MARRIAGE
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Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Groups : Women (Sisters)
Forum Description: Groups : Women (Sisters)
URL: https://www.islamicity.org/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=15578
Printed Date: 30 November 2024 at 6:49pm
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Topic: MARRIAGE
Posted By: saima100
Subject: MARRIAGE
Date Posted: 04 October 2009 at 12:03pm
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I have a strange problem and i really want opinions from other people.First i will write a bit of background so that my problem would not be taken as of someone who is totally spoiled.
I am previosly divorced and the reason for divorce was that my eks was not happy with my dowry and i still did everything to make that marriage work but in the end it didnt work out.I did not leave marriage happily nor am i proud of doing so.At the same time i have a father who is quite immature and i have seen her struggle all her life with him.And we all still do as he can act violent and extremely verbally abusive to people around him.Im highly educated and have a good job. Im getting married after some months with someone whom i met throuhg my parents but we talked in detail everything before we did anything final and he is one of the most perfect people i have ever met. He is also divorced highly educated.He is a v mature person who has gone through alot in his life as well.His father left the family and he has done small jobs in addition to his studies to support his education.He is also divorced and the reason for his divorce is that she got interested in someoneelse. |
Replies:
Posted By: saima100
Date Posted: 04 October 2009 at 12:09pm
| We both have discussed everything in detail about our future and we match perfectly in every way.We both want family we both give importance to family and not money.Both are used to hard work.Whatever we discuss we come to the conclusion that we will work out perfectly in every way.He is like me somewhat religious as well.We are v direct in our approaches and that is what we liked in each other as well.We never played games with each other and said directly what we wanted in relationship and when.As a result we had literally discussed everything thre is to discuss in the first 1 week.At the same time we both talk extremely fast.So maybe that is too a fact.Now after that we both were v secure and felt v safe and happy that Allah has atlast made us both happy.We dont believe in dating etc so we told our parents after talking on telephone and meeting in their presence two times that we were satisfied.He discussed in detail with his family before finalizing and i discussed with my family in detail before finalizing and everyone agreed that we suit each other.So everyone is finally happy. |
Posted By: saima100
Date Posted: 04 October 2009 at 12:17pm
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So everything was finalized in about 3 weeks.All went well and we now talk daily on telephone.With the passage of time i have started noticing that the confidence which i felt he had before he said yes to me has diminished after we got engaged.Now he is v conscious about his looks and at the same time about the fact that he cant be a good husband.In short low self esteem when it comes to being a husband.I do get that it is bc his first wife left him bc of another person.But it works in a v strange way.Fistly he was afraid that we wont have any topics to talk on like what happened in his first marriage.Now he feels safe that we always have topics to talk on.Then he does every possible thing to make me happy which is quite stressing for me and him.Though if i talk about it he wont admit it.Gifts which he gives to me are extremely expensive.He does say so as well that as his last wife was never happy with anything he bought for her so he want me to be happy.At the same time he give me alot of choice in everything just to make me happy.That much is v fine.But his idea of making me happy is contacting me constantly the entire day on sms and on telephone.I get about 20 sms daily which im not used to atall in any relationship in my life.Then his messages are extremely romantic.If i dont respond in the same way he gets insecure and starts to doubt our relationship.He starts to doubt if i even like him.He starts to doubt if there is something wrong with him.I have tried my level best to make him secure.
The problem which has arisen is that his romantic sms etc are not out of love but out of fear.He keeps on doing them when he does not want to do them as well and as a result what happens is that he himself get irritated with this and so do i.And when we both get irritated his insecurity about the fact that there is something wrong with him or the relationship becomes even more strong.And that makes him trust less and less on me as well. |
Posted By: saima100
Date Posted: 04 October 2009 at 12:30pm
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Now i have literally read everything there is on low self esteem and on how a relationship works and how to get close emotionally to a person but i dont know what to do here.Now the fact that his sms and tlf continue due to fear results in that we start getting bored of each other and then want somewhat space from each other.At times then he himself or i dont contact each other for 2 days or so and then again it results in the same problem that it increases his isecurities and he starts to doubt 3 things.
1) himself 2)me and my attachment 3)the overall relationship progress At the same time i would like to mention is that his ekswife told him clearly that she did not like him due to his looks and due to the fact that he is not enough romantic.And that was the reason for their divorce.(though he is quite handsome) I at times feel that im getting tense without any reason maybe with time everything will be fine as he will trust me more. At the same time i would say that he is a v sensible person who is v good with his economy,has a close relationship with his mother and 3 brothers.Extremely helping when it comes to home and his close family.He is a player on national level and coach as well and that is his passion and as far as i know has not even a single bad habit or flaw which i can pinpoint.He is in the management of a mosque as a new mosque is being build in his area. |
Posted By: saima100
Date Posted: 04 October 2009 at 12:48pm
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I just forgot to mention that his eks wife told him about her affair with another person and this person said to her that he could forgive her if she totally left him and came back to him but she after some months decided to leave him.He still has nothing bad to say about her and says that maybe she was a good muslim and only liked the way the other person talked and he is not willing to say anything other than this about her.He says her acts are between her and Allah and i dont want to believe the worst.Similarly i have never heard him say anything bad about his father either.Everytime he has mentioned his father is with extreme respect and with v good words.Once he said this as well that it was so good when my parents lived together.Though father does not contact his children and got married 3 times this i found out from someoneelse.I really want to make him happy and secure as what he has faced in life has made me cry alot of time.I just dont understand how he can be so positive towards everything around him.He is born and brought up in a western country and is 34 years old and has only gone to his parents country of origin 2 times.Last time about 15 years ago.So his mental strength can be seen by the fact that he has a v good muslim identity and at the same time knows clearly what is right and wrong in life and what he wants.But this small problem is frightning me.
Can anyone give me any suggestion as to what i should do in this case should i talk to him about all this or not.Im afraid he will get even more afraid if i discuss anything with him. Or should i just let the time help and make him secure with time maybe that is all that is needed. What im afraid of is that these insecurities of his will hinder in developing a trusting relationship in between us. Though i have give him some hints.Like i said to him once that it really doesnt matter how much contact we have everyday.And i also said that at time i dont want to talk to him everyday and said it in a jolly way that hope you dont get afraid of that.And said that the day i want to talk to you i will not hesitate to say so the day i dont want to talk to you i will not hesitate to say so either.I think he did get a bit relaxed after that.But here i talked about myself not about him.Any other suggestiong??? |
Posted By: Pati
Date Posted: 06 October 2009 at 11:58am
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Hi Saima100, Well, it's a long story, really, and at the same time beautiful and sad. First of all, I will tell you that I met my own father in your description of your future husband. He is very romantic, while my mother is not, and sometimes I saw my father sad after buying her flowers, jewels or this kind of things without any answer but "why? OK, thanks, but we have not money for that!!!". My father too had a very difficult life, because his parents got 12 children, and when he was born they sent him to another village with my granfather brothers, so my father didn't have too much contact with his family. Actually, during his whole life, everytime someone from his family is coming to him, it's just to ask for something... but see, I never heard anything bad from him about his family, only good words. And I am sure I will never hear. Is it bad? Well, I don't think so. I am sure that inside him, he knows the real situation, but at the same time... what can he do? It's his family!! So he will always be there for them, because the blood relation is something we cannot change. I hope you can understand what I mean with my father's story. He is really happy, and his happiness started the day of his marriage with my mother. About your boyfriend... well, I would ask you to imagine you were in his situation: the closest person to you is cheating you, and you forget all that pain to give her a second chance... and she leaves... Well, it sounds too hard, really. I am sorry for him. And you said he is a very sensitive person, so... imagine. You have to understand him (something I know you are trying to do). My suggestion? Well, as your relation is based on the commitment, the truth, and the confidence in each other, you have to show him that he is the only one, and you are not his exw, but his future. Show him that you will be there forever for him, you will be the mother of his children, and you will think only about him even in dreams. Show him that this world is just him. How to do? Well, send him short message with not much words, before he sends anything. Call him to have short conversations, telling him that you were wanting just to hear him, to know how he was and to say "good nights". Just give him small signs to make him understand that your relation has nothing to do with his old relation, and that it works. You have to help him a lot here, Saima, because he is a little destroyed inside (I know how he feels perfectly, really). Try this first, and try to do it in nice way. You need to make him realize that you really want to be with him as his wife, and that you have no doubt. Show him how much important he is, and how much you need him. Maybe, he feels that you are too much independent for him, and he is afraid from that feeling (even if at first, he was happy with that point). You have to show him that you need him too, and you need him to be there always as someone to trust, not like someone afraid. Good luck, Saima. I hope you can solve this small trouble and make a happy family for the rest of your life. All the best, Patricia ------------- No God wants the killing, but the peace. The weapons are carried by people, not by religions. |
Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 06 October 2009 at 1:17pm
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Asaalam Alaikum, All relationships as you know area growing experience. No two people are necessarily 'perfect' for each other. But as you know, it is hard to hide one's weaknesses from a spouse. Very hard. 1. Be kind and patient. He is actually making himself vulnerable.. showing his weaknesses. REally you can take advantage of it and use it. Or not. 2. Continue to talk to him about the 'what ifs' about the relationship. Its about how we handle things in moments of stress or in methods of communication. Most people do not have great communication skills. 3. He may be thinking "I found this really good woman and I am afraid to lose her." It will just take some time to show him that you are not like his ex. 4. Tying on to what Patricia said, maybe make sure to initiate things. Direct them so to speak. If you are insecure, you need to feel wanted. Eventually once you are more established he may very well relax. 5. Pray. Pray to Allah to ease this, especially for this man you may marry. When you go through the 'ringer' or a bad situation you have to heal. My Duas are for you Hayfa ------------- When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi |
Posted By: martha
Date Posted: 06 October 2009 at 1:22pm
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Salaams Saima,
YOu both sound very nice and good people. When do you plan to get married?
To elaborate on what Pati said...I think it would also be a very good idea to write him a long letter. It will be different to the sms. WIth sms you can only say a few things. In a letter it will be a nice change for him and also he can keep reading it again and again. A letter is more personal .
YOu know that it is normal for him to feel insecure because of his last marriage. I think also that after your last marriage that you would have also felt the same feelings. SO you are the right person to help him through this.
BUt really, I think once you are married his insecurities will improve, but it will take time for him to forget the past even after marriage.
YOu can also maybe send him a homemade card of affection. He can keep that near to him. It is a bit like a child that needs a teddy bear. If he has something from you close to him then he will feel better. I hope this helps you:) ------------- some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set |
Posted By: saima100
Date Posted: 08 October 2009 at 11:03am
| Thanks for all the replies.We plan to get married after 4 months.Whatever you all have written i have always done.But one thing which im doing is a bit harmful for me but i will stop it once i feel he is comfortable.I let him criticize me which he does rarely.This way there would be a balance between us.The only problem is that hopefully i will be able to stop this criticism later on.allah hafiz |
Posted By: saima100
Date Posted: 24 October 2009 at 4:51am
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Hi it is me again.In the last few weeks i have grown to know him more and more.He is somewhat secure with me but still far from normal.This total situation created extreme stress for me and i got different symptoms of depression.I myself lost 4 kg of weight and as well lost alot of sleep.A number of friends helped me here as im lucky to have some v sincere friends.
I have come to the conclusion about him is that he is open about everything practical and he is open about ideas about everything around him.But he has an excellent way of hiding his true self and feeling behind his extreme romantic talks,praising,giving gifts and jokes.It is like he wants to buy me with these things.It would have worked v well with a girl who was mentally immature and materialistic.But as im none so it is not working.I want the real him and which he is extremely frightened to expose.He is extremely uncomfortable when his above mentioned tricks are put aside.Most of the times he pretends to be romantic and pretends to praise me and be in love with me which in return gives him or me nothing.As faking does not help.Though i do encourage all his real talks and discourage his fakeness.But he due to being the eldest at his home and being at the place of his father after the father left has taken the role of people pleaser.He is always in the role of pleasing others.And he does it to such an extent that he gives no importance to any of his own true feelings.Pleasing his mother or siblings works and it helps in those cases as well where he does not need to have a long relationship like with clients etc.Similarly with friends whom he does not meet more than once a month.But when it comes to a true relationship like with a wife it does not work.As someone real care and love can not be bought by pleasing only the other person.One has to please onesself first. As he is so good at hiding his true self.He is unaware of the fact what he is doing.He says always that others moods effect him alot and if all people around him are happy he is happy as well.If they are stressed he is stressed as well.For him idea of a good conversation is when im laughing all the time.In short he in one way or the other makes me laugh even when he is extremely worried and that he is often. Only one positive thing has come out upto now and that is that he has normalized the number of sms and has redcued to 3 times daily and calling to every second day without feeling guilty. |
Posted By: saima100
Date Posted: 24 October 2009 at 4:59am
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The conclusion which i have come to is that he is not honest to himself or me.And is extremely frightened to be honest.He is extremely ashamed of his parents divorce and this is one of his biggest fears.At the same time his own divorce has led him into fearing this even more and he wants everything to be perfect.
The problems which he told with his ex wife were that 1)we never had any topic to talk on.(which can be due to the fact that he had fake conversations to make her happy) 2)she did not think anything he said was romantic(as he pretended and tried to make her happy when he himself did not want to say those things) 3)she did not like his sense of humour(he has an excellent sense of humour when is being himself but when he pretends to be humourous and entertainer it all becomes totally fake) The fact that she criticized himn immensely did not help in any way either.Now im hoping that with some time it all will become better in our case but who knows. He is extremely in controll of all his emotions and is v sure of all his abilities but extremely unsure about his own personal self.He in no way wants to show his vulnerable self by being honest to his own feelings.And at the same time his biggest problem is that WHY IS THERE NO PASSION IN ANY OF MY RELATIONSHIPS? |
Posted By: saima100
Date Posted: 24 October 2009 at 5:08am
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Now the problem is that how is there going to be any passion in any relationship or for that matter any true relationship at all when all one is doing is pretending.In this way there is extreme problem in developing attachment with a person.So he is a person who has come out of the normal problem people have.
that is 1)mostly crudest poeple show extreme jealousy,extreme anger,extreme revenge when they want to.(he has mentally grown out of those things) 2)Somewhat refined people often have conqured these extreme crude feeling but still cant give the equality to a wife and demand and get happy when she does everything for him.(he has conquered that as well,as he has no problem giving everything in everyway to another person,full rights to the last detail) 3)what he has not conquered is his fear of showing his true emotions without being crude.And if he will not be able to do that there will never be an honest relationsip.And dignosing a problem is another thing but how am i going to treat it.Can anyone give me suggestions and please do give me without delay. |
Posted By: saima100
Date Posted: 24 October 2009 at 5:24am
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The situation that his mother and his all siblings are still dependent on him emotionally does not let him think of himself.He is always in the role of father.Helping other and making others happy.So he is in 2 roles all the time.
1)defending himself if someoneelse shows any sort of unhappiness. 2)pleasing others to give them their needs. Now my problem here is that im financially independent and earn more than him.I have travelled most of the world alone and have lived and worked in a number of cultures.Worked at different levels from extreme low jobs to highest jobs.I have lived from a village in Pakistan which had no electricity,tlf or tv.And i have lived in 5 star hotels as well.This all i have not done with choice but the situation has always led to one or the other thing.Nor am i materialistic.Nor needy or clingy for soemones love.It in no way means that im not a humble person.I have friends from different cultures and different countries and really close ones due to their truthful nature.All my friends vary immensely from being v highly educated to low education.From totally independent people to girls who get beaten everyday.From extremely rich to extremely poor.From people who have 7 children to those who want none.Those who are married and those who live together without marriage.And at the same time im religious as well and believe in family values and i do want a good marriage and a family.So all my needs are already met.Secondly i have gone through some v serious problems other than my first divorce as well in my life which i cant mention in detail due to their nature.And as a result i cannot live with any sort of fakeness at all. Please do give me advice in this matter after reading in detail all what i have written. |
Posted By: Pati
Date Posted: 25 October 2009 at 12:07am
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Dear Saima100,
I feel sorry for what you are saying. It seems that your boyfriend needs to be needed by someone, and as you said in your last post, you are not that kind of person who needs someone the whole time.
But don't lose the hope, and I would suggest you to go to him directly and to tell him all that face to face, to tell him that you don't feel that he is opened with you and that's what you want.
Even, if you really want to go on with your marriage, you both can go to a couple pycologist and try to fixe that differencies.
In my opinion, no relation can works if the basis was the lie and the fakeness, because the lier cannot be lying the whole life, and in the moment he stopped you would be cheated. So now, I think you are lucky because you realised before getting married.
Just one thing: maybe God sent you to him to help him, because it's obvious that he needs help. I would suggest you to try your best to help him, without hurting yourself, of course. Maybe it can works.
See, the most important is that he is not bad, he is helping everyone, actually, the problem is that he is too much doing that. But his heart is clean, do you know how much difficult is it to find someone who puts his family on the top of everything? Really, in the current times this is such a strange thing that you should value it.
Anyway, all the best and please, be opened with him, and if you can do, talk to him face to face, look at his eyes and see the reaction he has while you tell him your thoughts.
Kind regards
Patricia ------------- No God wants the killing, but the peace. The weapons are carried by people, not by religions. |
Posted By: martha
Date Posted: 25 October 2009 at 3:38am
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Salams Saima100,
It seems you have learned a great deal over recent weeks.
Are cracks begining to show and you have doubts? It appears that way.
You say he is devoted to his family,and he is responsible for them. It is good he looks after them.
But there is more to think about than this. Try to look at it from all angles. Is he a prisoner to his family and has no freedom to choose much in life? Is he comfortable with this situation because he is unable to form a lasting relationship with a non-family member? Does he like to give the impression of being the big boss but in reality he has to do as his family say? So to compensate he controls others? It is possible that his 1st wife could not cope with this? I could also be completely wrong so forgive me for suggesting something I cannot possibly know about him. Only you can judge.
You are a well travelled woman, you understand the world. Maybe he does not or cannot or want to see the same as you, because he has life circumstances and limitations?
I am sure that he is comfortable with his condition. He obeys his family because 1. he likes to please them 2. because he is not strong enough to decide for himself?
You must decide what you want here. He may be a thoroughly good and decent man. BUt is this enough? You have already said he is fake in his answers to you. That will give you cause not to trust him. That is not good in a marriage as Pati has also said. Do you think he will change after marriage? Think carefully about that. People only accept help if they want to be helped. Are you that person? Do you want to risk your happiness to save another? You have had your own share of sadness in life. Maybe you tried to help your previous husband and for all your good intentions it went wrong for you.
He will bring baggage into the marriage. Are you strong enough to accept anything that his family may ask of him? It could involve a co-wife. Do you want that? You will not be given a choice on many things..you will probably not be his first responsibility. And would he be truthful with you on such issues?
You have all this and more to consider.
Sister, I am not here to disuade or persuade you of anything. I hope you listen to my advice in the manner it is given..as concern and love for a sister in Islam.
All the very best
Martha ------------- some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set |
Posted By: Sunshine Khan
Date Posted: 30 October 2009 at 10:57am
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hi Saima,
salaam aly kum
your story is quiet interesting.But i guess its not a matter of real concern at present.If he shows gr8 care, love and good concern for u ,enjoy these moments.The most important thing is that he should continue love and care even after marriage.Wheather he'll be able to trust u or no will mostly depend on how much concern u show him after marriage, for example taking care of his small things,his important events , respecting his choice, letting him know how u give priority to his prefrences etc. I dont mean , ignoring your likes and dislikes but to begin with convince him that he is important to u as much as u r important to him.
Inshallah , both of u will find love n happiness in your new relationship - Ameen!
|
Posted By: saima100
Date Posted: 08 November 2009 at 9:43am
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Thanks for the replies everyone.The fact that we both are divorced is a very stressing factor for both of us.I have discussed this problem with some people whom i consider close to me and whom i consider wise.All of them have come to the same conclusion that there is nothing wrong with him but it is you who are stressing unnecessary.And according to everyone 3 months is a v short time to judge another person.And according to everyone i should trust Allah and hope for the best.And if there is something wrong with him Allah will give me the courage to cope with it or give me the courage to leave him.I went to a psychologist even she said the same.
Im though quite confused.I really dont want to take a risk but i guess i will have to take this risk.Though he is somewhat better now but all the time extremely at guard.According to everyone i have discussed this .all this will change with time.But this is exactly what everyone told me in my previous marriage as well.It seems like everyone is saying the same sentences.May Allah make you happy.All will help you and wont let anything bad happen to you.Alot of prayers are with you.Allah is not that unfair etc etc.I personally am afraid that he has some psychological problem and is unable to come close to anyone.That too according to people around me is my own fantasy.I know that im stressed but i feel that what i think of him is also not wrong. |
Posted By: saima100
Date Posted: 11 November 2009 at 7:11am
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It is me again.Finally i found atleast 3 people who agree to me that this can be a problem.One of them is my brother who himself has had this problem.He says that mostly extremely nice people have this problem of pleasing other to some extent but he is on the extreme.My brother himself has read a number of books on this topic and he gave me a book to read which i have read.
The problem with such people is that they find it impossible to be honest and show their true feeling out of the fear of rejection.And as a result either they get acquantances with people who are extremely users or people reject them.This sort of a person is addicted to care giving as that is the only thing which he thinks can give him respect in his own anothers eyes.Such people fall into different addictions and generally have more than one addiction.All the signs and symptoms of such a person are of an addict.Such a person never gives any real care or emotion to another person out of the fear of rejection but pleases and pleases and tries to get all the feelings from the other person.Person living with suc h a person feels he/she is getting nothing and is only and only giving and feels used.Though as this caregiving addict is a pleaser there is nothing to complain about either.Such a persons feelings go with feelings of others.As their self worth is exactly what others feel at that v moment.(he himself has told me this that his feelings go with others feelings).In a way it is a selfish relationship where the person who is a people pleaser keeps on getting true emotions from others in return of his manipulation.As his motive behind manipulation is good and as he himself does not know what he is doing.Noone is able to complain around him as he never gives a reason.And as this caregiving addicts self worth is extremely low no care or love can find his emptiness.It is like trying to fill a glass with no bottom.And such people were described as impossible to be emotionally intimate with others.The only thing that gives somewhat relief to both in such a relationship is some physical distance.(exactly like his ex used to do she went on vacations alone with others).More this person lives close to another person more unbearable it is for both.And this person himself as well is in extreme pain all the time and inflicts equal pain to the person involved. Such an insecure person is a person who has at a younger age not been able to trust one of the close people to him.(in his case his father)More such people have suppressed their true feelings in problems more this sort of personality they developed.More they have taken care of others around them and tried to make them happy in some way more severe problems arise later on. All this i felt even before i read this book but now atleast i know that im not crazy. Though now the practical situation is that wedding dresses are ready.Week of marriage is already decided.And everyone who knows that im getting married and it is going to be a matter of great courage to go from him as it is going to give me a v bad repute.As im already divorced.Anyway im going to talk to him about this and have gotton an appointment at a psychologist to understand if this is totally curable or not.And will see what i can do.The only problem is that how do i relax myself. This is actually the biggest shock of my life as all my life i have believed that only if i find a nice person all will be well.May Allah help me. |
Posted By: saima100
Date Posted: 15 November 2009 at 8:12am
| know what im going to write is going to seem extremely strange.But i did talk to him quite in detail and i said that i want the real you not your expensive gifts,your romantic talks behind which you are hiding.To this his answer was''i dont know who i am and i dont want to know'' I said why dont you want to know and to this his answer was''what if what is hiding behind is gay''I said are you.To this he said ''look im a muslim and all this is wrong in islam but he also said that i dont get attracted to movie actresses.And i said what about actors and he started to laugh at this.Previously he told me in his first meetings with me that dont take it wrong it all started just in a fun but now we just continue it.I have a male friend who is really close to me and we give messages to each other and like each others company alot.We often hold hands as well.And generally boys dont do this in european cultures and this is thought to be very wrong.i said then why do you do this.He said it is just become a habit now.That friend also got divorced and got married just recently.I dont know what is true but all i know is that he is quite confused about this.And after talking about all this i thought he would not talk to me anymore or dislike me but what he said surprised me even more.He said that the both times we both talked about being honest has brought him v close to me and he felt these were really good conversations.And i felt as well that both these times when we discussed all these topics he was relaxed for the first time completely.And he likes me more now after these discussion of being honest.Now my fantacy is going really wild and i feel that either im crazy or he is. |
Posted By: saima100
Date Posted: 16 November 2009 at 9:34am
| Any suggestions or comments? |
Posted By: Pati
Date Posted: 16 November 2009 at 10:39pm
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Dear Saima, I think that the only person who can help you both is a psycologist. I know that homosexuality is not allowed in Islam, so in case that is his problem, none from your environment will be able to help you (I think). Maybe he is just afraid from women after his failed marriage, or maybe he is really gay (sorry, but that exists, and unfortunately the quantity of them has raised too much in Western countries). He started being open with you, but what he told you is an advise for future, dear: if he is really gay, your marriage most probably will not work, because he will go on looking for what he feels he needs (I hope I am not being to much harsh). I don't know when are you going to get married, but really, I think you should delay the wedding and finding the real relationship you both have and you both want. With this comment, he just started showing himself, so you have to go on knowing him as deep as you can do, and don't think that if he was not in love with you, he would fall just because he told you that he may be gay... dear, if that is the problem, in your culture, the only thing he shaw on you was the chance to be opened with you, it's only that, and when you are keeping such a secret and you find someone able to keep it with you and share the weigh, you sure wound be happy to do. I am scared from this comment, that may not have importance, or may change your life, Saima, and as I started this answer, I don't think we can help you here, we can tell you what we think we would do, but he is confused with something very important and I think you cannot help on that, he should discover himself his real feelings and his real needs. All the best, Patricia ------------- No God wants the killing, but the peace. The weapons are carried by people, not by religions. |
Posted By: martha
Date Posted: 17 November 2009 at 3:16am
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Salams Sister
In your words you said 'In a way it is a selfish relationship where the person who is a people pleaser keeps on getting true emotions from others in return of his manipulation.As his motive behind manipulation is good and as he himself does not know what he is doing.Noone is able to complain around him as he never gives a reason.And as this caregiving addicts self worth is extremely low no care or love can find his emptiness.It is like trying to fill a glass with no bottom.And such people were described as impossible to be emotionally intimate with others.The only thing that gives somewhat relief to both in such a relationship is some physical distance.(exactly like his ex used to do she went on vacations alone with others).More this person lives close to another person more unbearable it is for both.And this person himself as well is in extreme pain all the time and inflicts equal pain to the person involved. Such an insecure person is a person who has at a younger age not been able to trust one of the close people to him.(in his case his father)More such people have suppressed their true feelings in problems more this sort of personality they developed.More they have taken care of others around them and tried to make them happy in some way more severe problems arise later on. ' Sister, look at this link. Perhaps it will help you. As you already have read some books you might be able to relate to this. In no way am I trying to suggest anything here, but as Pati suggested, I really think you should investigate this further to ease your mind or help you make a decision. http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/personality-disorders/DS00562 You can also look into a problem called anti-social personality disorder. This can start at an early age. But do some research as it might help. Also re-read my earlier posts. Perhaps they make more sense now? ------------- some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set |
Posted By: saima100
Date Posted: 18 November 2009 at 3:28am
| Thanks for you answers.The problem here is that he himself is either unsure or he knows and wants to get married as he himself has extreme wish to have children.Either way im at loss as if he knows he is gay there never will be a proper marriage and if he is unsure then he could end either way.And i doubt he is unsure at 33 after 4 years of marriage.And secondly i just read my post which is dificient.What i forgot to write was that when i asked him again ''are you gay''to this qs he did not say no once.He said twice''i already told you''And he also referred in answer to his same friend whom he had mentioned as something really harmless in the past.He said''i told you about my friend x''To this i said but you said he is just a friend.To this he said''what sort of boys give each other messages''i said i dont know maybe they do.And to this he said''we do it even in resaturants and in public places''And after this conversation of his we have talked twice and both times he was relaxed and did not have the need to please me either.He is acting totally normal where he is telling his likes and dislikes without thinking that i would be unhappy with him.And reason is obvious he has nothing to hide anymore.I remember that in his first conversations he said that he wanted to marry someone who was divorced and not a very young woman either.I said that this is so unusuall.Why is it so.To this his answer was that i want a mature woman who has seen problems of life and can understand that life is not all fun.This i liked alot about him and thought he is quite mature.But now i understand that the reason behind marrying a divorced woman and one who i older like me is that then she wont have the possibility to leave him.And he assured before saying yes to me that i immediately wanted kids after marriage.As he said ''then women stop thinking about husband and his faults''This too i took quite in another sense at the time.I though he was insecure.Now it all fits.He wanted a woman who was divorced and could not have the courage to take a divorce the second time.Who due to her old age could not leave him.Who due to children could not leave him.So he assured a person who had no choice due to her divorce,her old age and due to the fact that she soon got children.And if she ever did find out after a few years that he was gay she could not do anything about it.I am at the moment still talking with him.But i have told some in my family and i already have come to a decision.Im not going to marry him.But all i can say is that this is the shock of my life.All life i have believed that if i get a nice person everything will be perfect and there would be no problems.I could never imagine that i could get into such a situation.I have always thought i am quite wise and people cannot deceive me.And i felt whatever he said was true as what he said was true but reasons behind were totally different.After this i feel i should try marrying someone with obvious faults.Pray for me.thanks again for the answers. |
Posted By: Pati
Date Posted: 18 November 2009 at 10:33pm
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Dear Saima, Please, don't blame yourself now, you have to be strong and to go ahead with your life. I know that this situation is not usual in Muslim culture, but it's not the first time I heard something similar in Spain, or opposite, women who are lesbian and get married just to hide it. It's just another danger in the current life while finding someone to share your life. But, dear, you have to be happy and give thanks to God / Allah, because He sent you a sign before it was too late, He gave you the chance to take a decision with knowledge, and you already took it (I think). So please, in such a way, you have to be grateful and happy because first of all, you met someone who helped you to know more things about yourself, and secondly, he was not bad person, just having a problem, and maybe you can go on with the contact and you can help him in the future, because it's obvious that in the moment you'll tell him that you are not going to marry him, it will be a problem for him so... you will have to be there. But after all, I feel that you will re-start your life soon. If you want my suggestion for the next time, let the man talk first without interrupting and make your idea. There are lot of men divorced after the 30s, and it sounds so strange... I would be careful, but don't have any doubt that Allah will send you a friend, a husband, a father and a life partner sooner or later, just wait for the right one  All the best Patricia ------------- No God wants the killing, but the peace. The weapons are carried by people, not by religions. |
Posted By: martha
Date Posted: 19 November 2009 at 6:04am
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Salams Saima,
I hope you feel relaxed now you have made your decision. It was wise to tell some family members as they will have met him and know more about him than us here. But you will move on from here and Allah knows best and will find you a good husband when it is the right time. Remember that sometimes we experience some negative things in life to then make the way possible for the positive. And when of course Allah finds that special someone for you we ALL want to hear about it. All the very best.:) xx ------------- some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set |
Posted By: saima100
Date Posted: 19 November 2009 at 8:33am
| Thanks for your answer.All i can say is that i dont feel guilty nor do i feel sad.I only feel relieved as if he had not said this himself i would have always wondered what is wrong between us.But i pity him and i feel very very sorry or him.I start crying when i think of his situation.I have never seen someone is so much pain and someone who hates himself so much.Never have i seen anyone in so much self disgust and never have i seen anyone who has not been able to accept himself to this extent.He is perfectionist to the level which is unbelievable.He is so hard towards his own self that one can only feel pity for such a person.He is willing to do literally anything to have someone in his life and to have children.I remember him saying ''inshallah'' atleast twice in every sentence and saying again and again that Allah cant be so cruel.Everything is going to be ok for us in future. It all reminds me of so many others around me who are in my family or friends.How mean at heart they are and still they have everything.I really dont understand how could God be so unfair to him.Why doesnt he help him.I dont think he would contact me after i leave him.As his ex wife tried to remain in touch with him but he didnt want her to contact him atall.But she at times still does send him sms to support him.May God give me strength to hurt this person. |
Posted By: Pati
Date Posted: 20 November 2009 at 5:32pm
God knows the best, and knows what we need, but sometimes, we are not able to understand him. If I were you, I would try to point the situation at men, not at God. God didn't do anything, it was your boyfriend who did everythin, who cheated his ex-wife and tried to cheat you, because he is not confused but hiding himself. Is God guilty for that? Sorry, but I cannot see God in that story you have been explaining to us. I can see human feelings, human sins, and I can say that this things happens daily in this world, but... where is God?
If we were thinking about God in every moment of this life, and about what He told us to do or to avoid, and we followed His teachings (doesn't matter which religion), this World would be almost perfect. The problem is that we are so far away from God, even if we read Qu'ran or Bible, we are not able to understand, even if we prayed daily thousand times, we don't feel it, we just do it. We don't feel God, we are so selfish...
So please, don't blame God like if He did anything bad to your boyfriend. I am sure that God tried to help him thousand times, and actually I am sure that you came to his life as a chance for him, but obviously he didn't understand the message.
Regards
Patricia ------------- No God wants the killing, but the peace. The weapons are carried by people, not by religions. |
saima100 wrote:Posted By: martha
Date Posted: 21 November 2009 at 2:33am
Yes Pati, you are exactly right. As humans we blame everyone for our faults including Allah sometimes. Saima's boyfriend has become so wrapped up in his self doubts that he also tries to bring others down to his level perhaps, to ease his feelings of shame and desperation. We can only hope and pray that he puts complete trust in Allah to enable him to seek help from the right people instead of expecting others to make his life right for him. It is sad and I am sure we have all seen people like him. Saima, you are not alone with feeling the way you do. People come into our life so we learn. Do not try to hate him, just feel sadness for him but now move on. DO not be like his ex-wife who still tries to assist him. Until he looks into his own heart without making excuses no-one can help him. In no way are you to blame. Try to remember that. ------------- some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set |
Posted By: fais
Date Posted: 22 November 2009 at 12:29am
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Salam, sorry if someone has read my post,i dint know the story and didnt know that you have decided to quit,i m sorry for my last post,may you both get the best in this world and hereafter.
i have removed my last post as i dint read the whole story
Regards
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Posted By: saima100
Date Posted: 23 November 2009 at 8:56am
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Asslam o alaikum its me again.I know what i wrote was in extreme tension and was wrong.Sorry for that.
What im thinking nowadays is that i will ring his eks wife and also discuss again all this in detail with him.What im thinking is that if he is not engaged in any sort of practical wrong thing then im going to marry him.As anyway mostly husbands are not nice in one or the other way and he atleast is a nice person.But if i find he is practicing gay then i will leave him.I seriously doubt he is practicing as he inspite of living in european country fasts regularly and i have always heard him talk like a really religious person. |
Posted By: fais
Date Posted: 23 November 2009 at 10:00pm
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Salam, Sister saima, may allah guide you in this difficult time,i know its hard for a woman to choose a second man in his life,let me tell you few things,
hope this helpes,just keep praying istekhara every night insha allah will help you.last thing can u tell me which culture you originally belong to and him also. if you need any help like an opinion of a man or how we men think,just feel free to send me the question,i will try my best.
recite
11 times durusharif
11 times Ya badi ul ajaibi. bil khairi ya badiu.
11 times durusharif
Sister i need your dua too,just pray that i a get very good wife in my life who will fill my life with happiness.
Regards
faisal
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Posted By: martha
Date Posted: 24 November 2009 at 1:53am
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Salams Sister,
You have to decide what is best for you. But please be careful. I am not convinced you would be right to contact his ex-wife. I do not think to start with she would want to discuss this matter with you. BUt you have to act on how you feel, so I am just giving you my opinion. You have already experienced difficulties with this man BEFORE marriage. It is not a good way to start a marriage. I am wondering, are your family pressing you to marry him? Or is it because you think you can change him? Or is he putting pressure on you? Only you can judge your circumstances. BUt let us know how things go. ------------- some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set |
Posted By: fais
Date Posted: 24 November 2009 at 5:44am
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Salam, Martha you are correct,she should think 100 times before getting into this,because if she wants to help him she will be rewarded by allah but if in the middle of the way she changed her mind than it will destroy him more,so saima needs to ask her herself why she is doing this,and weather she is prepared and able to take this step.
may allah guide saima in this diffcult time.
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Posted By: saima100
Date Posted: 26 November 2009 at 2:53pm
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Its me again.I talked to him in detail a few days ago and i told him that his behaviour towards me was a bit strange to this he said nothing.He called me yesterday and said to me that this is v difficult for me to say but i feel we are not getting close to each other with time but are getting furthur from each other time.To this he also said that this reminded him of his eks as they too had problem like we are having.I said that i felt the same.Then we had a long discussion.To this i told him whatever i thought and then i talked to him about his saying to me that he was gay.To this he never said firmly that he was not but said that he was joking once.After that i said anyway even if that is not the reason i dont feel that we get any close and you dont anyone let get close to you.As we talked about 3 hrs.It was a long discussion.During this entire conversation he seemed v hurt.But when we were discussing being close emotionally he said again that ''im not even that close to my friend x''and it was the same friend whom he had mentioned earlier.I said to him yesterday that we should talk for a few weeks and see how the outcome will be.To this he said i dont think it will work.Anyway we talked today and this time he himself said that he did not want to continue as he did not want to live with someone whom he did not feel close to.As he had experienced this 4 years with his eks wife.And this time he as well said that ''maybe being happy is the most important thing in life and children are secondary to it''I could not disagree alot with him.All i said was that i knew he was a nice person and to this he said that he hated when someone said this.As his ekswife said exaclty the same but never loved him.We talked again for about 2 hrs today and we discussed everything and if there was a way out of this problem.To this he said that he found none.I said i was willing to ask his eks wife what the problem was and maybe we could discuss it.To this he said no way if you dont trust me then there is no need.And when our conversation ended he again brought up himself the name of his same friend and said that ''what i said about x was just a joke''
I dont know what is right or wrong as i felt he was very upset and genuinely hurt.Maybe he is a person who is not able to get attached to others or maybe he is gay.As he himself said this.Anyway now it is over. And now i have to deal with a thousand qs from everyone around me that what sort of a girl cannot compromise with anyone. But i feel i really dont care if i ever get married as if it is not meant to be then i should not fight with my destiny.I should accept it and be happy with what i have.Though i will not say no to anyone who would want to marry me. |
Posted By: Pati
Date Posted: 28 November 2009 at 2:30pm
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Dear Saima, I am sorry for the situation you are going through, but at the same time, I think that now you will breath again.
Your last posts in this forum were showing so much pain and extress, that it seemed to be a crazy situation. I cannot imagine how much time did you spend thinking about a solution for your situation.
Regarding the others opinion about what happened, don't think about it. If someone is asking you and you want to answer, follow your feelings and aswer, but if you don't feel you want to, just avoid to give any answer saying that that's the life and you were not made to be together.
But the most important now, you have to take care about yourself and recover from what happened to you. You have to get stronger, and learn from this situation. Maybe you have too much selfconfidence and you must wait until knowing someone deeply for next time (that I am sure there will be a next time).
But don't spoil your life, don't marry the first man who may ask you to do. It's enough difficult to keep on a good relation with someone you love to, and you know... do you think that taking that risk is worthy? Do you think that the aim of every person is to get married and children? I don't think so, sorry. What I am sure is that the aim of everyone's life should be to help each other.
I wish you all the best. Take care
Patricia ------------- No God wants the killing, but the peace. The weapons are carried by people, not by religions. |
Posted By: Fariha Jannat
Date Posted: 18 November 2013 at 2:09am
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Salam Brother Faisal,
You have written the dua - Ya badi ul ajaibi. bil khairi ya badiu.But I have found in 2 books that the dua is Ya badial not Ya badiul. Can you please clarify me that is it Ya badial or Ya badiul? And please keep me in your prayer. Thank You Fariha |