3:49pm
".....and he has watched to adult videos..."
Might there be some misunderstanding as to what actually are
"adult videos"? I certainly understand them to be porno, however another culture may see "R" rated as "adult video", which clearly it is not. Hey, just for the sake of argument anyway.
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Posted By: Shasta'sAunt
Date Posted: 17 September 2009 at 4:15pm
"Hey, just for the sake of argument anyway. "
A man looking for an argument? You must be a glutton for punishment....
------------- �No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.�
Eleanor Roosevelt
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Posted By: Akhe Abdullah
Date Posted: 17 September 2009 at 4:41pm
abuayisha wrote:
� Hopefully with patience, communication, love and understanding you two can work around this problem. | InshAllah Ta ala
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Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 17 September 2009 at 6:05pm
yeah, perhaps I meant debate. I know how ugly arguments can get, but seeing that it was you I felt reassured.
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Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 17 September 2009 at 6:27pm
Maybe she should tell him there is a potato shortage, lol.
Lol
Yes let's debate.. maybe we can solve it all.. lol
May Allah have mercy on all of us.
------------- When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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Posted By: salaam123
Date Posted: 17 September 2009 at 6:57pm
abuayisha wrote:
".....and he has watched to adult videos..."
Might there be some misunderstanding as to what actually are
"adult videos"? I certainly understand them to be porno, however another culture may see "R" rated as "adult video", which clearly it is not. Hey, just for the sake of argument anyway. |
Ok I'm sorry, I don't know what I did to you that you are blaming everything on me. I know what he was watching because I saw in the internet browsing history. There were links for youtube and what not, and the heading for the name of the videos was inappropriate. I clicked it so I can make sure I wasn't jumping to any conclusions and it went to a video of 2 women doing "things" to each other. And there were more than 1 video he had seen...there were 8. So I don't think there was a misunderstanding there.
And when he called me to ask me to prepare food for his coworkers, I was happy to do it. I was not rude about it...I would rather cook for him and and the other guys than to not know if he ate and if he was full or still hungry.
Hayfa I did confront him about his internet video activities and he said he just did it to make me mad...even though he tried to hide it from me when he found out that those links were in the history. I don't know why anyone would do such a thing
I try to talk to him but he wont own up to anything, like the videos. I don't know if he expects me to believe his only intention was to make me mad and he "didn't even watch the videos" even though there were 8 of them.
He is talking to me again though. I think it may only be because I found out he likes to watch two women doing inappropriate things to each other. I don't know
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Posted By: Pati
Date Posted: 17 September 2009 at 11:11pm
Dear Salaam123,
I feel sorry for what you discovered... but that's another point for you. I mean, now, you know that he is "taking his own medicine", cause the lack of intimate with you (I mean, in case this is the first time he is looking for adult websites in internet, and I hope so).
Now, you have two options:
- To give in, and give the first step trying to come back to him, and making him come back to you.
- To keep quite waiting until he understands what he did.
Both of them are very dangerous: if you choose the first one, he may think that you are weak and that you will always do, no matter the problems between you both (except in case you are showing him that you are angry, that you are his wife and have your rights too, and that he did something really bad and has to understand it).
The second option... well, in my opinion, no matter the age men have, they are so many times having childrens behaviours... and I think this one is like a child: "you don't cook like my mother", "you didn't cook enough food for me and my friends, and the quality was not good", "I don't want to talk"... Well, at least, now you are practising for the moment you get your own children
I cannot tell you what to do, because I don't know him and I don't want to make a mistake. But I will tell you what I was doing sometimes with my ex-boyfriend. Men are not communicative, they are not used to talk about their problems (well, at beginning, later I teached him to tell me everything and he learned ). So, when something happened to him, or he didn't like something I said or I did, I was realizing just with a look. He was trying to hide, but... well, I am not st**id.
So, if the problem was at home, I was following him everywhere: if he was in the sofa, I was going to sit with him. If he was going to the bed, I was going with him (as close as I was able to be). If he was going to the kitchen, me too (except to the bathroom, eh!). So, after time, he started shouting to me: what are you doing? what are you looking for? Bla bla bla... and I was smiling in nice way and telling him that I just wanted to be with him, nothing else. After 1 or 2 hours... the problem was solved He was telling me what happened, and everything was coming back to the peace. I don't mean with your husband it could work, because really, my ex didn't tell me anything like what your husband told you, but... we are wise as women, and we know the "flank" to attack from ... I hope you understand me. You are his wife, and he is your husband, so don't feel shy to use "intimate" relations to benefit yourself. Or at least, just make him think that there is a chance (sorry if I am going too far, I am just thinking about what he was watching in internet).
But for sure the matter is not only to solve this situation, but to avoid futures problems like this, and I don't think all that is really related to the way you cut the potatoes. I think you both should talk, and you have to show him that you have your own opinions on things and you want to tell him.
Well, I don't know if I am going to help you too much, but at least, I want to ask you to be strong, and whatever you do, do it thinking about the future, and about yourself. The marriage should be forever, and we should be strong to face all kind of situations, and to solve them. You should be, I am sure, and your love and God will help you.
Best regards, Patricia
------------- No God wants the killing, but the peace.
The weapons are carried by people, not by religions.
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Posted By: Full of Hopes
Date Posted: 18 September 2009 at 12:43am
Asslamu Alaikum Sister I am happy that I have read your other reply, the one with the compute websites. I pray to Allah to let me help every one. Please, take this from your sister. Some women are VERY good Muslims. But they have got a problem they do not feel of it. They are always thinking about the obedience and the religion. I mean they worry too much want Allah to be pleased with them, which is really Great. But dear Islam also order us to have some time for fun and take some rest for our souls in doing things related to this life which we like. I will explain more. ... It is fine you search the net to know how to be a good Muslim, but give some time to search how to be a good wife and please him in another sides. You must understand what I mean. Also have some time to search the web for new fashion, new decoration, new make up styles, new dresses, new pics some fun. I mean enjoy your life. In a balance and wise way. But do not take the whole time just looking for the way to be a good Muslim wife, because I think you are already a good Muslim wife. It is good to be a good Muslim, but sister some women think that the true Islam want us to spend life reading Quraan and praying or looking only for good deeds. I hope you understand.
Men want the funny and alive woman. They want to see a strong personality with good and even funny manners. They would like the woman who always has new ideas and good education about the family issues.
Sister, now I am sure that cooking is not the matter. You must hurry to understand what is going around you. And a little advice do not tell him you saw the history, he will be sure to delete it the next time. But this action gives you a clue.
May Allah help you..
------------- And whoever seeks a religion other than Isl�m, it will never be accepted of him, and in the Hereafter he will be one of the losers(3:85)
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Posted By: Shasta'sAunt
Date Posted: 18 September 2009 at 3:29pm
abuayisha wrote:
yeah, perhaps I meant debate. I know how ugly arguments can get, but seeing that it was you I felt reassured. |
My motto: float like a butterfly, land like a sack o'potatoes.......
------------- �No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.�
Eleanor Roosevelt
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Posted By: salaam123
Date Posted: 18 September 2009 at 4:34pm
Full of Hopes wrote:
Asslamu Alaikum Sister I am happy that I have read your other reply, the one with the compute websites. I pray to Allah to let me help every one. Please, take this from your sister. Some women are VERY good Muslims. But they have got a problem they do not feel of it. They are always thinking about the obedience and the religion. I mean they worry too much want Allah to be pleased with them, which is really Great. But dear Islam also order us to have some time for fun and take some rest for our souls in doing things related to this life which we like. I will explain more. ... It is fine you search the net to know how to be a good Muslim, but give some time to search how to be a good wife and please him in another sides. You must understand what I mean. Also have some time to search the web for new fashion, new decoration, new make up styles, new dresses, new pics some fun. I mean enjoy your life. In a balance and wise way. But do not take the whole time just looking for the way to be a good Muslim wife, because I think you are already a good Muslim wife. It is good to be a good Muslim, but sister some women think that the true Islam want us to spend life reading Quraan and praying or looking only for good deeds. I hope you understand.
Men want the funny and alive woman. They want to see a strong personality with good and even funny manners. They would like the woman who always has new ideas and good education about the family issues.
Sister, now I am sure that cooking is not the matter. You must hurry to understand what is going around you. And a little advice do not tell him you saw the history, he will be sure to delete it the next time. But this action gives you a clue.
May Allah help you..
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Salaam Full of Hopes. I understand what you mean, but the only reason I was looking at how to be a better Islamically was because I grew up in Canada, my parents never talked to us about Islam in marriage and what not because they thought I guess we would pick it up ourselves and we would know. My husband grew up in an Islamic country, so I hope you can understand that I thought maybe there was something that I didn't know and he did but wasn't telling me.
As for the dressing and makeup...sister believe me I ALWAYS try, everyday to make sure I look nice for my husband because I always thought if I don't look good for him, he may focus on another woman that does look good. You know?
Everyday I do my makeup alittle different, maybe different eyeshadow or different colour lipstick. I wear dresses for him all the time at home because I know he likes it.
But anyways that's why I wanted to see if there was something as a Muslim women I wasn't doing. And I did look that up too...how to be a good Muslim wife and what's expected of a wife and all that.
Thanks for your comments
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Posted By: UmmAmara
Date Posted: 18 September 2009 at 5:59pm
ASA,
I think the best thing for our sister is for us 2 give her advice that will be best for her marriage.Reading some few posts here...many sisters give the impressions that they can never stay with a man like this...but have u heard of the saying that says..'From the frying pan into the fire?'...u might seem better off without him but the next man you will get could be worse than that.And this time,it wudnt be about harmless potatoes.
Sisters,there is no perfect man in this world.Men were not created like women,the sooner you understand their nature,the easier life becomes for you.
Rather than wasting time trying 2fight with them...its much easier if the sister gives in 2this fight(we all know that the Prophet SAW said that muslims shud not stay for more than 3days without talking and that the first person 2break the ice gets more thawaabs)...she will get to find the reason as 2why all this is happening.
My dear sister,how u break the ice also matters.There are many ways of doing it...u knw ur husband well...get his likes and be brave and adventurerous when doing so.He is ur husband...he is not perfect.Accept him. Learn 2 live with him,mould him and be patient when doing so.It duznt work overnight.
Also,look at what might be the problem from ur side and be honest about it,coz it might be u or it might be him.You don't have to tel us but look for a solution within urself.
Behind every successful man is a woman...they forgot to put strong before woman...so be strong.Trust in Allah SW.No one else.Everything will come in place.
Marriage is not a contest as to who will give in first...marriage is about accepting each other.Be more than that...be the stronger one,be the mature one,be the fool now but infront of Allah SW ur the winner.
All the best.
------------- Acquisition of knowledge requires a great deal of patience and hardwork.
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Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 18 September 2009 at 8:34pm
Aslaam ALaikum Amara,
Did you read the post about him watching 'adult movies on the Internet."
I agree we should be the mature ones.. but at times there are greater concerns here. And whereas for some watching that stuff is not a big deal. But for others it is a grave concern.
And it does not sound like she is fighting. .she sounds to me, more bewildered then anything else. No one here is saying she should stay or leave her husband.. she is not speaking about how to cook. Cook him the potatoes he likes, no one cares.. but if he is unable to be 'satisfied' what should the sister do?
I guess I do not understand how you perceive she is fighting with him
May Allah have mercy on us all.
Hayfa
------------- When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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Posted By: martha
Date Posted: 18 September 2009 at 8:35pm
UmmAmara wrote:
ASA,
I think the best thing for our sister is for us 2 give her advice that will be best for her marriage.Reading some few posts here...many sisters give the impressions that they can never stay with a man like this...but have u heard of the saying that says..'From the frying pan into the fire?'...u might seem better off without him but the next man you will get could be worse than that.And this time,it wudnt be about harmless potatoes.
Sisters,there is no perfect man in this world.Men were not created like women,the sooner you understand their nature,the easier life becomes for you. Rather than wasting time trying 2fight with them...its much easier if the sister gives in 2this fight(we all know that the Prophet SAW said that muslims shud not stay for more than 3days without talking and that the first person 2break the ice gets more thawaabs)...she will get to find the reason as 2why all this is happening.
My dear sister,how u break the ice also matters.There are many ways of doing it...u knw ur husband well...get his likes and be brave and adventurerous when doing so.He is ur husband...he is not perfect.Accept him. Learn 2 live with him,mould him and be patient when doing so.It duznt work overnight.
Also,look at what might be the problem from ur side and be honest about it,coz it might be u or it might be him.You don't have to tel us but look for a solution within urself.
Behind every successful man is a woman...they forgot to put strong before woman...so be strong.Trust in Allah SW.No one else.Everything will come in place.
Marriage is not a contest as to who will give in first...marriage is about accepting each other.Be more than that...be the stronger one,be the mature one,be the fool now but infront of Allah SW ur the winner.
All the best. |
Walaikum assalaam.
I don't think the sister in question is particularly wanting to fight with her husband. How can she fight if he doesn't talk or respond to her? Of course men are not perfect, neither are women, but this husband seems to hide stuff from his wife ie watching porn...so one has to wonder what else he hides too.
Regarding the potatoes..normally I would say it is not a big issue...but the husband has made it one and continues to do so. If the sister gives in to him then it is manipulation on his part and he could well find fault in her regarding other issues. She does not have to accept this kind of behaviour from him..but he has to bend a little and not necessarily expect her to do so. Like I say, it seems he wants to control her. It is better for him and their marriage if he laughed off her faults and guides her in an Islamic way. He doesn't appear to be doing that. The sister on the face of it appears to be trying to resolve the concerns...but is unable to as he doesn't speak.
I guess why some of us sisters here give the impression they could never stay with a man like this is because they recognise some unusual behavioral problems with him.As for myself, I had a terrible marriage lasting 6 years where my husband found fault with small things such as food, that led to other stuff and I ended up feeling worthless. Any small thing I bought for the home ( and I mean I bought, not him) he did not like it. It continued to the extent that he found it amusing if I became upset. He manipulated and abused, eventually took all my money and for the sake of my health I had to finish the marriage. It was full of deceit and lies on his part. I am not suggesting this sister's husband is the same, but some of us can see the early signs. And she is being made to feel guilty over something trivial. She at least is trying to be sensible without allowing him to use her as a doormat.
The issues really are more than potatoes. And she has not been back here for some days I see. Let us hope the problem is resolved, but many sisters experience this kind of behaviour and come here. Only the 2 people in question know the full story...and we sincerely do support her and hope she makes a go of the marriage, but not if it is going nowhere. She needs to also see the signs and maybe tell us more of her concerns. THen we can get a clearer picture.
------------- some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set
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Posted By: Full of Hopes
Date Posted: 18 September 2009 at 9:11pm
UmmAmara wrote:
ASA,
I think the best thing for our sister is for us 2 give her advice that will be best for her marriage.Reading some few posts here...many sisters give the impressions that they can never stay with a man like this...but have u heard of the saying that says..'From the frying pan into the fire?'... . |
Asslamu Alaikum
I think you want to say, if she feels herself in a trouble, why should I make her feel it worse? When sister Salam reads these posts saying, if I were in your place, I would not accept, maybe she feels she is sad or sorry lower than other women who posted we do not accept it.
I think that is what sister Amara wanted to say .
But as sisters Martha and Hayfa said, she does not mention any willing to fight. And on the other hand, these comments like what some sisters replied: if we were in your place we would do so and so, can make her feel relieved and relax into ways:
1- She will take it easy, they are making jokes to let her feel happier. 2- She will not blame herself for anything, other women and men are with her in her opinion. Sister, I know we should obey our men and treat them in the good Islamic way, but some women become so boring when they do not say NO to the men when they do not give them their rights. Some think that the obedience mean, I have no right to express myself and state my right in front of the man. We are not their slaves, Islam says that we are their wives. We share them the life. If they do not understand that, the life can not be safe and remain. Sister, Amara, I see, we should obey men but they should respect us and feel of us. If she wants her hubby to be back, I think she is already obeying but she needs to understand her problem more.
I pray to Allah the most Merciful to help you sister Salam. I really want you to be happy with your husband. It is common to have these problems in the beginning but later on you will know each other more. Take care.
------------- And whoever seeks a religion other than Isl�m, it will never be accepted of him, and in the Hereafter he will be one of the losers(3:85)
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Posted By: Full of Hopes
Date Posted: 19 September 2009 at 10:03am
salaam123 wrote:
Full of Hopes wrote:
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Salaam Full of Hopes. I understand what you mean, but the only reason I was looking at how to be a better Islamically was because I grew up in Canada, my parents never talked to us about Islam in marriage and what not because they thought I guess we would pick it up ourselves and we would know. My husband grew up in an Islamic country, so I hope you can understand that I thought maybe there was something that I didn't know and he did but wasn't telling me.
As for the dressing and makeup...sister believe me I ALWAYS try, everyday to make sure I look nice for my husband because I always thought if I don't look good for him, he may focus on another woman that does look good. You know?
Everyday I do my makeup alittle different, maybe different eyeshadow or different colour lipstick. I wear dresses for him all the time at home because I know he likes it.
But anyways that's why I wanted to see if there was something as a Muslim women I wasn't doing. And I did look that up too...how to be a good Muslim wife and what's expected of a wife and all that.
Thanks for your comments
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Wa Alaikum Asslam
Sister, I did not say you do not care of your appearance. I never said that. I believe you do. I was just saying have some time for fun and your own life. It is really good you want to be a good Muslim wife for him, but because I care for you so much and I want to help you, I am telling you this. Some wives want to be good Muslims but worry too much until the men get bored. I know many like this, I want you to a ware of this and do not do like them.
Sister, I just feel you are a VERY good Mulism. You desrve a happy life. May Allah bless you.
------------- And whoever seeks a religion other than Isl�m, it will never be accepted of him, and in the Hereafter he will be one of the losers(3:85)
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Posted By: Shasta'sAunt
Date Posted: 19 September 2009 at 10:48am
Salaams Sisters:
We have mutual rights over men. This is not my opinion, this is the Word of Allah. Until we Muslim women start to see ourselves as equally deserving of the rights that Allah gave us then we have only ourselves to blame for being treated badly.
It is not unIslamic to demand what Allah has said is yours. What is umIslamic is to HAVE TO DEMAND it in the first place. A woman is not being less of a Muslim for wanting to be treated the way that Allah stated women should be treated, a man is being less of a Muslim for refusing to do so.
------------- �No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.�
Eleanor Roosevelt
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Posted By: martha
Date Posted: 19 September 2009 at 1:57pm
Shasta'sAunt wrote:
Salaams Sisters
It is not unIslamic to demand what Allah has said is yours. What is umIslamic is to HAVE TO DEMAND it in the first place. A woman is not being less of a Muslim for wanting to be treated the way that Allah stated women should be treated, a man is being less of a Muslim for refusing to do so. |
Shasta'sAunt...what an excellent way of putting it. Clear and to the point. I hope all brothers and sisters that read it get the message loud and clear. I certainly wish I could have put it this way when I was still married instead of my husband managing to get the last word and throw everything back in my face. As muslim wives I think we all try to please our husbands by doing the feminine things. ie look nice, try in all ways to make them smile etc etc. Most of us don;t want upsets and try to do as much as we can to prevent it. BUt often wives experience the same as Salaam123. I don't know why that should be. Lack of Islamic understanding, cultural upbringing(it can be hard to learn something different) or maybe men need to try to understand women more? I really don;t know the answer.
I hope Salaam123 tries to remain positive, but also sort out her problems.
Eid Mubarak to you
------------- some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set
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Posted By: Saladin
Date Posted: 20 October 2009 at 5:59am
If the husband's watching porn and reasons that its to make the wife mad, thats some real disrespect and disregard he's showing. I mean, even the least decent husband would've come up with some st**id explanation to play innocence, not blame it on the wife! If a wife did something similar, in some places even a lowlife degenerate husband will be so dishonored, the wife's a goner! And believe me, porn's a fitna of dajjalian proportions! IMO its even worse than conventional adultery.
The husband here has got to change if the marriage's to work cuz right now he seems to be a hot potato!
------------- 'Trust everyone but not the devil in them'
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Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 20 October 2009 at 7:54am
"IMO its even worse than conventional adultery."
What would unconventional adultery be? You do know there is capital punishment for adultery given the right set of circumstances, and that being the case, is porn really worse? Certainly a case could be made that the porn industry would fall under 'creating fitna in the land' thus making it also a very serious punishable offense, but the guy sitting in front of his computer in privacy at 1:00am when is thinks nobody is watching him can't be in the same category as adulterers and industry pornographers.
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Posted By: Full of Hopes
Date Posted: 20 October 2009 at 9:58am
Asslamu Allaikum
Sister Salam, I pray to Allah that you are fine and happy. We love you for the sake of Allah and wish you the happiness. Please forgive it if anyone said anything not kind here. WE are all human beings. And believe me we just wanted to help you. Hope you are happy. Smile.
------------- And whoever seeks a religion other than Isl�m, it will never be accepted of him, and in the Hereafter he will be one of the losers(3:85)
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Posted By: Akhe Abdullah
Date Posted: 20 October 2009 at 12:25pm
Posted By: Saladin
Date Posted: 21 October 2009 at 11:34am
abuayisha wrote:
"IMO its even worse than conventional adultery."
What would unconventional adultery be? You do know there is capital punishment for adultery given the right set of circumstances, and that being the case, is porn really worse? Certainly a case could be made that the porn industry would fall under 'creating fitna in the land' thus making it also a very serious punishable offense, but the guy sitting in front of his computer in privacy at 1:00am when is thinks nobody is watching him can't be in the same category as adulterers and industry pornographers. |
Conventional adultery - what I meant was private affairs. Porn's publicized affair and its breeding sickos! You know, professional porn's passe and amateur porn's in vogue. And if in professional porn nothing much is taboo, in amateur porn nothing's taboo! And if professional pornstars doing it for money is bad enough, what to say about amateurs doing it for free and many of them unwilling participants, many even unaware they're in it. Worse, its coming out even from the most conservative societies. So that guy sitting in front of his computer in privacy at 1:00am, may probably be one of those numerous and growing number of amateur porn contributing sickos or one of those sick sickos who's degenerated so much even his relatives aint safe from him and low odds he's one of those getting none and onto it to get off and go to sleep.
------------- 'Trust everyone but not the devil in them'
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Posted By: Akhe Abdullah
Date Posted: 21 October 2009 at 12:34pm
Salams 123.To be a good Muslim Husban to me is to lead by example and we have the examples of the best of people at arms reach,the husban teaches the wife(in some cases)and the wife teaches the children.I know a sister who converted after marrying her husban and all she wanted is for them to fear Allah together and practise the deen,He started doing otherwise and she left him,Im not saying this is what you should do but if you know that he is doing unislamic things you have a right to point him in the right direction(InshAllah)Keep him on his deen as we say.
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