My parents, may Allah be pleased on them
Printed From: IslamiCity.org
Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Family Matter
Forum Description: Discuss Family Issues
URL: https://www.islamicity.org/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=15909
Printed Date: 21 November 2024 at 10:18pm
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Topic: My parents, may Allah be pleased on them
Posted By: Full of Hopes
Subject: My parents, may Allah be pleased on them
Date Posted: 01 December 2009 at 7:31pm
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Asslamu Alaiukm I hesitated a lot before posting this, cause I am afraid of those nonsense or rubbish replies. Still I am sure, many good people here can help in this and will say what really helps. I do love my parents and want to obey them as Allah ordered us.. The problem is that, they want me to live as a copy of them. They want to choose for me everything even my friends and the dishes I should have. They want to control me. Even worse, they get mad when I say NO or when I say :"I think this is right or wrong." I want to be so obedient and please them, but it causes me much pain in some cases. I know they do this cause they love me but I have to face my life myself and want them to get this message. I am mistaken in this? They do not listen cause they have some believes in their minds and never want to change them. How to please Allah and my parents and at the same time have my own free life??? Do you have any GOOD suggestions?? I hope you can help, cause I see ,many here are wise enough to help me. May Allah bless you. -------------  And whoever seeks a religion other than Isl�m, it will never be accepted of him, and in the Hereafter he will be one of the losers(3:85)
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Replies:
Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 01 December 2009 at 9:20pm
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�They want to choose for me everything even my friends�.� In the Saheehayn (i.e. Bukhaaree and Muslim) from the Hadeeth of Aboo Moosaa, (radiyallaahu �anhu) that he said: The Messenger of Allaah, (sallallaahu �alayhi wa sallam) said, �The example of the righteous companion and the evil companion is like the person that sells musk and the blacksmith. The person that sells musk will either give you some or you may buy some from im. The blacksmith will either burn your clothes or you will find a repugnant odor from him�. In addition, the Prophet, (sallallaahu �alayhi wa sallam) has said, �A man is on the Deen (religion) of his friend, so beware as to whom you take as a friend.� And the poet said,�Do not ask about the person but ask about his companionship, For every person exemplifies his companion.� ���.and the dishes I should have� A few examples would be helpful with respect to �dishes I should have.� �They want to control me.� Perhaps they want what�s best for you. Parents are generally excellent in gauging their children�s level of maturity � decision making abilities, and �control� accordingly. �Even worse, they get mad when I say NO or when I say :["I think this is right or wrong."]� Once again, a few examples would be nice. And We have enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him, and in years twain was his weaning: (hear the command), "Show gratitude to Me and to thy parents: to Me is (thy final) Goal. (31:14) Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none but Him, and that ye be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honour. And, out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: My Lord! Bestow on them thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood. ( �I have to face my life myself and want them to get this message. I am mistaken in this? With freedom there comes a whole host of responsibilities, therefore do your best to abide by their rules and raise your issues and complaints at times other than when you are being admonished. Bring your issue at time when your parents are in a good mood and yourself as well. |
Posted By: Angel
Date Posted: 01 December 2009 at 10:49pm
Hi there, I can give a general perspective not so much islamic. You may have thought of it 
maybe you can pose to them that what they are doing is good but living your life is good to and helps you build survival skils, what if they were there or have an accident, how would you cope and live. There's nothing wrong with them (our parents) to help give us guidence and that and do things for us at times. But at some point we got to use our heads to, our parents are not going to always be there, even if they are they might get ill, have alzemias/dementia and then you (or we) will have to face alone.
Maybe they can step back and see how you are doing, if they see you coping well adn are strong then that should give them peace of mind if something awlful happens to them.
Be prepared while not advocating that such thing/s will happen.
-------------  ~ Our feet are earthbound, but our hearts and our minds have wings ~
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Posted By: Full of Hopes
Date Posted: 02 December 2009 at 7:53am
------------- And whoever seeks a religion other than Isl�m, it will never be accepted of him, and in the Hereafter he will be one of the losers(3:85)
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abuayisha wrote:
Posted By: Full of Hopes
Date Posted: 02 December 2009 at 8:01am
Asslam Alaikum, Yeah, that is what they need to know. I can not agree with you more. They are not staying for me for ever. They think it is good to spoil me and choose the whole thing in my life. But it will be a disaster when they leave me alone in this life. So what is the way to tell them this without hurting their feelings. I thank Allah a lot for having so caring parents that many wish to have. But I look forward to having my own choice and freedom. Just when I tried to hint, they did not accept that.  May Allah help us to please Him and then our parents. ------------- And whoever seeks a religion other than Isl�m, it will never be accepted of him, and in the Hereafter he will be one of the losers(3:85)
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Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 02 December 2009 at 9:41am
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Yeah, they say some dishes are forbidden cause they think they are not healthy, but I am not a teenager nor ignorant. I can choose the good food for me. For example french fires. They say it is full of oil and they get mad when I bring it. Wow, everything that tastes good is high in fat or sugar � so I certainly understand you grabbing French fries, but if they don�t like it� why bring them home? Some families have a medical history of high cholesterol, and perhaps they are concerned that you do not develop bad eating habits which may be difficult to break later in life. I know they want the best for me. I never doubt about this. But I want them to teach me the best and then let me choose for myself not them. I will never blame them for my choice.Yeah, I hear you, but it sounds like as long as you�re living with them - and even afterwards, they will insists upon directing you towards what their experience has shown or proven to be the best choice for you to adopt. Who can blame them for that? I know that Allah insists a lot on being kind to your parents that He joined them with worship no god but HIM. Believe me, I am so kind to them, I am trying and may Allah forgive me for my sins. I am posting her because I want to please them. I just want them to give me the chance to choose my life the way I want and watch me from a distance. I can not say this directly cause it will hurt them so bad and they will misunderstand me. I really believe that even though it pains young people to have helicopter parents, those young adults who are allowed complete freedom later resent their family for not interceding more in their life. Allah has decreed you to have concerned parents, therefore use your gift of intelligence to work around the minor issues, which arise naturally in all families, and don�t make matters unnecessarily difficult. My parents just do not like some nations and have some kind of racism and that is another story. Allah guide them and forgive them; reward them for raising a righteous daughter. |
Posted By: Full of Hopes
Date Posted: 02 December 2009 at 11:12am
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May Allah bless you brother Abu Aiysha, you are of those good people who focus on the blessings. I am so happy for having those parents but I jut say,, they should make me depend on myself and choose the way of life I want. Ok with marriage issue, I said that they might know the best for me.. but for the jobs,, for the friends,, for the clothes,, for the programs I watch.. for many others things in my life.. they want to control my whole life. Just try to close your eyes and imgine your life in this way!! And I feel bad cause I sometimes reject this and even so bad that I might fight them and then I feel I am so bad and blame myself so hard. I love them and thank Allah for them but it is a big struggle... I want to please them and at the same time be myself. Thank you for those advices, they make me thank Allah more and see His blesings on me. ------------- And whoever seeks a religion other than Isl�m, it will never be accepted of him, and in the Hereafter he will be one of the losers(3:85)
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Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 02 December 2009 at 11:29am
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Asalaam Alaikum, It is vastly different here then there.. her in the US, most of us are raised to be independent to be able to take care and provide for ourselves. My parents helped us with decisions but for the most part they were ours to make. Unless it was abhorrent- which they weren't -- we made them. And it helped to teach about myself to sometimes trip and fall and how to pick up and keep going. I have seen adults in other cultures not be able to make any decision for themselves.. no trust in their own abilities or judgements. Its like making friends.. sometimes you have to 'get burned' to know you CAN get burned. Its like you can make mistakes while you are 'safe.' Does that make sense. If my parents had died when I was 16, 17 and 18 I would have been fully capable of surviving if need be. Alhumdillah I did not face this. Or if I had needed to care for them.. I had the abilities- to work, to deal with situations, to be able to THINK. That is a great blessing we were given. In did not mean t hat we did not consult our parents or not listen to their advice.. but we can and are able to care for ourselves. It is a very different cultural paradigm. I think it is why I have a hard time relating as that level of control is so different. ------------- When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi |
Posted By: Full of Hopes
Date Posted: 03 December 2009 at 8:26am
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Asslamu Alaikum Nice to see you sister Hayfa, really may Allah bless you for your reply. I know the culture plays a big role, but I know many here from my culture whose parents have nothing to do with their lives. It is amazing but TRUE. I know who live alone while they have families. WE just ask Allah to help us please Him. ------------- And whoever seeks a religion other than Isl�m, it will never be accepted of him, and in the Hereafter he will be one of the losers(3:85)
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Posted By: seekshidayath
Date Posted: 03 December 2009 at 8:43am
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As Salamu Alaikum
Sis FOH, you have been advised very well by members and you too are wise enough to handle situations very well. I would like to just remind you that this area is very sensitive in our lives. We need to be very careful. I understand it gets tough sometimes, but don't forget its one of the toughest trials, wherein we are not to even sigh at them. So "patience, patience and only patience" will be the solution for betterment in dunya as well as aakhirah. You must have heard this hadith many times that," Obedience is only with regard to what is good and proper When their commands contradict shariah, then we may politely act against it, otherwise just be with patience. They don't want you to have french fries, don't have it. They don't want you to meet certain freinds, even though they are good, okay don't meet them. Yes, its tough but anything for the sake of obeying commands of Allah swt. What i do is when they are in good mood, i speak of that freind they want me to stay connected. I talk of their good character, or convey their salam to my parents, This way insha Allah, one say they shall themselves, ask of that friend and shall have no problem if we stay connected to them. ------------- Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: �All the descendants of Adam are sinners, and the best of sinners are those who repent." |
Posted By: Full of Hopes
Date Posted: 03 December 2009 at 9:07am
May Allah bless you for every word you typed here, sister Seekshidayath. We are human beings and still need to remind each other of what please Allah. That is right. The more we suffer is the more we are rewarded. But, sometimes, you feel you are weak and the shatian can tick you easily. I posted this when I was upset and shitan made me fee like I am a prisoner. But then Allah helped and then with those advises, I became stronger and tried to accept it and treat them well. Maybe, I should sneak with the friends I know are good but they do not like. But I am brought up not to hide anything from them.. but just until the time to make them sure my friends are not bad. We have to be patient.  And we need support from Allah to be patient: "Our Lord! pour out on us patience and constancy, and take our souls unto thee as Muslims (who bow to thy will)!" file:///C:%5CUsers%5CSahumah%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtml1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml - - - ------------- And whoever seeks a religion other than Isl�m, it will never be accepted of him, and in the Hereafter he will be one of the losers(3:85)
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Posted By: fais
Date Posted: 08 December 2009 at 6:05am
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Salam sister FOH,
This is the ageold story of every youth,parents dont agree and you wanna do the same thing what they are against.this is called generation gap,but sister we should never forget we are muslims we judge it from the islamic point of view,which is islamic accept it and which is not islamic try to explain them if not leave them and dont argue,
example if they dont want you to eat french fries this is correct cause it is junk food which effects your health this is their islamic right to stop you.
There are many reasons parents are strict and choosy about their daughters,some parents dont want their daughters to be fat or out of fasion so that they cab get good good marraige proposals from the society,some thinks that if they continue any bad habit it will effect their married life and like men,woman cannot stay alone and be safe so what will happen to their daughter after them,some parents want her to choose good friends so that her name is not spoilt in the society,
boys are fortunite in this case they dont have so many restrictions but sister think in a broader sence,if you accept those boundries set by allah you will be more rewarded then boys,allah is the most just.
this post is not complete i will comment more later
regards
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Posted By: Full of Hopes
Date Posted: 08 December 2009 at 8:22am
------------- And whoever seeks a religion other than Isl�m, it will never be accepted of him, and in the Hereafter he will be one of the losers(3:85)
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Posted By: fais
Date Posted: 08 December 2009 at 8:51pm
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salam,
good the problem is solved,alhumdulillah,it reminded me how i use to defy my father when he use to say no for something.
you know sister these restrictions sometimes are so memorable,when your parents are not arround you really miss it.
i give you one example in my life:
one day i was in the club playing snooker and there was salah time but as the game was not over i missed the jamaat,my father came after salah and found i dint go for prayers,in front of more than ten people he shouted and insulted me and asked the marker not to let me play any more next time.
next time when i went the other members started looking me with respect and gave to play before them,it was such good feeling.so i take these as rehma from allah.
hope this will help other members to remeber their parents and cerish the good times spent with them.
regards
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