Assalamu alaikum Sister J.R.

Ya Allah!  Sister I feel so bad for you!  You are surely being tried.  I don't know what advice to give to you but I want you to know that I will pray for you.

Try to keep in mind that the life of this world is a prison for the believers.  You are certainly backed into a corner.  Is there anyone who can help you?  Someone at your masjid?  Perhaps you need to sit down and have a real long, sincere and firm talk with your husband.  Try to determine his plans.

Perhaps you should be firm in letting him know that this behavior of his is not acceptable at all.  Go over with him what kind of behavior is expected from a Muslim husband..  I don't know...I just feel so bad for you.

Try to be firm.  Try hard to stay steady in your faith.  Your world probably seems to be caving in on you right now - remember:

"So, Verily, with every difficulty there is relief: 94:5,  Verily, with every difficulty there is relief."  94:6

Peace, ummziba.

Auzubillahi minash shaitan ir rajeem,

Bismillah ir rahman ir rahim,

Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullah

Dear sister J.R. ,

It would really be very hurtful for you to endure such circumstances. may allah give you patience and courage, insha allah, ameen.

When two non-mehram from opposite gender are alone, it is said that the third between them is shaitan. He wispers to them ideas which are unlawful - this is what happend to your husband, because he continues to talk to this woman, and then had met her.

It is likely that when you join him and the two of you start a life together, the influence of this other woman fades out. On the contrary it is also possible that it always remains there. All will depend on the type of relationship the two of you share.

We dont know what future holds for us, but given the present situation, you should give your marriage a try, - give your husband a chance to become a good husband. He wants to be honest with you, which is a good start. You can incourage him to be islamic, practicing muslim. The presence and influence of deen in a household brings all the barakah and rahmah insha allah.

May allah guide you both, and deliver you to marital bliss insha allah, ameen.

Maa salaama,

Nausheen

Wassalam, 

[Edited by Moderator]

 The betrayal I feel is cutting me like a knife.


Allah hafiz,
J.R.

Note: Detailed content of unislamic acts should not be posted on this forum.

Thank you. Nausheen

Assalamu Alaikum

Sister J.R., I am literally sitting her in tears over what you have told us.  I, some day, want to have a pious Muslim husband and stories like yours make me very frightened of that prospect.  I cannot give you any advice regarding whether you should stay with him or leave him before you get even more hurt; however, I would suggest that you consider one thing.  Please think really hard before deciding to bring a child into this marriage.  If at some point you decide to leave, it will be far easier to start over without the ties to him having a child would entail.  And please, do not have the misconception that having a child with him will make him become a pious man.  Nothing external, even a child, can make someone pious.  That is a condition of the heart and a relationship that only Allah can make happen. 

I will surely keep you in my prayers J.R.  Inshallah you will make the right decision.  If you have an Imam in your community, I strongly suggest that you seek his advice if things do not get better for you soon.

Jazak Allah

PAZ, Khadija

J.R. wrote: Also.... I asked him to give me her phone number since he refuses to end their "friendship" even though I demanded it, saying that I have every right to demand that being his wife and considering what he did with her. I don't blame her, she doesn't know he's married to me. Well he won't give me her number upon me asking for it for over two hours on the phone. J.R.

Just because you are the wife, your husband does not have to hand over the number or end the friendship whether you ask politely or demand it.

Your husband can have any friends he chooses, like you can have any friends you chose. We all need friends from both sides.

I can see why he probably won't give you the number, I know women they say more than 'I'm married' to the other woman, they can't leave it at that and then walk away. Not that I'm saying this is you, I don't know you.

And why is it important for you to have this girls phone number?

If what I'm hearing from you is truth, then your husband is being truthful and honest and not betraying you. He chose you to marry didn't he ?

{I mean no offence here} I know you believe this being muslim that when a man and woman are alone in a room there's a third, shatan but honestly and truthful it is not true, I myself have been alone with men and married men alone in a room and nothing happen, no sexual contact/lust, no petting, no kissing.

So what islam says here is not truth, for me anyway, from experience.   

So if you honestly believe your husband is being honest in what he is telling, (forgetting about his past) then he has not betrayed you. Holding eaching other or touching hair/skin is not betraying nor his he lying. And if he is not telling the whole truth, then he still hasn't lied.

Angel wrote: Holding eaching other or touching hair/skin is not betraying nor his he lying. And if he is not telling the whole truth, then he still hasn't lied.

Good grief Angel!  Even for a non-Muslim, this would be just plain wrong when the man is MARRIED!  Married men of any faith should not be touching other women. 

Telling J.R. that Islam is wrong about this is neither helpful nor even wise.  You (and every one else) are entitled to your opinions, but it is not wise to counsel someone to reject the teachings of their faith just because you don't personally find a particular teaching true for yourself.

I know you are trying to be helpful (as you often are), and I don't mean to be disrepectful to you in any way, I just think it plain wrong to counsel someone to disregard their basic beliefs.

And Allah knows best.

Peace, ummziba.

Assalamu alaikum,

J.R., you are the only one who can utimately make up your mind about what to do.  Think long and hard and get as much advice as you can.  I am begining to agree with Sister Jenni - the lies just keep being uncovered.  It has been my experience that a person like this will just keep on doing what ever is good for him. 

Think hard about yourself and your future - but please, don't be hasty.  (And for sure don't let yourself get pregnant while this is all going on!, as Sister Khadija wisely advised!)   If you have a job and can support yourself this makes things a little easier.  If not, maybe someone can give you some advice on that.

Peace, ummziba.

Assalamu alaikum,

Insallah things will become better for you soon.  Please take the advice from Jenni & Ummziba, be vary cautious in continuing the marriage and a child will not solve anything. 

A married man has no reason to be socializing with women other than what is absolutly required of him for work.  You have the right as his wife to tell him to cut all relationships/friendships with women, but I would question why he doesn't do it freely? 

Lehua.

Bismillah,

J.R., What help do you need to get out of this very difficult situation?  Because you need to.  Also, in this unbelievably difficult time, remember that our Lord is Loving and loves you.  You deserve a faithful husband, and a good muslim husband.  ISA, you will be strong and seek guidance from Allah, SWT.

Angel, Your remarks are completely out of line.  You are not muslim.  J.R. is seeking advise from Muslimahs on a Muslim site. 

Yes, the devil is the third.  I'm glad for you that you did not listen in the situations you mentioned. Just because the devil is there does not mean that people can't ignore him. 

The devil is the source of evil and darkness who tries to get people to despair and do evil things that will ruin their lives.  Goodness and virtue should always be strived for, and God bless anyone who suceeds against the evil in this world.

ummziba wrote: I just think it plain wrong to counsel someone to disregard their basic beliefs.

I never did such a thing!

I stated a few facts! and from my experience and I never suggested to disregard her beliefs!!

Let's concentrate on one things here, the lying and betrayal.

Jenni, you say that your husband confessed everything to you about his past and even now he is telling you about his actions and whereabouts, granted he may not tell you beforehand but I don't know you haven't said anything, but he is certainly telling you afterwards, right? Despite your husband being alone with this girl, your husband says there is nothing going on now nor has there been since you both been married, is that right?  

I get the feeling from your posts that he has been upfront and honest with you (unless there is somethign you haven't revealed) am I right?

So I want to know is how is this lying and betraying you ?

Angel wrote: J.R. wrote: Also.... I asked him to give me her phone number since he refuses to end their "friendship" even though I demanded it, saying that I have every right to demand that being his wife and considering what he did with her. I don't blame her, she doesn't know he's married to me. Well he won't give me her number upon me asking for it for over two hours on the phone. J.R. Just because you are the wife, your husband does not have to hand over the number or end the friendship whether you ask politely or demand it. Your husband can have any friends he chooses, like you can have any friends you chose. We all need friends from both sides. I can see why he probably won't give you the number, I know women they say more than 'I'm married' to the other woman, they can't leave it at that and then walk away. Not that I'm saying this is you, I don't know you. And why is it important for you to have this girls phone number? If what I'm hearing from you is truth, then your husband is being truthful and honest and not betraying you. He chose you to marry didn't he ? {I mean no offence here} I know you believe this being muslim that when a man and woman are alone in a room there's a third, shatan but honestly and truthful it is not true, I myself have been alone with men and married men alone in a room and nothing happen, no sexual contact/lust, no petting, no kissing. So what islam says here is not truth, for me anyway, from experience.    So if you honestly believe your husband is being honest in what he is telling, (forgetting about his past) then he has not betrayed you. Holding eaching other or touching hair/skin is not betraying nor his he lying. And if he is not telling the whole truth, then he still hasn't lied.

Angel,

Evidently you are not married and I would gather that you still live at home. Here goes, yes it is wrong for him to lay on the bed with another woman when he is COMMITTED to another. That is a BETRAYAL in itself.  When you are married you do not LIE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN and hug, pet, and hold hands. If he is married he needs not be on a bed with ANOTHER woman in any way, shape or form. That is not ok, nor will it ever be ok.

When you were alone with these "other men" was it laying on a bed? Holding hands and petting on this bed? I would gather not! And if he admits he still has feelings for this other woman then THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG! We are not children! He is an adult and needs to act like one. And if he wants to keep this woman as a "friend" then I say J.R. not allow him back into her life until he is ready to be a MAN and be COMMITTED! If she says this is ok that they are friends and allowed to lie in a bed, facing eachother and pet on eachother but did not "do" anything then that is just plain STUPID and he will cheat on her. She needs to stand up for herself and her marriage and not put up with this at all!

J.R. I say get a Louisville Slugger and go to where he is.........

Lameese

It's up to jenni how she wants to deal with her relationship not us.

Lameese, I'm not stupidly naive/ignorant of somethings! I know where right and wrong is, granted for me the line goes a little furthur than mosts women, but not to point of stepping over the boundary!

And anyway its got nothing to do with anybody else than the people involved.

Again Lameese "Evidently you are not married and I would gather that you still live at home."

LOL! whether I am or not, its got nothing do with anything.

Angel wrote: Again Lameese "Evidently you are not married and I would gather that you still live at home." LOL! whether I am or not, its got nothing do with anything.

I would say it has a lot to do with the way you think at this stage in your life.

Lameese

Angel,

I do not know where you are from and with all due respect I really don't care.  You have to understand that in Islam, it is inappropriate for a man and women (if they are not married to eachother) to be alone or  intimate.  This is not only limited to sexual relations, it includes holding hands, laying in a bed, playing with ones hair, hugging and in some instances talking.  You have made it obvious that these types of behaviors are fine for you, but you have to respect that it is not permitted for Muslims and you need to answer accordingly.  To do otherwise is to advise a person to go against thier beliefs.

J.R. please stay strong, you truly have a hard test.  Please do not forget that everything happens for reason (that we are unable to see or even comprehend) and that Allah(SWT) would not bestow such a trail on you if He did not know you could handle it. 

Lehua

Lameese, you do not know where I am at in my life.

Lehua, you do not need to tell me about islam.

I'm not going to defend myself.

You don't accept what I brought across, fine don't accept it I'm not asking you too.

And once again I never suggested that anyone go against what you believe in! 

We all have different levels of what is and isn't, what is acceptable and not acceptable, and I also have learnt that goes for muslims to. 

J.R, I wish you all the best for the future, hope things work out  

Bismillah,

J.R., I agree with Jenni's last post.  If you need to and are able to end it, use your own words that you are comfortable with. 

I know it's really, really hard to be betrayed and alone and not have quite enough money to live on.  The local mosques usually distribute charity either one time or on a monthly basis to supplement your income.  It's hard to ask especially if you are sent from one person to another, but please try.

You deserve better.  It's good to have a man, but not a disloyal one.  He could give you diseases!

He needs to fast and pray to become a better muslim.  If he is doing those things, he needs to do them more.  Fasting keeps us away from haram things.  Praying does too, and it reminds us of Allah, the Most Glorious, the Punisher.

J.R. wrote: Assalamu Alaikum, Why did I marry him? Well, he did make me fall in love with him. I had discussed marriage with a few other Muslim men but once I told them of my disability they were no longer interested. But my husband never let it bother him and I do believe my disability is not why he's acting this way. He was always gentle and very affectionate with me, that's why this is hurting the way it does. I thought he was different.  I'm the stronger one. I never EVER would allow a man to come into my bedroom and cuddle with me and let him put his fingers though my hair and I doubt he'd forgive me if I had done this. J.R.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I do not think your disability is why he is doing this. But I do think that maybe he used your disability to make you love him. And in some way I think he uses your disability to act the way he does. To need someone is a very powerful thing and he knows you need him because you love him and because you are legally blind and because you are now married to him.

I agree with Jenni, you need to leave him now. The longer he thinks you are thinking about this the more he is going to "play" with this other woman. The more time you give him, he thinks that you are going let him get away with anything. Also, he is telling you that he does not think he loves you as much as he did when he first married you. Please, save your self respect and at least tell him this is not acceptable and that you are going to the masjid to ask for a divorce from him for his unacceptable Islamic behavior. Maybe he will come to his senses then and realize that he has a WIFE. He has already committed adultry by laying with this woman and refusing to tell her that he has a wife. And I do not believe that all he did, while laying on a bed with her was play with her hair. I have been where you are now. I was engaged to be married and the man I was engaged to and in love with was cheating on me with another woman. His cousin called to tell me. Of course he denied everything, until she got pregnant. When I left him, he came to my fathers house and begged my father to force me to marry him. You need to ask him if he has committed "zina" with this other woman and he needs to tell you the truth.

And you are right. If you had done what he is doing now, he would divorce you so fast that your head would spin. Jenni is right, you need to get on food stamps and welfare and you need to apply for disability and your Doctor can write something for you to show the disability board just how disabled you are. It is time to take care of yourself.

I am so sorry J.R. and I am sorry if my post hurts you in any way.

Lameese

J.R.

Salam, I 'm sorry for your situation, do you have children? That would

change everything. You mentioned that you wear hijab and I know it

must be hard as a westener with your family not supporting you while

you are muslim and then to have a husband causing you to seriously

question his character at this moment, but I urge you to be strong

in your faith regardless of others misbehavior, be smart.

Salam Dear Sister(JR)

LEAVE HIM!!!!!! listen to me, he is sick. Insha�llah you will get a better husband. If you don't have children -LEAVE before you get pregnant,,, I'm telling you this guy is far from being a muslim husband...

Salaams,

I am very upset reading this thread, I can only pray for you and may Allah (swt) guide to the right decision.

But, I do agree with ummsaleh

Dear J.R

Think very carefully BEFORE you meet him again. By his conduct so far it doesn't seem like he is a practicing muslim:

1. he has been far too intimate and free with a woman outside of marraige
2. he has lied (by omission) to her
3. he has continued his relationship while he has been married to you (adultery)
4. he has deliberately hurt you by continuing the immoral behavior, almost flaunting it in a way 
5. you admitted that he would not have been as forgiving of you if the situation had been reversed

why dear sister do you want to stay with this "non-muslim" and jeopardize your faith and your self-esteem further?

J.R. 

I'm not going to advise you one way or another, but I will give you this advice.  If you can, take out a Visa Card before you leave.  Keep it clean and active.  Take your American Passport and Papers and lock them where he cannot get them when you get there, preferrably with the Visa.  I used to work in a domestic violence shelter and the worst victims were women who had been cutoff from any escape route.  I'm concerned about you being blind in a foreign country with no family to fall back on.  Learn your way to the American Consultate and don't be afraid to run.  From what I understand this man is simply unfaithful, but you don't seem to really know him all that well.  Just protect yourself with an escape plan.  You many never need it, and hopefully, it will never come to that.  But, its better to have it and not need it, than to need it and not have it.  If you cannot get a Visa Card, try to get some cash that you can throw in a Safe Deposit Box or something.  And, I'll keep you in my prayers too. 

Angie

Angela wrote: J.R.  I'm not going to advise you one way or another, but I will give you this advice.  If you can, take out a Visa Card before you leave.  Keep it clean and active.  Take your American Passport and Papers and lock them where he cannot get them when you get there, preferrably with the Visa.  I used to work in a domestic violence shelter and the worst victims were women who had been cutoff from any escape route.  I'm concerned about you being blind in a foreign country with no family to fall back on.  Learn your way to the American Consultate and don't be afraid to run.  From what I understand this man is simply unfaithful, but you don't seem to really know him all that well.  Just protect yourself with an escape plan.  You many never need it, and hopefully, it will never come to that.  But, its better to have it and not need it, than to need it and not have it.  If you cannot get a Visa Card, try to get some cash that you can throw in a Safe Deposit Box or something.  And, I'll keep you in my prayers too.  Angie

What an action?,where are the helicopters and the dobermans?...i loved that thread...can i take a role?...

I think Angela watched so many action films that mixing the issues...next time Angela,the next time...

Suleyman wrote: I think Angela watched so many action films that mixing the issues...next time Angela,the next time...

I think Anglea was right on target. I have many friends that are married to Arab Muslims and a lot of them changed once they were in their country. If these women had of done what Anglea said then they could have gotten away easier. And these were not cases of the wife just wanted to leave in the 3 I know of he was beating her daily while the family did nothing.

It was wonderful advise Angela for any woman out there wanting to go to a foreign country.

Lameese

Angela,

Do not take offense with Suleyman. I do not think he fully understands and I have never known him to be hurtful or mean in any of his posts. I do not think he understands fully. There is a language barrier and a custom barrier.

And Suleyman, I think your English is coming along wonderfully.

Lameese

Okay, I'm glad it was a misunderstanding.  My escape plan might be funny but it is very much the one that is taught in thousands of DV shelters across the United States.  The two most important things to have once you are out of the house are your personal papers and money.  Again, I'm glad you weren't taking the meaning lightly, just the idea of an escape plan.

.

I think your escape plan is a good one. Now, getting women to put it into practice is another..........that is where a good friend could come in.

Thanks again for the advise.

Lameese

Lameese wrote: Angela, Do not take offense with Suleyman. I do not think he fully understands and I have never known him to be hurtful or mean in any of his posts. I do not think he understands fully. There is a language barrier and a custom barrier. And Suleyman, I think your English is coming along wonderfully.     Lameese

Okay Sister Lameesa,i have to think on the issue(my english) with connecting to leaving the board...this is too much for me saying in an public area that he does not fully understand!...if i don't understand  your words and you don't understand mine then why i am loosing my time in the board?...thanks for everyone....

I praise to Allah that some deaf persons passed inside of my life as an firend and in any time of life i did not cause any of a problem like giving an impression to them that they can't hear!,i told them like they hear me and they really heard me with the way of tolerance as i did not see in the thread...Allah and His heart in me is great,i should give more time to Him instead of being blushed in an public area by the cause of my absent english(no it is not!)...

Assalamu alaikum,

An escape plan is an excellent idea for any woman who fears violence might escalate in her home.  Your advice about that is very good, Angela.  Brother Suleyman - when a woman's husband becomes increasingly violent, she never knows when too much will become too much.  A violent man is not about to let his woman just walk away - that is why the escape plan is needed.

You must realize that, at least here in Canada (and I'm sure in many other places), murder is the leading cause of death for women after heart disease and cancer!  And the murderer is almost always her husband/boyfriend/ex.  Domestic violence is a huge problem in the west, and probably in most other places.  Violent men, by their nature, do not want to give up the woman they feel is "theirs".

I went through this for many, many years with my husband.  There was a point when I feared for my life.  To this day, though things are much better, I still keep all my important papers and a bit of money in a secret place so I can "grab and go" if I need to.

Sister J.R., and any of you who live with a man who is prone to bad temper, violence or untrustworthiness - it is very important to follow Angela's advice!  Do keep all your important papers and some money hidden in a place you can get at them if you suddenly need to run.  And do have an escape plan.  Let one or two people that you competely trust know about your plan - if you disappear they can be vital in bringing in the police quickly.

Brother Suleyman, I hope the seriousness of the situation some women find themselves in is a bit clearer to you now.  I know you were only trying to "lighten up" the situation, but domestic violence is something that shouldn't be joked about - it costs too many women their lives.

Peace, ummziba.

Suleyman wrote: Okay Sister Lameesa,i have to think on the issue(my english) with connecting to leaving the board...this is too much for me saying in an public area that he does not fully understand!...if i don't understand  your words and you don't understand mine then why i am loosing my time in the board?...thanks for everyone....

Suleyman,

I did not mean to insult you. I was trying to explain to Angela that you were not making fun of her advise and that maybe you did not fully understand what she was trying to say. I am sorry if my post hurt or upset you. I promise I was not trying to insult you.

UmmZiba,

Thank you for explaining it better then I did.

Lameese

Bismillah,

J.R., I don't think there is any Islaamic reason that you can't divorce him for his zina when you are in different cities.  People get married via proxy as well. 

Why don't you go to a city that is promising for your career or more helpful for your disability, or you have a great muslim support group et cetera?

ummziba wrote: Assalamu alaikum,   Brother Suleyman - when a woman's husband becomes increasingly violent, she never knows when too much will become too much.  A violent man is not about to let his woman just walk away - that is why the escape plan is needed. Brother Suleyman, I hope the seriousness of the situation some women find themselves in is a bit clearer to you now.  I know you were only trying to "lighten up" the situation, but domestic violence is something that shouldn't be joked about - it costs too many women their lives. Peace, ummziba.

Aleykum Selam ve Rahmetullahi ve Berakatuh Sister Ummziba,

Sister these are the last words can be said to brother Suleyman,i know the meaning of domestic violence,i have been living with my sister(44) and with her two daughter(17+10) for 1,5 years and i have taken them from the hands of an drunkard who were beating them all day...as you know, two weeks ago, i have seeken duas from you for my fire in my heart,it was the fire coming from an wonderful girl i left(cancelled marrying) by the cause of my sister and her two daughter's future,my income is only enough for two family can't resist the third one....I KNOW THE MEANING OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND IT'S RESULTS...

I was joking in the thread by the cause of my real life passing in the realities i can't resist more in islamicity where i take fresh air inside my friends...THE ISSUE WAS NOT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE,IT WAS MY BAD ENGLISH.Sister,have you ever left your love by the cause of your family?,while seeing that she is the other part of your soul and realizing that a sister waiting behind you with her two daughter should be protected by the cause of the domestic violence...have you ever lived while your hairs are getting white and not taking the decision for the step to marriage by the cause of your responsibilites on your family telling nothing to anyone,saving into your breast...

I just need to leave,what a rudeness laughing to one's english level and sister Ummziba i did not hear that you got sorry for the mistake she made....

Why i am wiriting?,i can't full understand the words?,isn't it Lameesa?...i decided to pass my time on the multimedia parts of the islamic sites(Zaytuna.Org)...at least i can push the pause button for full understanding the words...as you know i can't...best regards for every one who speaks from their hearts... i wish i will not turn back,Amin!!!....

Again Suleyman, I appologize.

Lameese

J.R.

When do you plan to see your husband again? Does he want you to come to where he is? Did he stop seeing this woman? I wish your family were more supportive.

Again, I am sorry this is happening to you......

Lameese

J.R. wrote: Salaam Sis. Lameese, I plan on moving pretty soon. He has agreed to stop seeing her. actually, she left the country and is working abroad now. I told him when I get out there he and I will contact her where she is so I can make sure she knows he's married. He will not reply to an email (when and if she sends one) nor answer her calls. I'm still keeping my guard up and am giving him no definite answer. I have asked him the past few days, before she left, if she called him and he has been honest and told me she has. I make him tell me every word that passes between them. I'm still having very emotional moments through the day. I know I'm being tested, but how exactly? Is this a test of my compassion and forgiveness, knowing people desrve a second chance, considering he just called me out of the blue last week and told me what he did. Or is it a test to see the level of my faith as I divorce him and try to make it alone on my own? I'm praying. J.R.

W's Sister J.R.,

I am glad that you are keeping your guard up. And I think it is smart of you to want to talk to her to let her know your husband is a married man. I know you are going through a hard time right now but Insha Allah you arrive at the decision that needs to be made, whatever that may be. I am sorry you do not have your family support and I am sorry that you have no close friends to lean on at this time. I will continue to pray for you.

Lameese

Salam,

Again sister, leave him;bad news

Lameese wrote: Again Suleyman, I appologize.   Lameese

Es_Selam'un Aleykum Sister Lameese,

Sister,in english we use one p while writing "apologize";may be this will remind something for you(everybody can make mistakes)...joke...no heartbreak, i am back and no need to appologize;but you can apologize and accepted while no needed...

I am back and will be more serious in further days, i have some responsibilities in the board...wa salaam...

a note:i wish no one will make complaints for my serious mode as i heard one year ago then i decided to leaving being serious by the cause of the complaints i heard and now i hear complaints by the cause of my liquid mode...i'll try to find the mid-point....

Suleyman wrote: Es_Selam'un Aleykum Sister Lameese, Sister,in english we use one p while writing "apologize";may be this will remind something for you(everybody can make mistakes)...joke...no heartbreak, i am back and no need to appologize;but you can apologize and accepted while no needed... I am back and will be more serious in further days, i have some responsibilities in the board...wa salaam... a note:i wish no one will make complaints for my serious mode as i heard one year ago then i decided to leaving being serious by the cause of the complaints i heard and now i hear complaints by the cause of my liquid mode...i'll try to find the mid-point....

Thank you for the correction brother. Let all here know that I stand corrected for my lack of spelling!  I could never spell. That is a great downfall for me.

Suleyman, do not change who you are, I believe you to be good the way you are.

Thank you again for accepting my apology. (and thanks for the correct spelling!)

Lameese

J.R. wrote: Although it was quite difficult to get him to do this, he emailed this woman (she's now living abroad) and told her she's married. He sent me an exact copy of the email, with her email address within it so I know it's the real deal. He said in the email how he hurt his wife and now he has to try to earn my trust back. I still have not given him a definite answer. He's still in touch with this woman's mother, she calls him sometimes. I told him he can no longer have any contact with this woman or her mother because it's what I want and I just don't want this woman's mother talking to my husband! He couldn't do that. Does anyone think what I asked was unreasonable? J.R.

J.R.,

I am so sorry but there are 2 things you need to do. The first is to e-mail this person and see if that is indeed her e-mail. Why? Beacuse I can make a ficticious e-mail address now and do the exact same thing he did. The second, if he cannot stop talking to this woman's mother for you (And H*LL no it was not to much to ask! YOU ARE HIS WIFE) then he still has and wants contact with her.

If he loved you or respected you at all he would have never done this and he would be doing anything right about now to get you back WITHOUT you having to force him.

Do you understand that he is showing you that SHE comes first? He is telling you that he WILL NOT give up total contact with her by staying in contact with her mother.

J.R. I swear this man is still lying to you. I do not believe she is out of the country, I believe he is trying to get you off his back so he can have his cake and eat it too.

Please, Please, Please, do yourself a favor and spare yourself more pain in the immediate future........leave him now. You need to say to him, either you want to be my husband totally or not at all. And make him decide. He has lied to you, comittted adultry and still will not break off all ties with this woman and you are still talking to him. Do you understand that at this point he thinks he can do anything he wants? And is still telling you how he is going to be.

If it were me, I would have kicked in his door, beaten him within an inch of his worthless life and divorced him. But that's me.

YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS MAN! YOUR FEELINGS SHOULD COME FIRST AND NOT HIS WANTING TO KEEP THIS WOMAN'S MOTHER AS A FRIEND.

If he cannot do that for you, HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU.

Please do not be mad at me. That is as blunt as I can be. Your heart is telling you what you already know. I know you think that you love him so much......but he cannot even respect you in the days after you get married to him.

Divorce him........you are better than this and you deserve more than this and you are the only one that can stand up for you because the creep you married does not love you.

I am so sorry you have to go through this.........you do not deserve this. And I am sorry I had to be this blunt. I so wish I could take this hurt from you.

Allah Ma3aki,

Lameese

J.R. wrote: Salaam, I agree, Sis Lameese. I did what you suggested. I told him I wouldn't contact her if he gavae me her email but once I got that address that same thought popped into my head,..."What if it's fake?" So I sent her an email, telling her who I am and that I do not wish to bother her since this is not her fault and I wished her luck abroad. I have been telling him that he's been putting her happiness over mine. I so wish he could get his act together and show me true remorse. Is Allah (swt) tesing me as to my level of forgiveness? Forgiveness can only come when I know I can trust him and at this point I still can't do that. J.R.

J.R.,

The e-mail is probably fake, even if "she" writes you back. You will never know if it is her writing you or him. You can never be sure....

Yes, I think God is testing you but not for your level of forgivness. I think God is showing you what you need to know now to protect yourself. I think God is being very good to you to show you how this man is not being a true Muslim so that you can leave now. Maybe you are not seeing it the right way.

I know that you think you love him and want to be with him but he has done everything to you in a few short weeks after your marriage. You need to leave J.R. and I think God is showing you how you can and that you have the right to. I think it is the human side of you that wants him to love you.

This man has lied to you, over and over and over again. And if you stay with him, he will continue to lie to you again. By Not putting your foot down you are showing him that you do not respect yourself so he will not respect you either.

Please get out of this horrible situation that will get worse........

Lameese

Suleyman,

You are a wonderful man to take care of your family like you are.  I know God will bless you for your sacrifices.  I was unaware of your language difficulties and I'll be more careful when I read your posts.  As a linguist I understand getting a conversation all mixed up.  To make things funny, there is a word in Chech (or maybe its Slovakian) that means Salt or Salt Shaker, in Polish, the word means lady of not so clean morals.  An old man back home who emigrated here from Chechoslovakia was having dinner with some Polish relatives of mine.  The languages were close enough that they almost could understand each other.  Until he asked for some salt.  My relative thought he was asking him to pass over his wife.    Needless to say, the poor guy got punched and didn't even know why until someone sorted it all out much later.  True Story.  You're a good man Suleyman.

And J.R., drop me an email to that address I sent you.  There are quiet a few college programs for the visually impaired.  I had a college dormmate who was being sponsered by one, they paid for a special monitor and software for her computer, so she could read her textbooks on the screen of her computer.  I'll see if I can find her email and findout who she went through.

Angie

Angela wrote: Suleyman, You are a wonderful man to take care of your family like you are.  I know God will bless you for your sacrifices.  I was unaware of your language difficulties and I'll be more careful when I read your posts.  As a linguist I understand getting a conversation all mixed up.  To make things funny, there is a word in Chech (or maybe its Slovakian) that means Salt or Salt Shaker, in Polish, the word means lady of not so clean morals.  An old man back home who emigrated here from Chechoslovakia was having dinner with some Polish relatives of mine.  The languages were close enough that they almost could understand each other.  Until he asked for some salt.  My relative thought he was asking him to pass over his wife.    Needless to say, the poor guy got punched and didn't even know why until someone sorted it all out much later.  True Story.  You're a good man Suleyman. And J.R., drop me an email to that address I sent you.  There are quiet a few college programs for the visually impaired.  I had a college dormmate who was being sponsered by one, they paid for a special monitor and software for her computer, so she could read her textbooks on the screen of her computer.  I'll see if I can find her email and findout who she went through. Angie

Jazak Allah Khair may Allah bless you too...

J.R.

I have just been reading this thread, and I have to agree with everyone else.  You should divorce him.  What I'm about to say may, or may not apply to you.  I have two friends that are in very unhealthy relationships.  One of my friends is a bit heavy, and she has confessed that she's not sure she could find anybody else (which is crazy..she's wonderful!) Another friend hasn't worked in many years and is afraid she isn't competent enough to gain employment.  These are both self esteem issues that keep them in their unhappy situation.  You mentioned that you have discussed marriage with some other brothers who became discouraged to the idea after you mentioned your disability.  Could it be that you are settling because you don't feel you have many other options?  Usually when women are able to overcome their self-esteem issues and get out of their relationships, they find that it is MUCH better to be alone then living miserably with someone else.  You sound like an intelligent, devout musim woman, and I assure you, Allah will help you find the perfect muslim man to share your life with.  Make the right choice..for yourself and for your faith.

Asalamu Alaykum

Sister J.R. I really do feel sorry for you.  The man has disobeyed his Lord and emotionnally hurted you.Whatever you decide ask advice from your Creator-read dua Al-Istikharata and pray Allah's favorite prayer-the night prayer.May Allah help you and you will never regret Allah's help.Ameen.

Bismillah,

J.R., I  think what you said earlier about being cautious and not being with him until he proves he has changed has merit and seems workable for your situation.  As long as you feel he will not harm you physically.  However, he is harming you emotionally and Islamically.  You are important; don't forget!

Most likely he is not going to change and doesn't know how if he wanted to.