Family Matter - women's rights in marriage

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women's rights in marriage

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Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Family Matter
Forum Description: Discuss Family Issues
URL: https://www.islamicity.org/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=15465
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Topic: women's rights in marriage

Posted By: fatmah
Subject: women's rights in marriage
Date Posted: 17 September 2009 at 12:47pm

Salam everyone.

I have few questions regarding marriage life:

1) In married life, assuming that a man still has his parents alive, if his wife asks him something (eg purchase something, food, goods, clothes, anything), and his mum at the same time asks him for some other thing (eg travel, go on holidays, etc), which one of them must he first give his attention to?what i want to know is who must he look after first?

2) Assume that husband and wife live separately from inlaws, and his mum, who is also married, wants to go on holidays alone, living her husband and her mother in law, at home alone, and asks to her son for, in that period of time, when she is in holidays (2 months) he and his wife should live their home and stay at her house to look after things, is her son's wife obliged to comply with her desire? can she be forced to live her house for those two months?

3) which rights do i have in my marriage, as woman and which duties?

4) are my opinions in children education relevant or shall i just keep quite and accept whatever my husband decides?

5)If my mother in law always interferes in my life and my husband doesn't do anything what rights do i have or how can i stop her of ordering me of doing stuff which i dont want to (if i need to give hospitality to sm1 that is traveling in my house, she forbidds me to, if i want to go an have a meal at my parents, or buy something for my house, or if i have a program with my husband, i need to cancel it just because she has other plans)...

6)which duties have husbands towards their wifes?

7)if something is wrong and still then my husband wants to do his way am i obliged to do it or can i refuse?

8)what is isslam's view on a wife that is not satisfied with the husband?

9)If the husband doesn't work and all expenses are paid by his wife, who has the last decisions at home?

Please give me your best advice in an isslamic point of view.

Jazakallah

Replies:

Posted By: Pati
Date Posted: 19 September 2009 at 7:38am

Salams fatmah,

I am sorry, but I cannot help you from an Islamic point of view, but really, what you are talking about I think it's not coming from Islam but from traditions or culture. I know people from Cameroun, and they are explaining the same problems with their husbands: they want to give everything to mother and sisters, and most of the times forget the wives...

I wish if I could help, I will try my best:

1) In married life, assuming that a man still has his parents alive, if his wife asks him something (eg purchase something, food, goods, clothes, anything), and his mum at the same time asks him for some other thing (eg travel, go on holidays, etc), which one of them must he first give his attention to?what i want to know is who must he look after first?

What I think is that he is obligated to pay the most necessary things. If the wife is asking for food, and the mother for holidays, sure the food is something necessary, while the holidays can wait.

2) Assume that husband and wife live separately from inlaws, and his mum, who is also married, wants to go on holidays alone, living her husband and her mother in law, at home alone, and asks to her son for, in that period of time, when she is in holidays (2 months) he and his wife should live their home and stay at her house to look after things, is her son's wife obliged to comply with her desire? can she be forced to live her house for those two months?

I can understand that the mother wants them to take a look from time to time at her house, but I don't think they are obligated to leave their MARRIAGE house in order to take care the husband mother's one. How is it possible to leave your own house just because someone is on holidays? I would understand it, in case she (husband's mother) is sick and needs for help, but is she is just in holidays... Except they both want to go to the other house.

3) which rights do i have in my marriage, as woman and which duties?

Sorry, but I cannot help you from an Islamic point of view, so a prefer not to say anything.

4) are my opinions in children education relevant or shall i just keep quite and accept whatever my husband decides?

Normally, both parents should take care of the children education, after an agreement (and normally, this agreement should be done before marriage, in order to avoid unexpected problems). Actually, commonly is the mother who spends more time with the children, so she is taking the main role in the children's education. But I am sure that the mother should give her opinion about children education.

5)If my mother in law always interferes in my life and my husband doesn't do anything what rights do i have or how can i stop her of ordering me of doing stuff which i dont want to (if i need to give hospitality to sm1 that is traveling in my house, she forbidds me to, if i want to go an have a meal at my parents, or buy something for my house, or if i have a program with my husband, i need to cancel it just because she has other plans)...

When a man gets married, he leaves his mother to dedicate his life to his wife and children, or at least that's the theory. Sure he should take care of his family, but you and your children should be first.

You know, this is a common problem, the problems from the mother's in law: the husband mother, thinks that his wife "is not enough" for his son, and that she is not easy to make him all the things she was doing while the son was with her. At the same time, the wife's mother thinks that the man is not enough careful with her daughter, and is hurting her too much.

If I were you, I would try to avoid any interference coming from each family, and I would talk seriously to your husband because that feelings your mother in law is giving you are not good for your marriage relation.

6)which duties have husbands towards their wifes?

I cannot help, sorry.

7)if something is wrong and still then my husband wants to do his way am i obliged to do it or can i refuse?

You answered yourself: SOMETHING IS WRONG. If you do something, even knowing that it was wrong, both of you are guilty. But I am sure that someone here will be able to give you an Islamic answer.

8)what is isslam's view on a wife that is not satisfied with the husband?

What they told me is that she can ask for divorce in that situation. Sure you are obligated to look for an understanding, but if it doesn't work, better not to lose your time.

9)If the husband doesn't work and all expenses are paid by his wife, who has the last decisions at home?

Well, actually, we were talking about this point yesterday in the Mosque. The husband is OBLIGATED to work and to maintain his wife and the rest of women and children around, but the wife doesn't have this obligation to work. Actually, what they told me (I repeat, in the Mosque, in the Islam classes) was that wife's money is only for her, and she has to decide if she wants to share it with her husband or not, and in case she doesn't want, she can reject giving him anything, in order to make him work.

Good luck and all the best. You have a very difficult situation to face and you need courage and strength to do.

Allah guide you in this difficult moment.

Salams and Eid mubarak,
Patricia

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No God wants the killing, but the peace.
The weapons are carried by people, not by religions.

Posted By: martha
Date Posted: 19 September 2009 at 2:02pm

Asalaam alaikum sister Fatmah,

I will think about your questions deeply and come back to you. I just wanted to say welcome and Eid Mubarak to you and all your family.

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some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set

Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 19 September 2009 at 5:09pm

Asalam Aaikum Fatmah.

I too want to welcome you.

This is a good web site that you may want to look at. Some of your questions like your husband support and obligations to parents and you.. may need to be asked of a scholar, unless someone has proofs.
http://www.jannah.org/sisters/marr.html

In general women are expected to be obedient. But any 'leader' should consult people. A marriage is a partnership.

In terms of guests, yes he is to be obeyed. But I do believe a husband cannot or should not forbid someone from visiting your parents.

And I believe you are not under obligation to 'obey' your in-laws. They should not treat you as a servant. Of course if you are kind and respectful to folks you do get reward. But you are under no obligation to follow their direction or 'orders.' You have obligations to YOUR parents.

Hayfa

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When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi

Posted By: Shasta'sAunt
Date Posted: 19 September 2009 at 5:56pm

fatmah wrote:

Salam everyone.

I have few questions regarding marriage life:

1) In married life, assuming that a man still has his parents alive, if his wife asks him something (eg purchase something, food, goods, clothes, anything), and his mum at the same time asks him for some other thing (eg travel, go on holidays, etc), which one of them must he first give his attention to?what i want to know is who must he look after first?

As Muslims we must honor our parents, but financial maintenance, qiwamah, for his wife is obligatory on a married man.

Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. 4:34

While financial responsibility of widows, orphans, and unmarried women may fall to a male relative, this does not mean that he can ignore his obligatory responsibility toward his wife.

2) Assume that husband and wife live separately from inlaws, and his mum, who is also married, wants to go on holidays alone, living her husband and her mother in law, at home alone, and asks to her son for, in that period of time, when she is in holidays (2 months) he and his wife should live their home and stay at her house to look after things, is her son's wife obliged to comply with her desire? can she be forced to live her house for those two months?

There is nothing in Islam that states you must be at the beck and call of your mother-in-law.

3) which rights do i have in my marriage, as woman and which duties?

O mankind! reverence your Guardian-Lord, Who created you from a single person (nafsin-waahidah), created, of like nature, his mate, and from them two scattered (like seeds) countless men and women; reverence Allah through Whom you demand your mutual (rights) and (reverence) the wombs (that bore you): for Allah ever watches over you�
(Quran 4:1)

You have mutual rights over your husband. You have the right to control your own money and property. You do not have to act as a maid or servant. There is nothing in Islam that demands women cook and clean, however, if you choose to do so that is your right. You have the right to live in peace and harmony:

And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts); verily in that are signs for those who reflect. (Quran 30:21)

4) are my opinions in children education relevant or shall i just keep quite and accept whatever my husband decides?

The Quran states in one instance that decisions regarding children should be by mutual consent:

...If they both decide on weaning by mutual consent, and after due consultation, there is no blame on them. If you decide on a foster-mother for your offspring, there is no blame on you, provided you pay (the mother) what you offered on equitable terms. But fear Allah and know that Allah sees well what you do. (Quran 2:233)

5)If my mother in law always interferes in my life and my husband doesn't do anything what rights do i have or how can i stop her of ordering me of doing stuff which i dont want to (if i need to give hospitality to sm1 that is traveling in my house, she forbidds me to, if i want to go an have a meal at my parents, or buy something for my house, or if i have a program with my husband, i need to cancel it just because she has other plans)...

No one can forbid you to spend your own money, or how you use your own property. If the house is yours then she has no say.

6)which duties have husbands towards their wifes?

Financial maintenance and protection

Kindness and tranquility

Mutual respect

Mutual consultation

7)if something is wrong and still then my husband wants to do his way am i obliged to do it or can i refuse?

I think it depends on the situation unless it is something unIslamic. Then you are obligated to refuse.

8)what is isslam's view on a wife that is not satisfied with the husband?

You can seek a divorce, khula. In such a case you would have to return any dowry he gave you.

9)If the husband doesn't work and all expenses are paid by his wife, who has the last decisions at home?

The Shariah (Islamic Law) recognizes the full property rights of women before and after marriage. They may buy, sell or lease any or all of their properties at will. For this reason, Muslim women may keep (and in fact they have traditionally kept) their maiden names after marriage, an indication of their independent property rights as legal entities.

Please give me your best advice in an isslamic point of view.

According to Prophet Muhammad's (P) saying, "Women are but sisters (shaqaiq, or twin halves) of men." https://www.soundvision.com/Info/gender/notes.asp#note20 - 20 This hadith is a profound statement that directly relates to the issue of human equality between the genders. If the first meaning of shaqaiq is adopted, it means that a male is worth one half (of society), with the female worth the other half. Can "one half" be better or bigger than the other half? Is there a more simple but profound physical image of equality? If the second meaning, "sisters," is adopted, it implies the same. The term "sister " is different from "slave " or "master. " (Jamal Badawi)

Insha'Allah this will help.

Jazakallah

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�No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.�
Eleanor Roosevelt

Posted By: salahuddeen2009
Date Posted: 22 September 2009 at 4:23pm

salam sister

i'm sending you the link to download the books & navigate the websiteof this imenent scholar:

http://www.salahsoltan.com/main/index.php?id=29,196,0,0,1,0http://www.salahsoltan.com/main/index.php?id=29,196,0,0,1,0 - http://www.salahsoltan.com/main/index.php?id=29,196,0,0,1,0

here are some of his fatwas also:

http://www.salahsoltan.com/main/index.php?_hdi - http://www.salahsoltan.com/main/index.php?_hdi

Also,this site is a good informative one,u can also send ur questions there:

http://www.islam-qa.com/en/cat/343 - http://www.islam-qa.com/en/cat/343

Posted By: fatmah
Date Posted: 24 September 2009 at 2:00am

Jazakallah everyone with your most apreciated advices and for the websites recommended.I'm looking forward to hear more opinions.

I was reading a website and came out with another doubt:

Women are expected to be loyal and faithfull to men, right?Doesn't he has the same duty towards her?

Men are entitled to lightly hit women wen they are desobedient in exteme cases, and what if a men is desobedient in his duties in extreme cases, after being adviced to comply with his obligations or rectify his mis-conducted?who lightly hits him?

One of the duties of men is to provide a home to her wife. Does this mean that we are forced to live with his parents?sometimes parents force their sons to live with them after marriage. I believe this should happen if the husband has no financial means to bear the costs of living apart but shall this be definitve, shouldn't he stuggle to get his financial independency and provide a better shelter to his wife?What does isslam says on this...Am i or not entitled to have my own private house?

Jazakallah once again on your guidance.

Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 24 September 2009 at 8:40pm

Asalam Alaikum

Women are expected to be loyal and faithfull to men, right?Doesn't he has the same duty towards her?

We are are all expected to be obedient to Allah. A man is supposed to be loyal and faithful to his wife or wives. Yes. He should not backbite or slander his wife. He should be kind to he and as moth should show mercy to each other.

Disobedience: there are extreme cases a woman may lightly be tapped (and all of this is translation which is tricky). It is quite wise that women do not do the same as that as most men are bigger.. bad odds. I have a friend whose brother in law was treating his wife really poorly... having girlfriends, not working, etc. They gave him a chance to clean up. Would not stop... even hit his wife. And the brother in law hit him, you don't abuse women. Works for me... lol

For women they have a right to leave if his conduct is unislamic. She has a right to seek an end to the marriage. We are never expected to live with ongoing haram behavior. Neither men or women.

No a woman can also leave if she does not want to live with in-laws. Yes you are entitled to a place with a separate entrance and facilities, unles written into ther marriage contract or agreed upon.

You are also addressing ongoing financial difficulties.. if it is really 'hard times' or the man just doesn't want to change things.. But she has every right to have seprate facilities, even if its separate places to live, but in the same building.
Relationships are tricky and take alot of hard work.. takes all people to try hard and to compromise.

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When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi